WWYD: Pregnancy Situation

[Rora]

Before I proceed, I'd like to let everyone know that I love my cousin dearly and only have her best interest at heart. And, this is long. I appreciate anyone who reads this.

Here we go: DCousin called me the other day to tell me she was pregnant. She didn't think she'd ever get pregnant (really bad PCOS as well as some other issues) so she told her DH that they could try for a baby. She confided in me that he was pushing her to do it because he was getting "old" (35..not old, IMO, but whatever). She said she agreed to try because she truly didn't think she'd be able to get pregnant, and then DH would slowly move on from wanting a baby. They're both very happy in their life and both have said that if they didn't have kids, it wouldn't be the end of the world. DCousin has told me she doesn't want her lifestyle to change for a baby and is "too selfish" for kids-- her words, not mine.

Well, she's pregnant. And devestated. She's pretending to be happy but has told me, her sister (twin), and her two friends that this is the "end of my life", "it's going to ruin my relationship with DH", "our friendships are over", "we aren't going to be able to go on vacation", "what will happen to our football tickets", etc. Long story short: she is NOT excited and pretty much thinks this is end of her life/happiness.

DCousin has also had an eating disorder for as long as we can remember. She is short (probably about 5'0"-5'2") and is 98 pounds. She works out compulsively and binges if she gains even half a pound. So, DCousin keeps telling me "I can't gain weight with this baby", "I'm not getting fat", etc.

Not only does she have this eating disorder but she is terribly insecure and mentally not ready for this child. She has horrible anxiety, thinks her husband will leave her at the drop of a hat (may be true.. but still.. irrational), etc.

Her sister (my other cousin) and I are really really really worried about her. I have NO CLUE how to handle this situation. Her sister wants to tell her she needs counseling but we don't know how to approach this situation.

Pregnant DCousin is not herself. Won't talk to us. Something is clearly wrong. We are worried she will starve herself, become depressed, etc.

I'm in FL, they're in NC. DCousin 2 (not pregnant) wants me to come up and have a "fun girls weekend" together with pregnant DCousin where we also kind of talk to her about our fears, try to help, and whatnot.

Any ideas if this is a smart idea or not? Any ideas on how to handle this? This situation may seem mild via the internet but something is NOT okay with her and we are fearful for her, our family, and the unborn baby.

 

[happygirl]

Before I proceed, I'd like to let everyone know that I love my cousin dearly and only have her best interest at heart. And, this is long. I appreciate anyone who reads this.

Here we go: DCousin called me the other day to tell me she was pregnant. She didn't think she'd ever get pregnant (really bad PCOS as well as some other issues) so she told her DH that they could try for a baby. She confided in me that he was pushing her to do it because he was getting "old" (35..not old, IMO, but whatever). She said she agreed to try because she truly didn't think she'd be able to get pregnant.

Well, she's pregnant. And devestated. She's pretending to be happy but has told me, her sister (twin), and her two friends that this is the "end of my life", "it's going to ruin my relationship with DH", "our friendships are over", "we aren't going to be able to go on vacation", "what will happen to our football tickets", etc. Long story short: she is NOT excited and pretty much thinks this is end of her life/happiness.

DCousin has also had an eating disorder for as long as we can remember. She is short (probably about 5'0"-5'2") and is 98 pounds. She works out compulsively and binges if she gains even half a pound. So, DCousin keeps telling me "I can't gain weight with this baby", "I'm not getting fat", etc.


Not only does she have this eating disorder but she is terribly insecure and mentally not ready for this child. She has horrible anxiety, thinks her husband will leave her at the drop of a hat (may be true.. but still.. irrational), etc.

Her sister (my other cousin) and I are really really really worried about her. I have NO CLUE how to handle this situation. Her sister wants to tell her she needs counseling but we don't know how to approach this situation.

Pregnant DCousin is not herself. Won't talk to us. Something is clearly wrong. We are worried she will starve herself, become depressed, etc.

I'm in FL, they're in NC. DCousin 2 (not pregnant) wants me to come up and have a "fun girls weekend" together with pregnant DCousin where we also kind of break our fears to her.

Any ideas if this is a smart idea or not? Any ideas on how to handle this? This situation may seem mild via the internet but something is NOT okay with her and we are fearful for her, us, and the unborn baby.

I think you need to get her hubby involved, I think some of her fears are common, Praying for all of you

 

[dngnb8]

The issues here are far deeper then a weekend out.

Considering the eating disorders, I would say this is more of the basis. Her self image of getting big is the real issue.

Unless you address her eating disorders, and fast, bad things on the horizon. Eating disorders can destroy lives.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks did she tell her husband they could try for a baby if she really didn't want one!? Even if she didn't think she could get pregnant, you don't do that.

My gosh ... there are tons of women who have been trying and trying (with PCOS, other fertility issues, etc.) and would kill to be in her shoes. I have zero patience for people who cannot discuss something as major as having a baby with their spouse.

This is something a girls weekend won't cure. Her husband needs to know what is going on and how she feels and she needs counseling.

 

[Styx Fan]

I like the idea of a girls weekend if you can do it quickly....and use it as a stepping stone to figuring out what to do next. It's hard from far away to really judge how to help the best.

This is a really hard situation because it involves a child. Usually I would say never get involved in the husband/wife relationship, but you may need to at least alert the DH as to your being concerned something is wrong with her....without revealing too much. Certainly not the fact she didn't really want to get pregnant. But her fears now that she is will have to be addressed and is really something for him to be involved in.

 

[LuvOrlando]

WOW, I don't even know what to say to this, its staggering.

He husband sounds like he is selfish bordering on abusive to ask this of her if she is clearly so incapable of following through with being a mother.

 

[Rora]

I think you need to get her hubby involved, I think some of her fears are common, Praying for all of you

I don't have a child and neither does DCousin #2, but her fears (and other issues-- personal problems, not being able to be honest with her DH, etc) really don't seem common to us.

 

[handinpocket]

Take a deep breath, it is going to be ok. If she wants the baby, she will be ok, even with her eating disorder. First off, she needs to find a forum with Moms with eating disorders, they are out there.

Lots of women didn't really want babies and ended up with one, and things are fine. We are going to hope this is the case for your DC.

Tell her to buy lots of orange juice,skim milk and cereal. This isn't hard on the figure, but the baby will need these nutrients.

 

[happygirl]

I don't have a child and neither does DCousin #2, but her fears really don't seem common to us.

I don't think the I can't gain weight isn't common but I think some of the others are very common

 

[Rora]

I don't think the I can't gain weight isn't common but I think some of the others are very common

That's reassuring to hear, at the very least! Thanks.

 

[RachaelA]

WOW, I don't even know what to say to this, its staggering.

He husband sounds like he is selfish bordering on abusive to ask this of her if she is clearly so incapable of following through with being a mother.

From the OP's story, it doesn't seem like her cousin really told her fears to her husband. Yes he pushed, but she also agreed. the OP doesn't say her husband threatened her or forced her to have a baby.

OP, I don't have any real advice other than to say your cousin needs to start seeing a counselor ASAP. As to how to get her to see one, I don't know.

 

[Andtototoo]

Most of her fears are fairly common. I heard the vast majority of them in my childbirth ed classes when it was "women's only time." I have certainly heard about the fear of gaining weight as well and I have to say that when I was pregnant I was cautioned by several older women out of the blue not to gain more than 25 pounds or my dh would leave me after the baby was born (which was almost 20 years ago, but those warnings were strong and scary enough that I still remember them.) Obviously if your cousin has an eating disorder, this is a more serious situation for her and her unborn baby's health.

If she were my cousin, I would strongly urge her to discuss her fears with her husband with the assistance of a couple's counselor who can help facilitate the conversations. I truly think she has such a confluence of fears and anxiety issues that a trained counselor is critical to a fruitful outcome.

If she would not talk to me on the phone, I would travel to see her. If she did not listen to me, then -- assuming her dh is not an ***** -- I'd talk to him and/or her mother.

 

[happygirl]

That's reassuring to hear, at the very least! Thanks.

I don't want to tell you NOT to worry about her, but I can remember when I was pregnant with my first, I was like life is changing, and I remember thinking no more Disney with a baby to much of a hassle to pack there stuff. That didn't last long lol, I was worried how things would be different after the baby came between my hubby and myself.

 

[CurlyGirl]

He husband sounds like he is selfish bordering on abusive to ask this of her if she is clearly so incapable of following through with being a mother.

He's abusive to ask this of her? Why didn't she tell him she was incapable of following through with being a mother in the first place? Why did she agree to have unprotected sex and risk a pregnancy if she didn't want a baby? He asked her - she agreed. She could've said no and explained her fears. Sorry, but if you have an issue with pregnancy, you discuss that. If you have fears, you express them and work through them and come up with a solution.

This woman had unprotected sex thinking that her PCOS and other issues would be prohibitive to conceiving. That's just like a teenage girl thinking she can't get pregnant the first time she has sex so why even bother with a condom. If you have unprotected sex, you take the risk of getting pregnant, plain and simple.



If she didn't want a baby, she should've voiced her opinions/concerns/etc.

 

[LuvOrlando]

this is the "end of my life", "it's going to ruin my relationship with DH", "our friendships are over", "we aren't going to be able to go on vacation", "what will happen to our football tickets", etc. Long story short: she is NOT excited and pretty much thinks this is end of her life/happiness.


Nothing at all common about any of this

 

[happygirl]

this is the "end of my life", "it's going to ruin my relationship with DH", "our friendships are over", "we aren't going to be able to go on vacation", "what will happen to our football tickets", etc. Long story short: she is NOT excited and pretty much thinks this is end of her life/happiness.


Nothing at all common about any of this

I disagree, a lot of my friends and I had a lot of this same fears. I wouldn't say I wasn't excited I was scared and nervous.

 

[Rora]

OP here: DCousin is totally responsible for getting pregnant. She did NOT tell any of her fears or that she really didn't want a baby to her husband. He isn't a great guy but certainly isn't too big of a jerk and while he may not be the greatest influence (tells her she "needs to hit the gym"-- fueling her eating disorder), he certainly wouldn't have wanted her to get pregnant if she didn't want to.

While her fears may be common, it is her mental instability (pre-pregnancy) that concerns us for her pregnancy.

Again, while I cannot accurately comment since I've never been pregnant.. being sincerly distraught about your season football tickets and your "life being over" concerns me.

 

[luvmy3]

If it were my cousin I'd go, but it wouldn't be for a fun girls weekend. It would be to tell her that she needs help, and she needs to tell her dh how she really feels.

 

[Andtototoo]

OP here: DCousin is totally responsible for getting pregnant. She did NOT tell any of her fears or that she really didn't want a baby to her husband. He isn't a great guy but certainly isn't too big of a jerk and while he may not be the greatest influence (tells her she "needs to hit the gym"-- fueling her eating disorder), he certainly wouldn't have wanted her to get pregnant if she didn't want to.

They definitely need couples counseling -- he's actually making her worse. She undoubtedly choose him in part because he fed into her disorder, giving her an excuse to continue down that path.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't know what kind of friends you have that articulated clearly that they are too selfish for children but ended up being good Mom's but I never knew any.

I know 3 women who said it, one abandoned her family and the other 2 didn't have kids.

I would never have even considered having children with my DH if he ever voiced anything even remotely close to this.