WWYD? Pregnant teen at my DD's high school pestering my DD..........

[Minnie_me]

My DD is 14 and a freshman in high school in our small town. She is somewhat of a "late bloomer" -- she doesn't wear makeup, has never had a boyfriend, she's bookish and quiet. There's a pregnant sophomore in a couple of her classes, and she sits next to the girl ("Susie") in one of her classes. Since this is a small town, and I'm a teacher, DD and Susie know each other. They're not friends, but they are acquainted.

Susie is constantly talking to DD about her pregnancy. She asks if DD wants to feel the baby kick (she doesn't). She gushes about how awesome it will be to stay home and be with the baby when it's born. She asks opinions on baby names.

When DD told me about this, I sympathized with Susie a bit. Especially since I know her. I told DD to be nice, since Susie is probably actually scared and maybe a little embarrassed, and is trying to make up for that.

But then this week, Susie asked DD if she wanted a baby. DD responded that she would like to be a mother, but not until she has finished college and gotten married. Susie said it's so much easier to be a younger mom, and that welfare pays for so much, and there are so many boys that DD could "hook up with" if she wanted to get pregnant.

Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

 

[Goofyluver]

I don't think you should say anything to the counselor, and I'm not sure why you think you should.

DD may feel bothered, but when you said she is being "pestered", I was thinking more along the lines of something threatening.

She's 14 and this is a perfect lesson for her in ridiculous teenagers. If she wants the pregnant girl to quit talking to her about her pregnancy, then she needs to say so. It seems like the girl enjoys your daughter and is sharing with her, even if her opinions and thoughts are immature and unrealistic.

What would the counselor do? He can't fix "pregnant teen mom".

 

[deegack]

Honestly, it sounds like the pregnant teen needs a friend. Not that its your daughter's job to be that friend, but she may be realizing being a teen mom is not as great as the MTV show makes it out to be.

 

[sookie]

My DD is 14 and a freshman in high school in our small town. She is somewhat of a "late bloomer" -- she doesn't wear makeup, has never had a boyfriend, she's bookish and quiet. There's a pregnant sophomore in a couple of her classes, and she sits next to the girl ("Susie") in one of her classes. Since this is a small town, and I'm a teacher, DD and Susie know each other. They're not friends, but they are acquainted.

Susie is constantly talking to DD about her pregnancy. She asks if DD wants to feel the baby kick (she doesn't). She gushes about how awesome it will be to stay home and be with the baby when it's born. She asks opinions on baby names.

When DD told me about this, I sympathized with Susie a bit. Especially since I know her. I told DD to be nice, since Susie is probably actually scared and maybe a little embarrassed, and is trying to make up for that.

But then this week, Susie asked DD if she wanted a baby. DD responded that she would like to be a mother, but not until she has finished college and gotten married. Susie said it's so much easier to be a younger mom, and that welfare pays for so much, and there are so many boys that DD could "hook up with" if she wanted to get pregnant.

Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

This poor child. And moms like you make it worse.
And are you SURE "Susie" said all of that? or is your daughter maybe an elaborator?
Take everything a teen girl says with a grain of salt. And I mean that. Even if your daughter is an "angel"- the only difference between your DD and "Susie" is a boy and one night without a condom.
The girl is most likely incredibly LONELY right now. When you get pregnant as a teen, you never fit in with the other teens your age. And you're not an adult. So what are you?
Alone.
Leave the poor child alone. She has it bad enough as it is.

 

[pigletgirl]

No...no counselor is needed. Like the PP said, what services would they offer?

High school is a new ballgame, and you meet all sorts of different people. In the very least, she (your DD) needs to be friendly.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My DD is 14 and a freshman in high school in our small town. She is somewhat of a "late bloomer" -- she doesn't wear makeup, has never had a boyfriend, she's bookish and quiet. There's a pregnant sophomore in a couple of her classes, and she sits next to the girl ("Susie") in one of her classes. Since this is a small town, and I'm a teacher, DD and Susie know each other. They're not friends, but they are acquainted.

Susie is constantly talking to DD about her pregnancy. She asks if DD wants to feel the baby kick (she doesn't). She gushes about how awesome it will be to stay home and be with the baby when it's born. She asks opinions on baby names.

When DD told me about this, I sympathized with Susie a bit. Especially since I know her. I told DD to be nice, since Susie is probably actually scared and maybe a little embarrassed, and is trying to make up for that.

But then this week, Susie asked DD if she wanted a baby. DD responded that she would like to be a mother, but not until she has finished college and gotten married. Susie said it's so much easier to be a younger mom, and that welfare pays for so much, and there are so many boys that DD could "hook up with" if she wanted to get pregnant.

Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

To put it mildly, yes the girl is wildly inappropriate.

Lonely and needing a friend is not the same as encouraging another girl to get pregnant and get on welfare benefits. Your DD doesn't need a friend like that!

If I were in your position, I'd coach your DD to tell the girl she doesn't want to talk about that stuff. I'd go over it with her until it just became a natural thing to say without even thinking about it.

 

[Tiger926]

I teach at-risk teens, and have 8 pregnant girls in my student body right now, so well acquainted with this subject...

I'm not sure why you think you need to say anything? If you weren't her mom, would you say anything as a teacher to the counsellor or another teacher?

There isn't really anything you can do about what the girl said - I deal with this all day long, and I can talk to my girls about it as we have a relationship of trust and respect, but that does not sound like what is happening here. You sound like you are being a Momma bear, who so happens to be a teacher there.

I understand that your DD isn't assertive, but she needs to say something to the other girl if it's bothering her. If she does not, then the girl may continue to bug her. If you weren't a teacher there, how would your DD handle it?

I can't imagine how others would treat your daughter if you said something to counsellor and he/she then does speak to the pregnant girl? Yikes!

I would urge you to think long and hard about how to handle this, since it's really none of your business. I'm sure the pregnant girl is lonely, and looking for a friend. Your daughter does not have to be her friend, but she is probably feeling lonely and out of place if there aren't any other pregnant girls there, and so that is probably why she is very in your face with your daughter, or, she sees her as a positive person whom she would like to get to know better. She may also be looking to see if your daughter and her are similar - if your daughter got pregnant, then the pregnant girl would have a companion, and she wouldn't feel so isolated and different from the rest of the students.

Tiger

 

[lizabu]

I think the girl is feeling pretty lonely and left out. It almost seems like she thinks if she can encourage others to join her she won't feel so different and awkward. I would just have a nice talk with your DD. She seems like she has her priorities straight but just to be sure she doesn't fall for what this girl is selling.

 

[CurlyGirl]

In "Susie's" head, if someone else gets pregnant, then they can be best friends and mommies together as they will be in the same boat. Also, another pregnant girl in the school would take some of the "spotlight" off of "Susie". They can be partners in crime (if you will).

Your DD has already laid out her future plans to "Susie" so I think "Susie" will probably leave her alone especially if your DD shows little interest in "Susie's" pregnancy or wanting to have a baby of her own.

Your DD doesn't need to tell "Susie" to back off. Showing her lack of wanting to be a teen mom, her lack of enthusiasm for "Susie's" situation, etc. will eventually click with "Susie", she'll get it and leave your DD alone.

If you do ANY talking, it should be to your DD reinforcing that she should continue to tell Susie that she has zero interest in being a teen mom, that she plans on going to college, etc.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWID?

I would do nothing but listen to my dd about her day and try to keep my thoughts to myself. The less you say, the better, unless your dd is asking you for your input. Even then I would probably say things like, what do you think and get your dd to open up.

She sounds like she is annoying your dd with her pregnancy stuff so the best thing you can do it teach your dd how to handle uncomfortable situations with her peers.

Perhaps use some canned responses and tell your dd that while this girl is bugging her it is temporary. Just be polite.

 

[Sparx]

In "Susie's" head, if someone else gets pregnant, then they can be best friends and mommies together as they will be in the same boat. Also, another pregnant girl in the school would take some of the "spotlight" off of "Susie". They can be partners in crime (if you will).

Your DD has already laid out her future plans to "Susie" so I think "Susie" will probably leave her alone especially if your DD shows little interest in "Susie's" pregnancy or wanting to have a baby of her own.

Your DD doesn't need to tell "Susie" to back off. Showing her lack of wanting to be a teen mom, her lack of enthusiasm for "Susie's" situation, etc. will eventually click with "Susie", she'll get it and leave your DD alone.

If you do ANY talking, it should be to your DD reinforcing that she should continue to tell Susie that she has zero interest in being a teen mom, that she plans on going to college, etc.

This is how it sounds to me too. If your daughter continues to act disinterested in Susie's goings on Susie will probably get bored and move on to someone else.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Am I the only one on the board that thinks it IS her business? It's HER daughter that Little Miss TeenMomToBe is giving get pregnant hints to.

Yeah, she might be lonely and sad, that doesn't give her license to try and talk another kid into getting pregnant with her, does it? Her sad circumstance makes it okay preach about how great it is to "hook up" and get pregnant?

As a mother, that would bother me. I wouldn't go to a counselor, but I WOULD talk to my daughter to explain what she's done isn't "okay" or "right" and I would talk to her about how to shut the girl down when she talked about it by changing the subject and making it clear that's not how she wants to live her life.

To say it's none of the mother's business is just dead wrong to me. The girl has come to the mom with a problem, mom should help her learn how to deal with it.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Am I the only one on the board that thinks it IS her business? It's HER daughter that Little Miss TeenMomToBe is giving get pregnant hints to.

Yeah, she might be lonely and sad, that doesn't give her license to try and talk another kid into getting pregnant with her, does it? Her sad circumstance makes it okay preach about how great it is to "hook up" and get pregnant?

As a mother, that would bother me. I wouldn't go to a counselor, but I WOULD talk to my daughter to explain what she's done isn't "okay" or "right" and I would talk to her about how to shut the girl down when she talked about it by changing the subject and making it clear that's not how she wants to live her life.

To say it's none of the mother's business is just dead wrong to me. The girl has come to the mom with a problem, mom should help her learn how to deal with it.

You aren't the only one.

Sometimes the world seems upside down.

 

[Buckalew11]

Hmm...well, she could be lonely or she could be in the "misery loves company camp" or she could be proud of being pregnant.

Around here, sadly, pregnant teens are hardly alone...there are so many pregnant teens! Just by the things your DD says she said makes me think she is fine with her pregnancy (maybe scared?) and wants to talk about it.

I think your DD could use this situation to come out of her shell a bit and actually rtalk to the girl. Encourage her to stay in school, get her GED, whatever...but keep goals in her mind so she can raise this baby and move forward with her life. Just encourage the girl.

When I was in HS, I was thrown into a class with some of the most different girls (from me) I had ever met. It was an eye opener for me and helped me to relate to a lot of different people and, in my work, that's been a good skill to have.
So, I would not suggest she *counsel* this girl, but encourage this girl. They do not have to be best friends or anything.

 

[Hannathy]

I don't think you should say anything to the counselor, and I'm not sure why you think you should.

DD may feel bothered, but when you said she is being "pestered", I was thinking more along the lines of something threatening.

She's 14 and this is a perfect lesson for her in ridiculous teenagers. If she wants the pregnant girl to quit talking to her about her pregnancy, then she needs to say so. It seems like the girl enjoys your daughter and is sharing with her, even if her opinions and thoughts are immature and unrealistic.

What would the counselor do? He can't fix "pregnant teen mom".

I agree.
She is in High School I don't even know why you think you should but in with something as insignificant as a girl talking to her.

I think this post explains why she is a late bloomer! Quit treating her like she is 3! How in the world is she going to go to college in a few short years if she can't even handle a girl just talking to her, not bothering her not bullying her, not threatening her. Geeze, Step back, cut the apron strings and ask what is happening for homecoming week and let her figure out how to handle it.

 

[Tiger926]

Am I the only one on the board that thinks it IS her business? It's HER daughter that Little Miss TeenMomToBe is giving get pregnant hints to.

Yeah, she might be lonely and sad, that doesn't give her license to try and talk another kid into getting pregnant with her, does it? Her sad circumstance makes it okay preach about how great it is to "hook up" and get pregnant?

As a mother, that would bother me. I wouldn't go to a counselor, but I WOULD talk to my daughter to explain what she's done isn't "okay" or "right" and I would talk to her about how to shut the girl down when she talked about it by changing the subject and making it clear that's not how she wants to live her life.

To say it's none of the mother's business is just dead wrong to me. The girl has come to the mom with a problem, mom should help her learn how to deal with it.

It isn't the OP's business to talk to a counsellor about it - it's her business to talk to her daughter about it, which as a highschooler, I would hope she has already done.

Pregnancy is not a disease that you can catch, so I'm sure her DD is in no danger of getting pregnant.

Speaking to your own children is vastly different than speaking to the school counsellor. Is the OP's true intention one of helping the girl, or is it because she doesn't want this kind of girl talking to her DD? Even if it was to help the girl, there is nothing a school counsellor can do now, as she is already pregnant. This girl may be in need of pregnancy health information, parenting, etc., so a counsellor could help with that, but having her spoken to about inappropriate topics is not much help at this point.

And the OP mentioning that her daughter is a late bloomer who hasn't had a boyfriend yet just seems to pass judgment and show how much better her daughter is than the other girl, and that may be what the true intention of telling a counsellor might be. This is just my opinion, but that's the vibe I'm getting...If I am incorrect, I apologize in advance.

Tiger

 

[OceanAnnie]

It isn't the OP's business to talk to a counsellor about it - it's her business to talk to her daughter about it, which as a highschooler, I would hope she has already done.

Pregnancy is not a disease that you can catch, so I'm sure her DD is in no danger of getting pregnant.

Speaking to your own children is vastly different than speaking to the school counsellor. Is the OP's true intention one of helping the girl, or is it because she doesn't want this kind of girl talking to her DD? Even if it was to help the girl, there is nothing a school counsellor can do now, as she is already pregnant. This girl may be in need of pregnancy health information, parenting, etc., so a counsellor could help with that, but having her spoken to about inappropriate topics is not much help at this point.

Tiger

Exactly what I suggested.

 

[Coconut36]

Honestly, it sounds like the pregnant teen needs a friend. Not that its your daughter's job to be that friend, but she may be realizing being a teen mom is not as great as the MTV show makes it out to be.

That is what I am thinking as well. I am also not saying your DD needs to be her friend but that the girl likely is reaching out and looking to be friends with people. Her life has already changed and will be turned upside down when that baby is born.

Your title and what happened don't really mesh to me..pestering would be to me something a bit more in the lines of "harassing" or bothering..she is simply talking to your DD about what she is dealing with.

I would use it as a life lesson and discuss things like "no welfare isn't going to pay for so much" and all the things this girl will miss out on. It's also an obvious time to speak to DD about pregnancy and how it is not OK to be pregnant so young, the difficulties and challenges..etc. The pregnancy hints..inappropriate. Talking about the pregnancy and baby names I think is fine and as normal as can be expected with a pregnant teen.

At most you could tell the counselor the girl might benefit from someone to talk to or a support group for pregnant teens and mention in a non confrontational way that she is dropping hints about how "easy" teen pregnancy is and how there are boys willing to "help". I would not go flying in the counselors office screaming this girl is being "inappropriate". She is a pregnant 15 year old? and is obviously lacking in judgment in making comments that seem to glorify teen pregnancy but that is the worst thing she has done and I don't call that "pestering".

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I'll jump in here (without being judgmental, etc.)

OP, I understand your feelings and your response!
Your daughter is still quite young.

HOWEVER, this is high school now.
And, yes, at high school, sex, pregnancy, etc.. are going to be encountered.

IMHO, the unfortunate fact here is that 14 years old is considered high school. ( Wasn't that way where and when I was in school)
And, yes some 14 year old kids are still young, un-assertive, etc...

But, nevertheless, I don't think this is a case for direct parental involvement. Your daughter needs to begin to learn how to handle this herself. She needs to learn to try to be more assertive.

BELIEVE ME, MY SON IS NOW 13, AND ESPECIALLY WITH HIS LEARNING DISABILITIES, HE REALLY, REALLY, NEEDS TO LEARN TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE. SO I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THIS FEELS!!!!

But, if at all possible, i really think the thing to do here is to work with your daughter, from the background, to give here the tools, phrases, approaches that she will need. She needs to be able to just say, 'NOPE, not going there, let's talk about something else.' Lather, Rinse, Repeat... over and over for a while, if necessary.

If, after that, this continues on and gets worse....
Then it might be time to re-consider.

Also, just to throw this out there, I would hope that your daughter has other friends, interests, etc... so that this does not become a 'bigger' thing on her radar than it needs to be. If that makes sense.

 

[NicoleMD]

You don't say the context that your DD told you about this conversation. Was she telling you about her day and mentioned it or did SHE actually tell you that it bothered her. Could be that that it bothered YOU more than it did your DD.

If your DD told you this in passing and you run to the school councellor, you run the risk that your DD will stop confiding in you.

I can understand this type of conversation bothering ANY parent, it's not a situation that you want to envision your DD in and it's a bad attitude on the part of "Susie". But I would really think long and hard about who is more upset about this conversation before you did anything.

JMHO


NicoleMD

My DD is 14 and a freshman in high school in our small town. She is somewhat of a "late bloomer" -- she doesn't wear makeup, has never had a boyfriend, she's bookish and quiet. There's a pregnant sophomore in a couple of her classes, and she sits next to the girl ("Susie") in one of her classes. Since this is a small town, and I'm a teacher, DD and Susie know each other. They're not friends, but they are acquainted.

Susie is constantly talking to DD about her pregnancy. She asks if DD wants to feel the baby kick (she doesn't). She gushes about how awesome it will be to stay home and be with the baby when it's born. She asks opinions on baby names.

When DD told me about this, I sympathized with Susie a bit. Especially since I know her. I told DD to be nice, since Susie is probably actually scared and maybe a little embarrassed, and is trying to make up for that.

But then this week, Susie asked DD if she wanted a baby. DD responded that she would like to be a mother, but not until she has finished college and gotten married. Susie said it's so much easier to be a younger mom, and that welfare pays for so much, and there are so many boys that DD could "hook up with" if she wanted to get pregnant.

Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!