Frustrated and venting

[WDSearcher]

Your husband's current dislike of veggies isn't really that odd, considering his ailment. Sounds like he's most comfortable eating (and digesting) things with low fiber. Veggies = fiber. I can't imagine having to digest a complex nutritional profile when I'm sick to start with. Soups, grilled cheese, etc. are the easiest things for your DH right now. I'm sure he's as frustrated with his eating restrictions as you are.

But honestly, to tell yourself that it's not worth it to cook a good meal for just you is adding a level of drama to this that doesn't need to be there. It's almost as though you're trying to create your own food issue so that you can "compete" with his. (Totally unconsciously.)

You've gotten great advice here about cooking and storing meals for yourself and how to keep eating and cooking what you like so that you don't feel resentful. But also experiment with new thing for your DH. You love to cook, so put that to use! Research his condition and try new recipes. Develop some of your own. Find food that comforts him while challenging you. There's no reason why the two things have to be mutually exclusive.

 

[Riles_and_Gabe]

It sounds like you got some great ideas here. Too bad we don't live closer, because you totally could cook for me

 

[Agri]

The main side effect of all this, for me at least, is that I find myself getting hungrier. I want to eat everything, all the time. I think it's because I'm not getting enough protein. And that I'm feeling totally frustrated and deprived. Who wants to fix a whole dinner just for one? Foo...

My mom was on chemo for 3 years following brain surgery. I started out doing exactly this - my diet was her diet, essentially. As you know, chemo treatments make some foods just taste "not right." My mom started out with chemo wafers in her brain that made few things taste good/proper to her. There was a lot of hard boiled egg eating at our house during those days. When she was on pills eggs were gross and fruit was in.

After her tumor came back, they put her on IV chemo which brought eat another diet. She's now decided she no longer wants treatment, so we're back to a "normal" diet.

With chemo, you really just have to work around their diet since it's important to maintain weight. If all he can eat is hotdogs and beans, then that's what he can eat.

I'll also add that there are a TON of anti-nausea meds out there - if the current one isn't working, keep fussing until you find one or a combo that works. What worked best for my mom was the dissolving Zofran. She had taken it in pill form with little luck, but the different form was the answer for her.

At any rate, I learned that since I have to take care of her, I need to eat what I want to eat. I tend to cook things that freeze easily and invested in a bunch of smaller (and stackable) storage containers. It's easy to defrost things that I have frozen with the bonus that I've frozen them in containers that hold 1-2 servings. I didn't cook all at one time, I'd make a big batch of whatever and freeze all but 2-4 servings. When I was sick of eating that, I'd cook again. After a few times you have a pretty nice variety in the freezer. I found it too difficult to cook a bunch of food in one day because I just didn't have the time/energy in my situation.

I know it's hard because you're eating the food that makes him feel ill and there is definitely a level of guilt that goes along with that. It's kind of like ordering a giant sugary dessert and eating it in front of a diabetic or settling down to a rare steak in front of a strict vegan. If the smell alone bothers him, snack with him when he eats his meal and then when he's asleep in another room you eat what you NEED to eat. If you're starving and weak and even more stressed out YOU and your IMMUNE system will suffer. It's so difficult, but caregivers need to take time and take care of themselves as well. If you take care of yourself, it reduces the chances of you catching an illness that you then pass onto your husband.

Also, take yourself out to eat once a week (less often, obviously if $$ is tight). My once a week meal out saved my sanity. I got time to myself AND I could eat the stinkier foods that might bother my mom.

 

[TLSnell1981]

no advice, just ~~

A caregiver needs lots of

 

[minkydog]

My mom was on chemo for 3 years following brain surgery. I started out doing exactly this - my diet was her diet, essentially. As you know, chemo treatments make some foods just taste "not right." My mom started out with chemo wafers in her brain that made few things taste good/proper to her. There was a lot of hard boiled egg eating at our house during those days. When she was on pills eggs were gross and fruit was in.

After her tumor came back, they put her on IV chemo which brought eat another diet. She's now decided she no longer wants treatment, so we're back to a "normal" diet.

With chemo, you really just have to work around their diet since it's important to maintain weight. If all he can eat is hotdogs and beans, then that's what he can eat.

I'll also add that there are a TON of anti-nausea meds out there - if the current one isn't working, keep fussing until you find one or a combo that works. What worked best for my mom was the dissolving Zofran. She had taken it in pill form with little luck, but the different form was the answer for her.

At any rate, I learned that since I have to take care of her, I oneed to eat what I want to eat. I tend to cook things that freeze easily and invested in a bunch of smaller (and stackable) storage containers. It's easy to defrost things that I have frozen with the bonus that I've frozen them in containers that hold 1-2 servings. I didn't cook all at one time, I'd make a big batch of whatever and freeze all but 2-4 servings. When I was sick of eating that, I'd cook again. After a few times you have a pretty nice variety in the freezer. I found it too difficult to cook a bunch of food in one day because I just didn't have the time/energy in my situation.

I know it's hard because you're eating the food that makes him feel ill and there is definitely a level of guilt that goes along with that. It's kind of like ordering a giant sugary dessert and eating it in front of a diabetic or settling down to a rare steak in front of a strict vegan. If the smell alone bothers him, snack with him when he eats his meal and then when he's asleep in another room you eat what you NEED to eat. If you're starving and weak and even more stressed out YOU and your IMMUNE system will suffer. It's so difficult, but caregivers need to take time and take care of themselves as well. If you take care of yourself, it reduces the chances of you catching an illness that you then pass onto your husband.

Also, take yourself out to eat once a week (less often, obviously if $$ is tight). My once a week meal out saved my sanity. I got time to myself AND I could eat the stinkier foods that might bother my mom.

Thank you for that. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do understand that DH can't help it. The only thing I can compare it to is when I had terrible morning sickness and I could hardly eat--I lost 10-20lbs with each pregnancy.
I'm going to see of DH might like to get a tasty slice of pizza for lunch. I figure one slice would be less overwhelming than having a while pizza on the table. For suppr I'm going to make beef tips, baked potatoes, brussel sprouts and broccoli. We will see how that goes.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have no advice other than you need to remember to think about yourself. You are a natural caregiver and it i your nature to put others first, but you need to make room for you.

It is okay to cook things that you like to eat. Your DD is an adult so I would not always worry about her food, she can figure it out once in a while. My DD does not eat red meat and there were time I just wanted to strangle the chicken! I did cook beef and just made sure there was food that she could eat included in our meal.

Your situation is different because your DH gets nauseous so you have that consideration as well. I would get some already cooked meats that I liked and heat them up. Costco has pot roast etc in their cases that are really good. Our local grocery store also has some entrees that are precooked. Rotisserie chicken, meat loaf, rotisserie pork. It is a little more money but you are worth it. There is a compromise but you get some meals that you crave and the odor is not as pronounced.

I think it is a good idea for you to have an occasional meal out as well. Not for the food but for the respite. There is something very healing about having dinner out with a friend. No cooking, no cleaning up and a whole different conversation than teh one you would be having at home.

 

[PatsGirl]

While I would certainly go out of my way to accommodate someone feeling sick, not so sure I'd be doing separate meals for those who choose to eat vegetarian. Sounds like a few of you are making different meals for different family members I always thought this was odd when done for picky toddlers so to do it for teens and older is perplexing...what ever happened to "you can eat what I make or make something for yourself"? I've always done a salad, protein, two veggies and bread/butter and everyone manages to get their fill.

To OP, sorry that you are feeling out of sorts I'm always amazed at how upbeat most of your posts are although it is obvious you have alot on your hands...this too shall pass but for the moment, I think you should do something special for yourself! Maybe its as simple as going out to your favorite restaurant but maybe its even more...whatever it is, do it if you can

 

[Agri]

Thank you for that. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do understand that DH can't help it. The only thing I can compare it to is when I had terrible morning sickness and I could hardly eat--I lost 10-20lbs with each pregnancy.
I'm going to see of DH might like to get a tasty slice of pizza for lunch. I figure one slice would be less overwhelming than having a while pizza on the table. For suppr I'm going to make beef tips, baked potatoes, brussel sprouts and broccoli. We will see how that goes.

Good luck! Pizza was another of my mom's favorites - to the point that *I* get sick when I see/smell a pepperoni pizza.

I forgot to mention - try to figure out why some foods are gross to him. Sometimes it might not just be the smell but consistency, or seasoning, etc. Or why the foods he likes to eat now work best. For instance, if the hotdog 'works' because it's plain, maybe plain grilled chicken will work as well. It's really a lot of trial and error. When I went through it with mom, I'd try to cook things that could be 'fixed' if they didn't work so I wasn't stuck with a bunch of something neither of us liked.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Oh Minky! I'm sure it's frustrating but you are such a strong lady and are doing a wonderful job with your family. This is just one more bump in the road to figure out, but if anyone can make it work, you can!

I usually cook for myself since DH and my boys are running every which way. DS17 has Asperger's and the accompanying food issues. DH works late a lot or rehearses with his chorus after work. DS14 has theater rehearsals or voice lessons three times a week in the evenings. He likes to eat after school and then have something light after rehearsal. I am the big veggie eater in the family, so if I want some I have to cook them for myself. I usually end up cooking and eating when I want to. DH can eat when he gets home, unless he's already grabbed something between work and chorus rehearsal. Plus his office has a catered happy hour once a week so he usually eats there. It's not the situation I envisioned when I got married and had kids. I had big plans to cook every night and have dinner as a family. It hasn't quite worked out that way, but we make it work. Above all, I don't sacrifice having a good, healthy meal for myself.

Hang in there Minky! Maybe make your DH a grilled cheese and order some take-out for yourself once in a while.

 

[Feralpeg]

I start chemo on Wednesday. I stocked up on a bunch of tv dinners for my daughter. I know it will be hard on her, but she will have the option of going out, eating a tv dinner or fixing something for herself.

Believe me, I'd much rather be fixing nice dinners for both of us than doing chemo, but that is not an option.

Hang in there, OP and understand that your husband does appreciate your efforts and would much rather be eating your meals if it were possible.

 

[minkydog]

DH managed to.get out of the house for a bit. We each had a slice of pizza and he ate a little bit of my salad. I don't think he can do dinner, so cereal might be on the menu tonight. I do have some fresh vegetable soup made, so he might go for some broth and a roll. That would be food for a cold, rainy night like tonight.

 

[LSmith]

As you are aware and based on what you are saying your husband is extremely ill. Three people very close to me died of the same lung disease. It is a horrifically painful disease.

Your husband is sick and suffering and just trying to breathe and could not care less about food right now. Let him eat what he wants when he wants and you eat what you want.

I'm sorry but I don't understand the aggravation. It's just food.

 

[JDX4]

Minky, you have done nothing wrong by venting. Venting when things are tough is important for mental health. I can understand your frustration, and I'm sure that you haven't complained about it to your DH. Lots of hugs and I hope things get easier for you.

 

[LSmith]

Please, LSmith, let's just let it go.

As should you?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think those of us who have been on this board for a while know the OP's situation and the many struggles she's been through. Between her handicapped son, a horrific car accident, and her disabled husband, she's had more than her share to deal with. I, for one, really admire her strength and determination to make it through each and every situation. If she needs to vent a little, no matter what the topic, I will be right there to support her. I know that many others here feel the same way.

Minky - Glad to hear your DH got out of the house for a little while today. Hopefully he will begin to tolerate the medication better and things will get easier for both of you!

 

[Nancyg56]

As should you?

I found your lecture to be way out of line. Many of us have been the primary caregiver and know that there are times when you just need a safe outlet. Minky knows she can come here because this is a safe place to let some frustrations out. There are times when you should try to remember that if you cannot say something nice then maybe it is better to refrain from saying anything at all. This is one of those times. You have added nothing positive but you did manage to chastise a woman who knows perfectly well her husbands health. That is why she is here, support and suggestions.

 

[superme80]

Minky: I am so glad to see you and DH got out of the house today. I hope he was able to eat some soup tonight.

 

[WDSearcher]

I think those of us who have been on this board for a while know the OP's situation and the many struggles she's been through. Between her handicapped son, a horrific car accident, and her disabled husband, she's had more than her share to deal with. I, for one, really admire her strength and determination to make it through each and every situation. If she needs to vent a little, no matter what the topic, I will be right there to support her. I know that many others here feel the same way.

Minky - Glad to hear your DH got out of the house for a little while today. Hopefully he will begin to tolerate the medication better and things will get easier for both of you!

I didn't know that about minkydog until I read this, so not everyone who's been here a while knows. Some of us are just reacting to the information provided. It's hard to know who's got a lot going on in their lives vs. who's just having a tough day vs. who's looking for attention.

When someone posts to a public board, people are going to respond. But many of us are responding only to what was posted -- that's all the info we have.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I didn't know that about minkydog until I read this, so not everyone who's been here a while knows. Some of us are just reacting to the information provided. It's hard to know who's got a lot going on in their lives vs. who's just having a tough day vs. who's looking for attention.

When someone posts to a public board, people are going to respond. But many of us are responding only to what was posted -- that's all the info we have.

The info she posted said her DH has Stage 4 Heart/Lung Disease. Even if I didn't know her history, that would be enough for me to let her vent away without questioning her motives.

 

[zurgswife]

The info she posted said her DH has Stage 4 Heart/Lung Disease. Even if I didn't know her history, that would be enough for me to let her vent away without questioning her motives.

Exactly. I didn't know of of OP back story and struggles but I know from the info she posted she was a exhausted caregiver...