Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[Princess on the Run]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

It would also be helpful to use pronouns instead of trying to assume whether this is a man and woman or what. I think we're all assuming, but you keep being vague and that makes it hard.

I would not ever know if my DH got a text like that because I would never read his texts. But if his phone fell into my lap on the text screen with this open and my eyes were forced to see it, I wouldn't do or think anything of it. But in my marriage, we don't restrict each other's contact with people of the opposite gender. I would never assume a woman texting him is trying to sleep with him because if I assumed that of every single woman he contacts, I would drive myself crazy. And if I found out my DH was reading my texts/emails and snooping around, I would probably assume he is jealous and insecure which are not attractive qualities to me. I might consider leaving him if he refused to have some faith in me. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship where someone thought that little of me that they needed to monitor my interactions with others.

I am shocked at the number of people who think this is crossing the line. There's so little civility in today's world and here we are punishing someone for being cordial. Are we living in the dark ages where men and women can't speak without a chaperone? Why assume there is bad intent? There isn't enough in that text to make negative assumptions.

If OP were to call the woman or take some kind of stand, she only makes herself look jealous and insecure. Is that how you want to appear to your DH or this woman? And let's say, hypothetically, this woman IS trolling for your DH. By making a fuss, you just told her your marriage isn't totally secure and now she thinks she has an "in." If a woman is that suspicious, I am going to assume she has good reason to be and that their marriage isn't solid. If a woman is looking to break up a marriage, and gets a sign that the marriage has a weakness, of course you're going to exploit that weakness. Why give her that weapon?

Just ask him already...

I agree. I wouldn't ask but it's obviously bothering OP enough that she probably should just to make peace with it.


I will say that the one thing you just said bugs me (if I'm reading it right. Again, it's hard with all the lack of pronouns and stuff). If you are saying that your DH would be mad if a man had your phone number, yet he gave his to a woman, I would have a problem with that double standard. However it works, it should go both ways. So if you are saying what I think you are, I say you have a bigger beef with him over this double standard than anything actually written in the texts from the woman.

 

[disykat]

Since I am in a relationship where it would be way more normal to be using each other's phone with no worries about who looked at what than to be giving our numbers to people of the opposite sex who we called affectionate names and made "dates" with, I'd be asking "what's up with this?"

The only men whose names are in my phone are people dh knows and he wouldn't have to wonder what was up, he'd already know.

Let's say dh was setting up a raquetball court reservation or something in the OP, I'd probably already know that he'd been challenged to a game by .... or whatever.

I honestly wouldn't care if dh looked through my texts. Why would I?

 

[VeganCupcake]

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

 

[ZuZugal]

Trust your instincts. THat's why you have them!!

You obviously have a lot to work out now with your DH. I have no advice except BE STRONG!! Be prepared for what he may throw your way once the conversation starts. BE STRONG!

 

[Princess on the Run]

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

This makes a HUGE difference. The one text doesn't seem to mean anything. But knowing he is at the gym flirting with more than one woman to the point that they are asking the front desk about him and no one knows he's married. That's different and you have every right to smack him with the frying pan over that!!!

My advice is to stop reading his texts and sit him down and ask him why he's flirting with women at the gym. Don't make it about the text. He will ask you for names and evidence and situations. Tell him this isn't his turn to question you. This is your turn to ask questions and you want an answer why he no one at the gym knows he's married. Be calm and demand an answer.

I may call people sweetie and love and I may go out of town for work with men having dinner and drinks and even exercising with them at the hotel gym. But every one of them knows I am married. I wear a wedding ring and have pictures of my kids and dogs plastered all over everything (including my phone case). I feel that the text you shared is no big deal, but this behavior at the gym is and should be addressed. Possibly with a frying pan.

 

[FayeW]

Well. That certainly changes things. Maybe not an innocent date for a workout after all. Good luck to you.

 

[horseshowmom]

There is no acceptable reason for two people who are married to others to have that kind of an exchange.

As a married woman, I would NEVER talk/text this way to any man that is not my DH! It is very disrespectful and shows a lack of class.

I had already picked this to quote to say that I agreed with it. The following makes it even more so.

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

You have every right to be hurt. There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. YOU haven't done anything wrong. I don't think the same can be said for your husband. Sadly, I think you know where things stand. If I could, I'd come hit him with the frying pan for you.

 

[goofyintoronto]

This is what i wrote before reading your previous post:

The husband gives his number to a woman he met at the gym, she calls him love and says he owes her a date. Sorry but this is not normal behaviour for a married man. Ask him already. Why would you not?

For the record, sure the wife shouldn't have read the texts but that doesn't matter now. What's important is the issue between the woman and her husband. Period.

EDIT: I just read your previous post, and wow. Im so sorry your going thru this.

His behavior is highly inappropriate. The way he's behaving with his phone, he is obviously hiding A LOT. Good for you for noticing that. You need to confront him with everything you know. Everything. He is acting like a single man at the gym. That's not ok. Leave your son with your folks so you can talk to him in private and discuss what you next steps will be, whatever you decide. Good luck.

 

[happygirl]

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

okay, going to play devil advocate, does he have a flirty personality? Maybe he doesn't realize how he's coming off. Hang in there

 

[mrsklamc]

When it comes to straight members of the opposite gender, the word 'date' means romantic in my experience--not lunch, working out, etc. It means something inappropriate for people in a marriage (unless it's 'open' I guess) to do with members of the opposite sex.

As a woman I might tell a female friend we had a lunch or coffee date, but never a male.

Obviously OP you've since found out other things are going on, but I'm surprised at the number of people who felt these texts could have been innocent.

 

[Bluestars]

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

If you confront him, please don't let him turn things around and make you look like the bad guy for questioning him. It sounds like you know it's happening because you have a trustworthy source. If you start yelling at him, he will become defensive and probably not want to talk. If it's at all possible, I would wait for the anger to subside a bit before talking to him.

I don't know how long you have been married, but suggesting marriage counseling might be a good place to start. It might be helpful for both of you to understand why he is acting this way so you both can decide the next step.

Good luck. I'm sorry.

 

[StephMK]

OP here - after reading responses It was probably smarter to give more details( sorry )
O met X at the gym.
O would be uncomfortable if spouse was to give their number to person of O's gender at the gym.

Ok, I was reading through the thread trying to keep an open mind about options until I read that. No, that would not be ok with me and I'd be trying to get additional info & probably an unannounced gym trip to check out the other person unexpectedly. I think you could tell a lot by seeing the person in question without warning and reading their body language & demeanor.

DH works out as his office gym and has female & male coworkers who are friends. He stays in touch w/2 former co-workers - female & male. I'm fine with all of that. Meeting a stranger at the gym we belong to as a family, exchanging numbers, and texting about a "date" - whether it's to lift together, or whatever, is crossing that line IMO.

Ok, just saw your latest update. I'm so sorry. Your step-mom was very brave to share that info. I think a frying pan is definitely justified. I'm sorry and wish you strength.

 

[goofyintoronto]

When it comes to straight members of the opposite gender, the word 'date' means romantic in my experience--not lunch, working out, etc. It means something inappropriate for people in a marriage (unless it's 'open' I guess) to do with members of the opposite sex.

As a woman I might tell a female friend we had a lunch or coffee date, but never a male.

Obviously OP you've since found out other things are going on, but I'm surprised at the number of people who felt these texts could have been innocent.

You took the words right outta my mouth. Couldn't have said it any better. The word date, when referring to a get together with the opposite sex in this context, usually means more than just an innocent coffee etc. And those texts are definitely very suspicious. Im also surprised at those who thought otherwise. Trust your gut OP.

 

[SaraJayne]

OP here again. OK so I'm going to stop tip toeing around(the situation makes me want to throw up I am shaking as I type this so pardon any crazy spelling. O is my husband X is a woman he met at the gym. I am at my dad/step mom's house right now. Their neighbor works at the gym . While my son was swimming with my dad in the pool just now my step mom was looking at me weird and I said why are you looking at me crazy? She said she didn't know how to tell me and was very hestitant to start each new sentence. She told me on NYE her and their neighbors got together and the alcohol was flowing. Her neighbor asked her if dh & I were still together and how he treated me. My step mom said they are still together. She told my stepmom that my Dh is always at the gym flirting a any with women and that no one knows he is married( they ask her all the time if he is she works at front desk) because he acts so flirty and just like a dog. I feel like I am going to explode. For the last few months his phone is on silent anytime he is home he turns his phone off/stops texting anytime I come in the room. I wasn't ready to give all details earlier because ... well honestly I didn't want to yet. I am going to go home now and try not to smack him with a frying pan across the face. I'm hurt and embarrassed I don't know what else to say really.

No advice, just .

 

[mimmi]

Yes, that changes everything, that's not just one message but a very szrange behaviour, you should talk to him.

 

[Nancyg56]

okay, going to play devil advocate, does he have a flirty personality? Maybe he doesn't realize how he's coming off. Hang in there

Flirty personality, phone on silent and no one knows he is married. No way to play devil's advocate under these circumstances. He knows what he is doing and is actively trying to hide it. In my home this would not be okay.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

My professional opinion as a husband that hates cheaters: Rip his ***** off and feed them to him.

 

[Becky2005]

Yes, that changes everything, that's not just one message but a very szrange behaviour, you should talk to him.

Definitely! The conversation as a stand alone as I said could be taken all sorts of different ways. However, with the added information -- definitely changes the meaning.

I would definitely put this all on DH -- I just started going to a gym and quite frankly -- I am oblivious of who is around since I'm more focused on attempting to actually finish the workout in one piece since I'm out of shape.

I would think the woman doesn't even know he's married (although the OP said she knew the woman was married -- unless that is what her DH told her).

whatever happens it's going to be hard to recover but you will one way or another.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Flirty personality, phone on silent and no one knows he is married. No way to play devil's advocate under these circumstances. He knows what he is doing and is actively trying to hide it. In my home this would not be okay.

Exactly what i was thinking. At first i thought, ok, he might just be really flirty. Nothing wrong with that. Then i thought about how he's actively trying to hide his phone activity and also the fact that he's married, that's not a good sign at all.

 

[happygirl]

Flirty personality, phone on silent and no one knows he is married. No way to play devil's advocate under these circumstances. He knows what he is doing and is actively trying to hide it. In my home this would not be okay.

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??