7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[Northstar]

About importing the baby stuff (that's how Canada will view it):

OP, you'll have to fill out a Form B4 at the customs and immigration check entering Canada... that's for Canadians moving back to Canada, to get their stuff in duty free.

List the baby furniture and large items as "goods to follow" on your B4.

If you never bring them into Canada, no problem.

But if you work things out with your soon-to-be-ex so that you end up having them shipped, you will have them listed on your B4, so you can show that and avoid having to pay duty and/or sales tax.

And I want to second what abdmom said about the car seat... if it doesn't have a CMVSS sticker on it, you'll never get it through customs. They watch like hawks for imported car seats.

Good luck!

 

[angelbear425]

And a child should have as much contact with both parents as is in their best interests. Maybe that's taking a child to a movie once a week. I disagree with cutting off all contact - ultimately you will pay the price for that. This is a deeply flawed person who is not mature enough for daily parenting, no doubt, but bad husbands can still parent in some way.

I haven't posted anything in this thread, but have followed it since the beginning. Now I feel the need to, though. It has nothing to do with him being a bad husband (I mean he totally is for all he has done). She needs to keep that poor baby away from her husband. Have you not read the entire thread and all the OP has posted? He has said he doesn't want the baby and that she got pregnant on purpose. Then he is running around having an affair with an unstable teenager, who is threatening her. Why should she put the baby in harms way? He doesn't want the child. He doesn't want to be a father. I'd rather have no parent than someone like that.

 

[CarolAnnC]

This is the third time I've tried to update today, DH keeps coming in and interrupting.

The flights are all booked. My parents found an OBGYN for me in their area who was recommended by a friend, and I have an appointment to meet with her the day after I get in to check up on the baby after the flight.

I've had a crappy few days to be honest, and I'm emotionally exhausted. DH goes between treating me like crap and being really sweet and affectionate. I have no idea what he wants at this point, I'm not sure he does either - he's mentioned a few times that he doesn't want me to go anywhere, and once said that if he came home to an empty house, he would take an overdose because he'd rather be dead than be without me. But at the same time, he's texting this girl constantly, telling her he loves her, etc. He mentioned yesterday that he was hurt because there was a guy she was at college with who she was interested in, and he was trying to convince her not to see him because he didn't want to lose her. He also mentioned that he sleeps with his phone under his pillow so that he doesn't miss her texts in the night. The thought of a nearly 30 year old man sleeping with his cell phone so he doesn't miss texts from a teenager is so, so wrong. I took everyone's advice and started writing down stuff that made me really mad, or was especially hurtful, so I could read it if I needed strength. Some of it is just plain creepy to be honest.

I do have a practical question I wanted to get opinions on - what should I do with all the baby stuff I have? I have an entire nursery set up, plus a stroller, car seat, high chair, pack'n'play, etc, as well as a million clothes. Some was from my family, some from his, some from friends - what do I take and what do I leave? My parents have offered to get everything I need for the baby, and I have some money set aside to pay for things, but it seems a shame to leave everything here and buy it all again. Should I just take the stuff my family got for us, or should I leave it all behind?

I've written down a lot of the legal questions that have come up in this thread and I do have answers to some of them, I'm just not totally comfortable saying what my lawyer has said online - he warned me about posting too much stuff about custody, etc, and I don't want to say something that could be used against me later. I hope that's OK.

I'm planning on calling my in-laws once I'm back in Canada - I'm going to give DH a chance to talk to them first, but I'll be totally honest with them. I do want them to have a relationship with the baby, regardless of what DH does, so I hope things can remain friendly.

This man has no clue and apparently would find two wives to be his solution if he could. You are lucky to get out now and not later for sure.

As far as the baby items, I would leave everything as is until you are ready to go out the door and perhaps take the stroller to gate check and whatever packable items you really want. Things can be replaced.

Women are most vulnerable at this time in their lives and his threat of suicide is only one indication that he may "go over the edge" so to speak. Please be careful and safe travels to you...hopefully you are on your way very soon.

 

[dguller]

i second some of the pp. i am a fellow canadian and by all means come back home and take advantage of our great health care and have your baby here. your husband sounds like a d___ and you wouldn't want your son to be raised by someone that feels like he was a mistake. for the sounds of it he wont let that go and a kid should be loved always..
get your finances ready move back home with your parents until you get back in your feet on your own. best of luck.. we are also in a small town in canada and i wouldn't trade this place in the world. its great to raise children.. ;-)

 

[mrsklamc]

Can any of the baby's things simply be returned to the store and repurchased when you arrive?

 

[lizabu]

Can any of the baby's things simply be returned to the store and repurchased when you arrive?

Ooooh....that is a brilliant idea.

 

[westjones]

Do you have a good friend there that knows what is going on that you might be able to leave things with the day you leave and have her ship them to you later?

 

[pampam]

Can any of the baby's things simply be returned to the store and repurchased when you arrive?

Don't forget hubby is still living there. What do you think he will say when he walks past the baby's room and notices the furniture is missing?

She doesn't want to tip him off in any way. Things have to remain looking as normal as possible until she actually walks out for good.

I also second what gottalovePluto said. The situation is unstable and could go volitile at any moment. If she left immediately it would be safer.

 

[mrsklamc]

Don't forget hubby is still living there. What do you think he will say when he walks past the baby's room and notices the furniture is missing?

She doesn't want to tip him off in any way. Things have to remain looking as normal as possible until she actually walks out for

r.

Yes, but if the gifts are returnable they could be loaded into a friends car for returning or returned en route to the airport.

 

[abdmom]

Yes, but if the gifts are returnable they could be loaded into a friends car for returning or returned en route to the airport.

Taking the baby things for the baby's use is one thing, taking things out of the marital home and converting to cash is another. You may get in trouble with disposing of marital property. OP, if you can't take it with you, I'd just leave it. The cash is not worth it.

 

[mrsklamc]

If she can document that she repurchased similar items once arriving in Canada I don't see how it would be a problem.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

No additional advice to add, just hoping things go well for you and sending good thoughts your way

 

[a1tinkfans]

Thinking of you OP and wishing you Best of Luck and Safety too....Get near those that truly love you and your precious baby and have you both as the Priorities you Both Are!!!

 

[Tooblessed]

OP, since he talked about coming home to an empty house, do you think he knows what you are posting here with regards to leaving. If you two share a laptop and you didn't delete the history or cookies, he may have found this thread in the history and may know what you are planning.
It seems weird if he would just say that out of the blue.
Everytime you are on your laptop, delete your history and cookies before logging out and like another poster said, take the laptop with you.

Also, don't forget to cancel any direct deposits you get from work into a joint account.
best of luck

 

[ksjayhawks]

I agree with a pp to have mom put her carryon size suitcase in a larger one and bring another larger one with her. Use those two large ones for baby clothes, blankets, etc and add your clothes as well if room. Use your two large ones for your clothes--maternity and items that make sense for where you will be liviing in Canada. I wouldn't take too many toiletries as they are heavy. Dont worry about packing neatly; just get the stuff in the suitcases!!

In your carryon put personal items that are important to you. Take photos out of frames to lessen weight.

If you can get some of your clothes out of the house--I would use garbage bags--and to ups to ship ahead of time without dh knowing you could do that

I would leave the baby items. Even the stroller and pack and play unless you think you'd have time to stop at ups to mail them on the way to the airport. Remember you need to move quickly once you start.

I would not involve another person in this, no mattter how trustworthy you think this person is. Baby gear is not worth dh finding out. And all it would take is the slip of a tongue or yet another person going by your house and seeing what is going on for dh to find out.

I also agree to be very very careful about what you say to inlaws. I would not do/say anything without lawyer approval. The inlaws will most likely back their son or even if they don't, use him to get at the baby.

Sending good thoughts your way that you are able to make a safe exit.

 

[zurgswife]

Agree with others be as stealth as possible. If there is anyway to return and get credits that you could use later that might be easier then trying to ship.

I wish you luck and good thoughts.

 

[Northstar]

The trouble with returning things for credits is that those credits will normally not be usable for the equivalent store in Canada.

And if the OP later orders things from the US stores to be sent to her home in Canada, she will end up paying the high prices an earlier poster mentioned, for shipping, duty, and taxes.

The best solution is to bring as much as she can with her, because it comes in duty-free with a returning Canadian, and to list all the other baby stuff she would like to bring in on her customs form.

Then, if she gets a chance to bring those things in later, either having them shipped or having someone drive them up, she won't have to pay any taxes or duty as long as she has that customs form to show.

If she ends up buying new in Canada and leaving the rest behind, that will be okay too.

 

[cbg1027]

OP, I have been following your thread but didn't get around to posting until now. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. We're here for you!

I am not advocating this idea as an excuse for your DH's behavior, but from all you've told us, it sounds to me like he has a mental illness. Maybe depression, bi-polar disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder...???? As someone who as struggled with mental illness myself, these erractic behaviors, lack of knowing what he wants, and suicide threats all point to mental illness in my book. Not that I think you owe him anything, but perhaps you could suggest to him that he see a therapist/counselor? Perhaps if he realizes there is something wrong and can start getting treatment, it will make the future divorce and custody arrangements easier to hash out if you're not dealing with someone who is sick and not getting any treatment.

Be careful how you phrase things to him though if you decide to say something. You don't want to sound accusatory. It's kind of like telling an alcoholic or drug addict they have a problem and you want them to seek treatment. Say you're concerned about the suicide threats and you wouldn't want him to do anything rash, and that perhaps he should talk to a professional about it because they can help him sort through the feelings better than you can.

Just an idea!

I've had a crappy few days to be honest, and I'm emotionally exhausted. DH goes between treating me like crap and being really sweet and affectionate. I have no idea what he wants at this point, I'm not sure he does either - he's mentioned a few times that he doesn't want me to go anywhere, and once said that if he came home to an empty house, he would take an overdose because he'd rather be dead than be without me. But at the same time, he's texting this girl constantly, telling her he loves her, etc. He mentioned yesterday that he was hurt because there was a guy she was at college with who she was interested in, and he was trying to convince her not to see him because he didn't want to lose her. He also mentioned that he sleeps with his phone under his pillow so that he doesn't miss her texts in the night. The thought of a nearly 30 year old man sleeping with his cell phone so he doesn't miss texts from a teenager is so, so wrong. I took everyone's advice and started writing down stuff that made me really mad, or was especially hurtful, so I could read it if I needed strength. Some of it is just plain creepy to be honest.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

After reading your recent post, I agree with the pp that it sounds like he has a mental illness. I hope your flight is soon. I don't think you should approach him about his problems face to face, you just don't know what he'll do. Not sure if your lawyer would think this is a good idea even in writing or calling. Maybe his parents could help him. It's not something for you to worry about right now. Just get out.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I cant believe the way your husband is reacting. It sounds like he wants the both of you. He says he'll kill himself if you move out? Yet he wants to continue to date this teen? incredible! He is acting like a teen himself, sleeping with his phone. Pathetic. Who in their right mind would stay with a man like that? He's in another world if he thinks he can have both. Mental illness or not, I wouldnt suggest therapy, it might set him off. Take care of yourself first. Maybe once you get to canada you can email him and suggest therapy. But i wouldnt do it face to face.