WWYD? Question about daughter's best friend

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

This may get a little long, and it may be more of a vent because I know there isn't a lot I can do, but my daughter's best friend is in a bad home situation.

Here's the long and short of the home situation. The father lives here in town. He has a total of 5 kids from 3 different women. He is married to the mother of the two oldest sons. This daughter, my DD's best friend (age 15), is the third. There are two younger kids from a third woman--a woman who is also not in the picture. The current wife (and mother of the first two kids) lives with the kids in a different state. The three younger kids (including DD's best friend) live with the father.

DD's best friend's bio-mother has had drug problems and has told her she wants nothing to do with her. So this girl spends a lot of time at our house...usually at least one night every weekend. The father often leaves town with the younger two kids and doesn't tell her he's leaving. He also doesn't answer his cell phone. If he is at home, he often doesn't answer the phone there and has no message machine. He knows my cell phone number and home number, so reaching her is not an issue.

Today she couldn't reach him AT ALL until about 5 pm. She had spent the night at our house last night. I made DD take her to her house and leave the father a written note in case he came home at about 3:30. He finally gets in touch with her at about 7 pm and tells her it's fine to stay the night again as he is not going to be home to spend the night.

Then, at 9:50 pm, he calls her here and tells her if she's not home in 10 minutes that she's going to be in serious trouble. Of course, our state's laws do not allow my DD to drive after 10 pm, so I have to jump up and take her home so that she doesn't get into trouble. We get to her house and her father is nowhere to be found.

I don't feel right leaving her at her house alone (downtown)--especially at night. But I also don't want her to get into trouble with her father. He seems to be somewhat schizophrenic to me...and I'm afraid he's going to end up hurting her.

He talks down to her constantly telling her she's not ever going to be any better than her mother. His secretary is more of a parent to her than he is...taking her to and from school every day. I take her for haircuts, shopping for school uniforms, and try to give her some of the advice most teens really need from a mom. I also try to help her understand that a good education is her best way out.

The problem is that I feel like I'm being dragged into the situation. I've told her that my house is open if she needs a place to stay...especially when she feels like she's not safe. This is a good kid. Her grades in school aren't great, but she's very responsible, kind, and funny. She has also been a great friend to my DD.

What would you do? I don't want to inflame the situation at their house, but my heart is bleeding for this girl. Her father refuses to sit down and have a conversation with her about the situation.

 

[Beth76]

I would call the police and/or family services. He frequently leaves his 15yo daughter alone and leaves town without telling her? I don't think they'd look to fondly upon that. And I think you were absolutely right not to leave her alone at the house. I hope this girl has some family that can look after her. But based on what you said about her parents, that doesn't sound likely. Poor girl.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Do you talk to the dad at all? Would you want to take your DD's friend in, kindda like a foster-parent relationship? It sounds like someone needs to investigate the home situation further.

TC

 

[FreshTressa]

Yah...I would call someone.

He needs to know this is not acceptable.

 

[barkley]

if you decide to call children and family services please do not do it with the impression you will likely get the child placed in your home. the first place they would attempt to put her is with a blood relation (even if it is a far flung relative she has never met)-in the absence of that she would have to go to a lic. foster home. the best time to contact children and family services would be when one of the events occur wherein he has left her home alone overnite or tells her to come home and then is nowhere to be found (that will get immediate action and investigation)-the remainder of what she has related to you (unless you have personaly witnessed or overheard conversations in which he has been threatening of her) are likely not to be a basis for investigation unless they are endangering her safety.

given that he has custody of children from 2 different mothers it is likely that both he and the home have been under court review at some point and deemed a safe enviornment (unless both bio moms just opted for him to raise the kids). who is doing for the younger ones what you are doing for dd's friend? is it possible that she may be encouraging the situation by telling him that you will do things for her, can keep her overnite...and he is simply going along with it? sadly, because many single dads are ill equiped to deal with the emotions and "drama" of teen daughters they often passivly allow others to take care of their daughter's needs rather than attempting to deal with them on their own.

i think you need to know both sides of the story and ensure that the reason things are going on this way isnt due to the girl implying or outright saying "oh, dad-don't worry about it, i can always stay at x's house" or "no you don't need to-mrs. x will...".

 

[PaulaSB12]

Has the girl got grandparents? I would have thought that his parents or her mothers parents would be able to look after the girl.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think what you are doing now is fine. I would be discussing college and her way "out". You say she has good grades?
Is she taking the right classes to get into college?

Bottom line...I would focus my energy forward with her and not get "stuck" with her situation too much. I don't see a benefit of that for her since she is already 15.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Here's an update:

Last night, we attempted to call DD's friend at about 11 pm to see if she was okay...she didn't answer her phone.

When we called her this morning, she said that her father came home early this morning. She is afraid to contact the police or anyone else to tell them about the situation because she is afraid of what her father will do to her.

The father, incidently, is an attorney here in town. He knows better than to leave a child alone over night. To my knowledge, she has no grandparents. If she does have any, they are not in contact with her.

I certainly would not contact family services in an attempt to get custody of this girl...but I care about her and think she deserves more than she's getting.

Unfortunately, I think family services would do more harm than good. She really wants something to change. I just don't think she understands how things could get worse.

I don't think I'd better leave her at home alone again, though. I feel responsible for her.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

who is doing for the younger ones what you are doing for dd's friend? is it possible that she may be encouraging the situation by telling him that you will do things for her, can keep her overnite...and he is simply going along with it? sadly, because many single dads are ill equiped to deal with the emotions and "drama" of teen daughters they often passivly allow others to take care of their daughter's needs rather than attempting to deal with them on their own.

i think you need to know both sides of the story and ensure that the reason things are going on this way isnt due to the girl implying or outright saying "oh, dad-don't worry about it, i can always stay at x's house" or "no you don't need to-mrs. x will...".

I've never offered to keep her knowing that the father was going out of town. It has always strictly been that my daughter has asked if she could have this friend spend the night. The answer is always "yes", and the father is just never there when it's time to take the girl home. One time she came over with the younger sister and the father disappeared...and both girls spent the night. The younger girl came to me the next morning and asked if she could stay with us forever.

I'm still so torn...

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

Such a sad situation. to the girls

 

[JennaTX]

I don't know what the answer is. But you mentioned that the girl is "afraid of what her father would do", and he leaves her there all night by herself, what he says to her, it is just not a good situation all around. I agree that child services is not the best answer , but I don't know what it is. At least she has your DD and you in her life, and knows that she has lifeline if needed!

 

[Hannathy]

I would not call child services either because what I know it is pretty rough for teens she would probably go to a group home somewhere and probably be sent to a different school and loose all her friends and then get kicked out of the system at 18 with nowhere to go. If you can continue to do what you are doing I think that would be great. 15 is ok to stay alone (not ideal) and if she knows she can call you in a real problem that is the best solution. As long as she isn't being physically abused I think you are doing the right thing in not calling. I don't think I would push the Dad for a sit-down because he could retaliate by not letting her see you and then the girl would really be out of luck. As bad as her situation is she is very lucky to have you in her life. You are doing a great thing!

 

[Evil Queen]

I agree, IF you can just be there for her, I wouldn't call child services,unless there's abuse and he is not providing food, shelter, clothing, etc (neglect).

My niece in law, had a bad home life, abuse, both verbal and physical. She ran away. She knew she couldn't go to my nephew's house, because the parent's would be right there. I put her up here,got her a job, cause she temp.dropped out of school.

My sis-in-law (her Mom-in-law now) went to child services trying to see what she could do to allow her to live with her. There wasn't much, that wouldn't be time consuming, unless the other parents agreed and that wasn't gonna happen. NIL finally contacted her parents, they located her after work and the state took her. She hated it there,and somehow she went back to her parent's house. One month from her 18th birthday she ran away again, and stayed at a friend's house. She was able to remain unfound by her family until she hit 18. She is now 21 and for the past year her and her family have worked hard on getting things together as a family, which I am glad of,too bad it took so long. Her family also had to adjust to she married my nephew almost immediately after her 18th birthday. But now they have a beautiful grand-daughter too, 9 months.

 

[poohluvrs]

WHat if you & your DD were not in the picture, then what for this poor little girl?

 

[SillyMe]

Wow, he's an attorney?? I personally don't think I would call child services because I would be too worried about who they would place her with. If it were me, I think I would just continue to help her as much as I can and be there for her when needed. That's a very sad situation.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

WHat if you & your DD were not in the picture, then what for this poor little girl?

Well, that's part of the problem. My husband is retiring from the military and we'll be moving away in a couple of months. I would love to know that we were leaving her with a decent support system...