WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[squirrel]

I still remember that we were excluded from my aunts reception. My aunt did have quite a few niece's and nephews. My youngest sister was the flowergirl and she was able to go. The adults (our parents) had hired a babysitter to watch us while they went to the reception. The worst part was they told us (cousins, my sister and I) that they would pick us up after we ate dinner and bring us to the reception. So that left about 7 of us not invited that were old enough to know. There were two younger nephews that wouldn't have noticed. I know my aunt/nana didn't want us there. My mom did tell them she thought it wasn't right (this was months before the wedding).

I'm not married, but I just couldn't leave out my niece's or nephew. I would have to exclude my cousin's children as both my parents have large families and adding all the cousin's children would add a lot more people.

Feel free to copy this to give to your sister and mother. I'm sure your daughter will know it was her aunt that didn't want her there. I can understand not wanting a lot of little kids at a wedding but a 9 year old niece and a 12 year old nephew-Sorry I think that's mean, especially when there are only two.

 

[squirrel]

When we got married we had no kids at the reception and most of our guests were thrilled to leave the kids with grandma or a sitter and have a relaxing time at our evening wedding reception. We were married later than most of our friends and cousins, so I can't imaging how the guest list would have ballooned if we included kids. I have only been to one wedding with kids and it was nice, I guess, to include them, but I spent the whole time trying to deal with my baby and toddler. I love spending time with my kids but frankly, would have enjoyed a few hours of drinking adult beverages, having adult conversations and dancing with my husband.

You could have hired a sitter or had a family member on the other side watch them. You made the choice to bring them, they were invited. Just because they were invited didn't mean you had to bring them.

 

[indimom]

For the life of me I've never understood why guests at a wedding think that they have a say in any aspect of the party planning.

Weddings are different and are defined by the bride and groom. There is no cookie-cutter wedding. The wedding itself is a solemn event, and depending on the faith (or lack of faith) of the couple taking part in the ceremony, it may or may not be open to everyone. The reception is a party. Not all parties are events for kids, family or not. I have *never* been offended by whether or not my children have been invited to someone else's event. Whether they have been invited may, for practical reasons, inform whether or not I'm able to attend, but the choice is without malice or judgment on my part. I don't dictate food choices, invitation lists, time tables, etc. I'm invited to an event on the host's terms and make my decisions on the basis of what works for me. I don't assume that any decisions are about me, and I hope that my attendance or regrets aren't ever taken personally.

Absolutely 100% agree and couldn't possibly have worded it better.
Your sister has made her decision regarding this special day. Now you get to make yours. I have one thing you may want to consider as you make your choice: Whose decision was/will be made with malice toward the other person??
Yes, your sister's decision hurt you (and possibly your daughter), but it does not sound like she was intentionally malicious or "out to get you". If you do not go to the wedding to punish her for not inviting your daughter, malice is absolutely your intent. You are trying to punish or hurt her. Who is really the "bad guy" in that case??

 

[kacaju]

the wedding= the Church where they are getting married. You said they are having a Catholic Mass. This is the *wedding* and your dd is invited to this. She will not miss out on seeing her Aunt *get married*

reception=party..I do understand you feeling upset that your dd is not invited to the party. i have a 10 year old. If she was the only kid invited to a party, even if the party included her Aunts and Uncles, she would be bored.

 

[Carriemel]

For the life of me I've never understood why guests at a wedding think that they have a say in any aspect of the party planning.

Weddings are different and are defined by the bride and groom. There is no cookie-cutter wedding. The wedding itself is a solemn event, and depending on the faith (or lack of faith) of the couple taking part in the ceremony, it may or may not be open to everyone. The reception is a party. Not all parties are events for kids, family or not. I have *never* been offended by whether or not my children have been invited to someone else's event. Whether they have been invited may, for practical reasons, inform whether or not I'm able to attend, but the choice is without malice or judgment on my part. I don't dictate food choices, invitation lists, time tables, etc. I'm invited to an event on the host's terms and make my decisions on the basis of what works for me. I don't assume that any decisions are about me, and I hope that my attendance or regrets aren't ever taken personally.

I have to agree 100 percent with this poster. It's the decision of ONLY the wedding couple. Not anyone elses, UNLESS they are the ones paying for the reception.

 

[littlbugmom]

It does sound like there is some history and that the wedding situation is feeling like a last straw. I have 6 younger sisters and 1 older sister, so I understand the feelings the OP probably has about this younger sister. I have one like that, too and it can be infuriating.

That said, I respect that the bride and groom decide what kind of wedding they want and they are perfectly within their rights to exclude children. I would explain the situation to my daughter and allow her to decide if she'd like to participate in the ceremony. DH and I would attend the ceremony and reception.


Personally, I believe children at weddings is a wonderful thing. I embraced the children coming to my wedding and planned for them. They weren't running wild and spoiling the evening in any way. I had a children's area with 3 large tables in the corner of the reception hall. It provided them with small toys, crafts and books. I paid older teens to rotate supervision of the area throughout the night. The videos we have of my nieces and nephews on the dance floor is precious! They loved the music and the laughter and added joy to the evening in so many ways. My wedding reception was elegant and FUN!

Now, having children at the actual ceremony......I could get behind "no children" there! The woman (a cousin) singing at my ceremony had twin boys whose father couldn't quiet them. Instead of removing the crying children to the hall, the fool brought them to his wife. The woman with the microphone! Their displeasure at being forced into a quiet situation was amplified during our vows. Nice.

 

[woodkins]

Absolutely 100% agree and couldn't possibly have worded it better.
Your sister has made her decision regarding this special day. Now you get to make yours. I have one thing you may want to consider as you make your choice: Whose decision was/will be made with malice toward the other person??
Yes, your sister's decision hurt you (and possibly your daughter), but it does not sound like she was intentionally malicious or "out to get you". If you do not go to the wedding to punish her for not inviting your daughter, malice is absolutely your intent. You are trying to punish or hurt her. Who is really the "bad guy" in that case??

My decision is NOT made with malice to my sister, she obviously doesn't care about my feelings or my daughter's. My decision is based on the hurt that my daughter (and myself) will feel seeing the entire family together with the exception of her. I'm not trying to hurt my sister, I am trying NOT to hurt my daughter and myself.

 

[lunalibre]

I don't have an etiquette book handy, but I sure thought that anyone who was invited to the wedding was also supposed to get an invitation to the reception. An invitation to one part but not the other just seems rude, IMO. If the bride doesn't want children at the reception, then children shouldn't invited to (or asked to participate in) the wedding, either.

OP, if you want to keep the peace, make other arrangements for your daughter for the entire time and just you and your DH go to the wedding and reception.

FWIW, I do understand your problem. My brother got married when DS was 3, and he was going to be the only child there. We had to beg my SIL to find a babysitter for us because we knew no one in that town who could babysit. It was awkward and I can't say that I really enjoyed the wedding because I had to leave my child with a complete stranger. However, as difficult as it was, I would have really regretted not going to my brother's wedding.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, in response to your original question, I would get a babysitter, tell my child that the party is just for adults and go and have a good time. If for some reason I wasn't able to get a babysitter, then I would send my regrets and a nice gift and stay home. I personally prefer for children to be included at weddings and receptions, because for me family is an important part of events like those. I fully understand that not everyone feels that way, and I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone's vision of their perfect reception didn't include children. Weddings and receptions are very personal things and what seems perfect to one couple might sound terrible to another.

Now from an etiquette standpoint, the "all or nothing" approach to inviting or excluding entire groups of people is pretty common. But etiquette does allow for exceptions in a case like this. It would be fine for a bride to include her own children (if she had any) or all nieces/nephews (even if that's only one child) while excluding all other children. But that isn't what she's choosing to do, and excluding all children is also a perfectly acceptable choice. Even though it is rude to invite some people to your wedding and reception and others to just the wedding, in cases of an "adult reception" that usually isn't considered rude. . . though personally I like it when the bride and groom who invite children to the wedding but not reception also provide childcare during the reception, or they invite the children to a "kid's party" to be held somewhere else during the reception.

Once again...these are cousins. Not a niece or nephew.
My parents are paying for the wedding. My sister and I are not super close...her choice, not mine. She is VERY immature & has my mom handle all of her business (she even had my mom go with her to register for her masters degree classes ).

Many things have gone on in the past that I have overlooked as I am the oldest and "paved the way" for my siblings. I paid for my wedding with a small contribution from my parents, they are footing the bill for her who shebang. They paid for her BA & MA, I got a coupon book to repay the little they loaned me for my BA (I went to a university on full academic scholarship).

At this point I am ready to cut ties if they believe that my daughter is not family enough to attend the reception. They clearly think she is mature enought to handle being a part of the ceremony, and in my eyes if she is good enough for one she is good enough for the other. The ironic part in the whole situation is the brother who had dd in his wedding has never been close to me, in fact he is closest to the sister getting married and I am closest to db that is single and loving it.

I agree with other posters - it sounds to me like this "adults only" invitation is the last straw. You don't sound too happy with this sibling already. If you are as unhappy in real life about your parents favoring this sibling financially as you sound on here, maybe it's best if you do skip the wedding. Some of the resentment about the money and your daughter not being invited is bound to come out at the wedding, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

the wedding= the Church where they are getting married. You said they are having a Catholic Mass. This is the *wedding* and your dd is invited to this. She will not miss out on seeing her Aunt *get married*

reception=party..I do understand you feeling upset that your dd is not invited to the party. i have a 10 year old. If she was the only kid invited to a party, even if the party included her Aunts and Uncles, she would be bored.

I agree completely.

 

[Duckiedee]

Since you are only worried about when your daughter is not being included - and this decision is not based on hurting your sister. You have the perfect answer... You and she can attend the wedding and politely decline the reception for the two (or three) of you.

That way - you do not cause a family rift. You will not be hurt by not attending, you daughter will not be hurt by not attending and you can just say you prefer/are unable to get a babysitter for the reception.

She can then base her decision on whether to include you in the bridal party based on whether she feels the role needs to be at the reception - you are both given a fair playing field since both will know where each other stands.

At the same time, your sister will likely get the subtle message, but you won't look like the bad guy and you won't have any regrets in the future because you were there. And I think your sister will be sad - as you are - but it will be an even sad - due to natural consequences.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

What are you teaching your daughter? Everything has to be "her way".

It is your SISTER's wedding - my goodness all this theatrics because your dd can't go to the reception? Get a babysitter and have a good time with the adults.

 

[krcit]

My decision is NOT made with malice to my sister, she obviously doesn't care about my feelings or my daughter's. My decision is based on the hurt that my daughter (and myself) will feel seeing the entire family together with the exception of her. I'm not trying to hurt my sister, I am trying NOT to hurt my daughter and myself.

OP, I posted before but I'm not sure if you saw my post. Have you spoken to your sister? Do you realize that because she doesn't have children she does not realize the extent of your hurt feelings? I would think she just doesn't realize how personally you are taking it and how hurt you are. I have 3 kids. If this happened to me, I would tell them that Aunt Mary wants you to be a part of her special day and help out at the ceremony, the important part of the day but that the party is just for grown-ups. Simple, matter of fact. Kids play off of our emotions, if she sees you outraged and hurt she will be outraged and hurt. I wish you luck and I'm sorry that this situation is going on. I just hope that you don't let the hurt and resentment you feel toward your sister affect your reasoning. The other things that you mentioned about your parents paying for this and that. That's on your parents.

 

[disneygoof]

Maybe I missed this, but does the groom have nieces and nephews? Is that what they may be concerned about when they say it "opens up" the list to exceptions?

I am on the no kids side of the fence. It's her day and her wishes should be respected. I suspect that she's got a similar principal she's standing on in answer to the "it's a family event" principal you're standing on. I also suspect the "it opens up..." defense could have been an attempt to politely assuage your feelings.

I would try to put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how she would post about how this is playing out from her perspective. It also feels like you're setting yourself up for 13 months of anger and resentment that would be more healthily served by offering it up and moving on.

 

[brymolmom]

I have not read all the responses, but I am guessing you'll be getting advice on both sides.

My take on parents in general is that they fall into two categories...those who enjoy and completely believe that there should be events where no kids are invited and those who feel that families should be together all the time and get offended and/or send regrets to any non-kid invitation.

I fall into the first category and would understand my sister's perspective - events with kids ARE DIFFERENT than those without. When my kids are present - I spend less time mingling and more time checking on them, answering questions, sometimes reprimanding if there are a lot of 'can we go home YET's - and it is a bride and groom's decision whether they want their event to be like that or truly adults only.

It would not offend me at all and I would go enjoy with my family and send dd to a friend's house for a sleepover where she, MORE THAN LIKELY, will have more fun anyway.

 

[brymolmom]

My decision is NOT made with malice to my sister, she obviously doesn't care about my feelings or my daughter's. My decision is based on the hurt that my daughter (and myself) will feel seeing the entire family together with the exception of her. I'm not trying to hurt my sister, I am trying NOT to hurt my daughter and myself.

But keep in mind that this is not about you or your daughter - that day, for one day in her life, it is 'allowed' to be about the bride. If she says no kids - that's her day to make that choice. She shouldn't HAVE to think about others' feelings on this one day. Can you imagine how impossible weddings would be to plan, organize and execute if you took everyone's feelings into account? MAN - mine would have been horrendous - my mom wanted more cousins invited....some family doesn't get along with others....some didn't approve that it was an informal reception....Good thing I didn't have to worry about them or I would have had to elope to solve all the problems as no solution is going to make everyone happy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What are you teaching your daughter? Everything has to be "her way".

It is your SISTER's wedding - my goodness all this theatrics because your dd can't go to the reception? Get a babysitter and have a good time with the adults.

She's teaching her dd that family comes first. Meaning if it is more important to invite an adult co-worker than your own family then it is wrong. Sorry but that is how I feel also. I would be po'd at my sister too if she did something like that. Thankfully having her nieces and nephews at her wedding was never even a discussion because it was never even a question. I would not go to my sister's wedding if she excluded my kids especially if she was the Godmother.

 

[KandD]

OK I have to admit that when I read the original post I was dead set in my responsebut since I have read through all the posts I do see both sides and am not really sure....but this is what I will say...

I totally understand not wanting kids at your wedding. Kids get bored, can be loud, need attention, and frankly the day is not about them. However I find it extremely rude that your sister invited your daughter to help out at the wedding but she can not come to the reception. I also understand the concept of not opening up the door for every child, where do you draw the line? I know that OP says that cousins are different than nieces or nephews but every family is different. Maybe sister's husband to be is actually really close to his cousins/godkids/etc. and allowing just the niece and nephew in would cause a rift in HIS family. I am not at ALL close to my cousins or their kids but my DBF is closer to one of his cousins then he is to his sister.

So I guess my final conclusion is that although I see why OP is hurt, not all people want kids at their wedding and despite your daughter's relationship with her aunt, it is ultimately your sister's and her fiance's decision. Does your sister know how you feel about this? I would talk with her about it because as others have said, she does not have kids and may not understand how hurt you are.

 

[brymolmom]

She's teaching her dd that family comes first. Meaning if it is more important to invite an adult co-worker than your own family then it is wrong. Sorry but that is how I feel also. I would be po'd at my sister too if she did something like that. Thankfully having her nieces and nephews at her wedding was never even a discussion because it was never even a question. I would not go to my sister's wedding if she excluded my kids especially if she was the Godmother.

Wow- not attending your sister's wedding simply because she wanted an adults-only event likely isn't teaching her that family comes first. That would, I would guess, terminate any and all sister relationship there. It would be teaching her that family comes first as long as that family agrees with and believes the same things as you - in this case, that nieces and nephews should be invited.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wow- not attending your sister's wedding simply because she wanted an adults-only event likely isn't teaching her that family comes first. That would, I would guess, terminate any and all sister relationship there. It would be teaching her that family comes first as long as that family agrees with and believes the same things as you - in this case, that nieces and nephews should be invited.

I get wanting an adult only event but in our family that always includes nieces and nephews so yes- it would terminate the relationship. My sister was brought up the same way so it's not like she is some random family member. It is just the way it is. So if she decided not to invite her nieces and nephews then it would be an insult and I would not be the only family member who would think so.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Seriously - I think if you decline to be in the party over this and maybe not go to the wedding - YOU are the one who is going to look like the "B" in this. I'm not saying that you ARE. I can see you are hurt and you get to own those feelings.

But, principle or not - as the ELDER sister, it's best to take the high road. When HER kids are not invited to something in a few years YOU can give her "The Look". It will have MUCH more power and emphasis then.

If you want to talk to her about the subject gently - that is up to you. Unless she is normally an ungracious person, I think she is NOT trying to her you or your neice. This could be why it was brought up to you by someone else. She was nervous to hurt you. Or perhaps the person spilled the beans before she could talk to you.

Take it as a night to enjoy your spouse and relive YOUR wedding night. Wink. Wink.!!! You can always make lemonade out of lemons... start chucking lemons back and you'll have a messy foodfight on your hands.

You may not think she's being right... but to not participate on your end is not right either.... she is your sister. Lead by example and SHOW her how to be sisterly and kind - even if you don't think she is right now.

If she died the week after her wedding - would you wish you were there? Or worked yourself up over this?

Perfect