I think my friend is raising her own special snowflake

[nchulka]

Most parents are aware of the need for flexibility. Glad all your kids performed as expected. Many do not. OP-imho, you have unrealistic expectations of your friend. Help her instead of judging her. Never wake a sleeping baby, especially when it's the only sleep he's getting.

My kids both performed as expected. It's all about sleep training. I believe the OP is frustrated with her friend because she just lets the kid (not even a baby anymore) fall asleep and wake up when he wants. It is annoying to parents who realize how easy it is to get babies to sleep on a schedule that other parents sit a complain about how sleep deprived and overwhelmed they are when they don't have to be. I put both of mine on a schedule from the time we came home from the hospital, they both had it down pat between 1-2 months old. I got plenty of sleep at night, I had nap times you could set you watch by literally since I always put them down and got them up at the same time everyday. This gave me plenty of time to do all my laundry/housework and chill with some ice cream and TV during naps and left me nice and refreshed to Play and snuggle during the times they were awake. Most parents aren't willing to listen to any crying in the beginning and can't see that it is for the childs well being down the road, so they create demanding little monsters by letting the baby dictate the schedule and feeding on demand and letting the sleep/wake whenever they want. I understand OPs frustration, I've felt it towards other parents as well. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me when someone says their baby won't sleep on their own. Of course they will, they are babies, they can't go anywhere. Put them in bed and they will eventually sleep. The problem is mommy can't stand to hear crying, not that the baby can't sleep. It's for the babies own good. By 8 weeks my kids both had very balanced schedules where they were well fed and got great sleep. They were happy and content! It was worth a few weeks of crying that they don't remember at all. As opposed to babies who didn't get enough sleep and were cranky and demanding and not well rested.

 

[Granny square]

I found that you have stages of sleep issues to deal with. An illness or change in schedule would foul up my usually happy sleepers.

At 17 months each of mine had figured out how to scale the crib fortress an I'd hear a big old THUMP.

Lol, kids are different and what works for one doesn't always work for another. Then add in the temperaments of the parents and it can get complicated. A friends husband would stress out so much when the babies fussed at night that she often wound up sleeping in the their room. You seldom know what goes on in the homes of others.

 

[Acklander]

My kids both performed as expected. It's all about sleep training. I believe the OP is frustrated with her friend because she just lets the kid (not even a baby anymore) fall asleep and wake up when he wants. It is annoying to parents who realize how easy it is to get babies to sleep on a schedule that other parents sit a complain about how sleep deprived and overwhelmed they are when they don't have to be. I put both of mine on a schedule from the time we came home from the hospital, they both had it down pat between 1-2 months old. I got plenty of sleep at night, I had nap times you could set you watch by literally since I always put them down and got them up at the same time everyday. This gave me plenty of time to do all my laundry/housework and chill with some ice cream and TV during naps and left me nice and refreshed to Play and snuggle during the times they were awake. Most parents aren't willing to listen to any crying in the beginning and can't see that it is for the childs well being down the road, so they create demanding little monsters by letting the baby dictate the schedule and feeding on demand and letting the sleep/wake whenever they want. I understand OPs frustration, I've felt it towards other parents as well. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me when someone says their baby won't sleep on their own. Of course they will, they are babies, they can't go anywhere. Put them in bed and they will eventually sleep. The problem is mommy can't stand to hear crying, not that the baby can't sleep. It's for the babies own good. By 8 weeks my kids both had very balanced schedules where they were well fed and got great sleep. They were happy and content! It was worth a few weeks of crying that they don't remember at all. As opposed to babies who didn't get enough sleep and were cranky and demanding and not well rested.

Oh please, just because I don't believe in ferberizing my child doesn't mean I'm creating a demanding little monster. Actually, I have a couple of great kids, who grew into independent, giving, wonderful people all without the benefit of crying it out.

 

[Jenn]

My girlfriends and I have a saying "we all have our crazy". In other words I do stuff they think is crazy, they do stuff I think is crazy. My kids are teenagers. Almost all my friends' kids are under 8 or so. Sometimes I totally disagree with their parenting and I'm sure they do with mine. I'm dealing with cellphones, back talk, messy bedrooms, college in a few years, dating, etc. They are dealing with temper tantrums, picky eating, naps, potty training. We try to respect each other and let it roll off our backs, even though we all have an opinion of how we would handle a situation if it were us. It's hard sometimes.

 

[MichelleVW]

OP, I have raised two kids and I will agree that your friend sounds like a wackadoodle!

Just remember these things when your own gets here. Don't let the child take control of every situation. Sometimes it's hard not to let that happen, and sometimes some parents seem to relish it.

If I heard my child care provider say that, I would fire him/her so fast their head would spin. What an incredibly insulting and stupid thing to say, even in jest.

Lol....we don't say those things in front of parents, but when we have an infant from 6:30 a.m to 6:30 p.m even when the parents have the day off, it's hard to not feel that way.

 

[DisneyATlast]

It's so funny how different everyone is when it comes to kids. Some people are like, "Oh, just wait. She's exhausted! Just imagine being sleep deprived, blah blah blah." Uhh....the kid is 1.5 years old, not 4 days old. There are people who go to work, school, or both and they don't find it "draining" or "exhausting" or whatever. The whole "you can't possibly understand until you're a mother" only really works on men or people who aren't mothers. Some people are mothers and they still think the notion that raising a kid is a life draining chore is ridiculous.

 

[MichelleVW]

It's so funny how different everyone is when it comes to kids. Some people are like, "Oh, just wait. She's exhausted! Just imagine being sleep deprived, blah blah blah." Uhh....the kid is 1.5 years old, not 4 days old. There are people who go to work, school, or both and they don't find it "draining" or "exhausting" or whatever. The whole "you can't possibly understand until you're a mother" only really works on men or people who aren't mothers. Some people are mothers and they still think the notion that raising a kid is a life draining chore is ridiculous.

Agreed....it's not as hard as some people make it out to be. (and I had a baby that cried for the first 4 months of her life).

 

[pacrosby]

Lol....we don't say those things in front of parents, but when we have an infant from 6:30 a.m to 6:30 p.m even when the parents have the day off, it's hard to not feel that way.

No kidding. The kid's at daycare 12 hours a day. Home 12 hours.......9-10 of which of which are spent sleeping. Do the math.

 

[design_mom]

Lol....we don't say those things in front of parents, but when we have an infant from 6:30 a.m to 6:30 p.m even when the parents have the day off, it's hard to not feel that way.

No kidding. The kid's at daycare 12 hours a day. Home 12 hours.......9-10 of which of which are spent sleeping. Do the math.

Really? Does this thread, like so many others, *have* to go that way? Childcare was not at all part of the OP.

 

[luvsJack]

Sure all kids are different and what works for one doesn't work for another. The thing is, it really sounds like this mom could use some advise on how to get her child to sleep at night. And its easy enough to try different things until you find what works for that child.

We just went through something similar with dgd. Dil was getting little to no sleep at night because the little one was up late and the older one was up early.
So, she asked me what to do. The younger child (she will be 2 in March but was 18-20 months at the time) was taking a short nap before lunch and a late nap before dinner. Dil continued letting her do this because the child would actually get her blanket and go to the door of her room wanting to get in the crib. So, I told her it may take a few days of an unhappy child but she could probably work it out in the end.

So, dil stopped the morning snooze by shortening it by 15 minutes at the time (waking the baby up) and did the same with the late afternoon nap. That got her going to bed early. Once the morning nap was gone, dgd started taking a nap after lunch and the problem was solved. Now she and her older sister have the same sleep patterns.

Does it work the same way every day? No. And it took awhile before dgd adjusted to it and became her happy, cheerful self again.

When I had a baby and a toddler, I had to try a dozen different things until the toddler was taking his nap at the same time as one of the baby's longer naps--that way I could get some rest too.

When dd came along, she had to go to work with me (child care center) so I knew that when she got down to one nap a day, it had to be at the same time as the nap time in child care. So, again, different methods of getting her in bed at a certain time at night so that she was up in the a.m. and ready for a nap at noon.

Crying it out wasn't one of the methods I ever tried. But I know it works for some. It made me cry and stressed, so not what I needed to do.

My point is, that while the same things do not work for every child there is no sense in being miserable and getting no sleep. Try different methods until you hit on the one that does work for the mom and the child.

 

[Granny square]

It's so funny how different everyone is when it comes to kids. Some people are like, "Oh, just wait. She's exhausted! Just imagine being sleep deprived, blah blah blah." Uhh....the kid is 1.5 years old, not 4 days old. There are people who go to work, school, or both and they don't find it "draining" or "exhausting" or whatever. The whole "you can't possibly understand until you're a mother" only really works on men or people who aren't mothers. Some people are mothers and they still think the notion that raising a kid is a life draining chore is ridiculous.

It depends. I had undiagnosed ppd 3 times before we figured it out for the next. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I made it through because I have a great husband and mom and sisters and friends.

You may have found it all easy peasy and that is great. I've found the majority don't in the many years since. It isn't because they suck or are lazy. I have a friend who is an awesome mom. To teens. She just didn't get babies. She muddled through it though.

So it is easy if you thrived during that time to say it is all easy. Mine sleep trained easily. But I had a picky eater. Exposed to all the same foods as siblings but picky.

Kids all are different. Parents have high points and low points.

Mother wars don't benefit anyone. Looking down your nose is not cool. Looking down your nose when you haven't even tucked a toe into parenting even less so. Whether you are a guy or girl.

 

[DisneyATlast]

I never said that being a parent is easy. Some people just make it a lot harder than it should be. When you're the grown up, you set a schedule for your baby and adjust their routine to fit yours. You don't adjust your life to fit theirs. Well, some people do. I guess that's where the term "special little snowflake" was born. Like my MIL used to say, "You're the big person. She's the little person." If parenting is that much of an exhausting task then something, somewhere is going wrong.

 

[Christine]

Really? Does this thread, like so many others, *have* to go that way? Childcare was not at all part of the OP.

Some people can't resist the underhanded digs.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, whether the OP is a parent, and therefore qualified to make the determination... it does sound like the friend may be well on her way to being one of those-parents of a snowflake.

On the other hand, attitudes like the one I am getting from DisneyATlast, on the other far side of the spectrum are equally scary!

I think it is the very, very, very, rare case where being a parent is that staightforward.. and it is almost never 'easy'.

 

[DisneyATlast]

Lol....we don't say those things in front of parents, but when we have an infant from 6:30 a.m to 6:30 p.m even when the parents have the day off, it's hard to not feel that way.

My daughter went to daycare while I went to class, and then I worked there after class so that I could pay for the daycare fee. There was this one kid who really was a "special little snowflake" and his parents would come in LATE every day and want to stand around watching him play with blocks or whatever he was doing. They thought it was so cute. We were all like, "Really?! It's time to go home. Just because you haven't ever seen your child built a lego tower doesn't mean the rest of us who have seen it for 12 hours today are impressed. Get your kid and go HOME!" I really loved the parents who lied to DHS about having a job so they got daycare for free. They would come in wearing pajamas and then go back home to sleep. Lovely!

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

There are a lot if good points here.


To those that said I should be supportive and help her around the house, I have. I've helped feed him and watch him so she can put her feet up or do a load of laundry. But when we make plans she wants to go out of the house, both for herself and him. So I arrange my schedule so I can be available and 9 times out of 10 get left hanging. And then I get texts that she has no friends and no one to help her.

And she is sleep deprived. She sleeps for 2 hours until her husband goes to bed, then watches the baby monitor the rest of the night. Her doctor actually told her she is harming her new baby with her lack of sleep but she wants to get to her son right away so he doesn't fuss. I agree the diaper changing is good at night for his sensitive skin, but the playing is probably over stimulating him.

She tried the mommy group, it didnt work because she always cancelled on them.

I'm not trying to write a parenting book. I wanted to hear from others who had similar situations but still kept the relationship.

 

[Planogirl]

StitchesGr8Fan, you are so gracious! I don't blame you for venting at all. It sounds like it's hard to be a friend to this lady right now. Just ignore those who have called you out.

Just remember, this will pass.

 

[DisneyATlast]

Well, whether the OP is a parent, and therefore qualified to make the determination... it does sound like the friend may be well on her way to being one of those-parents of a snowflake.

On the other hand, attitudes like the one I am getting from DisneyATlast, on the other far side of the spectrum are equally scary!

I think it is the very, very, very, rare case where being a parent is that staightforward.. and it is almost never 'easy'.

Yeah, I have 2 kids who don't run my life, and a bachelor's degree in early childhood development. Terrifying!

 

[Acklander]

I never said that being a parent is easy. Some people just make it a lot harder than it should be. When you're the grown up, you set a schedule for your baby and adjust their routine to fit yours. You don't adjust your life to fit theirs. Well, some people do. I guess that's where the term "special little snowflake" was born. Like my MIL used to say, "You're the big person. She's the little person." If parenting is that much of an exhausting task then something, somewhere is going wrong.

It depends on personality. We're very laid back, go with the flow people who spawned laid back, go with the flow children. We don't aspire to a life of structure and order, and didn't raise our children that way. We eat when we are hungry and sleep when we are tired. Yes, some things are on a schedule - school starts at a certain time, a dr appt is at a certain time and so on, but other than that we wing it. My kids never had a set bedtime. My son knows what time he needs to get up for school, and he takes it from there. Sometimes he's sound asleep by 930 sometimes at 11. He listens to his body and acts accordingly.
I didn't consider it hard work when I had babies because they ate on demand and slept on demand. To structure out every minute and fight against the body's natural instinct sounds like a lot more work to me, but I can see the attraction to it for the super planners in this world.
I guess the point is, raising kids isn't like math where 1 plus 1 equals 2 every time. There are many variables. Kids aren't fragile dolls - they are strong and will overcome the various missteps that parents make. Even the special snowflakes will find their way in the world. So we shouldn't worry so much or get frustrated about the mistakes other moms and dads are making. They will find their way - or they won't. But the kids will survive.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yeah, I have 2 kids who don't run my life, and a bachelor's degree in early childhood development. Terrifying!

Ummmmm..... What - E v e r....