what to tell Matron of Honor?

[mjkacmom]

So like a silent partner? That seems so much less appropriate in wedding events than in business.

Yes. If the MOB wants an expensive shower for her daughter, she should cough up the funds, and not expect others to spend hundreds of dollars.

 

[Dizlvr]

Yes. If the MOB wants an expensive shower for her daughter, she should cough up the funds, and not expect others to spend hundreds of dollars.

But the expectation is that if she does "cough up the funds" she has to let someone else host it?

 

[brooke789]

The gift thing is so strange to me! I've never been to a wedding without gift in hand! As I mentioned earlier I work at a wedding venue. We have about 40-50 weddings a year. Our average wedding costs about $30,000 here alone (so not counting dress, usually flowers, photographer...just space, food and perhaps a couple hotel that the b/g or family are paying for). They're not cheap events and we have never ever had a wedding without at least one 8 foot table set up for gifts. A larger number of guests would dictate the need for more than one gift table.

I can see how NOT taking an actual gift would be nice b/c it's totally a hassle for the B&G to take their gifts. Usually someone else actually takes them for them and they get them later after the honeymoon. Which honestly is a hassle, so the card thing or gift mailed to the home would be nice.

 

[bethy]

The multiple showers correctly had no overlapping guests.

Yes, IME, typically multiple showers do not have overlapping guests with the exception of the MOB. If there are overlapping guests then they are not expected to bring a gift to more than one shower.

Also IME, in the past if one is invited to a shower but cannot attend then no gift is expected at all. Whereas if invited to a wedding one is always obligated to send a gift whether they attend or not. But I've seen that changing and I myself just sent a gift to a shower I could not attend. The rules are changing as they sometimes do.

 

[smitch425]

The wedding venue is a 150 minimum so that's why the shower will be about 75 people. Weddings are crazy around here If you let them be.

I did not read the whole thread, so I may be repeating previous info, but I had 300+ people at my wedding, but about 40 people at one shower and 20 at another. The one with 40 was at a restaurant, and the one with 20 was at a friend's home. Can you split them up? 100 people at one shower is ridiculous. It will take several hours. The invite list should be family and very close friends only.

 

[Ceila]

I just want to get this stuff alll straight since I have one dd and if I need too I will gladly provide a venue, or my home and pay for her shower. If I do that, I have to say its hosted by someone else, even if it technically isn't, or it will look like a gift grab? That is true for all regions and cultures?

I think you would be hard pressed to find any etiquette book or wedding forum in the US where the MOB hosting the shower would not be looked at as a gift grab. Should it be this way? No, I actually don't think it should, as showers are pretty much expected and nobody would expect the bride's family to provide them with all of the items that a bride typically receives at her shower. But it is what it is, and I wouldn't call myself the hostess even if it was in my home.

There are posts that insinuate that showers are just not done in someone's home or a church fellowship hall, so I guess it's more that it violates cultural norms. There are also posts that insinuate that it would be rude not to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding, which ups the cost of the shower.

Eh, I think you're reading too much into those. People tend to post what they are used to, but I think that, if pressed, most would acknowledge that different groups have different norms. It's interesting that you now include church fellowship halls - I can't imagine a shower being held there that costs anywhere close to $3,000.

 

[Dizlvr]

I think you would be hard pressed to find any etiquette book or wedding forum in the US where the MOB hosting the shower would not be looked at as a gift grab. Should it be this way? No, I actually don't think it should, as showers are pretty much expected and nobody would expect the bride's family to provide them with all of the items that a bride typically receives at her shower. But it is what it is, and I wouldn't call myself the hostess even if it was in my home.

I don't have any problem not being considered the hostess and being a silent partner, I just don't get why its considered a gift grab. Its like you said, a shower is expected, why does who hosts it determine if its a gift grab or not.

 

[smitch425]

All showers are gift grabs. Lol

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

I can see how NOT taking an actual gift would be nice b/c it's totally a hassle for the B&G to take their gifts. Usually someone else actually takes them for them and they get them later after the honeymoon. Which honestly is a hassle, so the card thing or gift mailed to the home would be nice.

RIGHT? The first time I heard that, I wished I'd heard it long before. It's easier on guests for travel, as well. And it's even simpler now with online gift registries. Best piece of etiquette I've ever heard.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I don't have any problem not being considered the hostess and being a silent partner, I just don't get why its considered a gift grab. Its like you said, a shower is expected, why does who hosts it determine if its a gift grab or not.

It just is. Google adding shower etiquette.

 

[Dizlvr]

It just is. Google adding shower etiquette.

I get that it just is, but that doesn't mean it makes any sense (for nowadays anyway).

 

[mjkacmom]

But the expectation is that if she does "cough up the funds" she has to let someone else host it?

Yes, it would be hosted by her bridal party (or aunt Marie, or cousin Gina...).

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Are there particular reasons for these rules, or is it just custom now with no thought as to why? I can't figure out why some of these things are viewed as bad. Can someone explain it to me like I'm 5?

 

[Dizlvr]

Are there particular reasons for these rules, or is it just custom now with no thought as to why? I can't figure out why some of these things are viewed as bad. Can someone explain it to me like I'm 5?

"Its just how it is"
or
"Because I said so"- Emily Post

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

"Its just how it is"
or
"Because I said so"- Emily Post

Well, I did ask to be told like I was 5 Thanks!

 

[Dizlvr]

Well, I did ask to be told like I was 5 Thanks!

I'm sorry, I don't have any other answers though!

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

The gift thing is so strange to me! I've never been to a wedding without gift in hand! As I mentioned earlier I work at a wedding venue. We have about 40-50 weddings a year. Our average wedding costs about $30,000 here alone (so not counting dress, usually flowers, photographer...just space, food and perhaps a couple hotel that the b/g or family are paying for). They're not cheap events and we have never ever had a wedding without at least one 8 foot table set up for gifts. A larger number of guests would dictate the need for more than one gift table.

I can see how NOT taking an actual gift would be nice b/c it's totally a hassle for the B&G to take their gifts. Usually someone else actually takes them for them and they get them later after the honeymoon. Which honestly is a hassle, so the card thing or gift mailed to the home would be nice.

Here an ACTUAL gift brought to a wedding would be considered a faux pas. No gift table at my wedding 19 years ago and I have not see one in ages. Wedding gifts are checks. It is a huge pain for the bride and groom to have to deal with getting gifts home - I cant believe anyone thinks that is a good idea. Why wouldn't the gift just be sent to their home beforehand?

 

[meowser]

I don't have any problem not being considered the hostess and being a silent partner, I just don't get why its considered a gift grab. Its like you said, a shower is expected, why does who hosts it determine if its a gift grab or not.

This is to my best understanding of the history behind this: A shower is entirely about gifts. The whole point is to get together and give the bride (in this case) gifts. The bride herself or the MOB can't host because that is asking for gifts for themselves (I guess the MOB is an extension of the bride). A friend, bridesmaid, or more distant relative can host and ask for gifts because they're asking for everyone to get together and give gifts to their friend, niece, cousin, etc. The distance (even if it's slight) matters.

 

[Dizlvr]

This is to my best understanding of the history behind this: A shower is entirely about gifts. The whole point is to get together and give the bride (in this case) gifts. The bride herself or the MOB can't host because that is asking for gifts for themselves (I guess the MOB is an extension of the bride). A friend, bridesmaid, or more distant relative can host and ask for gifts because they're asking for everyone to get together and give gifts to their friend, niece, cousin, etc. The distance (even if it's slight) matters.

I see, but IMO that only makes sense if the bride and groom were going to live with the parents and share all the gifts. It is what it is for sure but I would never think "gift grab" if I got an invite to a shower hosted by the bride's mom, I's just see it for what it is, an invite to the shower that everyone expects her to have anyway.

 

[nkereina]

All these "this is the way weddings & showers are done in the northeast" traditions just seem tacky & so greedy to me & are yet another reason why I'm glad I don't live there.

Please. I live in the Northeast and can assure you some of the things I've read in this thread are NOT regional traditions. There's a lot of money in the Northeast (CT, NYC, Long Island, etc) and some of the things I've read suggest some of these showers are part of lavish weddings well beyond a traditional middle class shower. 100 women at a shower? 4 course meals? Thousands of dollars for the shower alone? Unheard of where I live in the Northeast. We're used to park lodge bridal showers, hosted and paid for by the bridesmaids, for $500 or less. But if these people have the money to burn on excessive showers, then more power to them!