DD is a terrrible driver. Help!

[mom2rtk]

Gumbo, I'm feeling for you. Our DD's are the same age so I've been there. Thankfully my husband has the patience of a saint when it came to teaching kids how to drive. He took her out driving most nights after dinner from the day she got her license. She was really our most eager driver and loved going. Really, it just took lots and lots and lots of time behind the wheel. Even though she has a full license already and drives by herself to school every day, we still try to encourage her to take less busy streets. We help her plan routes that avoid the busiest streets and trickiest intersections. That said, she's doing really well. I do think it's just practice and logging the miles.

And while I'm not suggesting drinking before taking her out, nothing says you shouldn't do so when you get home.

 

[kidshop]

I was not ready or comfortable enough to drive until I was 18. Then I took to it effortlessly. Maybe she is not ready...

 

[mom2rtk]

Private lessons. They worked great for my dd. She wasn't bad, but I think she was more comfortable driving with someone other than me or my dh.

That's what it took for our oldest. He was 18 and about to start commuting to college every day. He did fine when he was with one of us, but just got too nervous when he was in close quarters in a car with a driving examiner. We got him a big intimidating driving instructor for some private lessons just to get him used to driving with a stranger so close in the car. It did the trick and he passed with 2 days to spare before school started.

 

[leebee]

Maybe she's not ready yet. There are studies that show brains don't finish developing until you are in your early 20s, and it's difficult to really learn to judge distance, perspective, etc., especially of moving objects. You are the parent- you CAN say no, not yet. We did with our DD, who basically would shake like a leaf when she got behind the wheel. She didn't get her license until she was 19 or 20, but when she did, she was ready and passed on the first try (including parallel parking!).

Other suggestions: Make her ride with you as you drive, observing what you are doing and what is happening as you describe it. When I got my license (a LONG time ago) we were required to observe with the driver's ed teacher for as many hours as we were required to drive. ALSO... driver's ed, or private driving lessons, might be what she needs.

 

[rastahomie]

It could just be that your DD is a terrible driver, and isn't going to get better. Mrs. Homie hates driving, and avoids it at all costs, and she's a middle-aged woman. And she steadfastly refuses to drive in a large city (we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere).

Do you live in an urban/suburban area where Uber is a possibility?

Failing that, you could always go to an empty mall parking lot late at night, when there are few or no other vehicles, and just let her drive around just to get an idea of the mechanics of driving a car.

 

[mom2rtk]

Maybe she's not ready yet. There are studies that show brains don't finish developing until you are in your early 20s, and it's difficult to really learn to judge distance, perspective, etc., especially of moving objects. You are the parent- you CAN say no, not yet. We did with our DD, who basically would shake like a leaf when she got behind the wheel. She didn't get her license until she was 19 or 20, but when she did, she was ready and passed on the first try (including parallel parking!).

Other suggestions: Make her ride with you as you drive, observing what you are doing and what is happening as you describe it. When I got my license (a LONG time ago) we were required to observe with the driver's ed teacher for as many hours as we were required to drive. ALSO... driver's ed, or private driving lessons, might be what she needs.

I think that works well in areas with a public transportation options. But for those with active teens and no alternatives to mom/dad or child driving, sometimes kids need a little nudge. That said 16 really is still pretty young, and all kids are different.

Something else to consider is that the earlier you can get them started, the more time they have to rack up experience driving before they are out on their own. I know with our oldest I firmly believed that if he didn't feel ready to drive, I didn't want to put an unsure driver on the streets. Then the delays started mounting up and there we sat 2 days before he had to start commuting to college 30 minutes across town. That was a real tactical error on our part. And that's part of the reason I was fully behind our daughter getting her license right away at 16.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'd say just get her on the road as much as possible.

My sister was a very tense driver. When she drove, her back didn't rest against the seat back..she was straight as a stick the whole time. As she drove more, she relaxed and now she's fine.

I don't think anything online will help..as tense as it may be for now she just needs to get more experience.

How old is she?

She's 16. To be clear, she's not st all tense. She's just not very good.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

There are no private driving instructors available? .

No

 

[LisaR]

My son was the exact same way! He used to do many of the same things you described. The "best" part was that he actually thought he was very good. He was horrible and we'd get back home, practically start kissing the ground, and he'd be like, "I think I did a lot better this time, don't you?" OMG! NOOOO! DH is a patient man but even he couldn't take it. We delayed letting him get his license until we were comfortable. For us, private lessons worked wonders.

 

[LisaR]

No

Are you sure? When people get things like DUI's or have accidents, aren't some assigned driving lessons in your area? If so, those places can also work with teens. They've had them everywhere I have lived.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

When you're driving with her, do you explain the rules of the road, and how everything is supposed to flow as you're going along (not in the heat of the moment, but rather along a straight away before hand)? I do this with my DD, and then I'll quiz her say at a 4 way stop asking who has the right of way when there's no one else at the stop and we have time, so that these things tend to sink in. I'll give her directions, and then ask her what lane she needs to be in, rather than telling her which lane to get in, that gets her thinking about it in terms of being proactive herself, rather than just reactive to my instructions. We started just being reactive, and then progressed over time to the proactive, and she's gotten to be a pretty good driver.

Early on, I did those things, but I'm trying to get her to progress beyond that stage & it's not always working.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Maybe try a private driver. I've had my license coming up on 10 years (got it at 17) and I still feel slightly anxious when I'm driving one of my parents versus my friends. Partly because most of my friends are awful drivers but also it's the pressure of a parent. My Dad is a nightmare and I can feel how tense he is even though he himself is a bit of a speed freak. It puts me off and I've never even had an accident.

Maybe you're unintentionally making it worse?

DW definitely makes it worse. DD doesn't like driving with her, which sucks because they spend a LOT more time together.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Have you tried drawing some diagrams? Visuals of intersections, left and right hand turns, etc. I bet there are some tutorials on YouTube as well. Drive over and over again in familiar areas. Go around the block over and over. Don't go anywhere new until she has mastered the neighborhood, etc.

Haven't tried the diagrams, but that's kind of what I was wondering about simulators. It's her decision making that needs the most work, not the actual operation of the car.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Have her drive on back roads. Once she gets use to driving on bcak roads have her drive in a little more traffic and so on and so on

She does fine on the back roads. 95% of our driving is on back roads. It's the other 5% where we're struggling.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

It could just be that your DD is a terrible driver, and isn't going to get better. Mrs. Homie hates driving, and avoids it at all costs, and she's a middle-aged woman. And she steadfastly refuses to drive in a large city (we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere).

Do you live in an urban/suburban area where Uber is a possibility?

Failing that, you could always go to an empty mall parking lot late at night, when there are few or no other vehicles, and just let her drive around just to get an idea of the mechanics of driving a car.

Where I live is just about as rural as where you live

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Are you sure? When people get things like DUI's or have accidents, aren't some assigned driving lessons in your area? If so, those places can also work with teens. They've had them everywhere I have lived.

Not if my yellow pages are accurate. This is a very rural area. People have tractors, dirt bikes, go carts, etc. Most people learn to drive when they're 10 or 12. So, the demand for lessons just isn't there.

 

[leebee]

It's pretty rural here- there is a bus that runs from point A to point B several times a day, but it's not very convenient and can't really get you anywhere (except along the very straight road between points A and B!). We spent a lot of time driving her to dance and such- even picking her up on campus to take her to her commitments- because she didn't have a license and WASN'T ready to drive.

One thing I realized with DD when she was learning to drive is that she was looking at the road directly in front of her, instead of learning to look widely, see what's happening all around, and being able to anticipate what's coming. That might be part of the issue. Also, DH did most of the driving with DD because I made DD nervous (I LOVE to drive!), and one of the things he would do is he'd drive and have her give directions, coach, etc., (along the lines of "We are going to turn left at the next intersection... OK, put on your blinker, check your mirrors, pull into the left lane") to see if she really understood what she should be doing when she was driving. Don't know if this'll help or not.

 

[Unas]

Have you had a good vision work up to assess her depth perception and visual processing? Sounds like she isn't properly perceiving speed and distance in the driving environment.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Have you had a good vision work up to assess her depth perception and visual processing? Sounds like she isn't properly perceiving speed and distance in the driving environment.

Good thought, but her vision is perfect (her little sister's, not so much).


DW & I both really like the idea of having DD be the "instructor" when she's a passenger. We're gonna give that a shot.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree she probably just needs more experience and to develop confidence. I had to chuckle at your OP though because I remember those feelings well, and we had twins learning at the same time. It was a stressful time as each new driver had their own issues. DD would take these super wide turns and not use the brake, so they were WIDE AND FAST! We were like WHOAAA SLOW IT DOWN!! I think the worst was one day I was driving with DS and I was telling him to take a left turn.... but I never got to the "up ahead here" part, when as soon as I said the words "take a left turn", he did, and we went over an embankment into a sand pit of some sort, knocking the bottom of the car on some serious debris. Both of us ended up swearing and screaming for a minute, lol, it scared the bejeeses out of both of us. Spent a ton of time after that talking about not making a move until you see the road and the coast is clear, etc. Same with DD, I always taught her to look left once again before pulling out as cars can come up on you so fast. But the best thing for her was to get her driving in the city, where I learned to drive myself. I was white knuckling the whole time, but she did a decent job, and learned how to operate in heavy traffic. DS, too. Important since they drive in those conditions daily. That first winter while they had their permits we also took them into a big, empty parking lot and taught them how to slide/correct in snow. We also showed them videos about hydroplaning. It's about three years later and happy to report that both have become very good drivers with (knock on wood) no accidents thus far. I agree with not telling her she's a bad driver, as you don't want it to become an issue for a lifetime. Just keep getting out there and set her up for success if you can. Maybe do some short, simple trips first to build confidence, then work your way up to the rest. Good luck! (And hold on! )