Your Opinions, Please

[dandave]

I very rarely ask for opinions, but this one is very important to me. My son got an "N" on his report card in behavior. I wrote the following letter, which I plan to send in on Monday with the signed report card. I think it sounds OK and DH thinks it sounds OK, but I'm hoping for some other opinions.
I've been angrier than heck all weekend. This teacher spoke with me about this subject (very vaguely) a few weeks ago, and I told her that I would discuss it with my son. My son feels as if she is trying to force him to "like everybody".
Well, *I* sure don't like everybody, and I choose not to socialize with those I dislike. I'm certainly not going to force him to pretend to like those he does not. He is an excellent student as far as grades go, but he is just particular in who he chooses to call "friend".
I'm planning on taking the worst "flaming post" and rewriting the letter from there. Thanks in advance!



Dear Mrs. X,
I was very concerned to see that Y received an "N' along with the comment " Often does not get along well with others" on his report card.
I am well aware of the fact that Y does not get along with Z. Z has been for many weeks, giving me a "report" on Y's behavior after school almost daily. As you know, I pick up my children by standing at the front of the school, and Z is a car rider. Therefore, Z is able to speak with me prior to getting into the car rider line.
Z's reports range from "Y was nice to me today. A+. Deserves a piece of pie", to "Very bad!". On the bad report days, Y had apparently chosen not to play with Z.
Y has asked Z, in my presence, on more than one occasion to just leave him alone. At this, Z becomes understandably sad and somewhat angry.
Z seems like a very sweet child to me. Y does not care for him, however. Y is very particular in who he does and does not like. He chooses not to socialize with those people he does not like, and he asks them to just leave him alone. I believe that is his right. If he asks a child to leave him alone and the child refuses, then that would mean that Y is on the defensive and not the offensive.
If Y asks a child repeatedly to "leave him alone" and that child refuses, then I consider that harassment. While I did find a bullet statement in the "****** District Schools Code of Student Conduct and Discipline" leaflet prohibiting harassment, I found nothing regarding refusal to be friends and play with classmates.
If this problem goes beyond Y's refusal to play with those whom he does not wish to play, then please let me know.

Thank You,

 

[annemariec]

After reading your letter, I understand your concerns. I'd be inclined to call and discuss the issue over the phone (or arrange a meeting to discuss it.) It would be good to find out exactly what reason the teacher had for giving your child that mark. Without knowing for sure it's hard to address properly. JMHO.

Good luck,
Annemarie

 

[Beauty]

Hummm How old are these kids??? That will help me better understand. If they are very young, 1st, 2nd grade I can see why the teachers would want everyone to try and get along. Kids can be so hurtful and the other child may just not understand why your son doesn't like him and thats why he pushes.

Now once they are older it becomes much clearer who likes who and who doesn't get along but at a young age at least if she tells everyone they have to try and get along she is setting the right example.

Again kids are hurt soooooo easily!!!

 

[dandave]

These children are in the 1st grade.
I hope my posts from here on out do not sound curt, but I'm trying not to put too much of me and my emotions in here. I hope you all understand.

 

[DopeyRN]

I tried to understand...did Y become X? I am serious, not trying to be a smartie. Anyway, I would ask for a discussion with the teacher. I would try NOT to bring Z into the discussion to start with...it seems to me you are assuming this report has to do with Z...and that might not be the case. Let the teacher state her position and take it from there. Finally, understand that it may be a case where the teacher simply does not like your child, and she is too immature to deal with it...I went through this with my second child in 2nd grade...nothing my son did was right in her eyes...while it was NOT a fun year, we DID make it through...good luck!

 

[dandave]

DopeyRN, I got kind of confused with the X, Y, Z's, as well.
My son doesn't like this kid, but this kid likes DS and gets all tattle-taley when my DS won't play with him. I hope that helps.

 

[Ella2]

I wouldn't try and put all of that in a note...I would send a note to the teacher and request a short conference to discuss the "N" in behavior.

At that age, honestly, the "Ns" don't mean a whole lot...just means the teacher notices something that needs improvement. I wouldn't stress about it at all, but I would want to sit down with the teacher and hear EXACTLY what her concerns are. That's also a good time to let her know if there are issues with other kids as well.

Good luck.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I think your letter is well thought out and states your concerns clearly. However, I think that for a vague behavor issue like this one, you and the teacher probably won't be able to really understand each other unless you sit down and discuss things in person, so that would be the best place to start IMHO.

Hope things work out well.

 

[disykat]

I think it would be worth asking the teacher if it has to do with this other child. Then you can let her know your concerns that this child is pestering your child. I think you should encourage your child to be kind and polite to the other child - but that can certainly include a polite "I don't want to play right now".

There are times in school when he will have to socialize with someone he doesn't like. Sharing equipment, work projects, p.e. games, etc. I do agree that he shouldn't have to always play with or be best friends with someone he doesn't care for though. The teacher should be helping to facilitate this "relationship" not only by requiring your son to be kind, but also by steering this other child toward other friendships and requiring him not to be a pest.

 

[kilee]

You need to discuss this with the teacher. Is it just because your child doesn't want to play w/ little johnny. It could go further than that. Irregardless of who our friends are, we may have to work w/ other's we don't always like. I would definelty find out if your child has had issues working w/ this child. That leads to a whole other issue. I mean how much playing are they doing during class time to base an entire negative comment on a report card?

 

[dandave]

I think I fixed all the X, Y, and Z's in my original post. What a mess, and I just realized why it was so confusing. It's so much easier when names are there, but I don't want to invade the privacy of these individuals.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

With something of this nature I wouldn't send a letter in that much detail and would request a formal conference. More like you are very concerned with the "N" and want to speak with her about it.

I always get to the bottom of the story before I put something in writing. Sometimes it leads things off track, ie you want resolution.

 

[Tinkbell]

I teach first and yes, feelings get hurt really easy. Definitely ask for a conference about this issue. The letter is overly detailed for the teacher. Tell her your concerns face to face. You should hear more details from the teacher too. Does your son play alone? Is he playing with others and trying to keep the other boy out of the group? Does he insult the other boy? There's a lot of issues in first grade.

There's a lot of this kind of behavior during the end of the school year. I tell my class that they don't have to like everyone, but they do have to be respectful. I let them know that even I don't get along with some adults, but I do have to treat them respectfully.

 

[Lynn CC]

I would make an appointment with the teacher and talk to her instead of the letter, this way you can see her reaction.
I think that by you son choosing his friends wisely will serve him well as he gets older,that is a very important and wonderful tool. Afterall you don't want him to like everyone as he gets older he will have to choose the friends that are going down the "right" path...the way in which it sounds like your son will go!
My DS 17 only chose to keep in touch with a couple of friends out of school,along the way he has disassociated himself with many of the friends he thought he wanted to be friends with.
He says he doesn't snub them in school, just doesn't get involved with, he will speak to them if they say hi or something.
So, I have to say I kind of disagree with the teacher and it sounds like she doesn't have a handle on the situation.
In this instance I would make it a point to let DS know how you feel, it's a good topic to sit down and discuss together!
{HUGS} to you both

 

[Disney Doll]

I ahve to be honest dandave (and I am speaking as a person who does not have children, which may color your opinion of what I have to say, so I want it known up front):

If I was a teacher and received that note from you, I'd be rolling my eyes thinking "another parent who thinks their kid is never at fault". Your note is curt and defensive. You haven't even spoken with the teacher yet, you haven't even heard her observations about why she feels that this is an issue for your son, you have done nothing other than look up in the "rule book" why YOUR child isn't wrong. Did you stop to think that perhaps the teacher, since she does have some experience in child development, may be noticing something in your son that she wants to point out to you? Your note will do nothing but set up an adevrsarial relatoinship between you, your son's teacher, and probably the school because chances are, before all is said and done, you'll be going to the principal.

Why don't you, instead, just request a parent teacher conference and try to fgo nto it with an open mind that maybe the teacher is trying to help your son instead of that she's picking on him, and ddoesn't know the rules for behavior.

 

[shortbun]

I'm with ya DanDave! Teachers want to force inclusion and
make children be friends. While I don't allow DS to be rude to
his peers, I have made it very clear to him that he does not have
to include everyone on his list of friends. Some children are very
hard to befriend; those children, I ask DS to try very hard to
be nice to and understand. It sounds like Z is precocious and
knows that Y is being irritated with him or her. That constitutes
obnoxious behavior IMHO and your child should not have to
put up with it. On the other hand, this is the time to teach
your child very thoroughly how to be polite, gracious and about
empathy. Does Z have no friends? Are there other children Y
has chosen not to befriend? Does Y run around saying "I'm not
going to be your friend!" or "You can't be my friend!"? Kids can
be brutal because they do not understand how to reject someone
politely or just walk away. Y should not have to give up his other
friends just to get away from Z. If Y needs help, certainly so does
Z and a talk with the teacher rather than this letter would be
better. I'd write her a note saying I wanted a conference asap
regarding Y's grade card and make it as simple as that. Also,
most school districts ask teachers not to discuss other children
with people not their parents or guardians so be prepared to
have a discussion in somewhat abstract. Hope you get this
worked out. I would not discuss this with my DS, a second grader, until I was clear on exactly what the teachers concerns
were. Projection might lead to confusion.

 

[dandave]

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your honest opinions. I had the gut feeling that my letter was a bit much, and that's why I wanted others' opinions. I appreciate it.

 

[bumcat]

I had a similar problem many yrs ago when my dd was in elem. school. I have taught my kids to stay away from those that make them real uncomfortable (clinging, touching, etc.). My dd would sit in a circle during story time and one girl would always sit by her and would not stop touching her all over! My dd would get up and move to another area. Teacher got mad and had my dd write 50 times, I will be nice. Teacher did not ask my dd why she moved.

I called the teacher and asked her if she sits and eats her lunch in the teachers lounge with other teachers that she does not care for. Her answer was no. I told her then don't try and force my child to sit next to someone that makes her very uncomfortable. Turns out she did not know this other girl kept touching my child (this was 4th graders). Had she known she would not have made her write that 50 times. She said other kids were very rude to this child. I asked her had my child ever been rude to her and she said no. I told her getting up and sitting somewhere else is not rude considering the girl would not stop touching . She agreed.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree that there is sometimes more to a story, which is why a teachers conference is a good first step.

 

[Pembo]

Don't send a letter, make an appt with the teacher and the principal. You will be taken much more seriously. My son was being bullied in 1st grade. (His teacher told me "she never saw any of the behavior I was describing ) I talked to the principal and it got handled right away.

Personally I think an "N" on the report card definitely warrants a conference!