Paying for your adult childs wedding

[ems_mom]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

 

[goofyintoronto]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

She was curt with you? wow. She has some mighty high expectations. I'd bring her down to reality so fast. Sorry but that attitude wouldnt fly with me. You contribute what YOU can afford, DONT feel bad about it, she will come around. As you said, your DD and BF make pretty good $$$! If she wants an expensive lavish wedding, have her pay for it. Again, do NOT feel bad. When I got married my parents helped me out, gave me what they could afford. I didnt expect them to help me thou! I was very greatful. Sadly your DD expects too much. Good luck.

 

[Allison]

She is in her 30's with a job and so is the boyfriend. They can pay for their own wedding. I never expected a dime from my parents for my wedding. It's just something I didn't expect them to do, not to mention the fact we were in a better financial position than they were.

 

[Julylady]

Wow! I can't imagine a 30-something with a college education and a job that makes her more money than her Dad expecting you to contribute anything toward her wedding other than a nice gift. Is she aware of your financial situation? Do you discuss your retirement situation with her? Teen age dreaming about a big wedding is one thing, reality is another. She might still dream of the big wedding, but she doesn't want to pay for it either.

Another thought. Do you think that this was the first time she realized that YOU were concerned about your financial future? If you had always had the resources to bail her out in the past, she might have thought you had unlimited resources. Perhaps her curt ness was her realization that money might be an issue for you in the future and she got worried.

Either way, you were right in giving her an amount you can afford now. Whatever you do, don't give her more than you can comfortably afford for both your sakes!

 

[deedeetoo]

I got married when I was 35. My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves. It never occurred to me to ask my mother for money.

Since you already offered a certain amount, I guess it would be hard to not pay that much, but I don't think you should pay a penny more. It sounds like she is acting like a spoiled brat.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I agree. I'm flabbergasted that she even ASKED for money. Do not take money out of your 401K to pay for her wedding!! Hopefully the boyfriend can be more reasonable about this.

DH and I got married at 25 and refused to allow our parents to pay for our wedding. They did, in the end, pay for a few things, but we paid for 99% of it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

She has some nerve.

I have no advice.

You should not be held responsible for a promise made years ago. Crap happens and she is being selfish and unrealistic.

Whatever you do, do not take your long term savings intended for retirement to fund her wedding. And don't allow her to manipulate you into getting her way.

 

[sharbear]

You just need to explain what you did here. Hey, I feel bad but the recession hit us hard and it took us back. I truely wish we could help more but we can't.

These are real life senerios and they happens. This isn't planning a dream wedding as a teenager. You need to prepare for your own retirement, and don't want your D to support you in the future.

I wouldn't get into her actions now. She had a dream and now both of you are facing reality. She will have to scale her plans down or save herself to pay for the wedding she wants.

 

[Christine]

OP, throughout your DD's lifetime, you have footed the bill or helped to foot the bill for many things. That's great that you can do that. You also did give her an expectation that you were paying a certain amount for her wedding. That expectation was set a long time ago, though. I think children, even adult children, have a hard time imagining that their parents have the same issues they do. We often don't see our parents as everyday people. You have also probably done a good job of shielding your daughter from your own financial issues. So now is the time to have another conversation with her about YOUR situation.

Tell her that you were hit by the recession (as was your retirement, I'm sure). Tell her that you are no longer in a position to provide what you thought you could 10 years ago. Explain to her that between her and her soon-to-be husband, they make more money than you and have years of earning potential in front of them. If she's still curt at that point, you need to show her your disappointment in her and the woman you thought you raised.

 

[NMAmy]

It sounds like she still had the expectation of the amount that you told her you'd provide when she was a teenager. As a woman in her 30's, it seems like she'd have a bit more grace when hearing that things had changed but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she is dealing with disappointment. Once things have calmed down, though, and she's had time to process, I hope she'll apologize for her childish attitude.

As far as what we did, DD was in her early 20's and finishing college when she got married. Her father, her future FIL, the bride and groom, and I all contributed but DD was hyper aware of costs and her entire wedding cost less than $5K. They purposely kept it small and simple and easy for everyone to afford.

 

[undertheradar]

I'd suggest that they pay for it. We eloped. If she continues to whine about it, let her know that once they set a date, you'll be sure to put it on your calendar.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

She should definitely not be curt or disappointed with the amount you can afford. She is lucky to be getting anything, and really if she is a better position financially than you... she should not even be asking for money. She should express gratitude for the offer, but decline and tell you that you need the money more than she does.

 

[Disneylover99]

Suggest to your daughter that she have a destination wedding and tell her you'll pay for your own airfare and accommodations. Then enjoy!

 

[hereyago]

I haven't been on the boards for a while but this community seems a good place to seek advice on social norms. My 30 something daughter is in a significant relationship, not yet "engaged". But she talks of marriage and wedding and honeymoon costs to me frequently. She also wants to buy a home. She has lived and worked very independently since she graduated from college.

Now both of us took out loans for her education. An east coast out of state school even with financial aid cost us an arm and a leg. She was a stellar student and graduated a semester early. But when the economy tanked she was laid off from her job and we paid her bills for a couple of months until she found a new job.

But to get back to the point, even though there's been no proposal yet she's talking wedding costs to me. When she was a teenager and obsessed with a 4 day wedding I had promised X amount to her for her wedding. Well the recession hit us hard and now we can only offer 1/4 of that. But here's the thing. Her salary is higher than her dad's. And her boyfriend makes more than she does.

I told her how much money we could afford to give her. She was so curt, so disappointed. I have a traditional IRA from when I was working that has plenty of money to cover her wedding. I just need to die!

I'm venting here because I don't want to say something really mean but can't take back.

Other mothers out there, what do you think?

Being curt would be an automatic not give her anything plus I would tell her she needs to stop acting like a brat.

Parents DO NOT OWE their kids a car, college education, wedding/ honeymoon.

I was 29 and paid for the Justice of tbe Peace.

 

[SweetieinVT]

I would take a step back and give her some time to absorb. If she had been counting on a specific amount for years and suddenly you are telling he you can't do that, I think her disappointment is understandable. That said, once you explain the financial situation, hopefully she will understand. I can't imagine expecting parents to pay for ANYTHING in this kind of situation. I got married when I was 29 and DH was 35 and we would not have dreamed of asking our parents to pay for any of it. When they offered to pay for a few things, we were happy to let them help where and when they could afford, but I had no expectation of anything beyond them being there to support us on the day of our wedding.

 

[ems_mom]

It's been awhile since I've posted on the disboards. But wow, I've received some great advice! I do think she was surprised by the idea that Mom and Dad had to cut back so much. She knew she was getting less, just not how much less. And she has said she wants a much smaller wedding and reception. Her boyfriend/fiance? is divorced and wants a small ceremony. I'm just venting and maybe she is also. We both had envisioned a big traditional wedding with every event you could think of. But "that" wedding was imagined a decade ago (or more). I guess if she needs to vent, it should be to me! I'll let it in one ear and out the other. Thank you all!

 

[alicat8]

While I don't think she has any right to give you an attitude about anything you're willing to give her, I'm having trouble with the opposite argument. Would she deserve more help if she got married as a "child" without a college education or good job?? I was happy with anything our parents gave us and never would have been disappointed with any amount. I totally understand op's pov, as I make more money than my parents and didn't expect a huge amount from them. I'm just having a hard time with all of the "She's 30, so she should pay herself" comments I guess...what's the cut-off age/income that it becomes unacceptable to want wedding help from parents when it's been an expectation set up in your teens?

 

[hereyago]

It's been awhile since I've posted on the disboards. But wow, I've received some great advice! I do think she was surprised by the idea that Mom and Dad had to cut back so much. She knew she was getting less, just not how much less. And she has said she wants a much smaller wedding and reception. Her boyfriend/fiance? is divorced and wants a small ceremony. I'm just venting and maybe she is also. We both had envisioned a big traditional wedding with every event you could think of. But "that" wedding was imagined a decade ago (or more). I guess if she needs to vent, it should be to me! I'll let it in one ear and out the other. Thank you all!

There is a vast difference between being curt and venting, she was out of line and she isnt even engaged yet.

 

[JanaDee]

While I don't think she has any right to give you an attitude about anything you're willing to give her, I'm having trouble with the opposite argument. Would she deserve more help if she got married as a "child" without a college education or good job?? I was happy with anything our parents gave us and never would have been disappointed with any amount. I totally understand op's pov, as I make more money than my parents and didn't expect a huge amount from them. I'm just having a hard time with all of the "She's 30, so she should pay herself" comments I guess...what's the cut-off age/income that it becomes unacceptable to want wedding help from parents when it's been an expectation set up in your teens?

If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to pay for it herself. We were dirt poor college students and at 21 and 22, paid for our own wedding.

 

[aaarcher86]

Could you calculate out the amount if money you paid for her bills when she lost her job? Sometimes it just helps people to see hard numbers.

Sounds like she's having quite the Diva moment. I'm. It surprised that she asked if that's what she'd always been expecting and you e always helped her in the past, but it can't imagine giving someone attitude about any money at all.

I don't know why you'd give a 14 year old a monetary figure on her wedding though either.