Mil issue/ help/Update page 7

[Robbi]

Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. I’ve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I “treat” him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or something—that he’s mistreated, maligned, abused—whatever. I don’t know why or how they come to that conclusion being that we’re happily married. It’s time for them to move on but they just won’t. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to “confront” anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. I’m very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband can’t go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. I’ve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that I’m not there as well). I’m danged if I do, danged if I don’t. I’m tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesn’t want to have to explain why I’m not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because “it’s the right thing”. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to “upset” me? She doesn’t understand why I don’t seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, “You have to ask her, don’t put me in the middle of it.” Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much she’s hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I don’t feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he won’t say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if that’s what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. I’m terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. I’m just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.

1. Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She did the right thing.
2. If you go, let it hit the fan.
3. Make sure you have a set of car keys because if your husband allows them to mistreat you or does not stand up for you, walk out the door, get into your car, and go home. His brother or mother can give him a ride home.
4. If it comes to #3, insist on counseling. If he won't go, kick him to the curb. 25 years is waaaaayyyyyy too long for him to have stood by and done nothing. I don't understand how you can feel that you're in a happy marriage when your husband is not there for you.
Hugs and I hope it works out.
All that said, if it's your SIL who has been telling you everything your BIL and MIL have said, I'd ask before confronting. I had an SIL who lied to cause tension.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have BTDT.
Many here know that there have been issues with how my inlaws have treated me/us. And that my husband's inability to put me, as his wife, first, and his inability to create boundaries and stand up for what is right, was almost a fatal flaw in our marriage.

When it came to the point that FIL was instigating direct confrontation... That was when I told my husband... No more... Never again.... I can no longer subject myself (and our little son) to that kind of abuse. I had to put my foot down. BTDT... Know just how to handle it. (see bolded below) About our marriage, I did have to let him know that if he ever again put his parents feelings first, over any respect for my well being... That, yes, our marriage might be at stake. I know just how you feel. That proposition is, indeed, terrifying!

OP, everyone here is right.
You do not have an inlaw problem, you have a marriage problem.

I do not know the details...
It seems that if most of what they say/do is behind your back, then that in itself seems to deny the opportunity for confrontation. People can feel the way that they want, and say what they want... behind my back. It is whether or not they can be civil and how they treat me in person that matters.

I am wondering if they are making things stressful and being toxic and you feel like they are attacking you, right there, when you are visiting.

I also wonder about how SIL's very wise decision not to place herself in the middle of something that was not her business has been considered a 'slight' to you. She did not throw you under the bus.

Also, if there is a real distance between where you live, and visits are less than every other month. But, somehow that is still a problem.... I am also wondering about that.

So, based on those to details. I will refrain from making any determination.

I will say, without question, that you do have a very serious problem in your marriage with your husband, if he feels that he can demand that you appease his mother, and is always putting her first.

If you feel that you simply can not handle traveling for a visit with his family, then by all means, right now, without any question, argument, discussion, etc...
Tell your husband that you "are happy that he can go visit his family, but given the circumstances, you simply will NOT be going."

No further discussion... State the bolded above.
Repeat verbatim... Lather, rinse, repeat.... repeat again as necessary.

 

[2disneyboys]

I would not go on the trip. Life is too short to deal with that crap.

But since you seem to be going, tell DH ahead of time that if he does not stand up for you, it may very well affect your feelings for him permanently. Let him know that him not standing up for you has left you at the mercy of his family and you will not tolerate it any longer. Either he sticks up for you as a DH should or you don't go to his family. Wedding vows say your spouse comes first, not his mother and brother. He needs a refresher course.

But I doubt he will change his pattern after all the years, and that is why I would stay home.

My aunt doesn't like her son's wife much. Why? Because her son (my cousin) is always throwing his wife under the bus. Behind her back, of course.

There is a reason why your MIL and BIL think you are abusing or controlling your DH - your DH gives them that impression. The fact that he won't stand up for you is a warning sign.

This -- ITA!! however!!!!!!! I'm also curious as to how you know they are sweet to your face but saying all this stuff behind your back.. whoever is telling you this.. I would QUESTION the IL's before I flew off the handle @ THEM as someone who would gossip and tell you info they know would upset you could be as much of the problem or more. I agree w/ other PP's that assuming your inlaw's are being two-faced, your bigger problem is your DH, not your IL's. Your DH has obviously never given them any indication that he expects them to accept & respect you.

 

[Hrhpd]

Hello all. I just need a place to get some perspective. I’ve been married to DH for 25 years and my MIL and one BIL just will not back off the front porch regarding how I “treat” him. They seem to think I tie him up in the basement or something—that he’s mistreated, maligned, abused—whatever. I don’t know why or how they come to that conclusion being that we’re happily married. It’s time for them to move on but they just won’t. I get the sweet treatment to my face, then they snipe behind my back. My DH refuses to “confront” anyone (especially his family) and it has been a bone of contention since we married. They have said some pretty nasty things to me over the years, yet, out of respect for him, I have kept my mouth shut and have always participated in family gatherings, cooking, doing dishes, being respectful to her. Never rocking the boat. I’m very close to my SIL (married to the BIL) and MIL resents it for some reason. Point of the story is I have given up trying to please them and have restricted going to visit in the last year or so. They live quite a distance and my husband can’t go more than 3 mos. without visiting them. I’ve chosen not to go to save my sanity and perhaps lessen the stress for them (though it just gets them wound up that I’m not there as well). I’m danged if I do, danged if I don’t. I’m tired of it. We are leaving tonight to go there and I had tried to get out of it but my husband insists that I go. He doesn’t want to have to explain why I’m not there. I am pretty upset that I have to go but am going because “it’s the right thing”. I just found out from my SIL that MIL is asking what has she done to “upset” me? She doesn’t understand why I don’t seem to want to visit (apparently seeing the pattern). My SIL just threw me under the bus by saying, “You have to ask her, don’t put me in the middle of it.” Everyone is saying if it comes up, I should just have it out and let her know how much she’s hurt me over the years. I am not afraid to say something but 1.) I don’t feel it will do any good as she seems to not have a clue she has done anything to upset me, and 2.) my bigger issue is my husband. His mother asks, and he won’t say anything in my defense, hanging me out to dry (AGAIN). It will kill me psychologically if that’s what happens. He knows he should stand up to her for me but he never has and this will just be the final feather for me. If he says nothing, my feelings for him may never be the same. I’m terrified of the outcome. My question is: should I tell him this may hit the fan or do I just see how it plays and give him no heads up (maybe the element of surprise would induce him to speak up for once)? I would never make a scene there (as that would not solve anything) but I am not afraid of saying what I have bottled up for so long. I’m just not looking forward to what may come. Thanks for listening.

I am going against the crowd and saying that this is not only DH's problem. Yes, he should stand up for you. But there may be some long standing history that makes it difficult. It would not be my breaking point.

But that is because I certainly would not be waiting through 25 years of abuse for DH to stand up for me. I am my own person, so can handle my own battles. Don't need DH to fight them for me. I don't care whose family it is.

I would have set dear MIL straight a hell of a long time ago. If that would make DH uncomfortable, well that is the price to pay for remaining silent.

Be a strong woman and stand up for yourself. Don't wait around for others like your SIL or DH to do it for you. You have nothing to lose.

 

[mamajo]

Thank you, lovavacation. Your answer inspired me. I'm past caring what his family thinks. I raised a great kid, I'm mostly happy in my marriage (except for this inlaw drama). I'm not sure why I'm going when I said I wouldn't. I can't say. Maybe I want a confrontation so it can be over one way or the other. You know the woman syndrome where we do for everyone else but ourselves? I have that affliction in spades. I told him I deserved better and I'm not a horrible person that they should still be so bent on saying things about me. Yes, my SIL hears alot of it and reports back to me. But my daughter gets it also. MIL tells her what a "*****" I am, how she is just like me, how we don't love husband/father and don't appreciate him. We're just evil. I don't know what she's basing this on. They live 200 miles away and are not into our daily business. I'm the one that makes sure she gets a bouquet on her birthday and Mother's Day. He never remembers. I'm the one that told him to call his mother when she had emergency surgury a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one that told him to call his brother to check on him after the funeral of a dear lost loved one. If I'm so evil, why do I do these things??
I'm an idiot, that's why. I'm 53 and I'm so tired of the drama. I understand that my SIL wants to avoid the drama, but on the other hand, she (and I love her to death) likes the drama and has to be in the middle of all of it hence, my thinking she threw me under the bus by saying "Ask her". She should have just said nothing. She had to inform my MIL that we were going to spend the day together. Something I hadn't planned on announcing. But understand that to me loving someone means taking them good and bad. I take my vows very seriously for better or worse but I had finally stood up for myself and said I was not going down there anymore and he was caught off guard. I should have stuck to my guns, I guess, but I caved because he said he needed me there. He didn't want to be in the position of explaining why I didn't come with him. I don't know why. He goes off with his brothers and leaves me with his mom. They need to get over it and I need to find my courage to stand up for myself. Being a nice person doesn't always mean being a pushover (though that's my history). I haven't done anything to them and I have done everything for him. I told him I deserved better than what I was getting from him and from them. Thanks everyone for weighing in and I'll let you know how it pans out!!

 

[mamajo]

BTW, just to be clear, I would never "confront" and list all the times they said anything. I would just like to say to her/them, "My marriage is none of your business and we've been married for 25 years, it's time to get over it, folks."
I would like to ask just what I've done that's been so horrible that they can't seem to get over it. That's my only question. Find another hobby, people.

 

[mommasita]

BTW, just to be clear, I would never "confront" and list all the times they said anything. I would just like to say to her/them, "My marriage is none of your business and we've been married for 25 years, it's time to get over it, folks."
I would like to ask just what I've done that's been so horrible that they can't seem to get over it. That's my only question. Find another hobby, people.

I've asked, and never received a reply. I have received an apology, and it went on again and again.

Now, I don't even think twice. I felt ill EVERY week when we ate, every holiday, etc. My children go weekly, and I drive them. I respect their weekly dinners, however, I respect myself more.

 

[LisaR]

Your SIL did not throw you under the bus. She rightly refused to be the middle man.

Your bigger beef than your MIL is your DH. He chooses them over you and will not defend you to them. Your marriage is in deep trouble. I suggest counseling. If your Dh doesn't learn how to stand up for you and himself to his family, I see no hope for you two.

I agree with this. I have a MIL who is a handful. She is in assisted living now in another state and medicated so she is easier to tolerate, but back in the day.....

Thankfully, my DH always defended me and was never afraid to say anything to her. She simply doesn't like any of her kid's spouses and it shows.

Honestly, I would be much more furious with my DH, if he ignored the obvious, than with my MIL. My MIL is who she is. She won't change. She doesn't need to like me or love me. But if the man who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me can't defend me, I'd have a serious problem with him.

 

[krcit]

Well I can tell you the first time my MIL bashed ne to my dd would be the last time. Your SIL shouldn't really repeat what MIL says to her in my opinion because it's just to create drama but if she's bashing you to your children? Nope. I would've told my MIL in no uncertain terms to mind her own damn business and then I'd make sure my dh knew why I was done with her. Good luck.

 

[minkydog]

My dear, it's not your SIL who is throwing you under the bus, it's your husband. Any man who isn't willing to stand up to his mother or other family and take your side is not much of a man, IMO. And there is no reason for you to put yourself in the position where you KNOW you're going to be put down and mistreated. If you go with him, it's because you WANT to go, for whatever reason. Don't put this on anyone's shoulders but your own. They can't mistreat you without your permission.

 

[Laura66]

I don't think anything is really going to change. I know I would not have allowed something like that to have happened more than once.
I think you should call her ahead of time and address the problem. She sounds like a royal witch - but this has been going on for so long - maybe your husband and sil have been talking behind your back as well - adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. I don't mean to bad talk your husband - but if he won't stick up for you and support you to your face I gotta wonder what he cries about/tells his mother and sister! 25 years - that's a lot of resentment, assumptions and hurt feelings all around.
You might be able to clear the air, be surprised that she may be hearing the exact same kind of stories about you, stick up for yourself, etc, Maybe nothing will be resolved at all or maybe you could at least agree to a "truce" of some sort to keep peace for the visit.

 

[bellarella]

Thank you, lovavacation. Your answer inspired me. I'm past caring what his family thinks. I raised a great kid, I'm mostly happy in my marriage (except for this inlaw drama). I'm not sure why I'm going when I said I wouldn't. I can't say. Maybe I want a confrontation so it can be over one way or the other. You know the woman syndrome where we do for everyone else but ourselves? I have that affliction in spades. I told him I deserved better and I'm not a horrible person that they should still be so bent on saying things about me. Yes, my SIL hears alot of it and reports back to me. But my daughter gets it also. MIL tells her what a "*****" I am, how she is just like me, how we don't love husband/father and don't appreciate him. We're just evil. I don't know what she's basing this on. They live 200 miles away and are not into our daily business. I'm the one that makes sure she gets a bouquet on her birthday and Mother's Day. He never remembers. I'm the one that told him to call his mother when she had emergency surgury a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one that told him to call his brother to check on him after the funeral of a dear lost loved one. If I'm so evil, why do I do these things??
I'm an idiot, that's why. I'm 53 and I'm so tired of the drama. I understand that my SIL wants to avoid the drama, but on the other hand, she (and I love her to death) likes the drama and has to be in the middle of all of it hence, my thinking she threw me under the bus by saying "Ask her". She should have just said nothing. She had to inform my MIL that we were going to spend the day together. Something I hadn't planned on announcing. But understand that to me loving someone means taking them good and bad. I take my vows very seriously for better or worse but I had finally stood up for myself and said I was not going down there anymore and he was caught off guard. I should have stuck to my guns, I guess, but I caved because he said he needed me there. He didn't want to be in the position of explaining why I didn't come with him. I don't know why. He goes off with his brothers and leaves me with his mom. They need to get over it and I need to find my courage to stand up for myself. Being a nice person doesn't always mean being a pushover (though that's my history). I haven't done anything to them and I have done everything for him. I told him I deserved better than what I was getting from him and from them. Thanks everyone for weighing in and I'll let you know how it pans out!!

So tell your DH right now that he has a choice: he either stands up to his family this trip or you stay at home. Give him the choice and stck to it. If you don't it's not a DH or a MIL problem that you have, but a spine problem. The solution is far easier than you are making it seem. You can't change your MIL or your DH, but you can and need to change yourself Stop shielding them from the consequences of their actions or stop feeling hurt by them.

 

[tarheel618]

here is my advice....

1. If SIL brings it up, I'd tell her to keep it to herself, that after 25 years you just don't care what they think (you may love her but if she likes drama, she maybe stirring the pot without realizing it)

2. Not liking you is one thing, but what she said to your dd is over the line and next time, if DH doesn't call her out on it, then I would, she is calling your DD a swear word and sorry cuss me all you want but mess with my kids and you will get called on the carpet for it.

3. Since you are visiting, tell husband that he is NOT to leave you alone with mother, if he and brother go somewhere, you are going to. He wanted you to come along and come along you are.

4. If you haven't invested in a kindle fire or some books and while you are there Read or play games be nice but not available. His family, he can do the dishes etc.

5. Go back to number 1. What is said behind your back won't hurt you unless it is brought to your attention. Tell SIL to keep it to herself.

 

[tigercat]

I have been married for 38 yrs. He never stood up to his parents for me and it has caused problems. They have said some nasty things to me but always when he is not in the room. He then says that I probably just misunderstood what they said. The divorced a couple of years after we were married and married other people so we saw them at different times. My fil told me right after my baby son died that I must of done something to kill the first born son to carry on the name.????? She made it clear that I was never good enough for her son. I finally decided that I was not going to see his df but he could go. I just didn't want to put up with the stuff that was being said and done to me. He is gone now so one less to worry about. His dm moved across the country for many years so it was great. She has moved back and the first time the 2 of us went to see her she said that she was disappointed that she wasn't having time with just her son. I haven't been back since then and it has been over 3 yrs. When she phones I either don't answer or answer and right away give it to my dh.
It does hurt that I know that my dh will never stick up for me to anyone. We have been to counselling and it has never done any good.
tigercat

 

[DVCJones]

I believe there are TWO sides to these kinds of stories. And we have only heard your side. It has been my experience that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I would suggest you take a good honest look at yourself to see what your real roll in this is. Why would your MIL and BIL feel the way they do? IF indeed they really do. Could you be misunderstanding them? Why does your DH not stand up to them? Could he secretly not see what you are seeing and is afraid to upset you?

I'm not saying thus is you, but I have a SIL who is always playing the poor victim of her inlaws. I honestly believe she believes what she says is accurate. However, the whole family does not see her claims. (Similar to yours) We try to make her feel welcome at all family events, but somehow we offend her.... Everyone offends her.

Just consider your inlaws may not be the only problem.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Well I can tell you the first time my MIL bashed ne to my dd would be the last time. Your SIL shouldn't really repeat what MIL says to her in my opinion because it's just to create drama but if she's bashing you to your children? Nope. I would've told my MIL in no uncertain terms to mind her own damn business and then I'd make sure my dh knew why I was done with her. Good luck.

I totally agree with this. The minute you bring my child into it, game on. And if DH didn't like it, too damn bad!!!

 

[turkeymama]

I believe there are TWO sides to these kinds of stories. And we have only heard your side. It has been my experience that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I would suggest you take a good honest look at yourself to see what your real roll in this is. Why would your MIL and BIL feel the way they do? IF indeed they really do. Could you be misunderstanding them? Why does your DH not stand up to them? Could he secretly not see what you are seeing and is afraid to upset you?

I'm not saying thus is you, but I have a SIL who is always playing the poor victim of her inlaws. I honestly believe she believes what she says is accurate. However, the whole family does not see her claims. (Similar to yours) We try to make her feel welcome at all family events, but somehow we offend her.... Everyone offends her.

Just consider your inlaws may not be the only problem.

While I agree there are multiple sides to stories, in this case, OP's DD has also been targeted by the MIL according to OP. IMO, if that is true, I don't think OP is misunderstanding the situation.

 

[DVCJones]

While I agree there are multiple sides to stories, in this case, OP's DD has also been targeted by the MIL according to OP. IMO, if that is true, I don't think OP is misunderstanding the situation.

I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side. The example with her DD if true is unacceptable. However, I have seen similar examples be twisted. Like how do we know that this example was not an extension of something already started by the OP?

For example my SIL has yelled at my DB in front of the entire family at a family cookout. Swearing like a sailor. She basically embarrassed him. After witnessing something like that, I might say 'that was a (b) thing to do'. If the teenage DD was within earshot, it would have been turned around to, I called her a B in front of her DD.

All I'm saying is that there is no way any of us know the true story. We just know what the OP has said. I have a real hard time believing someone's DH would not speak up if there really was a clear one sided injustice to the OP. There had to be more to the story.

My SIL is also one who will be the one who sends cards or to send sympathies when there is a death in the family. Because it looks good... from afar. No real commitment to put herself out there for my DB.

 

[turkeymama]

I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side. The example with her DD if true is unacceptable. However, I have seen similar examples be twisted. Like how do we know that this example was not an extension of something already started by the OP?

For example my SIL has yelled at my DB in front of the entire family at a family cookout. Swearing like a sailor. She basically embarrassed him. After witnessing something like that, I might say 'that was a (b) thing to do'. If the teenage DD was within earshot, it would have been turned around to, I called her a B in front of her DD.

All I'm saying is that there is no way any of us know the true story. We just know what the OP has said. I have a real hard time believing someone's DH would not speak up if there really was a clear one sided injustice to the OP. There had to be more to the story.

My SIL is also one who will be the one who sends cards or to send sympathies when there is a death in the family. Because it looks good... from afar. No real commitment to put herself out there for my DB.

I agree. Sheldon Cooper comes to mind as we talk about this. "If 'ifs and buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas."

When DH and I got married, DMIL was not quite ready to let go of DH. She was fine to take me in as well, but I didn't feel the same. I really just wanted some space. After months of what I considered intrusiveness (some things I could have let slide but other things were very inappropriate), I had enough. DH spoke up, but essentially put the blame on me. Fine, whatever. I have since learned, over the years, she tells people I don't like her and that I feel superior to them. Geez, I just wanted time to be a newly wed. This is how things happened for me, but I'm well aware of where it all began.

 

[LisaR]

I would also agree if that was true. I just don't think any of us could give real advice on this topic because we only know one side.

Isn't that true of almost any topic posted on this board or similar ones?

Many threads start off:

"You won't believe what my (insert any number of people like parents, aunt, spouse, cast member, boss, child, grocery store clerk, neighbor, etc) did." The person goes on to tell THEIR side of the story. We don't track down Aunt Sally to get her version of the story.

We have two options. Move on because we feel we don't have enough info to comment on, or give an opinion based on the information we do have. If you take the first approach, I can't for the life of me figure out why you would frequent a message board since the vast majority of posts are one sided.

But, honestly, it seems silly to me to point out that we don't know the whole story. Of course we don't. We never will unless the husband, MIL, FIL, daughter, and the SIL all come on and post. And even then, do you really think all of them will tell the truth or will they all be their own version of the truth?

We must have very different expectations of message boards.