7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by TRK0011, Sep 27, 2012.

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  1. alex9179

    alex9179 DIS Veteran

    Aug 17, 2010
    This is correct. He is the presumed father with parental rights and responsibilities.

    Grandparents' rights were addressed in the Supreme Court case Troxel v Granville. Grandparents can intervene in a pending custody dispute for access rights, like in the case of a divorce. This doesn't necessarily mean visitation, but some is likely to be awarded if they have had a relationship with the child. What a judge decides in a case like this is anyone's guess but visitation would take place where the child lives. There may be variations in each state, but many adopted the basic thought that a fit parent has the right to choose who, when, how their child interacts with others. The courts don't feel it's their place to override a fit parent's judgement in raising their children and it's presumed they are fit unless proven otherwise in court.

    A judge won't orphan a child just because the parent is a jerk. Someone else MUST step in as the parent if one agrees to relinquish rights. This line of thought is a moot point. It's not going to happen with the present circumstances.
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  3. TRK0011

    TRK0011 Earning My Ears

    Sep 4, 2012
    This is the third time I've tried to update today, DH keeps coming in and interrupting.

    The flights are all booked. My parents found an OBGYN for me in their area who was recommended by a friend, and I have an appointment to meet with her the day after I get in to check up on the baby after the flight.

    I've had a crappy few days to be honest, and I'm emotionally exhausted. DH goes between treating me like crap and being really sweet and affectionate. I have no idea what he wants at this point, I'm not sure he does either - he's mentioned a few times that he doesn't want me to go anywhere, and once said that if he came home to an empty house, he would take an overdose because he'd rather be dead than be without me. But at the same time, he's texting this girl constantly, telling her he loves her, etc. He mentioned yesterday that he was hurt because there was a guy she was at college with who she was interested in, and he was trying to convince her not to see him because he didn't want to lose her. He also mentioned that he sleeps with his phone under his pillow so that he doesn't miss her texts in the night. The thought of a nearly 30 year old man sleeping with his cell phone so he doesn't miss texts from a teenager is so, so wrong. I took everyone's advice and started writing down stuff that made me really mad, or was especially hurtful, so I could read it if I needed strength. Some of it is just plain creepy to be honest.

    I do have a practical question I wanted to get opinions on - what should I do with all the baby stuff I have? I have an entire nursery set up, plus a stroller, car seat, high chair, pack'n'play, etc, as well as a million clothes. Some was from my family, some from his, some from friends - what do I take and what do I leave? My parents have offered to get everything I need for the baby, and I have some money set aside to pay for things, but it seems a shame to leave everything here and buy it all again. Should I just take the stuff my family got for us, or should I leave it all behind?

    I've written down a lot of the legal questions that have come up in this thread and I do have answers to some of them, I'm just not totally comfortable saying what my lawyer has said online - he warned me about posting too much stuff about custody, etc, and I don't want to say something that could be used against me later. I hope that's OK.

    I'm planning on calling my in-laws once I'm back in Canada - I'm going to give DH a chance to talk to them first, but I'll be totally honest with them. I do want them to have a relationship with the baby, regardless of what DH does, so I hope things can remain friendly.
  4. sookie

    sookie DIS Veteran

    Jun 21, 2010
    i think your furniture will be a loss. it will be too big to bother with, and a mess to ship.
    if you have a trusted friend - you could have the stroller, carseat, clothes and other items go to the friend. They could have them stored shortly then shipped to you later. But they will need to come to your home the AM of you leaving and be prepared to take them that day. Your going to their home will be too much, and honestly the items can't leave before you leave. you will have to just basically get them to ship it to you (of course you will pay). it will be cheaper than re-buying it but would be an option. it won't be cheap to ship them but it would be cheaper than re-buying. the friend would have to be responsible for just getting the stuff and going that morning. they would have to be prepared to move quickly. might be a good option though. maybe you could pre-pack some of it - get it nicely together so it could all go in hampers that morning and out the door to your friend, and she could pack it for mailing herself.
    i think i would focus on the small items, bedding and clothes, and if nothing else - maybe the carseat would be ship-able. good luck.
  5. momof1princess

    momof1princess <font color=darkorchid>i feel like i'm going to ex

    Aug 3, 2005
    OP, i'm SO sorry for what you're going through. :hug: when your mom arrives, take everything y'all can pack into your vehicle to the closest UPS store (since your parents offered to buy the baby all new things, maybe they'd agree to pay to ship what you have instead? it would be MUCH cheaper). have them package everything and ship it to your parents' house. those gifts are FOR YOUR BABY, and there's no reason you should have to leave them behind. you're going to need them. stay strong. you're doing the right thing.
  6. alex9179

    alex9179 DIS Veteran

    Aug 17, 2010
    I can't believe that he's telling you those things about this other person. Why would he think that's ok? Good heavens, he's completely self-absorbed.

    If I were you, I would take any baby items that are practical to get to Canada. The gifts were to the baby, for him to use. That hasn't changed.
  7. mnrose

    mnrose Queen of all she surveys

    Jun 18, 2009
    The problem with all that "baby stuff" is that it will add considerably to your packing and amount of luggage. I would consider, if you can do this without your DH getting wind of it (and that's a BIG IF), packing it all up and shipping it UPS or some other carrier. The problem I see with that is being able to do it without him knowing. You REALLY need to get out of there without him knowing in advance...at least this would be the highest priority for me in that situation.

    You probably could take a fair amount of the clothing in your luggage easily enough. And, you could always take the stroller and carseat and gate check them. The furniture is probably going to have to stay. Can it be returned....not necessarily by you?
  8. BernardandMissBianca

    BernardandMissBianca <font color=red>I just love a dancing banana!<br>< Moderator

    Feb 18, 2005
    Slowly in the next few days you need to start moving your personal items into your room, like childhood items, family pictures, etc. Stuff you brought into the marriage. You need one suitcase set aside for that stuff, preferably something you can carry on.
    I would have your mom pack her suitcase into a larger, empty suitcase for on the way down. That way if DH gets wind of your mom coming, he won't notice any extra or new suitcases.
    Have mom switch into the larger suitcase and pack as much stuff for the baby into the smaller suitcase and any extras into the left over room in mom's suitcase.

    I would take the stroller and the car seat and gate check them. Those are the 2 things you are going to need right away. For sleeping I would just get a moses basket for now when you get home, he's not going to need anything bigger right away.

    Anything else that's small and light I would ship via UPS. Don't go crazy on the big stuff, it's just stuff and it can be replaced.

    As for the idiot and his stupid comments. Remember, he showed you who he truly was more than once. All that crap he's telling you is because he's trying to confuse you and keep control of the game.

    Oh and if you are using a common computer to update us, make sure you clear the history after using the computer! I feel sure he is trying to see what you are up to, hence the constant interruptions. And disable the email updates feature on the DIS in your UserCP. It's under "edit options".
  9. wdwmom0f3

    wdwmom0f3 Thankful my embarrassing tag is gone!

    Aug 10, 2008
    I would have a friend meet you the morning that you plan to leave and have her take everything but the furniture with her and have it shipped to you. No way would I leave anything behind that my baby would need. The baby clothes should be easy to pack up so if you could take one suit case of them with you that may be helpful too.

    Good luck to you! I'm praying for you daily.
  10. shelemm

    shelemm DIS Veteran

    Feb 10, 2006
    That's one heck of a story.

    Unfortunately, if there is any violence, it is always the wife and child who are in jeopardy.

    Please rethink your choice of this man as the father of your child. He will twist it and distort it into what he has become. I suggest not putting any emphasis on the in-laws. They will be the vehicle for your future ex to insinuate himself into your life. Your child will thrive without him.
  11. Tuffcookie

    Tuffcookie Enjoys an early hour of peace. Is a smart cookie.

    Jan 8, 2000
    Your goal at this time is to get out of Dodge without arousing suspicion. I would leave the baby items behind in order get to Canada safely. They are "things" and "things" can be replaced once you are settled in at your parent's home.

    And please be careful when you talk to your in-laws. They could be the nicest people in the world but their son is blood. Once the shock is over they will be on his side.

    TC :cool1:
  12. LuLuO

    LuLuO <font color=darkblue>I am against mandatory fun<br

    Mar 8, 2010
    I too would leave the things behind. Too much risk. Getting yourself out quickly and safely is all that matters.

    ETA: I would also not speak with the in-laws. This is a volatile situation. I would not count on him telling them the truth and anything you say to them may be twisted and used against you.
  13. gm

    gm DIS Veteran

    Mar 3, 2000
    i know you feel that you want the inlaws in your baby's life but please be careful as to watch you say to them. As someone mentioned once the shock is over for them, they will side with their son as he is theirs. I also feel that the son will not tell your inlaws the details he tells you about the other girl and he will tell a different story to them of why he does not want to stay in the marriage and they will side with him because he is their son.

    Even if they come to know the whole truth, they will want their son in your baby's life and the son will use them as a vehicle to stay in the baby's life. Looks like he would be a terrible terrible influence on the baby.

    Please be strong, I know emotions can take over and sometimes you will feel like maybe he will change once he has seen the baby and all but it does not.

    If you do want the inlaws in your baby's life than I think it would be in your and your baby's best interest to tell them to come to Canada to see the baby, not the other way around.

    I am trying to understand why your dh wants to stay with you and at the same time telling you how much he loves the other girl and waits for her text like a lovelorn teenager and for you to be in the same house as him listening to this. I hope everything goes smoothly and you have a happy and wonderful life in Canada with people who truly love you.:cheer2:
  14. pampam

    pampam DIS Veteran

    Aug 13, 2003
    I think you have just answered your question. It is imperrative that you get out easily, quickly and with no drama. Since your parents feel that too and have offered to supply you with new baby items once you are in Canada, I think you should go with their offer. Disturb the nursery as little as possible, so hubby doesn't suspect anything. Leave what is cumbersome and bulky behind. By all means if you want to pack a suitcase for the baby ok, but please be preparred to travel lightly and quickly. Your safety is of paramount concern right now, and you will find some lovely baby things in Canada too.
  15. Feckless

    Feckless DIS Veteran

    Jan 25, 2011
    Don't succumb to emotional extortion like suicide threats!

    The baby items are for the baby, so take what you want and need regardless of which side of the family you got it from.

    Grandparents' rights are different in Canada. The court where the baby lives will most likely have jurisdiction - get where you want to be with the baby as soon as possible. You don't want to have to have the baby in the US and then him be able to get a non-removal order. You can go where you want but not the baby. The longer you wait the more likely a doctor may prohibit travel. Anyway, not sure about Ontario but the law allows grandparents specific rights of access in my province. Glad you aren't keeping them away - I disagree with the PPs in that regard. And a child should have as much contact with both parents as is in their best interests. Maybe that's taking a child to a movie once a week. I disagree with cutting off all contact - ultimately you will pay the price for that. This is a deeply flawed person who is not mature enough for daily parenting, no doubt, but bad husbands can still parent in some way.
  16. torinsmom

    torinsmom <font color=red>I have someone coming to scoop<br>

    Apr 7, 2004
    I totally agree with this. I felt really close to my MIL when I was married. After 3 years, the marriage fell apart and my MIL became a different person. Even though her son left us for another woman, it was somehow my fault. Then, she claimed I had never ALLOWED them to be close to our son. They live an hour away and were welcome to come visit and even take him back any time. They kept him all of 2 times in 3 years. My parents live in the same area and kept him once a month and came to visit even more.

    My point is that it may be better just to cut them out now.
  17. kmccain

    kmccain DIS Veteran

    Mar 12, 2006
    I totally agree with this. If he is making threats now you don't know what he is capable of once he realizes your gone. I think once you get there just lay low until things settle down and you and the baby are safe.
  18. lizabu

    lizabu Disney Maniac

    Jan 19, 2011
    I would take clothes and as someone said a stroller and playpen etc can be checked. Big things like a crib etc are going to be too big to bring and too heavy to ship. The cost would probably be the same as buying a new one. I would just leave those things. Besides you never know even if you can't be a couple he will still be the babys father and maybe he can use those things if you two ever work out visitation. Shipping some of these items may be cheaper than checking an extra suitcase so I would look into that.

    His saying he will overdose if you leave is a flimsy attempt to manipulate you. He's a grown up and he makes his own choices. You are not responsible for his bad choices.
  19. gottaluvPluto

    gottaluvPluto Where is my cookie?!!!

    Mar 20, 2004
    You need to think about SAFETY! Items can be replaced but you and the baby can't. Personally, if I think you should leave now. Pay cash and get a hotel and tell your mom where you are staying. Don't return to any place where your husband can find you. I say leave now and pay cash for everything.

    Items can be replaced!!

    Please leave now! The freak of a husband is not stable and can do something that can physically hurt you and the baby.
  20. Disney  Doll

    Disney Doll DIS Security Matron

    Nov 5, 2000
    Please....he's going to overdose if you leave him but he cooing with his teenage paramour. Frankly, if he said that to me, I might be tempted to say "Well, that would make my life infinitely easier right now" and give him an :rolleyes: . Manipulation, pure & simple...don't fall for it.

    As far as his parents.....say nothing and do nothing without the advice of an attorney. Blood is thicker than water, especially the mother/son bond. You will end up being the bad guy, no matter how much they claim to like you.

    Baby items....you need to move quickly so pack whatever you can in clothing and leave the rest behind. Unless, as a PP suggested, you have a VERY good friend who will be willing to be on call to be at your house at a moment's notice to grab the car seat and maybe the pack & play to take and ship to you later. You really cannot prepare too much ahead of time to go....you're going to need to have things seem as normal as possible, He's going to leave for work, you're going to literally have to throw things into a suitcase & be gone. Have a mental list of what you need to take. If you have a way of mailing some stuff ahead of time....maybe some of your clothing can be mailed or your favorite toiletries...I know my DH has no idea what I have in my closet....that would free up some luggage space for other stuff to bring on the day you leave.

    I feel for you OP. This is a terrible situation.
  21. abdmom

    abdmom DIS Veteran

    Apr 6, 2008
    Shipping between Canada and the US is MUCH MUCH more expensive than between two cities in the US. I would forget that option. By all means, pack another suitcase of the baby's clothes and bring the stroller on the plane. Canada has different requirements for car seats, so leave that behind.

    As another poster said, they are just things. Getting on the plane quickly and safely is your priority.
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