Yet another WWYD OT post

[jellybeans0607]

I have an 8yo daughter. She's a little social butterfly and luckily we have plenty of kids(boys and girls) in our little neighborhood for her to play with. During the summer she would be off with the kids everyday, back and forth between houses. Except on Monday and Tuesday, when her 9yo male cousin would come over.

We have always had him over every week because he even though he lives in a neighborhood with lots of kids, he doesnt have a single friend. He isn't allowed. Yes, he has "the" helicopter mom, i'm pretty sure there's a picture of her in the dictionary. We feel bad for him, so he comes here. Of course when he's here they have to stay in our yard. his mom would have a stroke if he were to even ride his bike in the street(i'm the last house on a dead end cul de sac). So the neighborhood kids will come and go. There are boys and girls, so he enjoys playing with these kids.

So here's the problem. Now that school is here, my daughter has less time to play with friends. We have other obligations on week ends and on Fridays. That leaves Mon, Tues, Wed and Thursday for her to play. Usually the kids are out from 4-6, so it isn't even all that much time. With her cousin here, she's stuck here, and she doesn't want to be. They used to be close, and i can see her starting to resent him. She doesn't want him here. I do understand they will grow further apart because they are the opposite sex, but for now that isn't what is bothering her. she doesn't want to be trapped here when she see's all her friends on bikes.

She asked this morning if he could not come over. I feel stuck. I hate to take his only social outlet away, but i also don't think it's fair to my child that she has to stay home if she clearly doesn't want to. Talking to his mom about this is useless, she isn't going to budge.

i'm sad that I have to do this, but I do think i'll have to stop bringing him over. Unless anyone has a better suggestion, I just don't know what to do.

 

[princessmom29]

I would simply tell his mom what the situation is. Your DD should not be obligated to sit home when these are not your rules. I would not say that he cannot come, but I would make his mom aware that if he does come DD will not be sitting at home with him. She can choose to allow him to go play or have him sit by himself. My guess is that she will either cave in and let him go play or stop bringing him over. DD has a friend whose parents are like this so I totally understand the feeling. My DD and this little girl are both 5 and the friend has NEVER spent a night away from home anywhere. Her parents have not had 1 night away since the day she was born. I don't even bother to ask for a play date because the will not let her out of their sight other than to go to school. My DD keeps asking to have her sleep over, and I keep putting her off because I don't want to get her hopes up as I know it will never happen. I refuse to limit my DD to their rules though so We have other friends to do those things with and sometimes this one gets left out of things b/c mom won't let her participate.

 

[NotUrsula]

Your house, your rules. If you are being trusted to watch cousin, you should be trusted to decide what appropriate play is for your DD and her guests.

I would tell your sibling (or if it's DH' sibling, he can deliver the news) that the kids will be doing whatever your DD normally does -- no restrictions unless it is for real health reasons, such as a life-threatening allergy or something like that. If you have to go to Wally World and buy a second bike/helmet, then do it.

 

[kloei423]

I agree with the last poster, let her know your house, your rules and you want him to continue to come over and play but that means he has the freedom your DD does.

 

[jellybeans0607]

She is my husbands sister.

Also we pick him up, or I do anyway. I get him when he gets off his bus then when we get home my daughter is usually just getting off hers. We have dinner, I do his homework with him, then I bring him home. He's very much like another child to me, he doesn't have the same kind of upbringing my children have. Not that i want to judge them, but he even tells me his mother won't read with him because he isnt good at it, so I read with him when he's here.
My heart breaks for this little boy


In one breath, I say I just can't bring him anymore, and then in the next I know I can't not bring him here.

My husband says to just let him go and he'll deal with his sister, but I won't lie.

aaarghhhh...I just want to scream!!!!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I guess I don't understand why you being outside with them isn't an option. Couldn't you sit on your stoop or whatever with a good book and keep an eye on him while he's playing with the neighborhood kids?

It seems like that would meet everyone's needs.

 

[Disney1976]

What about if you can show his mom that he won't get hurt and nothing bad will happen to them ride bikes and play with the other kids. Point out things like being on a dead-end, low car traffic, parents outside supervising, etc. Maybe if you "massage some fears" away, she'll feel better?

 

[jellybeans0607]

I guess I don't understand why you being outside with them isn't an option. Couldn't you sit on your stoop or whatever with a good book and keep an eye on him while he's playing with the neighborhood kids?

It seems like that would meet everyone's needs.

I can't always see them. We live off of a cul de sac. Theres the circle(one way in and one way out), then a short dead end road with 3 houses, i'm the last house. She doesn't trust him to go around the circle with the kids. The 3 houses with kids can't be seen from mine. But the kids will ride between houses, they never really stay in one spot. The ages of kids varies from 11-5. And the other moms are around.

 

[jellybeans0607]

What about if you can show his mom that he won't get hurt and nothing bad will happen to them ride bikes and play with the other kids. Point out things like being on a dead-end, low car traffic, parents outside supervising, etc. Maybe if you "massage some fears" away, she'll feel better?

Yeah, maybe if I start slow. Like syaing amybe today they could try just playing at Cameron's house and maybe he could ride his bike to and from Cam's house. Maybe work her up to letting him be normal?

 

[TwinsinCA]

My husband says to just let him go and he'll deal with his sister, but I won't lie.

I am glad to hear you do not agree with your husband on this issue. Your SIL has EVERY right to know what her son will be doing and then leave the choice up to her. To the SIL this clearly IS a safety issue. Letting kids run around outside unsupervised is not safe to some people. ( I don't let my kids do it. If that makes me a "helicopter" so be it. ) I do not blame you for wanting to put your daughter's needs first. But do not go behind your SIL's back to do it.

Can you just have him over less often? Once a week maybe or every other week so he doesn't feel totally cut off and your daughter has more time with her friends? I would not have him over and let your daughter take off as a PP suggested. That is just cruel. It would be better for him to not come at all.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think you should strike as much of a compromise as possible; get you SIL to back down as much as you possibly can with regard to letting the kids play independently, and also remind your dd that family is important and that her cousin needs to be a priority.

She DOES have other days to play outside the yard, he does not. It's not a bad lesson for her to learn some compassion and that it's not all about her. (Not that she thinks that now, not sure that came out right!)

It's a fine line; sounds like this mom needs a good reality check...but if you're too harsh with her she might just say her ds can't come over...and that's not going to benefit your nephew at all. Strike as good a balanace as you can.

 

[Rylee]

I have an 8yo daughter. She's a little social butterfly and luckily we have plenty of kids(boys and girls) in our little neighborhood for her to play with. During the summer she would be off with the kids everyday, back and forth between houses. Except on Monday and Tuesday, when her 9yo male cousin would come over.

We have always had him over every week because he even though he lives in a neighborhood with lots of kids, he doesnt have a single friend. He isn't allowed. Yes, he has "the" helicopter mom, i'm pretty sure there's a picture of her in the dictionary. We feel bad for him, so he comes here. Of course when he's here they have to stay in our yard. his mom would have a stroke if he were to even ride his bike in the street(i'm the last house on a dead end cul de sac). So the neighborhood kids will come and go. There are boys and girls, so he enjoys playing with these kids.

So here's the problem. Now that school is here, my daughter has less time to play with friends. We have other obligations on week ends and on Fridays. That leaves Mon, Tues, Wed and Thursday for her to play. Usually the kids are out from 4-6, so it isn't even all that much time. With her cousin here, she's stuck here, and she doesn't want to be. They used to be close, and i can see her starting to resent him. She doesn't want him here. I do understand they will grow further apart because they are the opposite sex, but for now that isn't what is bothering her. she doesn't want to be trapped here when she see's all her friends on bikes.

She asked this morning if he could not come over. I feel stuck. I hate to take his only social outlet away, but i also don't think it's fair to my child that she has to stay home if she clearly doesn't want to. Talking to his mom about this is useless, she isn't going to budge.

i'm sad that I have to do this, but I do think i'll have to stop bringing him over. Unless anyone has a better suggestion, I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, but what is a helicopter mom? I've never heard the expression before. From your post, I take it to mean, an overly protective mother?

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm sorry, but what is a helicopter mom? I've never heard the expression before. From your post, I take it to mean, an overly protective mother?

You've never heard it?! It's a somewhat recent term for an overprotective mother. I hear it all of the time.

 

[jellybeans0607]

I'm sorry, but what is a helicopter mom? I've never heard the expression before. From your post, I take it to mean, an overly protective mother?

Basically a parent that "hovers" over their children.



Well, I did pick him up. My daughter, my other 2 sons and him are in the front yard playing. My daughter isn't happy about not being able to play with her friends. She isn't mopeing or anything, I told we would talk about it later.

I did ask his mom if it would be ok if he could just ride bikes in front of my house, and she said no. So much for trying to compromise, she says he can ride bikes in the back yard .

We are going to have to talk to my husband about what we should do. I guess we'll have a week to figure it out.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I did ask his mom if it would be ok if he could just ride bikes in front of my house, and she said no.

Where does SHE let him ride his bike? He must have learned somewhere.

 

[jellybeans0607]

Where does SHE let him ride his bike? He must have learned somewhere.

their backyard

 

[KAMLEM]

Ride a bike in the backyard? Sorry, that's ridiculous. How old are your sons? If they are playing with him, why can't your daughter go off with her friends?

 

[jellybeans0607]

Ride a bike in the backyard? Sorry, that's ridiculous. How old are your sons? If they are playing with him, why can't your daughter go off with her friends?

they're 3 and 4. I think it would be upsetting for him to see my 8yo go off with her friends. They really have more in common, then the younger kids.

 

[Microcell]

I think you should strike as much of a compromise as possible; get you SIL to back down as much as you possibly can with regard to letting the kids play independently, and also remind your dd that family is important and that her cousin needs to be a priority.

She DOES have other days to play outside the yard, he does not. It's not a bad lesson for her to learn some compassion and that it's not all about her. (Not that she thinks that now, not sure that came out right!)

It's a fine line; sounds like this mom needs a good reality check...but if you're too harsh with her she might just say her ds can't come over...and that's not going to benefit your nephew at all. Strike as good a balanace as you can.

I agree!

Of course the neighbor kids all hate me because I won't allow them to leave my DS out just because he is 3 years younger than the youngest of the kids my DD plays with.

I think the poster I am quoting means that you can really praise your DD for being so compassionate because her cousin does not have the chances to play she does.

Another idea might be fostering fun at your house, to make the other kids look forward to playing. Maybe water balloon fights in the back yard only when it is warm...

Since my DS is 6 I have needed to be creative about keeping interest in playing in back because I have yet to allow him unsupervised in the front yard. Yep I am overprotective too, but not as bad as your SIL I don't think! When my DD was two months old there was a huge story here in KC about a little girl, ten years old who was kidnapped from her front yard, and taken and killed by a guy who told a coworker that "I really want to kill a girl". It was totally random. Thankfully he is someone's girlfriend in Leavenworth now. I do not know when I will feel good about having my kids in front alone.

 

[Microcell]

they're 3 and 4. I think it would be upsetting for him to see my 8yo go off with her friends. They really have more in common, then the younger kids.

Totally if your nephew is school aged! That would be worse than stopping his visits altogether!