Young adult children at home and dating

[Tiggeroo]

How do you deal with your adult children's dating life when they are living at home. I currently have two young adults at home, one 23, one 26. They are finishing up some schooling. They have both lived on their own in the past. They pay a small rent, pay their own bills and are responsible and independent and working at least full time. They both have a serious SO. I am generally in bed when they come in with their dates and don't go checking doors at night to see when the dates leave. But I'm not comfortable with them having guests spend the night in their rooms. I am not naive and consider my kids semi-adults. Not quite full adults in my mind because they are not fully financially independent although they could be if I told them to leave.
So, have you dealt with this? Did you set rules?

 

[minkydog]

Your house, your rules. We had to deal with this when DS24 and my foster son, also 24 were living with us. I was not comfortable with having sleepover dates so we just laid that on the line. They also had a tendency to come in very late and start cooking and carrying on with their friends. We had to put a stop to that because it was waking us up, upsetting the dog, and causing me and DH anxiety about having God knows who walking around in our house at night. The guys didn't love it, but they accepted the rules. DS moved out first and foster son followed not long after that. Now they both live in their own homes and they can stay up and party or sleep with whoever they want.

 

[Uncle Remus]

How do you deal with your adult children's dating life when they are living at home. I currently have two young adults at home, one 23, one 26. They are finishing up some schooling. They have both lived on their own in the past. They pay a small rent, pay their own bills and are responsible and independent and working at least full time. They both have a serious SO. I am generally in bed when they come in with their dates and don't go checking doors at night to see when the dates leave. But I'm not comfortable with them having guests spend the night in their rooms. I am not naive and consider my kids semi-adults. Not quite full adults in my mind because they are not fully financially independent although they could be if I told them to leave.
So, have you dealt with this? Did you set rules?

Your kids sound pretty responsible, why not just tell 'em how you feel?

 

[Tiggeroo]

We don't technically have sleepover dates. But I'm in bed when they come in and nobody is here when dh gets up, earrrly. They don't wake us up being loud or make a mess. But I suspect that the date is hanging in their room until 4am, or they could be. The thing is telling them their friends need to leave at midnight wouldn't change any sexual behavior, obviously. Dh and i both work and everybody works different hours so there are plenty of times when the house is empty if that's what they wanted to do. I'm just trying to decide what rules to set.
Also, dd's bf's mother is very sick with cancer and he lives two hours from here. He frequently comes to town to help his mother and check in on his father and make sure he is eating. He also comes down to help drive his mother to treatments. (he is a wonderful son) He can't always stay at his parents due to extended family also being their to help. So he stays here and sleeps on our sofa. But I'm also not able to check in to make sure he's there all night and really I just can't do it. I guess I'm feeling like a bad parent because it's possible that I'm lazily sleeping and therefore condoning something. My kids are pretty decent. If I said here is a set of rules, they'd do it. I'm just not sure what they should be other then no sleep overs.
It was much easier when they were three years old.

 

[Uncle Remus]

We don't technically have sleepover dates. But I'm in bed when they come in and nobody is here when dh gets up, earrrly. They don't wake us up being loud or make a mess. But I suspect that the date is hanging in their room until 4am, or they could be. The thing is telling them their friends need to leave at midnight wouldn't change any sexual behavior, obviously. Dh and i both work and everybody works different hours so there are plenty of times when the house is empty if that's what they wanted to do. I'm just trying to decide what rules to set.
Also, dd's bf's mother is very sick with cancer and he lives two hours from here. He frequently comes to town to help his mother and check in on his father and make sure he is eating. He also comes down to help drive his mother to treatments. (he is a wonderful son) He can't always stay at his parents due to extended family also being their to help. So he stays here and sleeps on our sofa. But I'm also not able to check in to make sure he's there all night and really I just can't do it. I guess I'm feeling like a bad parent because it's possible that I'm lazily sleeping and therefore condoning something. My kids are pretty decent. If I said here is a set of rules, they'd do it. I'm just not sure what they should be other then no sleep overs.
It was much easier when they were three years old.

If he's appearing to sleep on your sofa, it sounds like your dd already knows your position re: sexual activity in your home.

I'm not tryin' to be argumentative here, but why call your wishes rules? Maybe you oughta see what your kids actually do 'n then tell 'em hey, knock it off, I don't want folks to think I'm condonin' that crap.

 

[MichelleVW]

How do you deal with your adult children's dating life when they are living at home. I currently have two young adults at home, one 23, one 26. They are finishing up some schooling. They have both lived on their own in the past. They pay a small rent, pay their own bills and are responsible and independent and working at least full time. They both have a serious SO. I am generally in bed when they come in with their dates and don't go checking doors at night to see when the dates leave. But I'm not comfortable with them having guests spend the night in their rooms. I am not naive and consider my kids semi-adults. Not quite full adults in my mind because they are not fully financially independent although they could be if I told them to leave.
So, have you dealt with this? Did you set rules?

Honestly, if I wasn't comfortable with my two ADULT children having sleepovers in my house, I would tell them to move out. 23 and 26 are not semi adults, they are adults. I didn't even have my kids that young, and I had 2 children by then.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How do you deal with your adult children's dating life when they are living at home. I currently have two young adults at home, one 23, one 26. They are finishing up some schooling. They have both lived on their own in the past. They pay a small rent, pay their own bills and are responsible and independent and working at least full time. They both have a serious SO. I am generally in bed when they come in with their dates and don't go checking doors at night to see when the dates leave. But I'm not comfortable with them having guests spend the night in their rooms. I am not naive and consider my kids semi-adults. Not quite full adults in my mind because they are not fully financially independent although they could be if I told them to leave.
So, have you dealt with this? Did you set rules?

At 23 and 26 esp, I would have no problem with the having their long term SO's spend the night, esp. if they are paying rent.

Now if they are single and what to bring home a different person every night of the week, um, nope.

Frankly I expect my kids to move out with their SO's. Why don't they live together?

 

[Tiggeroo]

They're not ready to live together dd is looking for a real job and sons gf will be entering an intensive internship in the fall. I expect it is in the future just maybe a year away. We are conservatives but not prudes. We just don't want to feel like it's completely their place Kwim. Do you thnk I'm being too controlling?

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, they are adults so I'd probably have a conversation with them regarding what your comfort level is with their guests that stay in your home.

 

[Jennasis]

Like it or not your DD's ARE FULL ADULTS. However, your house your rules.

 

[bdoyledimou]

Varies from state to state but , if they pay rent, as you admitted, then you , as their landlord, cannot interfere with their privacy, or presonal enjoyment of their space, including but not limited to occasional guests.

what happens behind closed doors is none of your business, whether its your house or not.

Unpopular or not.. check your your state landlord and tenant act. (oh and yes, adult children living at home fall under this act)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They're not ready to live together dd is looking for a real job and sons gf will be entering an intensive internship in the fall. I expect it is in the future just maybe a year away. We are conservatives but not prudes. We just don't want to feel like it's completely their place Kwim. Do you thnk I'm being too controlling?

What do you mean by "not ready"? Do you mean they cannot afford it?

Where are the SO's living now?

 

[Planogirl]

It sounds like they might actually be following your rules already. No sleepovers and it sounds like they don't make a mess or bother you with noise. Do you think that their SO's should leave at a certain time or that the BF shouldn't sleep on the couch? It's not really clear what it is you want.

 

[disykat]

Varies from state to state but , if they pay rent, as you admitted, then you , as their landlord, cannot interfere with their privacy, or presonal enjoyment of their space, including but not limited to occasional guests.

what happens behind closed doors is none of your business, whether its your house or not.

Unpopular or not.. check your your state landlord and tenant act. (oh and yes, adult children living at home fall under this act)

Hogwash. Unless they have some sort of formal agreement and rent that would realistically reflect the market rate, this would be laughed out of court.

 

[LisaR]

Varies from state to state but , if they pay rent, as you admitted, then you , as their landlord, cannot interfere with their privacy, or presonal enjoyment of their space, including but not limited to occasional guests.

what happens behind closed doors is none of your business, whether its your house or not.

Unpopular or not.. check your your state landlord and tenant act. (oh and yes, adult children living at home fall under this act)

She can throw her kids out to the curb at any point and time if they aren't abiding by her rules or just because she wants to (not that I am suggesting that). A real landlord/tenant situation would involve an actual lease. One can assume there isn't a binding lease in this case.

 

[LuvLDM]

I'm not sure I understand your concern, they pay rent & seem to be considerate of the fact that they are living in your home?
They aren't having sleepovers, so what rule is it that you would like to enforce?

 

[Longsx3]

She can throw her kids out to the curb at any point and time if they aren't abiding by her rules or just because she wants to (not that I am suggesting that). A real landlord/tenant situation would involve an actual lease. One can assume there isn't a binding lease in this case.

Not in the state of Floirda, she would have to evict her sons...she can't just kick them out....in fact they don't have to be paying rent but contributing. My DSis could not get her boyfriend out, who had been in her house 2 weeks and contributed by buying groceries.

We have an 18 yr boy living with us, his parents kicked him out a week after he turned 18...sheriffs dept said it was not a legal eviction and suggested we take it to court.

 

[Longsx3]

Frankly Op it sounds like you kids are abiding by your rules, unless they become a problem I would say nothing.

 

[Aisling]

Well, they are adults so I'd probably have a conversation with them regarding what your comfort level is with their guests that stay in your home.

I agree. Just tell them it feels weird to you, if that's how it feels. I'm going through this with my two sons, ages 19 and 25. Before the 25 year old was engaged, I had a midnight rule, no girlfriend in his room after midnight. Yes, he was paying rent and was a legal adult, but it felt uncomfortable for me and my husband to know my son had a girl in his room at 1 AM when we were in our bedroom right next to his. Thus, the midnight rule. They had to go downstairs to the living room sort of out in public, even though it was private since we were already in bed. Now that my son is engaged, and we have come to know and love his fiancee', there are no rules. DH and I aren't uncomfortable if she's in his room all night, but mainly beca7use we already feel comfortable with her as part of the family.

My 19 yea old has been with his girlfriend for a year, serious now it seems. She lives in Florida, we live in NY. When she comes to visit, she stays with her grandmother but basically is here until 2 or 3 in the morning. The midnight rule applies...out of the bedroom and into the living room, only because we're still in the "feeling weird" phase with her, knowing our n19 year old has a girl in his room late at night while my husband and I are nearby in our own bedroom. I feel like when we're over the "feeling weird" stage we'll not mind the 19/20 year old girlfriend in his room late at night.

By the way, both girls have never spent the whole night.

I have to admit I do have moral, religious feelings that make me want to say "this is my house, no sex in my house", but I also admit I've put that aside, as long as they abide by the midnight-in-the-livingroom rule. I don't know if they're having sex, but I'm not naive and know it's likely or at least possible. But I don't want to dwell on that.

Anyway, sorry to be so long, but just anted to share with the OP. Again, just tell them it's uncomfortable for you.

Please excuse the typos; I'm typing in a room lit only by my tv.

 

[cheermom1]

I would think that you raised them to know what your comfort level is and what acceptable in your home. They are adults let them be adults. What I mean is unless you see them doing something that you know they know you are not comfortable with then say something but until then I would trust that I did a great job in raising great adults.

Just like I told my dd to respect my wishes on doing that sort of thing in my home and so far she has. Just fyi my dd an adult now.