WWYD? Leaving teenager at home...**UPDATE pg 2**

[uprivermama]

Here's the background: We're an extended family of 9
-Me, DH, DS9, DS10
-DBIL, DSIL, DNeice12, DNeice18
-MIL

We have been planning (and saving) for our 1st trip to WDW for about 2 years now, and are set to go early next year. The DNeice 18 has gained a boyfriend, in the meantime, and like a typical teenage girl, is not wanting to leave the boyfriend for two whole weeks (insert mournful teenage puppydog eyes here!!)

A little background on DNeice18: while she is, in fact 18, she is not by any means your average 18 year old. She has Asperger's Syndrome, and cannot function in a normal classroom, takes life skills classes, doesn't interact socially like most people. She lives with DBIL and DSIL, and will for the foreseeable future, because she's on behavior modifying medication and is not able to really be responsible for herself at this point. She looks like a regular kid, but just doesn't speak or act like a regular kid. The boyfriend has a similar disability, and shares the life skills classes with her. They are truly each other's best friends and probably a little more, and I love that she's found someone who she can have a relationship with who understands her and is not looking to take advantage of her in anyway.

DNeice18 has suddenly decided she doesn't want to go to WDW with the family. The reason, of course, is leaving the boyfriend behind. Her mom is sympathetic, and leaning towards leaving her at home. Her dad is not, and is leaning towards making her go, and has even considered inviting boyfriend along. DBIL actually called DH last night to ask our opinions, and we said we needed to sleep on it. I personally think she's not capable of making this kind of decision on her own, and may not get this opportunity again, and that she should go. I can even see bringing the boyfriend (who we all like very much; plus, you'd better believe these two would be very closely supervised at all times!)

So, before I talk to her girl-to-girl tonight, I was just wondering what my DISin' friends might think about this situation. If you have some constructive input, I'd love to hear it. Thanks!

 

[ireland_nicole]

If your family is comfortable with it, and you think they would both do well for that extended time, I'd consider asking the "friend" to come along. They would obviously have to be extremely closely supervised ... (I have a 9 y/o "aspie" w/ extreme ADHD, so we understand the supervision part) How do you think he would do, though... depending on his sensory needs, etc. it could definitely change the dynamics of your vacation. Ideally, it would be great if his whole family could go at the same time, but probably not possible. It's not an easy situation, but I would be sad to see her miss the trip, and staying alone woudn't really be an option for her. Sending you good thoughts and pixie dust, and hoping you resolve the situation soon.

 

[disykat]

If asked my opinion, I would say it's a family vacation - period. She is a member of the family and needs to go. He is not a member of the family so he will stay home. I'd acknowledge that she will miss him, but set rules on calling him or texting him only when it isn't interferring with the family trip, and help her set a budget that she can spend on souveniers for him.

 

[EthansMom]

Let's say that functionally/emotionally your DNiece is 15 years old. Would you let your 15 year-old stay at home alone for two weeks?

I think either the niece should come on the trip without the boyfriend or the boyfriend should come along also. *If* the niece is left behind, she should either be staying at a close family member's home (grandma maybe?) or someone should be staying with her.

 

[uprivermama]

How do you think he would do, though... depending on his sensory needs, etc. it could definitely change the dynamics of your vacation. Ideally, it would be great if his whole family could go at the same time, but probably not possible.

This is the one thing that has been rolling around in my mind too. Yes, we like the kid. Just not as sure about how he would handle all the change in routine, overstimulation, being without his family, etc. And you correctly guessed it's not possible for his family to go at the same time.

I appreciate your insight!

 

[eeyorethegreat]

If asked my opinion, I would say it's a family vacation - period. She is a member of the family and needs to go. He is not a member of the family so he will stay home. I'd acknowledge that she will miss him, but set rules on calling him or texting him only when it isn't interferring with the family trip, and help her set a budget that she can spend on souveniers for him.

This would be my immediate response as well. On the other hand: If the boyfriend is to come along what would need to be considered is how close the rest of the family is with him as well. Will it be awkward for the family or for the boyfriend to be around? Is he capable of managing himself away from home considering all the sensory input and transitions that will be had at WDW? It is one thing to deal with these issues when it is your own child/family member and another to deal with someone else's kid that has significant issues. And what is the financial expectation going to be for the boyfriend would the entire trip be a gift or will he and his family be expected to pay for some of this?

But no, I would NOT leave this girl home alone given that she can not function in a regular class room and needs life skills training at this age, tells me she would not be able to make appropriate decisions if she was left alone.

Incidently, I have 4 kids 3 with AS and one of the 3 also with ADHD- they however, are all very high functioning and
I expect them to lead very "normal" lives as adults.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Chances are he will not be her "boyfriend" by the first of the year.

I says she goes, and he stays home. family vacation.

 

[uprivermama]

Let's say that functionally/emotionally your DNiece is 15 years old. Would you let your 15 year-old stay at home alone for two weeks?

I think either the niece should come on the trip without the boyfriend or the boyfriend should come along also. *If* the niece is left behind, she should either be staying at a close family member's home (grandma maybe?) or someone should be staying with her.

EthansMom, I certainly wouldn't let a 15 year old stay home alone, and frankly, I think in some ways, she's not even functionally equivalent to that age. In some ways yes, some ways no. That's been my biggest hang up all along--Grandma is going on the trip with us, no one (besides boyfriend's family maybe) to really supervise her. I think my DSIL (whom I love dearly, but I very lovingly have to say she's not the brightest star in the sky, if you KWIM) thinks a little bit like a teenager herself, and isn't being practical about allowing her to stay home. DSIL loves her kids and has been a great mom, but this is one of those circumstances that you just don't encounter everyday, and she doesn't quite get the repercussions of DNeice18's request. Thanks for chiming in!

 

[EthansMom]

EthansMom, I certainly wouldn't let a 15 year old stay home alone, and frankly, I think in some ways, she's not even functionally equivalent to that age. In some ways yes, some ways no. That's been my biggest hang up all along--Grandma is going on the trip with us, no one (besides boyfriend's family maybe) to really supervise her. I think my DSIL (whom I love dearly, but I very lovingly have to say she's not the brightest star in the sky, if you KWIM) thinks a little bit like a teenager herself, and isn't being practical about allowing her to stay home. DSIL loves her kids and has been a great mom, but this is one of those circumstances that you just don't encounter everyday, and she doesn't quite get the repercussions of DNeice18's request. Thanks for chiming in!

Just an aside, but BIL and SIL should also be considering long-term (shot or implant maybe?) birth control solutions for your niece, IMO.

 

[uprivermama]

eeyorethegreat, mssandra and disykat: Thanks for weighing in. I really feel like she DEFINITELY should not stay home alone, and it would be my preference that boyfriend stays home, due to his own sensory issues. I would give in on that point if I needed to, but really, I think we should stick to our original gameplan--family only! Maybe they will still be together, who knows. But two weeks of physical separation won't kill them, and there's always calling/texting to allow them to at least communicate.

I think that's what I'll tell her tonight. She kind of looks up to me; I'm not her mom, but she knows I love her and care about her, so hopefully she'll listen!

Thanks everyone!

 

[tlh0726]

Before we invite any of our friends or oldest DS' friends to join us for an extended vacation we always plan a mini weekend or day trip to local amusement parks or similiar to see how they handle different situations, what they like or do not like, etc.
I can without a doubt tell you that we saved some dear friendships by finding out that we love each other dearly but there is no way no how we could last for more than 2 days with each other

I would suggest your DBIL and DSIL do the same.

We have done both options.
On the trips that we leave DS17 home either grandma stays at our house, he stays at his dad's or a combination of both. No way would I leave him unsupervised.
We have also invited DS' now ex girlfriend on a few trips. Some went well and others we could not wait to get home.

personally, for a 2 week trip there is no way I would invite anyone other than my immediate family. There are two many variable factors, personalities, etc, etc. to ruin the trip for everyone.

They have time not to rush into a decision. In the meantime, I would make it perfectly clear to her that she does not have an option, she is going on the family vacation.
What about talking with the boy's family. Maybe together they could work out something that neither of them look like the bad guy.

 

[msmayor]

Since its not your child, I'd say very respectably that its a parenting decision HER parents should make, and they should do what they feel most comfortable doing.

 

[uprivermama]

Since its not your child, I'd say very respectably that its a parenting decision HER parents should make, and they should do what they feel most comfortable doing.

I guess you missed the part where I mentioned that DBIL specifically asked for our advice. And the part where I asked for constructive input.

 

[disykat]

I guess you missed the part where I mentioned that DBIL specifically asked for our advice. And the part where I asked for constructive input.

Please don't scold people for answering your post! I think this was constructive advice. This poster simply has the opinion that you should decline to give the advice asked for. Perfectly valid opinion. This poster didn't flame you!

 

[tiggspring]

I worked with at risk and special needs families for many years and my dh is a risk manager for a large mental health agency. I understand the challeges you will be facing but there is a legal issue too. Depending on dn status and the state she lives in leaving her home could be considered abandonment. If she does not qualify for independant living at 18 she may still be considered a minor. Also the BF would be legally your responsibility while away both if he did something illegal or just severley inappropriate.you would want to know the laws on this both from his home state and FLa becuase either could apply. Legaly it gets really tricky at this age.also challeged teens this age are much more intimatly active than anyone expects and due to hippa regulation your dn providers,if she has any, would not legally be allowed to tell dn mom and dad about her intimate activities with her boyfriend. I say family vaca she goes he stays!!! Besides even in normal circumstances family time without bf's should be encorraged once in a while. GOOD LUCK!!
Sorry for spell etc on blackberry and a challeged speller lol!

 

[chrisw127]

I would not let her stay at home alone. I say give the boyfriend a chance and let him come too.

Once of my dearest friends has a 19-year old daughter with Aspbergers. She is bright and charming in her own way (a second year engineering major at a large university, she lives in the dorm but does not really fit in socially with the other girls), but she is much like your neice in other ways. I went on a short trip to Disney last year with her and her mom and some other friends and she was just this amazing, enthusiastic kid; she even helped with my six-year old so I could do a few things (supervised by her mom). Seeing the parks through the eyes of someone who isn't cynical and who doesn't have the usual filiter that most of us have was a unique experience. Watching her and my son's reactions to the Beauty and the Beast show at DHS is one of my favorite Disney memories.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I just read your post to my DH and we came up with how we think we would handle the situation. We had a 14 year old son with Asperger's so we understand the unique challenges this condition presents to families.

We would tell the 18 year old that this is a family vacation and she needs to go with the family. It would also be a good opportunity to explain that when you're dating someone, there are times when you'll be separated for periods of time and it's not the end of the world. You need to have experiences together and apart and that will make the relationship even stronger.

As for whether the boyfriend comes on the trip, that would depend on several factors. Is he able to spend 2 weeks away from his own family? Does he have any extreme behaviors that would be difficult for the adults to manage? Having him over for dinner is one thing, but being with him 24/7 on a vacation is another. It also depends upon whether his parents feel comfortable with him going. On the one hand, it would be nice for your niece to have someone her age with her. On the other hand, it would be good for her to see that she can spend time away from him and survive.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for everyone!

 

[msmayor]

I guess you missed the part where I mentioned that DBIL specifically asked for our advice. And the part where I asked for constructive input.

Actually, I didn't miss that part. I would still politely decline to offer advice and instead say to my DBIL that "while I am flattered you asked my advice, I really think this is a decision that you and your wife should make as you both know your daughter the best, and whether or not you feel she can handle being alone OR whether the family can handle having an extra person along."

I offered up an opinion of what to do, which is what you asked for, and didn't think I offered up in any mean or snarky way. I'm sorry if you felt that my piece of advice wasn't constructive.

 

[DisSpirits]

Here's the only insight I can give you. I was 18, almost 19 when our first "family trip to Disney" occured. Due to the fact that my parents forgot to tell me we were going on vacation, so I couldn't get the time off from work, I had to stay behind. I had a GREAT week!! I had a HUGE week!!

And I'm telling you, THERE'S NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH MY TEENAGERS ARE GOING TO STAY HOME DURING A FAMILY VACATION!!!

Just my thoughts. Take it for what it's worth!!

 

[tlh0726]

I'm back

The main thing that concerns me (and DH) is the length of the trip. 2 weeks is a long time to. As both another PP and I stated, having dinner with someone and being with that someone 24/7 are totally 2 different things.
If it was a shorter trip we would tell them in a heartbeat to invite the new boyfriend and have a great time.