what to tell Matron of Honor?

[minniecarousel]

Mother of two grooms here (several years ago).

I have a large, close family, so for one shower, it was at my house but the invitation was written "hosted by MOH". We don't get fussy.

The other DDIL had 3 showers: a small one with the women on her side of the family, hosted by an aunt. One with her GFs, hosted by her Bridesmaids. And I know I hosted one at my house, but I don't remember how it was worded. We just invited the women in my family and the brides sisters & mother.

I am amazed at the "norms" around the country! And the money gift at a wedding to "cover your plate"! How on earth are you supposed to guess how much that is?! I'd have to decline an invitation if $500 was expected!

 

[morgan98]

This is yet another difference in regions. In my area, the shower gift is a smaller gift, and the wedding gift is larger. (Yes, they are separate gifts.) Sometimes the showers are themed, so the gifts will reflect the theme. For example, kitchen themes are common, but I've also been to Christmas ornament showers. If there is not a theme, the gifts usually are anything from the wedding registry. If you attend the wedding, a separate wedding gift or money is expected. If you do not attend the wedding, the shower gift is sufficient. (If you don't attend the shower, a shower gift is unnecessary.)

Just for the record, what I think was meant by larger gifts at showers were things in boxes. Large in terms of sets of plates, etc.

The cash gift she is referring to I would assume is "larger" in terms of value. But people give cash only at weddings almost 100% of the time. It is very rare that a wrapped gift would be given.

 

[morgan98]

I do not live in the NE, but I think sometimes on the DIS the "cover your plate" thing takes on a different meeting. No one presents you with a bill or tells you what they pay for person and you are expected to write a check. Rather, it is brought up on threads where people ask for advice as to what to give for a wedding gift. The cover your plate rule is more for a guideline as to what the gift should be. Most people have a general idea what a meal with open bar at one of those venues cost and use that as an amount. I am sure some give less.

I stated earlier that I am originally from Chicago and we loosely followed the cover your plate rule too. I would never go to a full sit down meal with open bar for four hours with my husband and give $30, or $50 or probably even $100. However, this is also a socio-economic thing as well. I have now lived in Atlanta for 10 years and the weddings I have been to here are like the ones I am used to. Basically cash gifts only at wedding and the cash gifts tend to be larger than some seem to be used to on the DIS.

All of this just to say, I don't thing there is "one" way to do things, either.

But I still don't think the MOB or bride should have anything to do with hosting the shower!

 

[brooke789]

In the South we seem to have very different showers. They're smaller, more informal and generally have a theme. For example the bridesmaids might do a lingerie shower, the MOB might do a kitchen or pantry shower. All set to get a certain type of gift. I would think $500 would cover whatever hoes doeuvres were ordered assuming the place itself is free.

So, if northern weddings you don't take a wrapped gift is there a gift table? I work at a wedding venue and we generally set up 2 r more 8 ft tables for gifts alone. Sometimes people have a table top mailbox for cards to go in.

 

[mjkacmom]

In the South we seem to have very different showers. They're smaller, more informal and generally have a theme. For example the bridesmaids might do a lingerie shower, the MOB might do a kitchen or pantry shower. All set to get a certain type of gift. I would think $500 would cover whatever hoes doeuvres were ordered assuming the place itself is free.

So, if northern weddings you don't take a wrapped gift is there a gift table? I work at a wedding venue and we generally set up 2 r more 8 ft tables for gifts alone. Sometimes people have a table top mailbox for cards to go in.

You don't bring a wrapped gift to the wedding. On the off-chance that you purchase an actual gift, the polite thing to do is to have it mailed to the couple.

I don't know of anyone who rented a church hall for a shower - that would be pretty informal - but it certainly wouldn't be free here. Probably a few hundred bucks, a lot cheaper than a restaurant (and we have many restaurants who only do events), but you still have to pay.

 

[mjkacmom]

This.



And this.

The mother of the bride NEVER hosts the shower. It's considered a gift grab.

But, then, I've never heard of "paying for my plate" wedding gifts either until I read about it here on the DIS.

All these "this is the way weddings & showers are done in the northeast" traditions just seem tacky & so greedy to me & are yet another reason why I'm glad I don't live there.

When we got married, I had 5 showers - a shower hosted by ladies at my church, a shower hosted by ladies at my inlaws' church, a work shower, a family shower hosted by 2 aunts, & shower hosted by a friend. Neither my mother nor I were involved in the planning or financing of any of them, & the guests (except for mother, my mother-in-law, & sister) were different at each shower.

In most instances, if you're invited to a shower, you're invited to the wedding - exceptions might be for very small family-only weddings or some kind of destination wedding where friends still want to get together a shower or some other kind of celebratory party.

However, I've never heard that every woman invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. That seems really over the top & very gift-grabby. Because, then aren't these same brides who are having these over-the-top showers also expecting a "pay for the plate" monetary gift at the wedding?

NOTE - We did have a bridesmaid brunch at a tearoom which my mother hosted - I gave gifts to my bridesmaids & maid of honor during this occasion & didn't receive any gifts myself.

If whoever is hosting the shower can't afford to host 75-100 ladies at a sit-down restaurant, then the size of the shower needs to be scaled down. And $500 should be plenty of money for a nice shower.

And, beyond possibly consulting on the guest list, the bride shouldn't be involved in the planning at all.

However, OP, since you're not contributing to the cost of the wedding, you might offer the $500 to the maid of honor or even to your DD to go toward the cost of the wedding.

That's pretty rude. Wedding traditions here in the NYC area have remained pretty much unchanged for decades, and many were brought over from previous generations from Italy, Ireland, etc., and have been done the same way longer than most other regions in this country. To call how other cultures celebrate big (and often religious) events tacky is just ignorant.

 

[Julylady]

I live in the Midwest. It's our custom for the aunts to host and pay for the bridal shower. Often cousins (who may or may not be part of the bridal party) help plan it. It's typical for a bride to have 3-4 showers depending on the size of the family. Usually about 30 guests are invited and they are held in someone's home, a condo clubhouse, or a church hall.

I had two nephews get married this year. I hosted and paid for the showers along with my two sis in laws. The brides moms, sisters and grand moms were invited to every shower. My mom went to six showers over eight weeks. Most are held on Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons. Food is either homemade or comes from Costco. I made the party favors, my sis in law planned the games, and my other sis in law bought the cake. We all also brought extra food. I am thinking that we each spent about $100 or so.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, I don't know where you live, but I've NEVER heard of the bride's family paying for the bridal shower. I live in Alabama, and, at least around here, the bridesmaids either pay for and host the shower, or a close relative (aunt or cousin, but NEVER the bride or MOB) hosts, usually in someone's home, or a church hall. Honestly, I'd talk to the MOH, and see what she has planned.

 

[Patience]

I live in the south. My oldest daughter is still in college and not getting married anytime soon but my niece was married a few years ago. I hosted a bridal shower for her at my home for about 25 people. I served cake, sangria, white wine, and heavy appetizers, some that I made and some that I had catered in. I had the cake custom made by a local baker and it cost me $85. The rest of the food, decorations, and drinks maybe cost another $200-250 or so. Everything looked lovely and we had a great time. My niece also had one other shower which was a lingerie shower hosted by her maid of honor. It was at the maid of honor's house and I know they only had drinks, cake and few snacks because my daughter was one of the bridesmaids.

When my daughters get married, I know my sisters will host a similar shower for them and I don't expect to have to pay for it and it would be considered rude for me to do it for my own child. I do plan to pay for the weddings up to a certain amount. One of my sisters owns a wedding design and wedding rentals business so that will certainly help with costs. I know what wedding receptions cost around here because of my sister and let's just say that a sit down dinner at a nice wedding venue with alcohol and a DJ and some really lovely and unique table settings and decorations costs a lot less around here than what most people in other areas of the country are describing.

It's interesting to read about regional differences.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'm gonna show this thread to my wife and remind her how lucky we are to have only boys.

 

[Disneylover99]

I'm gonna show this thread to my wife and remind her how lucky we are to have only boys.

I'm only going to encourage my kids to live with their SO's.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'm only going to encourage my kids to live with their SO's.

I'm in total agreement. This stuff is crazy!

 

[HM]

nevermind

 

[Mkrop]

Yes, and all the "everybody here does..." posts kind of prove the opposite of what people are trying to say. There's no one "right" way to do it.

I mean, even within a region, there are many different cultures. Look at the Philadelphia area. There are so many different social/ethnic/economic groups in and around the city. There's the Italian Catholics in South Philly, the black families in North Philly, the old Main Line families, the Irish families, the Mennonites...and within those groupings, there are wealthy families and poor families, older traditionalists and young people who come up with new ways of celebrating. I guarantee, all of those groups don't have showers the same way just because they all live in the same city.

Lynne, I am not disagreeing with you, maybe your shower experiences have been quite different. I was just stating my own and how long they have been going on and where I attended the showers to give an idea. But also I want to point out that for ME and the people I know, the showers have crossed many ethnicity, mainly Irish, Italian and Polish, and mainly Catholic. these have been in Philly, the Philly suburbs, to NEPA and South Jersey. And the SIL who did not want the shower we all see is as traditional in our family is Jewish so maybe amongst her group it wasnt the norm but it did take all of us by surprise when she said she didnt want one.

I also dont understand how one poster said that our traditions like the moms helping to pay is a gift grab, yet she listed several showers as her experience, why is one a gift grab yet her multiple showers are not. I dont like the name calling of others traditions. If your showers are lower key affairs and that is what works for you and yours then so be it. If they are more elaborate affairs in restaurants then so be it as well.

I say find out what the bride wants, we respected my SIL's wishes even if there was some awkwardness amongst the family and friends...and it all worked out

 

[piccolopat]

I believe the shower is going to be at a restaurant with about 75 to 100 women invited.

Traditionally the bridal party hosts and pays for the shower. Let the MOH know this now so she can plan accordingly. When my DD got married in 2011 her bridal party had no money. They got cute black dresses from Target and wore lime green sashes that DD's MIL bought. I hosted an at home shower on their behalf but they ran it. We all cooked some things, got a 6 ft hero and a cake, etc. We're in NY.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Sometimes I'm amazed at what goes on with weddings/showers these days.

Seems to me that before any shower is planned, all of the interested parties need to have at least an informal email discussion if not a meeting. MOH, bridesmaids, MOB, MOG, siblings, etc. If a party at a restaurant or venue is what someone wants, then unless she's paying for it entirely herself there needs to be discussion of budget, max contributions they can afford etc.

I've heard of bridesmaids 'presented' with the total amount they have to contribute toward a shower, exorbitant amounts and it's shameful imo! I tell friends NOT to say yes to bring a MOH and bridesmaid if their budget is tight unless they ask right up front how much they're expected to spend on dress, jewelry, hair, makeup, tanning, gifts, showers, bachelorette. Because often the expectations on them are ridiculous! Sometimes it's the brides, sometimes it's the rest of the bridal party but it's really absurd imo.

Anyway, OP, just talk to MOH. Ask her what she's thinking for the shower, who has agreed to contribute toward the cost, etc. If she indicates she's hoping you will contribute, then let her know your max is $500. Or tell her you'll pay for something specific, like the cake and flowers for your dd or something if the bill is already being taken care of by the bridal party.

Good luck!

 

[piccolopat]

It's all gotten out of hand piccolopat, I told this story before so I apologize it's folks havhey had the nerve to send notes in the invitations "suggesting" people's gifts.
I was supposed to get her a kitchenaide deluxe mixer

When I got married in 1977 we were happy getting towels, glasses and a toaster!

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Such strong opinions on all sides. I wonder who is right?

Do you go to many bridal showers? I've never been to one that has included men, although I know "couples showers" are getting more popular.

 

[design_mom]

That's pretty rude. Wedding traditions here in the NYC area have remained pretty much unchanged for decades, and many were brought over from previous generations from Italy, Ireland, etc., and have been done the same way longer than most other regions in this country. To call how other cultures celebrate big (and often religious) events tacky is just ignorant.

I don't mean to pick on you, but I think this (bolding mine) is pretty funny considering you just wrote this in the post right before: (bolding also mine):

You don't bring a wrapped gift to the wedding. On the off-chance that you purchase an actual gift, the polite thing to do is to have it mailed to the couple.

I don't know of anyone who rented a church hall for a shower - that would be pretty informal - but it certainly wouldn't be free here. Probably a few hundred bucks, a lot cheaper than a restaurant (and we have many restaurants who only do events), but you still have to pay.

I definitely agree that traditions vary throughout the country, within ethnic groups, and within socio-economic groups. As long as the attendees are aware of/okay with the traditions, I don't think it's proper to call them tacky or impolite.

I think more people get invited to "tacky" showers these days because friend/acquaintance groups are much more diverse than they used to be. In the old days, you generally only got invited to showers hosted by people who shared your common set of traditions.

At my wedding, and most I've attended, it is common to take a smaller (in value) wrapped gift to the shower, and a larger (in value) wrapped gift to the wedding. At my wedding, we got mostly gifts. We also got a few cards with money in them, which was also appreciated. Only one person sent a gift. I do see the value in shipping gifts so the couple doesn't have to worry about them on their wedding day, but it is not common practice here and I think most brides have planned for a way to deal with their gifts.

In fact, we're invited to a wedding this summer and my mother is in a tizzy because almost everything from the gift registry has already been purchased. I have told her that it's fine to give a card with money in it, but she is really against doing that because she doesn't feel it's thoughtful. (She doesn't like to give gift cards or cash as gifts because she feels like it says "I didn't care enough to think of something you wanted and go shopping for it... so here. Get it yourself." )

Most showers that I've been invited to are hosted at someone's home (often an aunt, sometimes the bridesmaids, occasionally a friend of the mother of the bride). The food is usually homemade. I am not sure who is paying for it. I do not believe my parents or friends' parents contributed to ours above attending as a guest. I was recently invited to my first catered shower (same wedding mentioned above). It was held in the banquet room of a sporting club and hosted by the bride's aunt. It was very nice but I would have been just as happy to attend something less fancy, less expensive.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Do you go to many bridal showers? I've never been to one that has included men, although I know "couples showers" are getting more popular.

No, I don't. That's one of the reasons I'm left wondering what is right and what is wrong. There seems to be a lot of different opinions and it is pretty interesting just how different they are.