7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[jujube]

I've been reading all the posts and thinking about you. Today I thought of "regrets". I don't know if I'll be able to convey my thoughts so bear with me. I would look at your next step with what you may or may not regret less in the coming years, and what would be an easier regret to fix.

Having a baby in Canada... what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

Having a baby in California... Again what might be the regrets and what problems could be easier fixed.

I still say get the heck out of Dodge... Not only could your DH end up with some visitation rights, but that crazy girl could end up near your baby. ughhh, that thought makes my skin crawl.

this is a tough decision and I sure am hoping and praying for you.

Yikes! I had not thought of that.

 

[ForAandA]

I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You've gotten great advice. One thing I will add, in case it wasn't suggested, is that I'd talk to as many top-notch lawyers in your area as possible.....so that your husband won't be able to retain any of them. Nasty? Perhaps, but he deserves to have to struggle to find a good lawyer.

 

[sandramaac]

OP, I have gone through this personally. I am going to PM you. Sending tons of hugs your way.

That being said, please put a pin number or a lock on your cell phone. Your husband WILL try to get your phone and delete those messages. He brought it up in conversation, asking why you were keeping them. They are worrying him, he KNOWS his little wench is going to get into a heap of trouble for them. Do not put it past him. He will try to get that phone and delete evidence.

This is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I am not going to sugar coat it. It WILL get better though, I promise. Keep your head as level as possible, let him leave on his own. If he leaves, he is abandoning his home, and that will work in your favor.

I would also tell everyone under the sun. His parents, her parents, etc. I am spiteful like that

I am telling you either screen shots of the text or forward them to your email. Keep the phone with you at all times, and put a password, but if he wants that phone to disappear he he going to take it and break it. I'd forward the texts to a trusted friend too for safe keeping.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I have no advice for you... I just wanted to send my best wishes to you and the baby.

You have a lot of people in your corner!!!

 

[RNMOM]

I just wanted to check in on you. I see things appear to be still up in the air. I like the suggestion to speak with as many lawyers as possible. Never thought about that but it is a good idea!

I will keep you and your baby in your thoughts.

 

[JoiseyMom]

One thing you should do, is to open new credit card/s in your name only, and to DROP him or close any credit card/s you have with him, or remove yourself from his!

 

[aaarcher86]

I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.

I'm with you on telling her parents, not so much his. AFTER getting all her stuff taken care of though. Getting to Canada, insurance, and settling in are more important I think.

However, if they are friends of the family, then they are friends. Friends deserve to know, IMHO. And once they find out (which they will) they'll end up being very angry with you not telling them I imagine. They'll probably be asking questions as the separation goes down of the parents, or other family members they are close to.

Again, low end of the totem pole on a list of things to do/figure out... but at some point I would say something.

 

[suzannen]

I would also be out of there in a NY minute & giving birth in Canada no matter HOW much it costs.

Also OP, OB does not want you to leave not only because of the liability factor but also because the OB will not get paid for services rendered.[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was thinking!

Also wondering if your Mom might be able to give you the phone # of a lawyer where she lives. Maybe she knows someone ( a lawyer that is) or maybe there is a friend of a friend, in Canada, who would speak with you for a few minutes and who could give you some answers to some very important questions about moving back.
Karen

OP, I think this is a great idea as well as speaking to your U.S. lawyer; between the two of them, you'd probably understand all of your options better from both legal systems' standpoints. I am with the others who strongly recommend going back to Canada ASAP!

I dealt with child custody issues with my ex that took over four years to be resolved and during that time I was legally prohibited from moving further than 60 miles from where my ex lived. If I did, I instantly lost custody. My ex purposely did that to prevent me from moving back in with my parents, who lived in a different state. I can't imagine how muxh more difficult it would have been if we were talking international legal issues. I would drive, take a train, fly, do anything to protect yourself and the baby NOW!!

Unless he signs away all rights, it will only get worse.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

The more I think about it the more I would leave right away. I would take FMLA and head to Canada. It really isn't that difficult to travel long distance while pregnant. Just make sure you don't lift anything too heavy, drink fluids and find the restrooms when needed.

 

[mrsklamc]

FMLA doesn't kick in until you've been employed there for a year. I would still go to Canada, but can't count on the job being there due to FLMA.

 

[alex9179]

With the mention of the husband "signing away his rights", I thought I would caution the OP that it's not a simple action.

All states have different rules regarding relinquishing parental rights. One thing that tends to be common is that a judge will usually not allow a parent to do so without some kind of extreme reason, like the state is moving to terminate the rights anyway due to abuse and neglect. Since the action was being taken anyway, the parent can choose to do it voluntarily instead of going to trial. This can be done in a private trial, as well, but the standards to terminate are still imposed.

In California, termination of rights are NOT granted due to custody or support issues, even if both parents say they want it. The courts will not deny the child a parent under those circumstances. There must be another willing to step in and adopt the child, such as step-parent adoption.

Voluntarily relinquishing the father's rights is not an option for this couple.

OP, you can file to terminate his rights, after the child is born, under the following conditions. Your legal fees could be substantial, however.

Reunification services need not be provided to a parent when the court finds, by clear and convincing evidence, any of the following:

The whereabouts of the parent is unknown.
The parent is suffering from a mental disability that renders him or her incapable of utilizing those services.
The child or a sibling of the child had been removed from the custody of his or her parent as a result of an adjudication of dependency due to physical or sexual abuse, the child had been returned to the custody of the parent, and the child is being removed again due to additional physical or sexual abuse.
The parent has caused the death of another child through abuse or neglect.
The parent has subjected the child under age 5 to severe physical abuse.
The child has been adjudicated a dependent as a result of severe sexual abuse or the infliction of severe physical harm to the child, a sibling, or a half-sibling by a parent, and the court finds that it would not benefit the child to pursue reunification services with the offending parent or guardian.

A finding that reunification services shall not be offered, the whereabouts of a parent have been unknown for 6 months, the parent has failed to visit or contact the child for 6 months, the parent has been convicted of a felony indicating parental unfitness, or the court has continued to remove the child from the custody of the parent or guardian and has terminated reunification services, shall constitute a sufficient basis for termination of parental rights.

This is for California. Getting Canada involved creates a whole new dimension to the issue.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

FMLA doesn't kick in until you've been employed there for a year. I would still go to Canada, but can't count on the job being there due to FLMA.

Well, I only mentioned FLMA for a way to ease into going to Canada. Some people need to take small steps while still feeling connected to something. For example, if she could use the FLMA then she would still feel connected to having a job that she could go back to if she wanted it.

Anyway, I hope she goes to Canada (and stays there) because in the long run it will be better for her and the baby.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know that I am stirring it, but I would tell crazy chick's parents and his parents as well. Not the popular choice. JMHO.

I would WANT to however I would not because you have to look out for yourself and your baby. The 'girl gone wild' is an adult and she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

Sometimes you need to sit back and "see" how your spouse and the cheating party behave. Better to be a ninja right now.

They will be expecting OP to "lash out" and frankly let's face it, that is part of the "excitement" of the affair. So, looking at it that way, ignoring their shenanigans is probably in your best interest until you are safely out of the house.

Then you document, document, document and plan for an escape route.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Just checking in For an update from OP. I hope everything is OK.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Just checking in For an update from OP. I hope everything is OK.

I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.

 

[abdmom]

I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.

I know I am.

 

[ForAandA]

I think we're all anxiously waiting to hear what her lawyer has to say tomorrow.

Same here. Sending thoughts and prayers to you OP. It will get better!

 

[PrincessNancy96]

Good luck tomorrow OP. I have been thinking of you and your precious little one.. stay strong..

 

[Halloweenqueen]

No flames, but I've been thinking of the poor OP's situation today.

We have made her husband out to be the scum of the Earth, but is he? Haven't we all had doubts when it comes to parenting?

Maybe the OP knew things were not going right for a long time. She didn't know about the affair, but maybe she just sensed their marriage wasn't strong. I can believe how her husband might think she intentionally got pregnant to keep him.

I'm not saying that is true. I know there are birth control failures, but the pill IS 99% effective when taken correctly.

I know many women that hoped their husbands would change with the addition of a child.

The OP stated that this affair was months of flirting before it became physical. Maybe her husband intensified his relationship with the wacko as a way of coping.

This reminds me of the movie Juno. The husband wasn't ready to settle down and be a father. He acted out and started flirting with Juno...a way to recapture his youth. He left his wife, in part, because he didn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family.

Yes, he did a terrible thing having an affair, but he is far from the devil himself.

I hope the OP gets good advice from her lawyer. Like I said before, I'm mostly concerned about the wacky girlfriend. I think the OP needs to give her husband the opportunity to formally make a choice. What he told her might have been a way to justify the affair. Maybe saying he didn't want to be a father was said out of guilt or anger.

Running away to Canada does not benefit this child. I've seen plenty of men (and women) who thought they didn't want to be a parent totally melt when their child is placed in their arms. Her husband should get the opportunity to make his choice. He is going to be financially responsible for this child. He should be able to have a say if he wants to parent him.