7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[Lynne M]

And I just have to ask, how is he going to explain this to his family when you're gone? His friends? His coworkers? "Hey, Mom and Dad, forget about your daughter-in-law and new grandchild...I ditched them for an unstable teenager!"

Is he going to bring her to work events? To parties at his friends' homes? To Thanksgiving at his parents' home?

There's going to be no way to spin this that doesn't make him come off like the Worst Person Ever.

OP, all of this can be entertaining if you're in the right frame of mind. Keep in touch with friends that can tell you when the new gf has a shrieking temper tantrum in front of his family or his coworkers, because you know she will. Nothing wrong with a little schadenfreude....

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Glad your plan is in place.

If you had any doubt, his statement to his girlfriend in your presence should solidify in your mind that you are doing the right thing. Remember, they always affair down.....it'll be a wonderful day when reality bites him in the butt when he realizes what he gave up and what he has. It'll be a wonderful day when reality bites her in the butt when she realizes that she has attached herself to a man who has proven that he can cheat....and if she thinks he won't cheat on her, then she is as stupid as we all think she is.

Karma baby, karma.....

One day at a time...think long and hard about if he asks to sign away his parental rights....let him!

OP, just some random thoughts....

Loved the Maya Angelou quote from a PP...that Skype episode showed you exactly who he is, loud and clear. A complete, utter failure as a husband and a man. Always remember that. This is his failure, not yours.

You mentioned that you feel horrible that he chose her over you. As hard as this is to believe right now, it's not really about you. It's about his weakness, his inability to be a responsible husband, father and adult. He chose her because she's easy. There's no responsibility, no baby on the way that has to be cared for and has to be provided for. No adult relationship to maintain. She makes him feel like he's back in high school, where nothing matters but having fun.

And she reassures him that he's still "got it", and probably thinks that all his guy friends are impressed that he's got this hot teenager. I dunno, a friend's (now ex-) husband did pretty much the same thing and his friends were mortified and thought he was an idiot. Most of them have dropped him; he's an embarrassment.

Remember, too, that you have nowhere to go but forward. You're going to have a happy, successful life with your beautiful baby, and you're going to meet a wonderful guy who'll cherish you both. Your man-child ex, on the other hand, is going to have a series of increasingly pathetic flings with high school and college girls. He'll be the guy in his forties hanging out at the bar with the coeds, who'll be laughing at him behind his back.

You don't want to let yourself be consumed by anger, it's not good for you or the baby. But right now, let the anger give you the strength you need to end this. When you worry about him coming home to an empty house, remember the voice of his little friend calling you disgusting....and him not defending you. He's not worrying about you for one minute.....don't you waste any time worrying about him.

Best of luck to you....it's going to get better, I promise.

I'm another one who's been following your ordeal but haven't posted yet.

You've gotten a LOT of great advice but I must say that these two posts especially hit the nail on the head. I've BTDT - 6 months pregnant with my DS when I finally woke up to the fact that I was married to a very selfish, immature, man-child and that I would be a divorced mom. I stayed with my jerk of an ex for 3 more years but it all boiled down to the same end only I wound up hurting my own ego/self-worth MORE by staying those last few years.

As you've read time and again here - you ARE very strong by leaving now! You will grow even stronger.

My experience over the years - YMMV - I wanted the ex to maintain a relationship with our son. He wanted to sign off his parental rights but I persuaded him not to. If I could only go back in time, I would kick. my. own. butt. and LET HIM! My DS has suffered through the ex's endless merry go round of bimbo after bimbo to controlling, manipulative step-mom to half brother to EX step mom to more bimbos to, now, no contact whatsoever with his dad. It horribly affected DS in his tween years and I had a very difficult time with him. I wonder if his self-worth wouldn't have taken such a hit had I let the (insert a non-DIS-friendly word here) ex walk away forever when DS was 3?

As others have said.... you will be SO MUCH better off without that selfish jerk in your life! Good luck to you.

 

[tomthebarncat]

OP you are a stronger woman than I am! If that Skype nonsense had happened to me, I would be sitting in a jail cell. I would have picked up that laptop and beat him over the head until there was nothing left of the PC and his head was bashed in. I am sorry but I have a limit to my ability to process this kind of betrayal! Your ability to let it go is astonishing anyway... I wish you the very best and am relieved to know that your folks are supporting you during this crisis. Good luck

 

[JoiseyMom]

And I just have to ask, how is he going to explain this to his family when you're gone? His friends? His coworkers? "Hey, Mom and Dad, forget about your daughter-in-law and new grandchild...I ditched them for an unstable teenager!"

Is he going to bring her to work events? To parties at his friends' homes? To Thanksgiving at his parents' home?

There's going to be no way to spin this that doesn't make him come off like the Worst Person Ever.

OP, all of this can be entertaining if you're in the right frame of mind. Keep in touch with friends that can tell you when the new gf has a shrieking temper tantrum in front of his family or his coworkers, because you know she will. Nothing wrong with a little schadenfreude....

He is going to lie of course! My ex disappeared after our divorce, never paid a dime, never attempted to see my sons. I found out years later that he explained it by saying I took my sons to Israel. LOL...seriously? Just because I am Jewish, that is what he came up with. Sad part is that his current wife (I lost count of which number she is), believed him, married him, and had kids with him. Who is the biggest loser, her or him?

OP, you are strong and amazing, and are going to be an incredible mom to your baby. All your feelings are normal and valid, and it will get better, I promise you. Off with the old and on with the new! Your future is gonna rock!

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

He is going to lie of course! My ex disappeared after our divorce, never paid a dime, never attempted to see my sons. I found out years later that he explained it by saying I took my sons to Israel. LOL...seriously? Just because I am Jewish, that is what he came up with. Sad part is that his current wife (I lost count of which number she is), believed him, married him, and had kids with him. Who is the biggest loser, her or him?

OP, you are strong and amazing, and are going to be an incredible mom to your baby. All your feelings are normal and valid, and it will get better, I promise you. Off with the old and on with the new! Your future is gonna rock!

Yeap. The guy has shown himself to be a low-life creepy loser. No doubt he will try and spin this to make himself look like the victim. I'm betting that he will tell people that the OP was cheating and that the baby is not his. Then, the lover left her and she up and moved to Canada where he cannot reach her. No way he will tell people that he is some nasty pervert who treated his wife and unborn child like he is.


Hang in their, OP. Stay strong and know that you have the support of all of us.

 

[Fly4free]

Yeap. The guy has shown himself to be a low-life creepy loser. No doubt he will try and spin this to make himself look like the victim. I'm betting that he will tell people that the OP was cheating and that the baby is not his. Then, the lover left her and she up and moved to Canada where he cannot reach her. No way he will tell people that he is some nasty pervert who treated his wife and unborn child like he is.


Hang in their, OP. Stay strong and know that you have the support of all of us.

The TRUTH always has a way of coming out! I'm pretty sure he will be getting some strange looks and a lot of questions when people see he is fooling around with a teenager.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I just wanted to let you know I'm another stranger who cares. I know you feel bad and that it hurts right now but you're doing the right thing.

 

[3smithboys]

OP you are a stronger woman than I am! If that Skype nonsense had happened to me, I would be sitting in a jail cell. I would have picked up that laptop and beat him over the head until there was nothing left of the PC and his head was bashed in. I am sorry but I have a limit to my ability to process this kind of betrayal! Your ability to let it go is astonishing anyway... I wish you the very best and am relieved to know that your folks are supporting you during this crisis. Good luck

 

[misha-ginger]

I also have been following without posting and just wanted to say that I think you are indeed a very strong person and I admire your courage. I hope when you get here to Canada you can focus on the future and put this behind you

 

[alex9179]

I mentioned this before, but signing away his parental rights in a Californian court isn't going to happen in the present circumstances. I'm ignorant of how a province in Canada would handle it and how the jurisdictional lines would be addressed. Since the marriage and residence were in Calif, I assume that court would have jurisdiction over the divorce and custody/support order.

Do seek sole custody with as limited access as you can get approved by the court. Personally, I think he should still be financially responsible for the child he helped create but limit his contact as much as you feel is appropriate. Support payments don't mean that he'll have any access rights above what you/he/and the court have agreed to. It's the child's right and his duty.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I did ask a lawyer friend of mine about this and she advised that jurisdiction for the custody must take place where the child resides.

I was aware of this for inter-province custody hearings as when i left my ex my lawyer advised me to move and then file there or i would be stuck returning to the province i filed in to complete it. My sis in law also moved provinces without my brothers knowledge and when he filed with the courts for access he had to file it in the province the child resided in.

Child support and custody is never dealt with here in the same hearing either. Looks like it will all work to the op's advantage to file in Canada for custody as then the hearings will take place where the child resides.

 

[loricdietzel]

I have been following this and am saying a prayer for you, OP. You ARE a strong woman! Your feelings are normal. Your concern for him coming home to an empty house is out of a desire for what the relationship maybe once was, or what you thought it was, not what it IS. That is a hard reality to accept. But don't let it sway your decision to leave OR to return in the future.

You are going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I pray for all the best for you and your baby....and GOD BLESS your wonderful mother! (And father who is probably supporting her in coming to get you!)

I am eagerly awaiting your post that you are safely in Canada.

 

[pampam]

Another quick update.

The Dr appointment went well and my Dr told me to go ahead and fly, but to do it sooner rather than later. So my parents are looking for flights right now - we're looking for a nonstop flight so I don't have to worry about a layover. I'm not going to say on here when I'm planning on leaving, just in case, but once I'm in Canada, I will let you guys know I'm there. My mom is flying over the day before and staying in a hotel, that way DH won't know she's here and hopefully won't suspect anything is going on. To be honest, my mom is really coming in case I freak out about leaving and want to stay - I've told her that, no matter how hard it is or how upset I get, she needs to make me get on that flight. I'm going to leave DH a note telling him where I am, contact information and my attorney's information with regard to the money I'm leaving to cover my share of bills.
The cats are going to stay for now - I know DH won't hurt them, he adores them and he's a big animal lover, I'm confident they'll be safe. Additionally to that, my attorney advised against taking things that are considered joint property and, as horrible as it sounds, pets are considered property.

I appreciate people saying how strong I am, but I certainly don't feel it. I manage OK throughout the day, but at night I'm a mess. I got really upset last night when I realized DH would come home to an empty house and no inkling that I would be gone. It reminded me of when we first moved in together and we'd be so excited to come home to each other after work at the end of the day. I just get so sad sometimes that it's truly over

Oh, and obviously, DH didn't move out like he said he would. He's still in the guest room. The other night I needed the laptop to get some work done, and went to ask DH if he had it - he was on Skype with the other girl and when she saw me in the background, she flipped out and started screaming "WHY is SHE here, she needs to LEAVE, I hate her so much, look how fat she's gotten with the baby, she's disgusting." I (stupidly) waited to see if DH might defend me, especially about the fat comments, but his response to her was "it's OK baby, don't let her upset you."

I was wondering if perhaps that note should be sent by registered mail, in case hubbie tears it up and says he never got it. Just a thought.

 

[Albort]

I was wondering if perhaps that note should be sent by registered mail, in case hubbie tears it up and says he never got it. Just a thought.

i believe she is paying through the attorney so i dont think he would dare tear it up...

id say, have your parents fly down, get everything you need within and hour and take off to Canada... make it quick and smooth on yourself, cant imagine a 7 month pregnant lady doing all this by herself...

 

[goofyintoronto]

i believe she is paying through the attorney so i dont think he would dare tear it up...

id say, have your parents fly down, get everything you need within and hour and take off to Canada... make it quick and smooth on yourself, cant imagine a 7 month pregnant lady doing all this by herself...

No kidding. I hope to god the husband isnt home as she's trying to leave. Thank goodness the mother is going to be nearby.

 

[bettymae1121]

Hopefully OP has already thought about this, but I would advise finding a family lawyer in Canada and see what can be done on that side of the boarder. If she can file there vs. here I would imagine that would be to her benifit in a lot of ways. If nothing else the Canadian lawyer should be able to answer questions the CA lawyer can't, even if she does wind up having to file in CA at least she'll know all the angles before moving forward.

Oh, and as for that last update? DuH would be having to have that laptop removed from his butt hole if that had happened to me. Good grief, what a douche!

 

[StephMK]

Thinking of you OP and glad you are planning to go home. It is possible to be sad and mixed up and still be strong! You didn't let his hollow words sway your decision and you didn't kick his hiney when he made that comment to her online. Keep remembering those ridiculous moments when you feel your resolve weakening.

Good luck as you move forward and have confidence that future happiness will be in store for you. THis is the hardest part, it WILL get better.

 

[bunny]

Do seek sole custody with as limited access as you can get approved by the court. Personally, I think he should still be financially responsible for the child he helped create but limit his contact as much as you feel is appropriate. Support payments don't mean that he'll have any access rights above what you/he/and the court have agreed to. It's the child's right and his duty.

It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.

 

[disykat]

Thinking of you OP and glad you are planning to go home. It is possible to be sad and mixed up and still be strong! You didn't let his hollow words sway your decision and you didn't kick his hiney when he made that comment to her online. Keep remembering those ridiculous moments when you feel your resolve weakening.

Good luck as you move forward and have confidence that future happiness will be in store for you. THis is the hardest part, it WILL get better.

I agree. You're going to have to mourn the loss of what you thought your life was going to be, the person you thought you were with. That's totally different than mourning the loss of the jerk that he turned out to be.

Stay strong. A bunch of total strangers are really proud of you right now. You can be proud of what your are doing for your child!

 

[JoiseyMom]

It is also the child's right to have a father! I think most courts will agree. If the dad wants to be involved later, the OP might not have a choice. If he doesn't, then that is his choice.

A child has a right to a good and loving father that wants him. This child doesn't have that. A child deserves to have a father that wants him and will be there for him, and put his needs first.

That is not the case here at all. Will the father grow up, maybe, who knows, and right now, who cares. The OP, and the child is better off without him. OP should not have to bend over backwards to forge a relationship with him.

If he wants to later, that is up to the OP. I hope she can file everything in Canada and the Candian courts can make the decisions.

I know my sons were so much better off that their sperm donor disappeared. The money that I never received (that the court ordered), wouldn't have been worth it, if he had been in the picture. My sons are now grown men, and doing very well.