When in laws cause problems

[Grmnshplvr]

I'm going to let out a little vent here. My BIL is 40 years old, has been couch and job hopping since he was in his late teens. Has never held down a job for more than a few months and has never had his own apartment or house. He has gone from living at home, to grandparents, uncles, friends, girlfriends parents, back with his mom now. He has asked us several times if he could stay on our couch or in our garage...My husband said he'd be ok with it but I am not. He continues to ask even though the answer from me continues to be no. My children are 14 and 10 and they have met him maybe 5 times. It would be no different than inviting a stranger to come live with us. He is a slob and doesn't even pay rent when he does stay on someones couch. I am not supporting him, nor do I feel bad for the situation he is in. He is not homeless because of bad luck, he is homeless because of the consistent bad choices he has made. How is this my responsibility? He is always asking for a ride, money, place to stay etc. Every person in my husbands family has enabled him to the point that he now feels entitled to everyone else's stuff. I am the only one that does not feel sorry for him in the least. He will work for a few months, blow his money on video games and concerts, has a restricted license because he owes so many DMV fines, then he'll get lazy and quit the next job.

Yesterday he TOLD me he was thinking about house sitting for us while we are in Disney at the end of the month. He totally put me on the spot in front of their family and mine at our daughters birthday party. He even suggested it as if he was doing me a favor by staying in my house for the week. Then he says "I'll bring my own bed sheets for when my girlfriend comes". I swear on my children I could not make this up if I tried. Long story short, his girlfriend lives 5 hours away because her parents got sick of him mooching off them and kicked him out, so he came back here to live with MIL (after we told him no several times)

His girlfriend still lives with her parents (also 36 year old) but apparently they had enough of supporting him and finally kicked him out. His plan is for them to basically bum around my home for a week so they can have a place to themselves for a bit. He tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms. To me the perfect solution to that would be to get a job and get your own place for once in your life but what do I know.

After the party I told my husband I thought it was incredibly rude for his brother to put me on the spot like that in front of everyone. My husband doesn't seem to think its a big deal at all and that we should just let him stay. If he stays 1 week he may never leave! He lived with his girlfriends parents for the better part of 10 years! This continues to be an issue for my husband and I whenever it is brought up or he asks again. My husband gets very defensive when it comes to his older brother. I love my brother too but I am not blind to his behavior either.

 

[Ceila]

No way would I allow someone like that to "house sit" (aka, crash for free).

 

[EMom]

I'm going to let out a little vent here. My BIL is 40 years old, has been couch and job hopping since he was in his late teens. Has never held down a job for more than a few months and has never had his own apartment or house. He has gone from living at home, to grandparents, uncles, friends, girlfriends parents, back with his mom now. He has asked us several times if he could stay on our couch or in our garage...My husband said he'd be ok with it but I am not. He continues to ask even though the answer from me continues to be no. My children are 14 and 10 and they have met him maybe 5 times. It would be no different than inviting a stranger to come live with us. He is a slob and doesn't even pay rent when he does stay on someones couch. I am not supporting him, nor do I feel bad for the situation he is in. He is not homeless because of bad luck, he is homeless because of the consistent bad choices he has made. How is this my responsibility? He is always asking for a ride, money, place to stay etc. Every person in my husbands family has enabled him to the point that he now feels entitled to everyone else's stuff. I am the only one that does not feel sorry for him in the least. He will work for a few months, blow his money on video games and concerts, has a restricted license because he owes so many DMV fines, then he'll get lazy and quit the next job.

Yesterday he TOLD me he was thinking about house sitting for us while we are in Disney at the end of the month. He totally put me on the spot in front of their family and mine at our daughters birthday party. He even suggested it as if he was doing me a favor by staying in my house for the week. Then he says "I'll bring my own bed sheets for when my girlfriend comes". I swear on my children I could not make this up if I tried. Long story short, his girlfriend lives 5 hours away because her parents got sick of him mooching off them and kicked him out, so he came back here to live with MIL (after we told him no several times)

His girlfriend still lives with her parents (also 36 year old) but apparently they had enough of supporting him and finally kicked him out. His plan is for them to basically bum around my home for a week so they can have a place to themselves for a bit. He tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms. To me the perfect solution to that would be to get a job and get your own place for once in your life but what do I know.

After the party I told my husband I thought it was incredibly rude for his brother to put me on the spot like that in front of everyone. My husband doesn't seem to think its a big deal at all and that we should just let him stay. If he stays 1 week he may never leave! He lived with his girlfriends parents for the better part of 10 years! This continues to be an issue for my husband and I whenever it is brought up or he asks again. My husband gets very defensive when it comes to his older brother. I love my brother too but I am not blind to his behavior either.

Oh hell no. Period.

This would be my line in the sand. I would make it clear to my DH that the brother and his GF had better not set foot in my home while I am gone. I'd cancel the vacation before I let them stay. Good lord, I'd want to toss the mattresses after they left.

Just no. I'd stiffen my backbone and tell my DH I'm not bending an inch on this one. He needs to choose between his wife and his brother. Enlist a neighbor to watch your house to make sure your weak willed husband does not slip his brother a key behind your back.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Omg that is horrible. Be firm and don't give in! I think your fears that once he is in, he'll stay forever (or what will feel forever) are totally legit. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and so what if your hubby's family get mad at you. They won't be the ones dealing with him and his mess, you will be.

 

[Ceila]

duplicate post

 

[HM]

Good god. I'm sorry you have to put up with that and your DH doesn't see the problem. Pixies.
Keep standing your ground OP. No good can come of buckling under.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

...

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Oh hell no. Period.

This would be my line in the sand. I would make it clear to my DH that the brother and his GF had better not set foot in my home while I am gone. I'd cancel the vacation before I let them stay. Good lord, I'd want to toss the mattresses after they left.

Just no. I'd stiffen my backbone and tell my DH I'm not bending an inch on this one. He needs to choose between his wife and his brother. Enlist a neighbor to watch your house to make sure your weak willed husband does not slip his brother a key behind your back.

that was my first thought, that he would tell him to just go after we left. My step sister lives next door and will be taking care of our cat while we are gone. She is aware of the situation so she would let me know right away if someone showed up unannounced.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

that was my first thought, that he would tell him to just go after we left. My step sister lives next door and will be taking care of our cat while we are gone. She is aware of the situation so she would let me know right away if someone showed up unannounced.

I think I would've just said to your BIL when he put you on the spot that TY but no thanks because stepsister is right next door and can keep an eye on the house plus feed the cat. Put an end to that right there.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I think I would've just said to your BIL when he put you on the spot that TY but no thanks because stepsister is right next door and can keep an eye on the house plus feed the cat. Put an end to that right there.

That is exactly what I told him, then he tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms and how "unfortunate" it is that I wouldn't let him stay. He was short with me the rest of the night and left without saying goodbye, which I don't care about but now my husband is trying to make me feel bad about it too!

 

[Dizlvr]

If this guy has been crashing at relatives and girlfriend's homes for over a decade he is a class one manipulator. He put you on the spot at the party because he assumed you wouldn't dare say no in front of everyone, and I'm sure he knew it would pit you and your dh against eachother.
Stand firm!

 

[Dizlvr]

I think I would've just said to your BIL when he put you on the spot that TY but no thanks because stepsister is right next door and can keep an eye on the house plus feed the cat. Put an end to that right there.

Yes, and that way he knows that there will be someone "watching" so if he happens to show up the OP will find out.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

If this guy has been crashing at relatives and girlfriend's homes for over a decade he is a class one manipulator. He put you on the spot at the party because he assumed you wouldn't dare say no in front of everyone, and I'm sure he knew it would pit you and your dh against eachother.
Stand firm!

Oh no. Not just a decade. He is 38. He has been doing this since he was 17 years old! 20 years this has been going on. He has no friends left. They're all sick of him.

I think you are right that is exactly why he said it in front of everyone now that I think about it.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I would've responded with "Thanks for the offer but we've already made arrangements for my parents (brother, sister, best friend, anyone but you) to stay. No way would I allow him & his girlfriend to stay for even a night.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, sorry that your husband is being this way.
His brother is an adult and is making his own choices.
Live and let live.
But when it comes to somebody living in my home.
And, it is YOUR home.

The BIL is not the issue.
This is not an in-law rant.
This is not an in-law issue.
This is a marriage issue, between your husband and yourself.

This should not be how lame your BIL is.
It should not be about any negative Personal opinions.
Because, if it is, guaranteed, yes, your husband will be defensive, and there will be no agreement.

Have you just said, very simply, this person will not be in my and my children's home.
He is your brother, and I respect that, and you can have whatever relationship you want with him.
But, he will not be in my home.
Period.
Lather, rinse, repeat???

If you were to be able to pull that off, what would your husband's reaction be?

I do hope that the two of you can work this out!!!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Yep, sorry that your husband is being this way.
His brother is an adult and is making his own choices.
Live and let live.
But when it comes to somebody living in my home.
And, it is YOUR home.

The BIL is not the issue.
This is not an in-law rant.
This is not an in-law issue.
This is a marriage issue, between your husband and yourself.

This should not be how lame your BIL is.
It should not be about any negative Personal opinions.
Because, if it is, guaranteed, yes, your husband will be defensive, and there will be no agreement.

Have you just said, very simply, this person will not be in my and my children's home.
He is your brother, and I respect that, and you can have whatever relationship you want with him.
But, he will not be in my home.
Period.
Lather, rinse, repeat???

If you were to be able to pull that off, what would your husband's reaction be?

I do hope that the two of you can work this out!!!

oh yes we have had that conversation several times. He always asks why, why wont you let him stay. I stand my ground, it gets dropped, a week later BIL asks for something else. Same conversation. I probably do need to work on my attitude when it comes to his brother, I just don't have the patience for this man.

 

[fly girl]

That is exactly what I told him, then he tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms and how "unfortunate" it is that I wouldn't let him stay. He was short with me the rest of the night and left without saying goodbye, which I don't care about but now my husband is trying to make me feel bad about it too!

I'm with @EMom my first thought was oh hell to the no!

Don't care if you're mad, go get a job.
Don't care if your moms house is awful, go get a job.
Don't care that you didn't say goodbye, go get a job.

GROW THE HELL UP! You're 40! Act like it. And you're not freeloading in MY house that I work for. Period. End of story.

Dh is an enabler because his entire family is. You're going to have to stand your ground. Tell him this is setting a horrible example to your kids? It's ok, you can do nothing with your life because you can hop over and magically be taken care of? No! This would be a knock down drag out fight in my house. No way would he stay!

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

That is exactly what I told him, then he tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms and how "unfortunate" it is that I wouldn't let him stay. He was short with me the rest of the night and left without saying goodbye, which I don't care about but now my husband is trying to make me feel bad about it too!

Lol too bad. Tell him to grow a pair and get a job so he can get his own place. Don't let hubby push you into doing something you don't want to do. He needs to remember happy wife, happy life!

I have a BIL that has some issues including hellion children that everyone in the family dances around. No one wants to hurt his feelings because he's so sensitive but I have told my hubby that there is no chance in hell that we would ever watch his kids for him (he's divorced). They come over for family parties and have no respect for my home, my dog, and adults- they do not listen. This summer on our annual cousins camping trip, he got mad at my hubby and me when we asked him why he left his younger kid behind at the campsite when he went off with a bunch of cousins and the older son. Never came and asked us if we had time to watch his child and no regard as to whether we had our own plans (which we did). Told us harshly that it wouldn't hurt to spend some time with our nephews. My feelings are they are your kids, not mine so they are not my responsibility! When we told his mom, she said that we should spend time with our nephews and help the brother out. She is the ultimate enabler!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I do understand your attitude and frustration!!!!!
BTDT.


May I ask.. is this (his blood relative) the only issue that your husband seems to be so one-sided and disrespectful and refuse to hear your feelings about?

 

[Wishing on a star]

No! This would be a knock down drag out fight in my house. No way would he stay!

Yes, this would my line in the sand as well.
It really would.
Sometimes one has to compromise and/or choose their battles.

It would be a hill that I might die on.