When in laws cause problems

[Wishing on a star]

I can see it...but for some reason no one else can.

You might want to consider the possibility that, as I just mentioned, they (including your husband) never will be able to see it.
That might be an unrealistic hope.

 

[Wendy31]

OP, in regards to your DH, as the younger brother who has made a "success" of his life & has, in a sense, "escaped," do you think he's feeling a bit of misplaced guilt?

Growing up, the two brothers (your DH & your BIL) were both "victims" of their mother's lifestyle - hoarding, alcoholism, etc. And there's something about the way younger brothers tend to look up to older brothers. They were together, but your DH grew up & escaped the cycle.

Additionally, you said that your BIL has lived out of town for several years, & now he's back in town. Could your DH have been missing him? Not the reality of your BIL but the thought of how he wished his relationship could be w/ his brother? And now that he's back, he feels some kind of responsibility to help him?

I'd stand my ground too & not want BIL & his girlfriend staying at my house either, but I'm just saying there's probably a lot going on w/ your DH & the way he feels... even subconsciously.

I'm the older sibling (I have one younger sister) married to a third-born (DH has 2 older brothers & 1 much younger brother). There's just a different dynamic that goes on that has taken me a lot of years to get used to. And DH's family is fairly normal w/o a lot of dysfunction.

 

[tcufrog]

The thing that should be really worrying you is what happens with your BIL when your in-laws die or get to the point where they are physically or financially unable to enable him. You and your husband need to get on the same page before that happens.

 

[Missy1961]

OP, in regards to your DH, as the younger brother who has made a "success" of his life & has, in a sense, "escaped," do you think he's feeling a bit of misplaced guilt?

Growing up, the two brothers (your DH & your BIL) were both "victims" of their mother's lifestyle - hoarding, alcoholism, etc. And there's something about the way younger brothers tend to look up to older brothers. They were together, but your DH grew up & escaped the cycle.

Additionally, you said that your BIL has lived out of town for several years, & now he's back in town. Could your DH have been missing him? Not the reality of your BIL but the thought of how he wished his relationship could be w/ his brother? And now that he's back, he feels some kind of responsibility to help him?

I'd stand my ground too & not want BIL & his girlfriend staying at my house either, but I'm just saying there's probably a lot going on w/ your DH & the way he feels... even subconsciously.

I'm the older sibling (I have one younger sister) married to a third-born (DH has 2 older brothers & 1 much younger brother). There's just a different dynamic that goes on that has taken me a lot of years to get used to. And DH's family is fairly normal w/o a lot of dysfunction.

I had a lot of similar thoughts - it's so much easier for an outsider to see problems, but when it's your brother or mother, it's so hard. I agree with the OP so much - she's 100% correct. I wouldn't let this BIL to be in my house when I wasn't there at all. And I agree that her husband should be supporting her decision. But I can see why he might not be able to. It must be so hard for him to admit that his brother is a mooch (at a minimum). Yes, he needs to support the OP, but I think we can cut him a little slack.

 

[spacemountainmom]

No way on earth would this be happening. Your bil absolutely tried to manipulate you by bringing up in front of the whole family. Just say NO!

Many years ago my in-laws (who live across the country) bought fil's mother a car when she could not afford to replace hers after a crash. FIL wanted to put the car in dh's name to keep the car away from fil's sister in the event something happened to grandma. I put my foot down and said "no way!" I could not imagine the troubles we would have had in the event grandma had another accident. I told him that there was no way I was going to compromise the stuff that we had worked for just to keep his dad happy. Oh boy, grandma goes out and kills someone with that car and then WE'RE the ones getting sued since grandma didn't have a pot or a window. No thank you!

Thankfully dh realized that it could put us in a very crappy situation and told his dad that he would not allow him to title the car in his name.

OP - stand your ground. Good luck!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

You might want to consider the possibility that, as I just mentioned, they (including your husband) never will be able to see it.
That might be an unrealistic hope.

I think maybe we could all benefit from some counseling because this is so frustrating that is now affecting my marriage and I see now what you are saying. It is all making sense to see it through my husbands eyes and why he feels the way he does about it. To my husband this is normal behavior so to him he thinks I'm just not being compassionate or understanding and that isn't true at all. I do feel for people and am sympathic in most situations and he knows this.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

No way on earth would this be happening. Your bil absolutely tried to manipulate you by bringing up in front of the whole family. Just say NO!

Many years ago my in-laws (who live across the country) bought fil's mother a car when she could not afford to replace hers after a crash. FIL wanted to put the car in dh's name to keep the car away from fil's sister in the event something happened to grandma. I put my foot down and said "no way!" I could not imagine the troubles we would have had in the event grandma had another accident. I told him that there was no way I was going to compromise the stuff that we had worked for just to keep his dad happy. Oh boy, grandma goes out and kills someone with that car and then WE'RE the ones getting sued since grandma didn't have a pot or a window. No thank you!

Thankfully dh realized that it could put us in a very crappy situation and told his dad that he would not allow him to title the car in his name.

OP - stand your ground. Good luck!

BIL asked me about 5 years ago If We would put a car in my name for him and the insurance because he couldn't. No way!!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

OP, in regards to your DH, as the younger brother who has made a "success" of his life & has, in a sense, "escaped," do you think he's feeling a bit of misplaced guilt?

Growing up, the two brothers (your DH & your BIL) were both "victims" of their mother's lifestyle - hoarding, alcoholism, etc. And there's something about the way younger brothers tend to look up to older brothers. They were together, but your DH grew up & escaped the cycle.

Additionally, you said that your BIL has lived out of town for several years, & now he's back in town. Could your DH have been missing him? Not the reality of your BIL but the thought of how he wished his relationship could be w/ his brother? And now that he's back, he feels some kind of responsibility to help him?

I'd stand my ground too & not want BIL & his girlfriend staying at my house either, but I'm just saying there's probably a lot going on w/ your DH & the way he feels... even subconsciously.

I'm the older sibling (I have one younger sister) married to a third-born (DH has 2 older brothers & 1 much younger brother). There's just a different dynamic that goes on that has taken me a lot of years to get used to. And DH's family is fairly normal w/o a lot of dysfunction.

Yes I do think he feels guilty. His brother has more than once made comments of "it must be nice" in regards to some of our belongings and our vacations. So I know that makes my husband feel bad too like somehow he doesn't deserve it all and it isn't fair his family isn't in the same position. My husband and I grew up together and have been friends since third grade. His family has always been like this and he was too in the beginning of our marriage. Very irresponsible and selfish. Once I got older and found my backbone I gave him some ultimatums and it literally changed our lives. He is responsible and sometimes still makes selfish decisions but immediately sees it when I point it out to him and so we've made a lot of progress once we were in our mid twenties and until now.

His brother never had anyone telling him you have to go to work everyday. You have to save your money. You have to pay bills before you spend. Etc. My husband has said more than once if it weren't for being with me, he too would be living on his mothers couch. Some of his brothers behavior reminds me of how my husband use to be and I think that brings up some resentment from early on in our relationship so I probably get more angry about it than I should. Regardless he won't be staying here but I am starting to see how all of this comes into play.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

OP, what a terrible position he put you in. He tried to make you look bad in front of your DH's family and now you have to worry if he will try and "sneak" in while you are gone. I would make sure your DH understands how serious you are that he is not in your house while you are gone and that you will have the police called if necessary. It is about protecting what you have worked hard to earn.

I have a SIL that is employed, but at a really low paying job. She was given her mom's house by her siblings when MIL died. The rest of the siblings received nothing. They have always enabled her and it will never end. it used to annoy me that we would give MIL money to live on and I know a lot of it was going to SIL. I have learned to let it go as long as she is not living with us.

 

[hereyago]

I think your husband needs a dose of reality:
Let him stay,.but tell dh, HE will be the one to cook and pick up after man child.
But, I would do it when you could go someplace with the kids perhaps for
a week.
I want to edit: have ur Dh go to the moms house and wait on both tge mom and manchild, he can see what hw has at his own home instead of enable village.
Enablers suck.
My moms side was like that. Guess what? All the enblers died except 1,but I no longer have anything to do with that person. Enabling may sound easy to do, but it is stressful because you have to keep doing it.

 

[spacemountainmom]

BIL asked me about 5 years ago If We would put a car in my name for him and the insurance because he couldn't. No way!!

Wow! This guy is a mooch of the first order.

I cannot believe your husband does not "get it" concerning him.

 

[Minniesgal]

I have your brother in law's twin brother as my brother in law.

He leaned on my husband way too much, my husband got sick of it and pushed back on him. We moved away and he stopped.

It even got to the point where he was borrowing our lawn mower to cut his grass every month and my husband was driving it to him and picking it up. Eventually it broke down just before we were going on a major holiday. He phone me several times wanting to know when I was replacing it to which I eventually said not now I have other financial priorities. So he went to his mum and told her we couldn't afford a lawn mower and would she offer to lend us the money to buy one. I got a call from his mum to go to the store straight away as she was lending us money and wanted us to pick one. I blew up at this as I had already said I didn't want to buy line now not because I could't but because I had other things I wanted to do first. My husband stepped up then and told them all to stop it and leave us to make our own financial decisions.

We distance ourselves more and more which for us has been say as we moved away. He only gets in touch when he wants something. My husband realises this and doesn't feed the monster.

 

[manning]

I'm with @EMom my first thought was oh hell to the no!

Don't care if you're mad, go get a job.
Don't care if your moms house is awful, go get a job.
Don't care that you didn't say goodbye, go get a job.

GROW THE HELL UP! You're 40! Act like it. And you're not freeloading in MY house that I work for. Period. End of story.

Dh is an enabler because his entire family is. You're going to have to stand your ground. Tell him this is setting a horrible example to your kids? It's ok, you can do nothing with your life because you can hop over and magically be taken care of? No! This would be a knock down drag out fight in my house. No way would he stay!

Did someone say "go get a job?"

As far as being put on the spot on house sitting, simple response would be "Thanks, but no thanks".

If I pestered my wife about my brother she would say "You have a choice. Way your answer carefully. It is a simple 2 choice. It is either me or your brother."
Tell your husband he is being an enabler if he caves in to his brother.

I had this happen with wife's nephew. He hit her for $600.00 with promise to pay it back. Some years later he tried to hit us for more money. I told him no problem....as soon as he paid back the $600.00. Never heard from him again and he is not missed.

 

[kandb]

Sad, your BIL has mental issues because obviously your MIL has mental issues/substance abuse problem. Some people can rise above it and others like your BIL, cannot. I am guessing your husband feels guilt caused by the MIL's issues and probably feels bad for BIL since MIL screwed him up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is exactly what I told him, then he tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms and how "unfortunate" it is that I wouldn't let him stay. He was short with me the rest of the night and left without saying goodbye, which I don't care about but now my husband is trying to make me feel bad about it too!

Ah, I see your issue.

I would turn the tables on DH and make him feel "bad" about subjecting me to this nonsense.

 

[NewRVLady]

. If he stays 1 week he may never leave! He lived with his girlfriends parents for the better part of 10 years! This continues to be an issue for my husband and I whenever it is brought up or he asks again. My husband gets very defensive when it comes to his older brother. I love my brother too but I am not blind to his behavior either.

I totally agree with this!
My brother sent us an email one day telling us his son had married "his fiancée that day"-no name of girl and "no we cant meet her"
a week later he called wanting to know if the married couple could move in Mom's empty house" for free". Still hadn't met the girl-they had no possessions and NO JOBS.
It was summer in deep South-we kept all utilities off-wondering who would pay the Air conditioning bill???
we had JUST started to clean out-and had painting and repairs to do -plan to put on the market in a month or 2
we(other siblings) said "NO"-also worried we'd never get them OUT

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am going to just throw this out there, without any unnecessary details.
But, I am familiar with situations close to me where, as adults, as old as this BIL and even older, there was a younger sibling who had some serious issues from their upbringing and, perhaps without realizing, transferred these issues and negativity towards an older sibling.

I saw one man in his 40's stand on the front walk as he was leaving his oldest sisters home ( she was 50ish ) and just went on and on about how, when she had moved out and gotten married young, and left the family back in that time, like she had just 'left' them and abandoned them. And, coincidentally, this occurred after the older sibling had taken her younger brother and his kids into her home for quite some time.

And, I know another person who can't have a close relationship with a younger sister, because he is a huge trigger for the younger sister. I have seen this personally... this younger sister is like trapped in the past, and can be very passive aggressive and it is like the older brother is going to be made to pay for every offense, or perceived offense, committed by their father. The father is long ago deceased, decades ago... So there are no ongoing issues with their family dynamic at all.

OP, you may be just now fully realizing all of this. But, these issues between siblings, and an older sibling dealing with heavy feelings of guilt, personal responsibility, etc... The whole, eternal, 'Keep trying to make things right'. (when this is just not possible)

These things are very real.
They might not show openly.
They can be like a wrench screwing up the works, hidden deep inside.
But they can be very real.

You say that you are not blind to these issues with the BIL. And you feel like your husband is being blind. Sometimes it is easier to just not see things than it is to try to deal with them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

YMy husband has said more than once if it weren't for being with me, he too would be living on his mothers couch. Some of his brothers behavior reminds me of how my husband use to be and I think that brings up some resentment from early on in our relationship so I probably get more angry about it than I should. Regardless he won't be staying here but I am starting to see how all of this comes into play.

That is some pretty heavy stuff.

I do hope that you and your husband are able to find a way to work this out.

 

[ols386]

No way would I let the BIL stay at your house, not even for the week your are gone, or should I say, especially not for the week that you are gone.

The BIL certainly sounds more than capable of getting a job, so let him get another job, KEEP the job, and support himself.

He sounds like a lazy bum.

 

[daisyduck123]

I know as a bystander, it's easy for me to say anything. But I've put myself in your position, pondered it awhile...and here's exactly what I would do....."No, sorry BIL, but we have made other arrangments for someone to come by the house". Also, I'd be changing my ADT alarm code and Password.