WWYD - Son and friends question

[karibritt01]

He is in his 30's, has a part-time job at Pizza Hut and collects Social Security Disability. One of the things he has is autism, I'm not sure if he has been diagnosed with anything else or not. He has a car and drives okay. He lived with his parents until recently when they had to sell their house and move into an apartment and he is getting his own apartment.. He does ride a bike, has a scooter bike thing, etc...He used to hang out a couple streets down from our house

But the OP doesn't actually know this person has Autism? It sounded more like she was trying to name something peculiar than recite a fact. The Op seems to know next to nothing about this person. This guy just popped up in their lives 3 years ago and all she seems to know about him came out of his mouth other than the fact he likes to hang out with little kids. He's not a fixture in the community, he's just.... there.

I don't see how people DON'T think this is strange.

Sounds to me like the OP knows a great deal about him.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Sounds to me like the OP knows a great deal about him.

Sounds like most of the info is second hand to me.

 

[dzorn]

My sister is developmentally disables in her 60's and spends most of her time playing video games and coloring. Just because someone is disabled does not mean they are a predator.

Just talk to your son about going anywhere with others without asking permission. If they are playing at your home and your children know not to leave with them I see no problem being kind to a lonely disabled man.

Denise in MI

 

[princessmom29]

But the OP doesn't actually know this person has Autism? It sounded more like she was trying to name something peculiar than recite a fact. The Op seems to know next to nothing about this person. This guy just popped up in their lives 3 years ago and all she seems to know about him came out of his mouth other than the fact he likes to hang out with little kids. He's not a fixture in the community, he's just.... there.

I don't see how people DON'T think this is strange.

Sounds like most of the info is second hand to me.

It actually sounds to me like she knows a good deal about him and got the information by actually talking to the guy, not running around accusing him. That is not second hand information. If she got it from her child who was told by this guy then yes it is second had, but what possible reason would that child have ot amke things up to tell mom about his friend??

 

[MushyMushy]

It actually sounds to me like she knows a good deal about him and got the information by actually talking to the guy, not running around accusing him. That is not second hand information. If she got it from her child who was told by this guy then yes it is second had, but what possible reason would that child have ot amke things up to tell mom about his friend??

But the child's father doesn't feel good about any of this. Why should HIS feelings be discounted? If I ever said to my husband that somebody being around my kids made me feel uncomfortable, he would listen. And I would listen to him too.

I think the OP should listen to her husband. He's much closer to the situation than random people on a message board.

 

[OceanAnnie]

But the child's father doesn't feel good about any of this. Why should HIS feelings be discounted? If I ever said to my husband that somebody being around my kids made me feel uncomfortable, he would listen. And I would listen to him too.

I think the OP should listen to her husband. He's much closer to the situation than random people on a message board.

Indeed.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

My BIL has some severe disabilities. He is able to work part-time, but collects Social Security and lives with my in-laws. He has owned apartments in the past, but just isn't able to live on his own right now.

Anyway he is 30, and, while he is able to interact with adults, he operates at the level of a teenager. Because of this he is always playing with the neighborhood kids, and not hanging out with their parents. The kids range from 11 to 16 and they love him. He plays basketball, throws horseshoes, and they really make him happy. He has struggled all of his life to make these type of connections, but really can only do so with younger kids.

If he was ever put under some sort of suspicion, or suddenly told he was no longer allowed to play with these kids, I really fear that it would crush him to the point that he wouldn't be with us anymore.

So long as the OP is taking the responsibility to talk to this guy, and they remind their kids about being safe (playing with him as a group, etc.) I really see no reason why this guy cannot still hang around the neighborhood. He really reminds me of my BIL who would not hurt a fly, and, while you can't make generalizations about everyone, I think it sounds like this situation is under control.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

#5, it's just flat out weird for an adult to spend free time with kids. Look around you for heaven's sake, and pay attention to the men in your world. Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children.

I've never read so much bull in my life! So I suppose every teacher, youth worker, paediatric nurse, social worker, scout leader etc etc must be female then in your world?! I must tell my DH who is on the PTA of our school (along with 2 other fathers) that he is 'weird' and not a 'normal' man and that people may well think he's trying the groom kids!

Seriously you have a very skewed view of the world and men in particular!

 

[EllenFrasier]

OP here. Just to clarify things a little. It is obvious to the anyone observing Jim that there is something not quite right - that is when I asked my teenage son what is wrong with him and he told me he has autism. Jim watches the kids play basketball and baseball (sometimes he will catch). When he is standing there watching, he toddles from one foot to the other back and forth and does not stand still. When he speaks, he often does not make eye contact and repeats himself quite often and it is not always easy to understand him.

I do agree that it would crush him if I said he could not come around our house anymore - and other than a legal restraining order, there is no way to keep him from being around the kids because they play around the neighborhood. I cannot ask him to stay away totally.

When he first started coming around, my son - who is learning disabled - invited him to his high school graduation. My mother, who is in her 80's and not always tactful, wanted to know who he was, why he was there, etc. As I said, you can tell by looking at him that he is not average (gosh how do you say that right?). I assured her that he was harmless. Other than some lapses of good judgement, he has done nothing wrong that I'm aware of.

Dh is the one who has a problem with him being around. I think it is the frequency of him being around that is more the problem for him. He comes to see the kids off on the bus, he is there when they get off the bus, he hangs around after dark and we finally have to tell him that the kids have to come inside. Not just our kids, but the neighbors too. I think Jim is bored or lonely and that is why he is here so much. My son told him that he can't come in the morning before school anymore, and so far he has listened.

In a perfect world our kids would only be have perfect friends, but we all know just how imperfect this world is. I just hope I am right on this. It's been quite some time and I would think if he was going to do anything inappropriate, in a molesting kind of way, he would have done it by now.

I guess I was just testing the waters to see if I was the only one that thought it was okay for Jim to be around as we do not have a lot of experience with autistic people. Our own 20 year old son is learning disabled, but it's not the same situation.

 

[NotUrsula]

Yes, take precautions, issue warnings, and get to know the man yourself, but no, don't cut him off because "it's weird".

My 13 yo son has Asperger's. His is a relatively mild case, and someday he'll surely be able to hold down a full-time job and may even marry. Right now, however, the closest he comes to a social life with his age-peers is lurking around on FaceBook watching them interact. The kids he actually PLAYS with (and yes, plays -- mostly video games, Legos, and SW lightsaber duels) are all about 3 years younger than he is. He's absolutely broken hearted that this is the final year that he will be allowed to attend summer day camp.

My DH is completely neurotypical, but kids love him. They gravitate to him when he is out in public. Last night he took DD to the library and a kindie-age girl tried to crawl into his lap while he was reading a story to DD. She pretty much told him her entire life story in the three minutes or so that it took for her Dad to track her down. I can PROMISE you that my DH has never molested a child or ever considered doing so; he is a wonderful father and the most morally upright person that you will ever meet. Sadly, he does not feel safe volunteering with children's groups other than at grade schools during class, because parents tend to blame him for the attraction that their kids feel for him; they tend to go ballistic when he engages them long enough for Mom or Dad to catch up. (He does that because he doesn't want them wandering alone trying to get back to their parents, so he stays and talks, but never lets them touch.)

You know what else? I married a man just like my father -- he was exactly the same way with kids. Only, 40 years ago he could teach neighborhood kids to tie flies and build birdhouses without worry, because back then a good man didn't have to worry about being tarred and feathered just for being popular with kids.

 

[AshleyW]

#5, it's just flat out weird for an adult to spend free time with kids. Look around you for heaven's sake, and pay attention to the men in your world. Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children.

You have got to be kidding me.

I'll be sure to pass this along to DF. He volunteers for Big Brothers Big Sisters, so he DOES choose to spend his free time with a 10 year old boy. I'll be sure to let him know what a weirdo he is, and alert the police that he is a potential child molester.

 

[themilesfamily]

A PP mentioned that they had a "special" person in their town.

In our town one of our special people was a man named Donnie. I was told that he had sustained a head injury when he was a child and had a certain amount of brain damage. He had a wonderful mother and sister who he lived with and who cared for him.

Even in adulthood and old-age his favorite thing to do was to play at the park with the kids. All of us kids knew him and were taught to be friendly and respectful. They had him lead the children's parade in town every year. A local grocery store owner gave him a job helping bag groceries. He was always hanging out in the neighborhood -- he just seemed to crave that social interaction with others. I think he was just lonely.

There WAS one incident where a gang of bullies cornered him and beat him up in the park. Can you imagine?

I would much rather have a child who was kind and empathetic to those who are different than someone who would bully him!!! And I'm glad we had a community that would embrace someone like this rather than reject him. I worry that these special people will begin to fall through the cracks as our communities become bigger and people become less connected.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

OP, I wanted to start by telling you I think you have some amazing sons. So many children and especially teenagers these days exclude anyone who is different, the fact that your boys befriended this young man to the point that they invited him to graduation and to join the family for birthday dinner speaks volumes about their character, and the way you've raised them.

I have very mixed feelings about the current fad of "trusting your instincts" as a way to judege whether or not it's safe. I've never read the book that it seems to come from (Protecting the Gift?), but in my experience human beings (and other animals) have a very strong instinct to be distrustful of that which is unfamiliar or different. While I do think that sometimes that instinct can be protective (that is we feel fearful of someone without knowing why because we've detected very subtle "differences"), it also leads us to be subconsciously fearful of people who differ from us in terms of race, or culture, or sexual orientation, or disability. I once had a conversation with a parent who was telling me how their child was fearful of certain people they met at the park and they taught their child to respect that fear -- except the child was fearful, it turned out, of every black person they met, and the parent was excusing rudeness or exclusionary behavior towards them.

If I were in your situation I'd make more efforts to get to know this young man, invite him to dinner. Include him in events where your family participates as a whole (e.g. maybe you're going on a hike or a trip to a museum other outing somewhere, and you want to invite him along), so that you and your husband can watch him interract with your son.

In addition, I do think it's appropriate to set some limits for him. While I don't see any red flags that his behavior is unsafe for your sons, I do think that young men with disabilities are at a huge risk for people thinking that they might be a molester and the repurcussions could be huge, so I could see saying to him "Jim, I know you're a nice person, and I know I can trust you. However, you need to know that there are parents out there who are very protective of their children, and I'm worried that someone will get mad at you. Let me tell you some rules that I think would be good rules for you . . ." and talk about appropriate limits like not showing up before school, not staying after dark, making sure he's met the parents of any kid he hangs out with etc . . .

Finally, if you really want to help, maybe think about things he can do to connect him to more of the community so he's not always on the fringe. He likes to watch kids play sports -- there's another thread here about how people are desperate for people to staff the stands at Little League -- maybe he could volunteer for that (or charge people -- I'll do your shift for $10 an hour!). Maybe he could join a local bowling league, or volunteer with the young kids at special olympics, or spend time at a nursing home helping out.

 

[Liberty Belle]

30 years old is not a child, regardless of his IQ he is, in fact, an adult.

It doesn't have to do with IQ, it has to do with emotional age.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP here. Just to clarify things a little. It is obvious to the anyone observing Jim that there is something not quite right - that is when I asked my teenage son what is wrong with him and he told me he has autism. Jim watches the kids play basketball and baseball (sometimes he will catch). When he is standing there watching, he toddles from one foot to the other back and forth and does not stand still. When he speaks, he often does not make eye contact and repeats himself quite often and it is not always easy to understand him.

I do agree that it would crush him if I said he could not come around our house anymore - and other than a legal restraining order, there is no way to keep him from being around the kids because they play around the neighborhood. I cannot ask him to stay away totally.

When he first started coming around, my son - who is learning disabled - invited him to his high school graduation. My mother, who is in her 80's and not always tactful, wanted to know who he was, why he was there, etc. As I said, you can tell by looking at him that he is not average (gosh how do you say that right?). I assured her that he was harmless. Other than some lapses of good judgement, he has done nothing wrong that I'm aware of.

Dh is the one who has a problem with him being around. I think it is the frequency of him being around that is more the problem for him. He comes to see the kids off on the bus, he is there when they get off the bus, he hangs around after dark and we finally have to tell him that the kids have to come inside. Not just our kids, but the neighbors too. I think Jim is bored or lonely and that is why he is here so much. My son told him that he can't come in the morning before school anymore, and so far he has listened.

In a perfect world our kids would only be have perfect friends, but we all know just how imperfect this world is. I just hope I am right on this. It's been quite some time and I would think if he was going to do anything inappropriate, in a molesting kind of way, he would have done it by now.

I guess I was just testing the waters to see if I was the only one that thought it was okay for Jim to be around as we do not have a lot of experience with autistic people. Our own 20 year old son is learning disabled, but it's not the same situation.

"Typical" or "neurotypical," works.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP, I wanted to start by telling you I think you have some amazing sons. So many children and especially teenagers these days exclude anyone who is different, the fact that your boys befriended this young man to the point that they invited him to graduation and to join the family for birthday dinner speaks volumes about their character, and the way you've raised them.

I have very mixed feelings about the current fad of "trusting your instincts" as a way to judege whether or not it's safe. I've never read the book that it seems to come from (Protecting the Gift?), but in my experience human beings (and other animals) have a very strong instinct to be distrustful of that which is unfamiliar or different. While I do think that sometimes that instinct can be protective (that is we feel fearful of someone without knowing why because we've detected very subtle "differences"), it also leads us to be subconsciously fearful of people who differ from us in terms of race, or culture, or sexual orientation, or disability. I once had a conversation with a parent who was telling me how their child was fearful of certain people they met at the park and they taught their child to respect that fear -- except the child was fearful, it turned out, of every black person they met, and the parent was excusing rudeness or exclusionary behavior towards them.

If I were in your situation I'd make more efforts to get to know this young man, invite him to dinner. Include him in events where your family participates as a whole (e.g. maybe you're going on a hike or a trip to a museum other outing somewhere, and you want to invite him along), so that you and your husband can watch him interract with your son.

In addition, I do think it's appropriate to set some limits for him. While I don't see any red flags that his behavior is unsafe for your sons, I do think that young men with disabilities are at a huge risk for people thinking that they might be a molester and the repurcussions could be huge, so I could see saying to him "Jim, I know you're a nice person, and I know I can trust you. However, you need to know that there are parents out there who are very protective of their children, and I'm worried that someone will get mad at you. Let me tell you some rules that I think would be good rules for you . . ." and talk about appropriate limits like not showing up before school, not staying after dark, making sure he's met the parents of any kid he hangs out with etc . . .

Finally, if you really want to help, maybe think about things he can do to connect him to more of the community so he's not always on the fringe. He likes to watch kids play sports -- there's another thread here about how people are desperate for people to staff the stands at Little League -- maybe he could volunteer for that (or charge people -- I'll do your shift for $10 an hour!). Maybe he could join a local bowling league, or volunteer with the young kids at special olympics, or spend time at a nursing home helping out.

I agree with the bolded. I think those are some measures that can be in place to protect the guy. These would be good family rules as well as good rules for him.

I also think it would be good to connect him with community activities. Maybe ask him if he'd like to establish contact with athletic groups that include his age range, tell him what is available. It would be nice for him to have relationships with a wider range.

 

[Colleen27]

I have a dear friend with an autistic brother, and Jim sounds a lot like him. He has absolutely no ability to connect with other men his age, largely because he isn't really an adult in many ways, and it is extremely isolating and lonely for him. He doesn't date or drink and he'll never have a career (just a low-skill job; right now he busses tables) or a family, so he really doesn't have any common ground with neurotypical adult men. He gravitates towards teens because they're more on his level - playing basketball and skateboarding and such. Fortunately, they live in a close-knit community where most everyone knows him and their family, so no one sees anything untoward in him hanging out at the park/basketball courts or community pool goofing off like he's one of the teens.

I would talk to your boys about Jim, partly to reinforce the ongoing lessons we all teach about appropriate boundaries just in case but mostly to bring up some things specific to the situation, like the fact that while Jim may look like an adult, he doesn't have the capacity for adult judgment in situations like the BB gun episode so the kids need to stop and ask themselves what you/your husband would say about something Jim suggests/offers.

 

[Missy1961]

Yes, take precautions, issue warnings, and get to know the man yourself, but no, don't cut him off because "it's weird".

My 13 yo son has Asperger's. His is a relatively mild case, and someday he'll surely be able to hold down a full-time job and may even marry. Right now, however, the closest he comes to a social life with his age-peers is lurking around on FaceBook watching them interact. The kids he actually PLAYS with (and yes, plays -- mostly video games, Legos, and SW lightsaber duels) are all about 3 years younger than he is. He's absolutely broken hearted that this is the final year that he will be allowed to attend summer day camp.

My DH is completely neurotypical, but kids love him. They gravitate to him when he is out in public. Last night he took DD to the library and a kindie-age girl tried to crawl into his lap while he was reading a story to DD. She pretty much told him her entire life story in the three minutes or so that it took for her Dad to track her down. I can PROMISE you that my DH has never molested a child or ever considered doing so; he is a wonderful father and the most morally upright person that you will ever meet. Sadly, he does not feel safe volunteering with children's groups other than at grade schools during class, because parents tend to blame him for the attraction that their kids feel for him; they tend to go ballistic when he engages them long enough for Mom or Dad to catch up. (He does that because he doesn't want them wandering alone trying to get back to their parents, so he stays and talks, but never lets them touch.)

You know what else? I married a man just like my father -- he was exactly the same way with kids. Only, 40 years ago he could teach neighborhood kids to tie flies and build birdhouses without worry, because back then a good man didn't have to worry about being tarred and feathered just for being popular with kids.

Your dad and your husband sound like my dad. Kids love him, even complete strangers. But he won't talk to them unless their parents are nearby. Doesn't want anyone to think he's some sort of child molester. Sad in a way.

 

[Colleen27]

#5, it's just flat out weird for an adult to spend free time with kids. Look around you for heaven's sake, and pay attention to the men in your world. Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children.

It is really a sad statement about our society that we see the need to be so suspicious all the time, and so distrustful of men. The men in my world are split on how they interact with kids, same as the women. I know many, many men who love children and who are great with kids, and every one of them worries over some over-cautious mom like you chiming in with the "molester" label.

Whether it is our Boy Scout pack leader who started in scouting with his own boys and never quit, or my BIL who is a teacher and former SAHD, or the male teacher who has helped my DS so much this year, or my husband who is the neighborhood dad outside building things or playing ball with the kids, there are many men in the world who are not predators and not disabled who just enjoy kids. And on the flip side, there are plenty of women who skip out on situations where kids will cause a sitr; my DH has FAR more tolerance for kid-noise and chaos than I do! He comes by it honestly; his father is the same way and loves having all 7 grandkids running around the house on weekends/holidays.

 

[worm761]

I have to say that this thread struck a nerve with me. It is one of my biggest fears that DS will be accused of misconduct. DS will be 14 on Mother's Day and has Autism. He is functioning though. So he just seems off or weird to those that don't know him. I have already started to train him not to talk to kids because of this. He doesn't do well with kids his age. He loves little kids though. He can sit an play with a five year old for hours but has nothing in common with kids his age. This will always be but he has no clue. Jim is my son in about 15 years.