Mil issue/ help/Update page 7

[hereyago]

I just want to address the DJ wants OP to ride it out until nil passes people like that live long time my mom is 79 still herself. It is the people who enable who go before them because of all the pressure to not rock the boat.

 

[Rylee]

It is the people who enable who go before them because of all the pressure to not rock the boat.

So true!

 

[castmemberb4]

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and that your dh doesn't stick up for you as he should.

I agree strongly with pps that you need to get into counseling by yourself to work through these issues. then later on you and dh need to go through couple's counseling to see if your marriage can be improved/saved.

I would tell my dh calmly and without emotion that "I am no longer going to have anything to do with your mother. I will not visit, I will not talk to her on the phone, I will not send cards/letters/gifts. Don't even ask, because I will not be doing it. I am going to surround myself with people who love and care for me, who make me happy, who lift me up." Then be quiet and do not say anymore, no matter what he says or does. Keep repeating the above a few more times. After that, look him right in the eye and say "I have told you what I am going to do, this discussion is over."

You need to take control of your life and do what is best for you.

Good luck. Stay strong!

I would add one more statement to what's above - "Since you're not going to protect me, I have to protect myself."

ITA I've been here with my DH FIL and BIL. Now there's a crazy SIL !
You absolutely have to stand up for yourself and don't put yourself in the position to have to deal with them. If your DH isn't going to stand up for you then he can make up whatever excuses he has to for you not being there, don't let him off easy. After my FIL was nasty to me in front of his whole family I stopped going to see them DH had to go alone if he felt inclined to visit. I have no idea what he told them about my absense and I don't care. I stopped buying any cards or gifts for them and if they don't get anything I don't care. We were just discussing when DH would go visit his Dad in Jan "for Christmas" and he didn't even expect me to go. Stand up for yourself with your DH and keep yourself away from negative people.

I'm doing okay, surprisingly. I guess it was the straw that broke for me. I've got no more to feel. I have asked my husband some hard questions these last few days, and as expected, didn't get any real answers but it's okay. I saw that he had tried;he realized she was having some mental issues; and it hurt him too. That doesn't make it okay but he's just not capable of going head to head with her. I am. It wasn't relief exactly, but now I feel like we're on a more level field and I'm not going to let this build up again. If she makes a comment, I'll just call her on it right then. I won't go out of my way to look for trouble. He wants me to just ride it out and "let it fade" (as he put it) till the day she dies. I'll limit my visits, do what I've always done, smile, help around the house, and let it go. My daughter (for those of you who have asked) is 18 and has better things to do with her time too. She's going to be busy living her life and hopefully, that will limit her time too. MIL will be the single rider on this crazy train. I sure do appreciate the support, opinions and advice. I felt so alone and just hearing other voices out there, helped me enormously. So-- onward and upward, right? I'm too old to be playing these games with her anymore. Obviously, she has her opinion of me and I'm not going to change it so I'm not wasting the energy to try. I have found myself feeling rather empowered of late. My husband says, "Just do what makes you happy." and he's so fond of telling the "truth". So-- so will I. Not just to be a jerk, mind you, but I'm not going to just quietly swallow everything that is thrown my way, either. There is no mystical "champion" out there for me except for me. Thanks, all! Now, I wish I could go to Disney and really let it all go. I'm imagining myself on Main Street in October and loving the experience I had! Great memories to tide me over till next time.

Your DH is not capable of standing up to his Mother,just as my DH couldn't stand up to his Dad, but you don't have to put up with her. Protect yourself and let him do what he has to, you'll be much happier. I really want to say "Do not go visit her" But I guess you have to make that decision for yourself. It has worked very well for me. I think it's less stressful for all of us If I just don't go there.
Good Luck and I'm glad you have the SiL that you love and get along with. I thank God every day for my wonderful MiL who divorced the a** almost 40 years ago and who loves me

 

[Disney Doll]

After all that carrying on I'd never go visit there again. The next time I saw MIL would be when she was in her casket, if I decided I wanted to go to her funeral to support my husband, if he was still my husband.

As far as his feelings about what he would tell them about my absence...wouldn't concern myself with his feelings since he doesn't concern himself with mine.

They could ALL ride the crazy train together....I wouldn't be getting on it at all, in any way, for anyone.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

OP, I am sad to say that you still have a problem. Your husband.

I just could never respect a partner that did not choose me over a person who treated me like garbage.

I could not spend the rest of my life with someone who virtually FORCED me to go to his mother's house. His mother's house where he knew I would be treated like dirt.

And when she attacked you, he didn't jump to your defense He didn't say "Pack your stuff. Mom, I am DONE with you treating MY WIFE like this."

Instead he coward and allowed her to verbally assault you. And his solution? Let's wait this out until she dies, then we will be ok. So pathetic.

I am sure you look at him with disappointment and disgust. What a weak man.

My heart breaks for you. You seem too good for this life.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

I would go. I would have a smile on my face. I would treat my husband and daughter like gold, 25 years of marriage, something is working.

I would NEVER go to a person's home where my MIL "tells my child what a "*****" I am, how she is just like me, how we don't love husband/father and don't appreciate him. We're just evil."

25 years and guess what is working? The OP is a doormat. Call me evil? Tell my child that SHE is evil?

And the husband just shrugs and stays quiet? Forces his wife to go and be subjected to this?

WHAT kind of man allows his mother to call his wife AND daughter evil?

So, tell me: WHAT is working after 25 years of marriage? A life partner like that would sicken me.

Sorry if I offend. This is just my opinion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If she makes a comment, I'll just call her on it right then. I won't go out of my way to look for trouble. He wants me to just ride it out and "let it fade" (as he put it) till the day she dies.

OP: I had given this a little time before responding. Because I certainly know how hard this is, and how confusing, and how helpless one can feel.

But, I have to say that 'calling her on it, right then'... is confrontation.
Calling her out will not be the answer.
That is not the way.

You acknowledge that you know that she has her opinions, and her mental/psychological issues. You are beginning to see that this will never, ever, change... And, to be quite honest... Posting as somebody who has BTDT... The obvious outcome here is that more often than not, she will be who she is... Confrontation could follow.. not a good outcome. It will not end well.

I can tell you that the previous two posters are RIGHT.

I would never, ever, ever, again, engage with this woman.
If she has, indeed, spoken to/about you, and your innocent daughter the way that she has... I could not, ever, in good conscience allow that opportunity to present itself in the future. Never. No question.

You are continuing to allow your husband and your MIL to denigrate, malign, disrespect, and be abusive to you and your child.

You are continuing to be a doormat, to appease your husband and his MIL.

I can only say again what I had posted earlier.
I hope that you can find it within yourself to get up, empower yourself, look in the mirror, and say "I will never, ever, again, willingly allow and enable ANYBODY to mis-treat me like that.

I am sending hugs, and my thoughts and prayers!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm doing okay, surprisingly. I guess it was the straw that broke for me. I've got no more to feel. I have asked my husband some hard questions these last few days, and as expected, didn't get any real answers but it's okay. I saw that he had tried;he realized she was having some mental issues; and it hurt him too. That doesn't make it okay but he's just not capable of going head to head with her. I am. It wasn't relief exactly, but now I feel like we're on a more level field and I'm not going to let this build up again. If she makes a comment, I'll just call her on it right then. I won't go out of my way to look for trouble. He wants me to just ride it out and "let it fade" (as he put it) till the day she dies. I'll limit my visits, do what I've always done, smile, help around the house, and let it go. My daughter (for those of you who have asked) is 18 and has better things to do with her time too. She's going to be busy living her life and hopefully, that will limit her time too. MIL will be the single rider on this crazy train. I sure do appreciate the support, opinions and advice. I felt so alone and just hearing other voices out there, helped me enormously. So-- onward and upward, right? I'm too old to be playing these games with her anymore. Obviously, she has her opinion of me and I'm not going to change it so I'm not wasting the energy to try. I have found myself feeling rather empowered of late. My husband says, "Just do what makes you happy." and he's so fond of telling the "truth". So-- so will I. Not just to be a jerk, mind you, but I'm not going to just quietly swallow everything that is thrown my way, either. There is no mystical "champion" out there for me except for me. Thanks, all! Now, I wish I could go to Disney and really let it all go. I'm imagining myself on Main Street in October and loving the experience I had! Great memories to tide me over till next time.

I'll say, "Proceed with caution." (What I really want to say is, "Danger, Will Robinson!".)

I could be wrong, but I think you are still in the processing stage. You got a lot of information in a short amount of time; reaction from your MIL, your reaction, your DH's reaction (Curious, was he trying to answer your questions or trying to deal with his mother? If it was his mother, what did he do?).

I think you are numb. You state you have got no more to feel, but really you are just numb over the whole thing. Numb for now. Under the surface is a range of emotions you sound like you are rationalizing and planning away.

In your numb state, it doesn't look like you are seeing clearly. Your MIL will not be, "the single rider on the crazy train", if you continue to visit. Nothing has changed. You are all still on board.

You state your DH isn't capable of going head to head with his mother, but you are. Your last head to head with her did not go well. She manipulated, denied, lied. You shut down, apologized, and cried. It sounds like you are up against a master and another confrontation will go the same route.

You are expecting something that isn't there. You are expect a confrontation with someone that considers you family. You expect your MIL to care and respect you. You haven't gotten it in 25 years. It isn't going to change with another confrontation. You would be wasting your energy to try. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to know what you are dealing with. Don't keep beating your head on that wall.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some more time before you make any plans that include your MIL. Your husband has shared his wish for you to keep taking it. Don't you have a wish for peace? Can't you have your wish and he can still enjoy the company of his mother? It is reasonable to want peace. It is reasonable to not give in to mistreatment. Your life matters while his mother is "still alive".

OP: I had given this a little time before responding. Because I certainly know how hard this is, and how confusing, and how helpless one can feel.

But, I have to say that 'calling her on it, right then'... is confrontation.
Calling her out will not be the answer.
That is not the way.

You acknowledge that you know that she has her opinions, and her mental/psychological issues. You are beginning to see that this will never, ever, change... And, to be quite honest... Posting as somebody who has BTDT... The obvious outcome here is that more often than not, she will be who she is... Confrontation could follow.. not a good outcome. It will not end well.

I can tell you that the previous two posters are RIGHT.

I would never, ever, ever, again, engage with this woman.
If she has, indeed, spoken to/about you, and your innocent daughter the way that she has... I could not, ever, in good conscience allow that opportunity to present itself in the future. Never. No question.

You are continuing to allow your husband and your MIL to denigrate, malign, disrespect, and be abusive to you and your child.

You are continuing to be a doormat, to appease your husband and his MIL.

I can only say again what I had posted earlier.
I hope that you can find it within yourself to get up, empower yourself, look in the mirror, and say "I will never, ever, again, willingly allow and enable ANYBODY to mis-treat me like that.

I am sending hugs, and my thoughts and prayers!

Sage advice.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

The more I think about this, the more I cringe. So much in this thread is beyond unhealthy. What a terrible way to live.

The following from the OP sticks out the most:

I asked permission to go upstairs to get dressed. Yes, she says all happy…

You are 53 years old and you had to ask your abusive MIL permission to go get dressed? And then your DH herds you back into the room asking YOU why you are upset? He drags you 200 miles every three months to be subjected to this and then leaves you there with his mother while he goes off with his brother? Then proceeds to drive home 200 miles/four hours with you crying and doesn’t say one word to you?

Your husband is not a good man. He is not a good person. He really is not. In fact, he is quite abusive.

It went worse from there. She wanted examples of how she had ever treated me badly. I gave them: yelling at me on the phone when he got a part time job at Pizza Hut to pay off his student loans. How could I make him do that? Couldn't I live within my means?? How could I humiliate him so?? (Never mind I had no idea he had gotten the job until he got it, I had nothing to do with it).

Your husband applied and then accepted a job and never discussed this with you?

OP, you will be in my heartfelt thoughts. You have a rough road. You seem like such a good person. You don't deserve this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, Social Worker Sue is correct.

OP, while I know you are numb, and you have been unable to see, understand, and process this... Where you are at is just not a normal, healthy, positive, or even acceptable, situation.

Please, please, please.
Try to listen to those of here who have BTDT and/or truly understand.

You can rise above this.
You not only deserve better...
But, any human being NEEDS better.

Once you have had some time to process this a little more, I do hope that perhaps you can find some outlet and maybe some good advice and assistance from someone, or some organization, who can help women in compromising (even if not quite physically abusive) situations to rise above and to empower themselves.

Trying to say, I can handle this, I can 'call her out', I can 'confront' this... Is not going to be the answer that you are hoping for.

You really need to learn when to be able to walk away.