Mil issue/ help/Update page 7

[mamajo]

Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. I’ve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I “treat” him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or something—that he’s mistreated, maligned, abused—whatever. I don’t know why or how they come to that conclusion being that we’re happily married. It’s time for them to move on but they just won’t. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to “confront” anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. I’m very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband can’t go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. I’ve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that I’m not there as well). I’m danged if I do, danged if I don’t. I’m tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesn’t want to have to explain why I’m not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because “it’s the right thing”. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to “upset” me? She doesn’t understand why I don’t seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, “You have to ask her, don’t put me in the middle of it.” Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much she’s hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I don’t feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he won’t say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if that’s what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. I’m terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. I’m just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. I’ve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I “treat” him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or something—that he’s mistreated, maligned, abused—whatever. I don’t know why or how they come to that conclusion being that we’re happily married. It’s time for them to move on but they just won’t. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to “confront” anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. I’m very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband can’t go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. I’ve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that I’m not there as well). I’m danged if I do, danged if I don’t. I’m tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesn’t want to have to explain why I’m not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because “it’s the right thing”. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to “upset” me? She doesn’t understand why I don’t seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, “You have to ask her, don’t put me in the middle of it.” Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much she’s hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I don’t feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he won’t say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if that’s what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. I’m terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. I’m just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.

I would be very angry with your husband. He should be dealing with his family; you get to deal with yours.

Since he's not helping, I would give him a courtesy warning that if he doesn't say something now, you will. Then do say something.

I don't think your SIL threw you under the bus, though. She's trying to stay out of the toxic mess herself.

 

[Jennasis]

Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She rightly refused to be the middle man.

Your bigger beef than your MIL is your DH. He chooses them over you and will not defend you to them. Your marriage is in deep trouble. I suggest counseling. If your Dh doesn't learn how to stand up for you and himself to his family, I see no hope for you two.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I would be asking my husband are you married to me or your mother? He needs to stand up to the situation. If he chooses not to deal with it, it would benefit you to get some counseling on how to deal with the issue. There is allot to learn even going to counseling by yourself.

 

[Disney Doll]

You've got a husband problem, not an in-law problem, so I suggest you address that.

Counselling with your husband would be a good place to start.

 

[EMom]

I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.

 

[turkeymama]

I would be very angry with your husband. He should be dealing with his family; you get to deal with yours.

Since he's not helping, I would give him a courtesy warning that if he doesn't say something now, you will. Then do say something.

I don't think your SIL threw you under the bus, though. She's trying to stay out of the toxic mess herself.

Yep, this. Even agree about the SIL.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.

really nothing else to add. You said it perfectly.

 

[mamajo]

We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???

 

[Christine]

Honestly, you are being a doormat.

I would, at this point in your life, be honest with the MIL. Secondly, I would also being have words with my DH. He won't back you up? Fine, then you will NOT go to the family gathering so HE doesn't have to keep explaining your absence. Your husband should have stood up for you a long time ago. You need to show him what you posted. Tell him that he can continue to not defend you and you will continue to not go to the in-laws. If he decides that he would like to grow a backbone and stick up for you then you can reinstitute trips to the in-laws with him. You can control this rather than letting them control you.

 

[mjkacmom]

My aunt doesn't like her son's wife much. Why? Because her son (my cousin) is always throwing his wife under the bus. Behind her back, of course.

There is a reason why your MIL and BIL think you are abusing or controlling your DH - your DH gives them that impression. The fact that he won't stand up for you is a warning sign.

 

[Jennasis]

If your DH has no interest or ability in standing up for you so YOU can be more comfortable, why on EARTH should you go with him so HE won't be uncomfortable and have to explain your absence.

DON'T GO. Stand up for yourself, because he won't.

 

[mommasita]

We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???

He told you you HAVE TO GO? Well, I can relate to many of your issues, and my heart goes out to you in a big way. My DH does stand up for me with his sisters, and I still won't go. He asks, but never tells me. UH UH. That would not be happening!!

At 43, I need to respect myself. I should have figured this out long ago, but somehow I thought things would change. I get along with my FIL tremendously and he even vacations with us.

IMHO, you need to rid yourself of this negativity. In NO WAY, shape or form, would I be with DH if he didn't stand up for me.

 

[Andtototoo]

Bottom line: You are not #1 in your husband's priority list. He'd rather you be verbally abused to the point where you're having a breakdown than deal with it.

Think about that. Your husband would rather you be verbally abused and maligned -- to the point where you're having a breakdown over it -- than do something about it. He's trying to force you to go somewhere you'll be treated like crap.

Is that the behavior of someone who has promised to love and cherish and honor you?

What kind of husband would do that?

Do you want that kind of husband? Really?

Do you want to live with that reality or not? Do you deserve better or not? What would you tell your daughter or sister or best friend if she were in your shoes?

And btw -- He told YOU that you had to go, but he won't tell his mother to shut it? So he has the guts to tell you what to do and how to do it, but not his family? Oh no, honey. No way. I sure as shooting would NOT be going on this trip. Oh, no. No way. Notgonnahappen. Tell him, "Buh-bye" and take the time he's gone to have a serious reflection about your marriage and future.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???

Umm, if he can't bring himself to support his wife then his wife shouldn't have to go visit. Stand up for yourself and stay the hell home. He will have to explain your absence.

 

[krcit]

You said that they are sweet to your face but nasty behind your back? Who is telling you what they say? I'm just trying to find out info before I answer lol. It's a crap situation and I'm sorry.

 

[EMom]

If your DH has no interest or ability in standing up for you so YOU can be more comfortable, why on EARTH should you go with him so HE won't be uncomfortable and have to explain your absence.

DON'T GO. Stand up for yourself, because he won't.

Indeed. Really, this is simple. Either he stands up for HIS WIFE as he promised to do when he married......or he gets to explain her absence, which won't kill him. Simple. And not your problem.

He cannot MAKE you go. What is he, your daddy? You just say "no." No, no, no. Easy.

Look, one of you is going to feel bad that day. You, because you go on the trip and get treated like crap. Or him, because he has to explain to his rude relatives that you're not coming. Why should it be YOU?

This is within your power. Just don't go. Let your DH deal with it since he can't grow a backbone. You stay home, go to a movie, out to dinner or shopping. Heck, get a massage. Again, there is no reason this should be a difficult decision. Just stay home.

Your DH, by refusing to stand up for you, has MADE HIS CHOICE. Face that and deal with it. MAKE YOUR CHOICE and stay home.

 

[dis-happy]

If you've decided to go, I would just paste a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine and dandy. Dont give them ammunition!

My SIL and family members treated me terribly when we were first married (plus all of us worked in a family business together that my DH's father had started). Talk about a pressure cooker of horror. I just acted dumb and didn't engage....in the end it worked out so much better. I never said anything I regretted, those who were moving behind the scenes against me looked stupid, and after about 20 years of marriage my SIL actually aplogized for all that she did. I actually didn't care at that point one way or another....I had focused on my life and building up my family and marriage successfully. She had been divorced 3 times by then and leads a terrible life with pain pills. As they say, living well is the best revenge. But after years of seeing crazy family drama on several fronts, I honestly believe that not participating in drama is best (even if you are right).

 

[SaraJayne]

We have had counseling. We've talked about it many times. He just can't seem to bring himself to say something. It hurts and I had a major breakdown about it when he told me I had to go this time. I poured my heart out and said I don't know what I did that they feel they have to attack all the time and he just says he's glad we don't live closer. I guess I don't want to acknowledge that he'll never support me. It hurts too much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore and this just makes an allready hard situation harder for me. Maybe I should just go off. What the heck have I got to lose???

You are a grown woman. Other than paying taxes, you don't *have* to do anything.

In your situation, I would not go. Stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet for a couple days and let your husband deal with the questions.

 

[luvavacation]

I have the same husband as you, OP, and we have also been married 25 years.

My DH avoids all confrontation. Need something returned? I do it. Problems with repair work? I take care of getting things fixed. Problems with the kids? I take care of it. Other than his confrontation avoidance, my DH is a great guy, wonderful father, and good provider.

Long ago, I learned that my DH will never stand up to anyone in his family about anything. He is the youngest child, and only son. His sisters and mother were a controlling unit. They disliked me from day one (wrong religion, wrong culture, wrong way of dressing, etc). When we married, I thought my DH would change and defend me, even though my parents warned me you don't marry hoping for change, you marry because you accept!

He still hasn't changed. He claims to not notice the eye rolling and snide remarks, and maybe he really doesn't notice, but still, if I tell him that the treatment from his family bothers me, he should respect that and protect me, right? As should yours, OP, correct? Well, I learned long ago that it will never happen.

Through the years, I have come so close to wanting a divorce, realizing of course that it is DH's family and his lack of backbone that caused me so much grief. I ignored all of his good qualities, and focused on this one huge problem between us, a problem that he didn't even notice!

At this point in my life, with my own children grown and leading wonderful lives of their own, proving to my DH's family that I am a good mom and not the worthless foreigner they thought I was, I am better able to let things slide.

I don't mind having his family over now, because I am showing them that I am a wonderful person, no matter what they may think of me. I am a good wife, one that loves their son/brother, and I will not give them the satisfaction of divorcing my husband. I am finally secure in the person that I am now, and though I still feel irritation over the fact that DH still "doesn't notice" any snide comments, I know his family is noticing that we are still married, my children are great people with good futures ahead of them, and we have a happy home life. And though it is wrong of me, I do take a small measure of joy in knowing that through his siblings divorces and foibles in life, they don't have what we have.

Plus, before passing this year, my MIL had a stroke 2 years ago. After her stroke, she suddenly seemed to appreciate me and even accept me. Love may never have happened between us, but at the end, she was kind to me and my children. I do hope, OP, that it will not take something so drastic as a stroke for your husband's family to see your worth, but sometimes it isn't until the end that we see people for who they truly are.

It isn't easy, OP, to stay by your husband, and sometimes you do have to stand up for yourself, if he won't. Do not allow your anger over your husband's lack of strength with his family to control any decisions you make regarding your marriage though. In the end, they win, if you do give them that power. If this is the one major problem you have with your husband, and you can find it in your heart to focus on his good points, then you will be able to survive his family. He will never change, not after 25 years, you just have to decide if you will allow his family to influence how you respond to his weakness in this matter.

Good luck.