DisneyLovingMama said:
What would you do to save your marriage? A lot of what I've read about marriage saving is that if my DH refuses to change, I will have to be the one to change. I will have to make things more interesting. I have to satisfy his emotional needs more. But what if I feel like Ido everything now? I just want to whine and stomp my feet and say, "NO MORE!!"
When does changing for your mate become a "dangerous" situation? How do you "change" without feeling like you are losing part of yourself or who you are? If your DH is not willing to do anything, can you do it alone?
(going with the assumption that we are not talking about an abusive situation, but that you love your spouse and if he was putting more effort into your relationship, you would be content and want to stay married)
Probably the first thing I would do is to find out WHY your spouse is unwilling to do anything? What is bothering him so much that he is not putting any effort in? He obviously did at some point or you would never have been married in the first place, so what changed? Is there a possibility that you have expected so little that he is used to not having to do anything?
I think what people don't seem to understand, when it comes to working on your marriage, is that you can only control your own actions and reactions.
That is why any counsellor will talk to you about what YOU are doing, how YOU feel, how YOU can make changes in your life. They aren't going to dwell on what your spouse does, but your reaction to it.
Your actions and reactions DO affect the atmosphere of the marriage and CAN result in the actions you want from your spouse. It's a matter of learning how to let go of the competitive part of your relationship. (ie keeping score of who is doing 'more')
Let's be honest, if you polled any given person, they would say that they do enough and perhaps even more than they should have to do. Everyone believes they are putting in the effort required. Most people feel they go above and beyond. Ask their spouse and you may get an entirely different opinion, LOL.
IMO, what really starts the frustration is when you are doing what you think your spouse wants and they aren't (in turn) doing what YOU want them to do. People tend to do for each other what they WANT others to do for them, instead of finding out what the spouse really wants/expects.
For example, lets say what makes you really happy and content is if your spouse does "A" for you. Since we like "A" so much, we do it for them all of the time. Well, spouse really likes "B"...so that is what they do for you. You don't want "B", nor do you need "B"...but all you get is "B". So, you are unhappy. Not only that, your spouse is unhappy because they aren't getting "B" from you. "A" is ok, but they really want "B".
Now, neither of you feels understood and you both are not getting your needs met. You feel your spouse should automatically KNOW that "A" is what you want. Or that they should know how important it is to you. They feel the same way about "B".
The point is, it's really important to communicate what you want and to really listen to what they want. Sometimes that takes saying things in a way they can really understand. Often we just nag and complain instead of actually just talking about what we want, without accusations involved. If you feel that you are not getting what you want/need...you end up frustrated and less likely to be giving to the other person. When that happens, THEY are also frustrated and less likely to be doing what YOU want.
That is how your reactions/actions can be changed to have a positive affect on your marriage. This is why people always talk about making personal changes to work on your marriage. because often it creates a domino effect that results in a happy marriage, for both partners.
I know it sounds simplified and life is more complicated. But it really works unless there is no love left and the other spouse really does not want to be married. Sometimes they will not put the effort in. You can do nothing about that and sometimes you need to walk away. I would not do that without a fight. Without trying everything possible to create the changes I needed. Very often, both people need to make those changes. You have to start somewhere.
I wish you luck in your marriage and that you can both come to a point where you are both satisfied. (sorry for such a long post, LOL)
