7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[Jessica14]

Just echoing what a PP said. This is about him. Although the situation was completely different, I had to realize this about my MIL's behavior towards me and other family members. It's much easier said than done and took me a long time, but I stopped being hurt because this is person felt bad about her life. I was not to blame. Neither are you.

I also agree that he will spin it to look like it is about you. Is there anyway you can write a letter to be delivered through your attorney to your in-laws? They may welcome contact with their grandchild down the road. It would also get your side of the story out first. I don't know if this is actually a good idea. Just a thought.

Thinking of you!
Jessica

 

[karensi]

And I just have to ask, how is he going to explain this to his family when you're gone? His friends? His coworkers? "Hey, Mom and Dad, forget about your daughter-in-law and new grandchild...I ditched them for an unstable teenager!"

Is he going to bring her to work events? To parties at his friends' homes? To Thanksgiving at his parents' home?

There's going to be no way to spin this that doesn't make him come off like the Worst Person Ever.

OP, all of this can be entertaining if you're in the right frame of mind. Keep in touch with friends that can tell you when the new gf has a shrieking temper tantrum in front of his family or his coworkers, because you know she will. Nothing wrong with a little schadenfreude....

Just want to say I think this post brought up a few good points. Kind of "side effects" of what he is doing to himself

Good luck going forward and please give us an update when you are settled.

Karen

 

[lukenick1]

Just spent 1/2 of my morning going through this thread. All I can say is what a nightmare!!!! OP...your are doing yourself and this baby a HUGE favor by getting out of there. You are so lucky you have such a loving and helpful family. Embrace that! Good luck with getting away and stay strong!!!!! I will be looking forward to seeing a post from you that you are in Canada and safe.

 

[alex9179]

It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.

I know, which is why relinquishing his rights is not something a USA court will allow. Since he has stated his cruel and hurtful position regarding this little boy, I think strict limitations are reasonable. I would move to protect the child as much as possible from harmful contact (remember this crazy girlfriend may have access, too!) so that when the time came, the mother and child are able to expand it at their own pace. There is always room to allow for more access, but it's difficult to restrict it later.
I can't imagine a court would order a strict access agreement unless the father is in agreement with the limitations. Right now, it sounds like he would be. If the two adults can't agree, then the court will decide and I don't think OP wants that.

Unfortunately, I have experience with troubled and dangerous parents and the effect it has on the children. The guy is troubled and the girlfriend sounds dangerous. Protecting the child comes first.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I know, which is why relinquishing his rights is not something a USA court will allow. Since he has stated his cruel and hurtful position regarding this little boy, I think strict limitations are reasonable. I would move to protect the child as much as possible from harmful contact (remember this crazy girlfriend may have access, too!) so that when the time came, the mother and child are able to expand it at their own pace. There is always room to allow for more access, but it's difficult to restrict it later.
I can't imagine a court would order a strict access agreement unless the father is in agreement with the limitations. Right now, it sounds like he would be. If the two adults can't agree, then the court will decide and I don't think OP wants that.

Unfortunately, I have experience with troubled and dangerous parents and the effect it has on the children. The guy is troubled and the girlfriend sounds dangerous. Protecting the child comes first.

Totally agree here. very well said. the husband made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with the kid!! why wouldnt the OP believe him? luckily she does! she's smart and listening to him by going to Canada. sticking around "just in case he changes his mind and decides to be a father" is a stupid thing to do.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S2 using DISBoards App

 

[Glennie5]

So far I have only had a chance to read the first and last page of this thread but wanted to let you know that I am so glad to hear you are moving back to Canada and you will have your mother there to help you make the move home.

 

[shelemm]

The ultimate goal of the OP should be to get the father to relinquish all rights. This guy is seriously ****ed up, and he will only bring more sadness and misery into your life. His girlfriend is unstable and so is he. He wil present a lingering danger to any chance of future happiness. Consult with an attorney on strategies to pressure him to eventually relinquish. It is to protect your well-being and that of the child. Do not let him hang around in your life.

You are your greatest gift to your parents. And this grandchild will be the greatest gift to all of you. You do not really need a thing from this guy except to stay away.

Get your ducks in a row, settle things financially with the house, and pressure him to relinquish.

He says he doesnt want this child, dont let him change his mind or you will regret his presence. It will make your present trouble look like a picnic.

You have everything to look forward to, even though its a scary time of sudden and drastic change. Your future can be one of love and hope or abandonment and regret.

Sorry to come on so strongly, but your life will be so happy once you remove yourself from his poisonous ways. Nothing good can come from this guy

 

[mrsksomeday]

If you had a good relationship with your in laws I suggest writing them a letter. There is no way he should have the chance to make up stories as to why you left the country. I am not suggesting telling them everything, what you tell them is up to you. I am just saying that they should hear from you why you decided to return to Canada before the birth of their grandchild.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

If you had a good relationship with your in laws I suggest writing them a letter. There is no way he should have the chance to make up stories as to why you left the country. I am not suggesting telling them everything, what you tell them is up to you. I am just saying that they should hear from you why you decided to return to Canada before the birth of their grandchild.

If she does this she should have her attorney look over it. I would be scared that they try to fight for some kind of custody or visitation and may use the letter to help them in some way.

 

[mrsksomeday]

That's fine, I just wouldn't leave without a word to them. If she has a good relationship I would think she would at least tell them goodbye. She could run it by the lawyer, heck even let the lawyer mail it after she leaves.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's fine, I just wouldn't leave without a word to them. If she has a good relationship I would think she would at least tell them goodbye. She could run it by the lawyer, heck even let the lawyer mail it after she leaves.

I know that is a huge temptation however she has to put the baby's safety first. If the IL's are good people and understanding then perhaps they can visit her.

The less said the better.

Anyway, never put ANYTHING in writing. That is just basic CYA 101.

 

[punkin]

I did ask a lawyer friend of mine about this and she advised that jurisdiction for the custody must take place where the child resides.

I was aware of this for inter-province custody hearings as when i left my ex my lawyer advised me to move and then file there or i would be stuck returning to the province i filed in to complete it. My sis in law also moved provinces without my brothers knowledge and when he filed with the courts for access he had to file it in the province the child resided in.

Child support and custody is never dealt with here in the same hearing either. Looks like it will all work to the op's advantage to file in Canada for custody as then the hearings will take place where the child resides.

This is true and the reason everyone said from the very beginning of the thread that OP should take her pregnant self to Canada. The minute that baby is born the husband has rights to him, whether he is in Canada or the US. The reason for going to Canada is that all custody issues will be decided in a Canadian court, which will be wary of letting the child go out of the country. They will most likely allow visitation, but only in Canada. If the baby is born in the US, all issues will be decided in the US and OP will be unable to get her son out of the country for the same reasons.

About signing away his parental rights...I am not sure how that would work. I have only heard of that being allowed when there has been a long period of neglect and another father (step) willing to step in and assume responsibility. The state wants the deadbeats on the hook for child support if at all possible. Also, the grandparents are liable to raise a huge stink. They themselves do not necessarily have rights (though there are several states which allow grandparents' some rights to visitation) but they can force the ex not to give up his rights so that they can see the baby.

 

[Disney Doll]

A child has a right to a good and loving father that wants him. This child doesn't have that. A child deserves to have a father that wants him and will be there for him, and put his needs first.

That is not the case here at all. Will the father grow up, maybe, who knows, and right now, who cares. The OP, and the child is better off without him. OP should not have to bend over backwards to forge a relationship with him.

If he wants to later, that is up to the OP. I hope she can file everything in Canada and the Candian courts can make the decisions.

I know my sons were so much better off that their sperm donor disappeared. The money that I never received (that the court ordered), wouldn't have been worth it, if he had been in the picture. My sons are now grown men, and doing very well.

My friend, who was in a similar situation with a similar type of man, always said that she wished she had never said who the father was. The pittance she was supposed to get, which she seldom got, wasn't worth the years of aggravation he caused.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

That's fine, I just wouldn't leave without a word to them. If she has a good relationship I would think she would at least tell them goodbye. She could run it by the lawyer, heck even let the lawyer mail it after she leaves.

She should wait to make any contact until she is safely in Canada (IMHO)

 

[mrsksomeday]

I agree. That is why I said have the lawyer look it over to make sure anything she writes doesn't cause issues down the line and let him mail it after she is gone.

 

[momrek06]

Oh gosh, OP, I am so sorry. Just read most of this thread. Very sad BUT I am glad you are going home. You need to be with family that will support you emotionally at this time. You have INDEED made the RIGHT decision to go home.

Please update us when you get to Canada.

 

[SaraJayne]

My friend, who was in a similar situation with a similar type of man, always said that she wished she had never said who the father was. The pittance she was supposed to get, which she seldom got, wasn't worth the years of aggravation he caused.

Hmmm, interesting thought. Can the OP keep the father off the birth certificate if they were married at time of birth?

OP, that might be something you want to consider and ask your lawyer about.

 

[Disney Doll]

Hmmm, interesting thought. Can the OP keep the father off the birth certificate if they were married at time of birth?

OP, that might be something you want to consider and ask your lawyer about.

Probably not.

If I were the OP, I'd do my best to convince him that if he really had no interest in being a father that I would not fight him in signing away his parental rights.

I would be interested to be a fly on the wall when his parents find out this whole situation. I am quite certain he is going to "spin" it to sound like the OP went nuts and left. That's why keeping proof of his dalliance (ie-text meesages from the GF etc.) is a good idea. Blood is thicker than water, but the OP did mention that she has a good relationship with her in-laws so they might be the rare ones who realize that their child is an idiot.....especially if the OP can provide them with poof.

Take that computer with you too OP. If you two share a computer, put all his stuff on a thumb drive and leave that for him, but take the computer. It has a history on it somewhere that someone can get off if necessary to prove his behavior.

 

[mrsklamc]

They're married, so leaving him off the birth certificate would do no good. He will still have paternal responsibility.

 

[sookie]

Hmmm, interesting thought. Can the OP keep the father off the birth certificate if they were married at time of birth?

OP, that might be something you want to consider and ask your lawyer about.

Probably not. At least, if she gave birth in the US, that can be an ordeal - keeping a spouse off a birth certificate initially might not be hard but he can be added easily. He is also the presumed father since they are married, even if he isn't named on the birth certificate, and would have rights and responsibilities such as child support. At least, that is my limited understanding. That probably varies by state though.