Paying for your adult childs wedding

[mnrose]

Add me to the list of people who think your D is completely out of line. Seriously. She's a WORKING adult with a good salary.

Be very clear on what you can afford, hand it to her when the time is right, and move on. She will either need to adjust her wedding expectations or dig into her own pocket. That simple.

My DH and I did the "married in front of a judge" thing which cost us around $70, including the license, a new dress for me, and bus fare to the court house. We paid ourselves and never dreamed of asking either set of parents for so much as one thin dime. We were ADULTS.

Now, if a parent WANTS to pay for a lavish wedding, fine. That's their choice. But, to expect it is simply wrong.

 

[Laura66]

Once again I'm flabbergasted, but not surprised, by the entitlement and selfishness of so many young adults.

You giving her anything as a gift is generous - and her holding you to an amount you mentioned at 14! I'm speechless!

This is what happens when "we" do everything for our children.

I mean - you explained why (which you did not have to do) and she is mad??? She's not worried or concerned about your finances? This behavior and attitude speaks for itself about her character.

I'm sorry - that's how I see it.

 

[leebee]

Regarding when to "cut off" the wedding money, I guess I think that when a couple is living together, in a financially better place than their parents, it's time to reassess who will be able to afford to pay for a wedding. If your 'child' is still in college, or struggling financially at a dead-end or low-paying job, one would anticipate footing more of the wedding cost than if the 'child' is earning more than her father! To me, it's not really so much an age-thing as it is the ability of all parties to pay… unless, of course, you have been stashing money away for this forever and simply want to, or can afford to, pay for the wedding.

DD21 and her very significant boyfriend are not yet engaged, but they are "pinned" (Greek thing… they and their friends take this seriously) and have started looking at rings, talking about what each likes in a wedding ring, and making plans on where to move together after college, so I guess they are as serious as can be- just without an engagement ring yet, because as college students, he can't afford that yet. DD and I have talked about what we can afford, wedding-wise, what's important to include, what can be ignored/eliminated, and where to cut corners when it comes time to plan. DH and I want to pay for as much of her wedding as we can, but she understands our limitations and is, luckily for us, a very down-to-earth girl who wouldn't want to spend excessively for a one-day event, regardless of its importance.

OP, I think your DD just needed a reality check. My guess is her curtness was out of disappointment, and maybe surprise/shock, that things weren't going to go as she'd anticipated. It's not worth worrying over too much at this point, as they aren't yet engaged, but it's good that she knows where you are coming from financially. When it comes to wedding-planning time, give her a figure that you are willing to contribute, and stick to that. DON"T tap into your retirement account- the fees associated with doing this make it a hugely expensive undertaking and not something I'd consider except in a true emergency, especially when it also effects your security down the road. I think if you and DD have honest conversations about finances, it'll go smoothly. I'm sorry she was unkind in her initial reaction to your announcement about the money you'd have available for her wedding… I am sure that hurt you. I know it would me! I bet that now that she knows the parameters within which she'll need to plan, you guys will have a TON of fun doing so, and she'll have a beautiful wedding without financial regrets.

 

[alicat8]

If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to pay for it herself. We were dirt poor college students and at 21 and 22, paid for our own wedding.

I agree, there just seemed to be a lot of emphasis on her age and job as a factor in her eligibility for help.

 

[ilovemk76]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

She sounds entitled. You paid for her college, her bills and are still offering money for her wedding and she thinks this is not enough!!!!

She is not engaged. Maybe she needs to start saving that big salaries she and her non-fiance make for the non-wedding she is planning.

 

[Laura66]

I want to add - there is no reason you need explain your finances to your daughter. You've been supporting her for years, she does not grasp what a gift and sacrifice that was for you!
The only thing you need to tell her is that your current financial situation prohibits you from gifting her the amount she expects. Specifics are none of her business!!!

 

[JanaDee]

I agree, there just seemed to be a lot of emphasis on her age and job as a factor in her eligibility for help.

There should be. A 30 year old woman that makes more money than her parents doesn't need help paying for her wedding.

 

[alicat8]

There should be. A 30 year old woman that makes more money than her parents doesn't need help paying for her wedding.

Aaaaand before you said it wouldn't matter how old she was, so like I said before, what's the cutoff? If she were 21 and did need help, it would be ok?

 

[Dawnlight]

It sounds as if she's got a lot of growing up to do even though she's already 30. It is rude to have the expectation that parents will pay for something an adult child wants- whether it's education costs, wedding, down payment for house/car, costs related to having children, etc. She's an adult, as is her boyfriend, and if they want something that they don't have the money for they can either 1) lower their wedding standards or 2) take a loan out to cover costs.

You absolutely should not take money from your retirement to pay for this extravagance. Childhood and teenage dreams are just that- it's not reality.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just continue to be honest with her and things will work itself out.

 

[JanaDee]

Aaaaand before you said it wouldn't matter how old she was, so like I said before, what's the cutoff? If she were 21 and did need help, it would be ok?

I said before if she was old enough to get married, she's old enough to pay for it herself, along with her non-fiance.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Aaaaand before you said it wouldn't matter how old she was, so like I said before, what's the cutoff? If she were 21 and did need help, it would be ok?

The cut off for me is anyone that is old enough to get married. Sorry, I have never bought into the "parents pay for a wedding" thing. If they want to and can do so without going into debt or sacrificing retirement dollars, great, but the expectation that parents should pay should have died in about 1960 or earlier...

 

[Christine]

The cut off for me is anyone that is old enough to get married. Sorry, I have never bought into the "parents pay for a wedding" thing. If they want to and can do so without going into debt or sacrificing retirement dollars, great, but the expectation that parents should pay should have died in about 1960 or earlier...

I agree with you; however, if the parents have set the child up for that (and this parent did) then we can see where the expectation/entitlement attitude came from.

While it should never be a "given" that parents will foot the wedding bill, historically this has been what our society has done and definitely it is the expectation in many families. I have yet to go to a wedding in my family where the parents have not foot the bill. Maybe not the entire bill but a significant portion. My DD (who is 23) and I have actually never even had the conversation but it would shock me that she would expect I would be paying a significant portion of hers because our whole family has done that (....I better go have that talk soon!!)

So while everyone is saying that adult children shouldn't expect that, I think they do because so many people already do it, it was "traditional etiquette" to do so. However, that tradition was based on teen brides, women who had no careers, dowries, etc. Things have changed so much beginning foremost with the kids often making more than the parents and marrying at later ages.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I agree with you; however, if the parents have set the child up for that (and this parent did) then we can see where the expectation/entitlement attitude came from.

While it should never be a "given" that parents will foot the wedding bill, historically this has been what our society has done and definitely it is the expectation in many families. I have yet to go to a wedding in my family where the parents have not foot the bill. Maybe not the entire bill but a significant portion. My DD (who is 23) and I have actually never even had the conversation but it would shock me that she would expect I would be paying a significant portion of hers because our whole family has done that (....I better go have that talk soon!!)

So while everyone is saying that adult children shouldn't expect that, I think they do because so many people already do it, it was "traditional etiquette" to do so. However, that tradition was based on teen brides, women who had no careers, dowries, etc. Things have changed so much beginning foremost with the kids often making more than the parents and marrying at later ages.

oh, I agree that the mom in this case did set some of this up but seriously, the daughter is 30 and should not hold her parents to something they told her in 8th grade....

 

[BellsFam]

OP, you've received a lot of advice, so not to add just a suggestion...

DH and I together with both sides footed the bill... DH and I laid out what we wanted with our respective families and they offered (we did not ask) to pay for the guests they wanted to invite... (DHs family is large and ILs have a lot of friends), ILs paid for their guest list, my dad paid for his, my mom paid for hers, DH and I paid for ours.

The DJ my ILs treated as a gift, the cake and flowers and other incidentally things DH and I covered and my mom bought my dress as a gift...

We were well aware of everyone's financial state (at the time) and felt that because they offered it worked. But at 24 & 25 with two good jobs we didn't even think to ask for a dime! It was what WE wanted and didn't expect anyone to foot the bill for it. Our dream was added to with the help of our parents... Maybe you can prose a similar idea to your DD?

 

[rwdavis2]

We got married at 31 and 32 and paid for everything ourselves. We have drummed into our daughters heads that the are paying for their own weddings. We paid for college and now they are in their own.

if I was the OP I would point out to DD that they make me money than she and her husband and cannot afford it. Let the brat stew in it until she grows up.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Don't forget she wants to buy a house, also. Obviously choices have to be made. They can't have it all unless they have unlimited funds. This should be something she realizes at 35.

I would also say please take your IRA off the table. You can't borrow money for retirement, as you can for a house or wedding.

If it were my daughter I'd recommend she cut back on wedding costs if they're not something she and her fiance can comfortably afford on their own (with perhaps a little help from parents, if they can comfortably afford it), and concentrate on buying a home. But then again, I'm not a fan of lavish spending on a wedding. DH and I paid for our own with minimal help from our parents at ages much younger than your daughter. I sometimes wish we didn't spend anything on a wedding and bought a house a year or two earlier than we did, when prices were literally skyrocketing.

Mature people understand the economy tanked and circumstances for many changed.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

At her age she should be paying for her marriage herself, expecting her parents to do it is just insane, especially as she was rude because her parents can't afford to pay much.

 

[Bluestars]

Even though she had certain expectations, she does sound entitled. Maybe she needs a little time for it to set in. I would not feel guilty about changing the amount you told her she would get when she was younger. You've paid a lot of her expenses since then and the situation is different. I would tell her the dollar amount that you can afford to give her and that she can use it for her wedding or her house, whichever she prefers. If she continues to act unhappy about it, I would let her deal with her emotions without letting it upset me. She needs to act like an adult and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Also I would say "I wish I could" so she knows you do wish you could give more. You don't think she doesn't deserve a great wedding, you just can't safely give as much as you thought you could before.