Young adult children at home and dating

[shortbun]

They're not ready to live together dd is looking for a real job and sons gf will be entering an intensive internship in the fall. I expect it is in the future just maybe a year away. We are conservatives but not prudes. We just don't want to feel like it's completely their place Kwim. Do you thnk I'm being too controlling?

I think your children are attemptng to respect your 'wishes' and to me, that is good. I'd leave it alone because it sounds like they love you and understand what you want. You might be wrong about your suspicions so don't go there. Imho, your children are adults. They are old and they are paying you rent and their own bills. It's nice to have them around, right? If you don't want them there, ask them to find a place together and tell them it's time for them to fly. Either way, you need to get comfortable. Frankly, I'd be delighted that my kids were so respectful of appearances.

 

[golfgal]

I think you need to really define what your issue is, is it the SO sleeping over or is it the girls having sex (and do you know for sure they are?). If it is just the "sleeping over" part then it sounds like your girls are following your lead on that. If it is having sex, well, not much you can do about that but you can tell them you aren't comfortable with them having sex in your house. At their ages though, I don't know that I would really do anything about it personally. It would be a lot different if they were 18 but at their ages many people are married and have kids.

 

[bellarella]

So you have no evidence that anything is going on? And you admit setting "rules" isn't going to change their sexual behavior?

Then what's the problem? These are adult children. If you don't like them living in your house, give them a time by which they need to leave. If you don't have a problem with them living there, then be satisfied that they are "keeping up appearances" and stay out of their sexual lives.

Really, what good is setting up a "rule" going to do? It doesn't seem that you would know one way or another whether they are following it, since you have no evidence right now that they are "breaking" the unspoken one.

I do agree, your house, your rules. But you haven't said that you've walked in on them or have any actual reason to think that anything is going on. For children in their 20s, I see no reason to set "rules" for behavior you have not actually seen any evidence that it's going on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly bottom line, if you feel the need to have to put more "rules" on your adult children, you should probably tell them to move out.

 

[kamik86]

I don't understand the problem.

I am 24. Before I was married I stayed at my BF, my BF stayed at my house once or twice overnight too. I was married at 22 so younger then your kids are now.

I would understand if they were bringing in friends as having random people in the house would bother me. If they were bringing random people home as dates that would bother me. But I am assuming these are steady boyfriends since you gave some background one one of them... so why would it matter? You know it wont' change their behavior. You know they could just be hanging out together and that you dont know what if anything you wouldn't like is even happening. Actually what is it that you wouldn't like? you already said they are probably having sex.... So what don't you want them doing?

If I'm wrong and someone is bringing in random people you don't know well then I could see your concern.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

I see where you are coming from, simply from a privacy standpoint.

Having adult children in the home is one thing, but them having guests starts to make the home feel smaller Now add that they are having overnight guests and eeek! Unless you live in a humongous home, it could be a bit overwhelming having many adults in it at one time.

 

[luvmy3]

They're not ready to live together dd is looking for a real job and sons gf will be entering an intensive internship in the fall. I expect it is in the future just maybe a year away. We are conservatives but not prudes. We just don't want to feel like it's completely their place Kwim. Do you thnk I'm being too controlling?

You don't want your adult children (who pay rent) to feel like their home is comletely their place? IMO, I think thats a little too controling, but I have a different opinion on the whole I'm the parent, it's MY house thing, especially when we are talking about 23 and 26 year olds that contribute by paying rent, and taking care of their own bills themselves. It sounds like they are being pretty respectful of your wishes, I wouldn't do anything except maybe let them know how you feel so they continue to be respectful. Although, if you seriously feel that its not completely their place, maybe its time they move out and find one that is.

 

[FINFAN]

As someone just entering into this stage, I don't have much advice, but I can share with you something funny my friend said/did. She called seeing if I wanted to grab lunch, maybe the mall. I was around so I said sure, what the heck. We were walking past Macy's and she said, well, _________(graduated from college) is staying at home indefinitely while looking for work, and her BF I guess is part of the deal. Time to buy decent PJ's and a good robe." I loved that she took it in stride, had humor, and honestly, the BF was there late on some weekend nights, but during the week not so much. DD's BF has stayed over on occaision,(and he gets the couch, so a floor below our room) but we usually know ahead of time so that helps. I agree, talk with your kids, leave a note if you don't want to upset them face to face...so they have a heads up. The biggest issue I have seen friends go thru is the disruption of sleep for work, cars in the way in the morning when trying to leave, nuisance type things that can get old real quick. For the most part tho, sounds like you have great kids and kinda nice you get to have this extra time with them before they are on their own.
So, I guess, you can join our group who now says, "Time to go PJ shopping" when we have that situation happen.

 

[eliza61]

Op, another vote for simply sharing your feelings. My kids are not that old yet but I moved back in with my parents after grad school until I landed a full time job.

My mother was a serious Catholic, I knew she did not approve of premarital sex. IMO, it simply was a matter of respect and love. even though I did have a steady bf, it was my parents house and sorry even though I was an adult contributing, I simply could not knowingly do some thing that I knew would hurt my parents.

LOL, believe me there hasn't been a young adult born who has not found a way to get their "groove on". this is a creative bunch.

 

[Styx Fan]

For sure you have a right to be comfortable in your own home. But before you speak with them you should really think about what exactly it is that makes you uncomfortable. And I sure wouldn't say there was a rule, since they seem to be very mature and respectful. Just tell them what you would like...in an adult to adult manner. If they are as mature as they seem, they will respect your request.

I would hope however you would cut some slack and help out the BF that is helping the sick parents. A spot on your couch is surely not too much to offer a man who is being a dutiful son. This is a totally different situation than just a "date" staying very late or sleeping over. You are doing him a great service as he must need the support of your daughter. I still lived at home at that age when my mother spent 3 years battling and losing to cancer. But if I was living away I would have hoped for support from my BF family.

 

[sparks19]

They are adults. Tell them your rules... no sleeping in the same bed under your roof and then just trust them to do that instead of worrying every night that maybe they aren't obeying the rules. IF you find out that they aren't obeying your rules then deal with it then but certainly don't do things to try to catch them in the act.

Your house, your rules... if they dont' like them then they are free to get their own place.

I was 18 when I had my first real long term boyfriend and my mom made it perfectly clear that there was no sleeping in the same bed... of course I sneaked him in once in a while tsk tsk. At 20 years of age I lived with my dad and the rule was the same. If you aren't planning on getting married soon... then you don't need to sleep in the same bed LOL. my parents weren't prudes either but they had rules. sometimes I broke the rules but I KNEW what the rules were and my parents weren't trying to sneak around to catch me.

so don't assume your kids aren't obeying the rules and don't sneak around to try to catch them with their long term SO's.

when I met my now hubby he lived in PA and I lived in Ontario Canada so when he would visit we would just rent a hotel room for the duration of his stay lol. Then we were still obeying the house rules of no sleeping in the same bed under my dads roof. but I was an adult (still am an adult supposedly lol) and if I want to rent a hotel room with my b/f I can do so and still obey the no co sleeping in my dads house.

 

[ols386]

If your kids are adult enough to have sleep-overs at your house, then I would think they are adult enough to get their own place.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell your adult kids how you feel about it.

Also, if you don't want them having their SOs sleep-over, then they should not be sleeping-over. It's your house.

 

[dngnb8]

How do you deal with your adult children's dating life when they are living at home. I currently have two young adults at home, one 23, one 26. They are finishing up some schooling. They have both lived on their own in the past. They pay a small rent, pay their own bills and are responsible and independent and working at least full time. They both have a serious SO. I am generally in bed when they come in with their dates and don't go checking doors at night to see when the dates leave. But I'm not comfortable with them having guests spend the night in their rooms. I am not naive and consider my kids semi-adults. Not quite full adults in my mind because they are not fully financially independent although they could be if I told them to leave.
So, have you dealt with this? Did you set rules?

Simple rule.

My DDs are 29 27. Rule was this.

You dont have sex in my house.

Go elsewhere.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Thanks so much for the help guys. The kids are good about at least keeping up appearances. They don't try to do sleep overs, unless I don't know about it. And you can have a no sex in my house rule but I would think you are probably kidding yourself unless somebody is home 24/7 and they're never in the house alone. I believe that this is their last year at home. The 26yo is considering several alternate career plans that might improve her work situation.
I don't try to catch them doing anything. I figure they're adults and ignorance is bliss. One of my sisters was making me feel guilty as she does not allow guests in bedrooms and nobody in the house after she goes to bed. She is telling me my kids are disrespectful.
We are trying to be a support system for the bf so he is welcome here. He has a good deal on his plate.
There are complications stopping them from moving out right now. I believe that will end soon and this will be the last year (or less) for the 26yo and soon for the other one as well. I don't have the money to pay a bunch for the schooling but I can give them a cheap place to live while they work to improve themselves.
When I say I don't want it to feel like it's their place I mean that it is easy when you have three children in their 20's for the house to feel more like a dorm then a home. DH and I want a comfortable place to live and our definition of that may not be the same as theirs. I want them to consider it home. But I do want them to desire to move out.
And lol to good pjs and a robe. No ratty sweatpants. I guess I wasn't sure what rules I wanted. I'm not my mother and don't have the same limits she did, but I'm not completely relaxed about everything either.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks so much for the help guys. The kids are good about at least keeping up appearances. They don't try to do sleep overs, unless I don't know about it. And you can have a no sex in my house rule but I would think you are probably kidding yourself unless somebody is home 24/7 and they're never in the house alone. I believe that this is their last year at home. The 26yo is considering several alternate career plans that might improve her work situation.
I don't try to catch them doing anything. I figure they're adults and ignorance is bliss. One of my sisters was making me feel guilty as she does not allow guests in bedrooms and nobody in the house after she goes to bed. She is telling me my kids are disrespectful.
We are trying to be a support system for the bf so he is welcome here. He has a good deal on his plate.
There are complications stopping them from moving out right now. I believe that will end soon and this will be the last year (or less) for the 26yo and soon for the other one as well. I don't have the money to pay a bunch for the schooling but I can give them a cheap place to live while they work to improve themselves.
When I say I don't want it to feel like it's their place I mean that it is easy when you have three children in their 20's for the house to feel more like a dorm then a home. DH and I want a comfortable place to live and our definition of that may not be the same as theirs. I want them to consider it home. But I do want them to desire to move out.
And lol to good pjs and a robe. No ratty sweatpants. I guess I wasn't sure what rules I wanted. I'm not my mother and don't have the same limits she did, but I'm not completely relaxed about everything either.

Tell your sister to shut her pie hole. Seriously you are feeling guilty because of her yap?

Sounds like things are fine as it stands to be honest. Don't change a thing.

 

[RitaE]

So let me ask you this. Is the problem that you really are uncomfortable with the way things are, or is the problem that your sister is trying to make you feel like SHOULD have a problem? Because how your house runs isn't really any of your sisters business. Have you talked about it with your husband?

I have an almost 21yo and he has a long-time girlfriend who is often over here in the wee hours of the morning on weekends. As far as I know they don't come upstairs to the bedrooms, but there is an unused bedroom down in the basement. They might use it. They probably have. But if they do I'd better not be stuck with any sign of it including dirty sheets if you know what I mean.

My feeling is this. Treat my house with respect especially in concerns with noise and mess, be discrete especially around the younger siblings, and most of all don't wake me up or involve ME in your sex life, whatever that might be, which I really don't want to know. That's how adults in my house are expected to act.

21yo is really too old for bedtimes and curfews and I'm too old and tired to have to enforce a bunch of rules on adults.

 

[Tiggeroo]

So let me ask you this. Is the problem that you really are uncomfortable with the way things are, or is the problem that your sister is trying to make you feel like SHOULD have a problem? Because how your house runs isn't really any of your sisters business. Have you talked about it with your husband?

I have an almost 21yo and he has a long-time girlfriend who is often over here in the wee hours of the morning on weekends. As far as I know they don't come upstairs to the bedrooms, but there is an unused bedroom down in the basement. They might use it. They probably have. But if they do I'd better not be stuck with any sign of it including dirty sheets if you know what I mean.

My feeling is this. Treat my house with respect especially in concerns with noise and mess, be discrete especially around the younger siblings, and most of all don't wake me up or involve ME in your sex life, whatever that might be, which I really don't want to know. That's how adults in my house are expected to act.

21yo is really too old for bedtimes and curfews and I'm too old and tired to have to enforce a bunch of rules on adults.

Yep this is how I feel. I'm too tired and busy to play police with adults. And my kids have given me no reason to believe they're irresponsible. But this is a topic among many coworkers and family my age. Mostly it appears I'm in the minority and they would never allow an arrangement like this in their home. Maybe they're lying. Also my home has a unique arrangement that allows a good deal of privacy. It's laid out sort of in wings. My kids have bedroom doors that open onto a deck so they and their friends can come and go as they please.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep this is how I feel. I'm too tired and busy to play police with adults. And my kids have given me no reason to believe they're irresponsible. But this is a topic among many coworkers and family my age. Mostly it appears I'm in the minority and they would never allow an arrangement like this in their home. Maybe they're lying. Also my home has a unique arrangement that allows a good deal of privacy. It's laid out sort of in wings. My kids have bedroom doors that open onto a deck so they and their friends can come and go as they please.

Why do you care what others think? They do not live your life.

 

[Freyja]

Your house, your rules. However, in my opinion your DDs are adults. Personally I would have no trouble with my children´s long term boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night.

 

[kim929]

I could be wrong but it sounds to me that your basically ok with them having their long term SO stay occasionally but it's the guilt of being the "good" parent and what would the neighbors think mentality. How our parents would never have allowed it. And your looking for someone to say its fine. It is your house, they are adults. It you really didn't want them to have guests, you wouldn't be able to sleep knowing they are out there.
If you feel you must have rules, tell them not to flaunt it in front of you. you don't want to run into a half naked person in the kitchen, or see clothes making a trail to the bedroom.