I've learned my lesson about boyfriends

[MIGrandma]

I give her a lot of credit. I wouldn't be anyone's 3rd wife.

He's her second husband, so she's been through a divorce before too. I certainly don't hold it against her.

Haven't you ever heard the saying, "never say never?" If you were single and met someone you really clicked with, went out several times, fell in love, etc. you just might marry them. I don't think anyone can really say for 100% sure what they would do, until they are faced with the actual situation, no matter what it is.

 

[luvmyfam444]

We are the kind that at least like to know the family before we allow our children to go somewhere. So we would have @ least met before they went anywhere. In this case it just happened that we met because of being new band parents. Our kids had been "together" for a few months before we met.

We are still friends - we talked this a.m. in fact for our usual hr on the phone. And nothing about the kids breaking up.

 

[MichelleVW]

hmmm, no. I never get attached to DD19's boyfriends. She's with one now who is very nice. They've been dating about a year. If she dumped him tomorrow, I wouldn't give him a second thought. If she decided to marry him, I guess, he'd be fine (he's a good boy), but attached? Maybe if he gives me grandchildren. I know my mother started regarding DH as somewhat semi-human when I had DD.

This is me....seriously I want them to date nice people, but if they break up with someone I'm sure there's a reason and honestly I don't care.

 

[minkydog]

He's her second husband, so she's been through a divorce before too. I certainly don't hold it against her.

Haven't you ever heard the saying, "never say never?" If you were single and met someone you really clicked with, went out several times, fell in love, etc. you just might marry them. I don't think anyone can really say for 100% sure what they would do, until they are faced with the actual situation, no matter what it is.

Totally agree. My mother remarried about 10 years after my dad left her. She was shell-shocked for a long time. Then Dave entered our lives. Dave had been married for about 20 years to his first wife, divorced for about 7 years, then married another lady kinda on the spur of the moment. It lasted 9 months before they mutually called it quits. When he and my mom started getting interested in each other, I have to admit, i was concerned. But they took it slow and dated about 4 years, a long time considering they were in their late 40s. Mother and Dave were happily, ecstatically, supremely in love for 16 years until cancer took him away.

I would have never in my wildest dreams thought my mom would marry a guy who had already been married twice. What are the odds that it would work? And she was sooooo skeptical of men after my dad hurt her. But she is a living example of "never say never."

 

[minkydog]

of my dd's. I won't meet them OR their families until she is ready to get married. That way I can't get attached to any of the boys.

dd went on her first "non"date for homecoming. They have been "together" since April - but never on a date til homecoming.
I have become friends with his mom - didn't mean to - we just really hit it off & we had another mutual friend...we are still friends - no issue there.
BUT dd dumped the boy...for no good reason! Just 2 wks after the dance - where they had a blast together.

So...now I've got to go to counseling because I'm feeling sorry for the boy! His mom said he was just fine with it. I was almost in tears when I heard.What's weird is I dreamed they had broken up the night before they broke up.

I guess I'm having such a hard time with it because it was her first dance, & date (but not really a date - since they weren't alone) & they looked so darn cute together!

And NO...I wasn't trying to marry her off or anything...I don't care if she had a couple of other boys - she can share - but keep this one too

Dh & I discussed it - there will be no more boys allowed until she's 32.

Ouch~! I get it. I try hard not to get attached to the GFs/BFs of my children. But it's hard. DS26 has dated some very nice young women, one or two of which I thought my really be "the one." DD19 has dated a couple of young men who were really special, too. When they break up, as young adults do, I don't know who I feel the worst for, my child or their former love interest.

 

[Katy Belle]

We are the kind that at least like to know the family before we allow our children to go somewhere. So we would have @ least met before they went anywhere. In this case it just happened that we met because of being new band parents. Our kids had been "together" for a few months before we met.

We are still friends - we talked this a.m. in fact for our usual hr on the phone. And nothing about the kids breaking up.

Glad you were able to maintain a friendship with the mother.

I am a mother of boys...but I learned the same lesson last year. I loved the girlfriend. Seriously, like a daughter. I never thought they'd stay together forever, but I did love her. And...we also became friendly with the family and our families were strangely alike and we were ALL so compatible. The Dad's in the families do the same job, the other mom and I have been SAHMs forever and were sooo much alike. We did things at their house and they came to our house. The mom and I became best friends.

Things didn't end well between DS and the girlfriend. The mom and I tried to keep up our friendship, sort of, for a short time. It just wasn't going to work. We are friendly in public, but that is the extent of it and really, how it needed to be.

Anyway... DS has a new girly and she is lovely, but I just cannot get close with her. I don't encourage him to bring her over, I try to keep my distance. It makes me sad, to a point, but I do think its best this way.

 

[MIGrandma]

Totally agree. My mother remarried about 10 years after my dad left her. She was shell-shocked for a long time. Then Dave entered our lives. Dave had been married for about 20 years to his first wife, divorced for about 7 years, then married another lady kinda on the spur of the moment. It lasted 9 months before they mutually called it quits. When he and my mom started getting interested in each other, I have to admit, i was concerned. But they took it slow and dated about 4 years, a long time considering they were in their late 40s. Mother and Dave were happily, ecstatically, supremely in love for 16 years until cancer took him away.

I would have never in my wildest dreams thought my mom would marry a guy who had already been married twice. What are the odds that it would work? And she was sooooo skeptical of men after my dad hurt her. But she is a living example of "never say never."

A perfect example of what I was talking about!!

I'm so glad they found each other and had some good years together.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Nobody told me about the attachment until it was too late!
Now I've got to figure out what to do with the pics....I've left them on FB because she hasn't taken hers down either...but everytime I see them it makes me sad. My profile pic is from the dance - just her -but it reminds me of everything. And I'm a scrapbooker - I plan to scrap the pics.

GOOD GRIEF! I can't imagine if it was a marriage & divorce!! if I'm this attached from a teenage puppy love.

I've got to figure out how NOT to go thru this again!

 

[ZephyrHawk]

After I broke up for good with my long time on-again-off-again high school boyfriend he tried to guilt me into getting back together with him by telling me how his mom carried a picture of me in her wallet and showed it to people as "the girl she hoped would someday be her daughter-in-law." I have to admit, I did like her. Probably better than her son.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, you really, really do need a way to learn how to navigate this...
You still have the pics on FaceBook and plan on scrapbooking them?????

I've seen a lot of this here on the DIS over the years.
My advice for parents is always to not get over-involved and over-attached.

I just posted this on the recent thread about a similar situation, the DD's first homecoming 'date'...

At 14, I think some minimal parental involvement is great.
However, to the OP... From here on out, this should def. be more like your make-up approach - 'Less is more'.

A kids dating and personal life just should be just that... THEIRS.
Not a 'family' event with over-attachment and drama, etc.
And, I don't even want to have to mention living vicariously thru one's kids... just throwing that in... not making any assumptions about this OP.

 

[luvsJack]

Yep, you really, really do need a way to learn how to navigate this...
You still have the pics on FaceBook and plan on scrapbooking them?????

I've seen a lot of this here on the DIS over the years.
My advice for parents is always to not get over-involved and over-attached.

I just posted this on the recent thread about a similar situation, the DD's first homecoming 'date'...


A kids dating and personal life just should be just that... THEIRS.
Not a 'family' event with over-attachment and drama, etc.
And, I don't even want to have to mention living vicariously thru one's kids... just throwing that in... not making any assumptions about this OP.

Now see, I think that parents knowing their kids friends and who they are dating is a good thing.

DD's bff is someone we adore. She is like our "other daughter" and even calls herself that. So, yes, we are attached to her. She spends a lot of time with us and at our home. We know her mom and are friends with her. She is taking the girls to a concert tonight and I am happy that I know her well enough to know that I trust her with my dd's safety and well being. I can feel that dd is just as safe as she would be with me.

Same thing with the bf that I mentioned. DD was invited to come over, spend time with the boy and his family and go to a haunted house with them. The father called and extended the invitation to all of us. Did we think the kids were going to stay together forever? No, of course not. Did we like the idea of knowing the people that dd was planning to spend time with? Yes. We were comfortable enough then to allow dd to spend time with her friend and his family and his family felt the same way letting him spend time with us.

Am I "living through my dd"? No. I have my own life, social circle and activities. But, I like to be comfortable in the fact that while my 14 year old is taking part in HER life, social circles and activities, she is with people that will look after her.

When a kid is around your house all the time, you get attached. That's just the way it is, at least for me and possibly for the OP too.

As for the scrapbooking of pictures, it's pictures of a part of her child's life. Why would she not keep the pictures?

I have pictures of dd and her ex-bf with friends at the fair. I haven't scrapbooked them because I don't scrapbook, but we do have them and there are with all the other pictures of her 8th grade year.

Of course some people can be too involved, I see it a lot. But there is such a thing as too little involvement too. Knowing who your child's friends are a big help in getting them through their teen years without so many of the issues that teens can face.

The OP isn't trying to marry her dd off to the boy. She isn't trying to adopt him. She liked the kid and hates that her dd broke it off. After some of the boys dd has met at hs, I do wish for the old bf back sometimes; but I wouldn't tell dd that nor would I try to convince her. Its just my opinion that I keep to myself.

 

[Tiggeroo]

My son announced plans to marry his gf in May. They weren't formally engaged but would be in October and they began researching and visiting wedding venues. They were getting married in May of 2013. I treated the girl like family at that point. I had learned in the past to not get too involved with even gf's who seemed serious as they could be gone, but to always treat each one as though they could be a dil. This week the marriage was cancelled and they are not speaking. I would love an opportunity to speak to the girl for a few minutes. However, my loyalty is to my son first and I have to be careful about things. I know it can be tough. And apparently waiting until weddings are planned is not enough.

 

[Buckalew11]

I see many different sides to this. I was the youngest of 3 girls and always got attached to my older sister's boyfriends. Often, breakups hurt me as much or more than it hurt my sisters. These guys were like older brothers to me.

I'm still friends with one of my sister's BF's from HS (they are 52!) He's in Reba's band and got me tickets to her concert last year. When my father died 6 years ago, he drove from Nashville for the funeral. He and my sister have remained friendly and my BIL is also friends with him.

My family and his family used to do Thanksgiving dinners together and Christmas dinners together! His mom was a huge part of my life and we are friendly to this day! My mom and his mom have vacationed together many times.

I'm still friendly with an old boyfriend's family. I even do his mom's and sister's hair.

My sister went to one of my old boyfriend's wedding. Actually, this old BF came to my dad's funeral also--he just came and signed the book but it was still sweet of him to come pay his respects like that.

I have not gotten too attached to any of DD's BFs. There's only been 2 and one I liked a lot and one I did not care for at all, but she didn't either... lol

Now, as you have probably read on here, my BIL is divorcing my sister after 36 years. He's been around since I was 9 so, yes, I was attached. I loved him more than I loved her even. It has been really hard for me. That said, HE is leaving her for an 18yo girl who was my nephew's GF! Talk about TOO INVOLVED--well, there ya go!!! SO yes, I think you have to be careful about all this stuff but really, I am glad that I have had my sister's BF's family in my life. They're like family to me.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I became attached to my son's first after high-school serious girlfriend. I was attached to his first girlfriend, too, but not like this one. When they broke up I did cry.

Luckily for me, they are friends, because she & I are friends, and we do things together. I did ask him if he was okay with that, which he was. She is up in San Francisco studying now, and when I was there she & I went to the Disney Museum. She has also been to our house for soup night (I host a soup night every now and then for the young people), and I was pleased that she & my son were relaxed together.

He does keep in touch with the first girlfriend, even though she's now married with a child. My son laughed and asked if I was going to continue to be friends with all his ex-girlfriends, and I told him that if he continues to bring them home then expect me to become friends with them. Of course, I would never do anything to make him uncomfortable, though.

I held back a little with his last girlfriend, though. I've learned not to get so attached. I am very friendly, but I don't let my heart run away anymore.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Crazy your BIL is going for an 18yr old! I'm thinking her parents never met her boyfriends....

I see many different sides to this. I was the youngest of 3 girls and always got attached to my older sister's boyfriends. Often, breakups hurt me as much or more than it hurt my sisters. These guys were like older brothers to me.

I'm still friends with one of my sister's BF's from HS (they are 52!) He's in Reba's band and got me tickets to her concert last year. When my father died 6 years ago, he drove from Nashville for the funeral. He and my sister have remained friendly and my BIL is also friends with him.

My family and his family used to do Thanksgiving dinners together and Christmas dinners together! His mom was a huge part of my life and we are friendly to this day! My mom and his mom have vacationed together many times.

I'm still friendly with an old boyfriend's family. I even do his mom's and sister's hair.

My sister went to one of my old boyfriend's wedding. Actually, this old BF came to my dad's funeral also--he just came and signed the book but it was still sweet of him to come pay his respects like that.

I have not gotten too attached to any of DD's BFs. There's only been 2 and one I liked a lot and one I did not care for at all, but she didn't either... lol

Now, as you have probably read on here, my BIL is divorcing my sister after 36 years. He's been around since I was 9 so, yes, I was attached. I loved him more than I loved her even. It has been really hard for me. That said, HE is leaving her for an 18yo girl who was my nephew's GF! Talk about TOO INVOLVED--well, there ya go!!! SO yes, I think you have to be careful about all this stuff but really, I am glad that I have had my sister's BF's family in my life. They're like family to me.

 

[Buckalew11]

Crazy your BIL is going for an 18yr old! I'm thinking her parents never met her boyfriends....

oh yes...it is more sick than crazy (but it is crazy too!). He's 57. Yeah, you read that right--57! This has been going on for 3 years--you do the math!

 

[disney1990]

I have dearly likely a couple of DD's boyfriends. She is 28, about to finish her Master's Degree and single. I still meet them, but try not to get too attached. Hopefully, after she finished school.............................