WWYD - Gifts to family that live far away - sorry long

[suejai]

Some background: My brother, his wife and two daughters(7 & 9), used to live about 40 minutes away and we would either go to his place or they would come to ours for holiday meals, birthdays etc and for Christmas. So obviously we would exchange gifts. Two years ago he moved across the country so we haven't seen them since then. We continued to send my nieces gifts for birthdays and Christmas, as well as souveniers from our first Disney trip. They have never reciprocated by sending gifts or even a card for my son's birthday or Christmas. I figured that it was because they were on a very tight budget, and I understood, but they could have acknowledged the occasions in some way. Add to this I have recently discovered that my nieces have either destroyed or let the dog destroy basically every thing we have ever given them - very disheartening. However, we give gifts because we enjoy giving them and want my nieces to know that we miss them and still think about them. We spent a lot of time and energy getting them special things that we thought they would treasure, based on their interests.

Would you still send gifts or just a card with money and maybe a book or DVD or just not send anything at all. I'm torn, DH thinks we should send nothing as he is ticked off that they take no care of their things.

 

[Jennasis]

TIme to resort to Christmas cards only, maybe with a gift card inside.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I will have to preface this by saying it is nice that you think that people enjoy your "hard work" into buying gifts however some of us just don't care about "things". I am one of them.

Now I would not go so far as to give the dog your gifts but I can say that if I did not reciprocate it means I am sending you a message to stop sending the gifts.

In other words, take the hint.

 

[Angelhalo]

I say that if you truly ENJOY giving the gifts then what happens to them after you give them or whether they are acknowleged etc shouldn't matter. If you like to do it then keep doing it.

However if you are going to send them and then get upset when nothing is sent back or they aren't acknowledged then stop doing it. If you truly want nothing more than for your nieces to know that you think about them and care about them then send a card or call them on the phone and speak to them.

When I give gists I try not to worry about whether I will get gifts in return or what may happen to the gift after it is given. I just give them because I enjoy giving them. If that ever changed, then I would stop giving them.

 

[momrek06]

This is the way it was becoming with DH's married niece.

We would exchange year after year and then they stopped.

I continued for awhile even though they did not. I decided that Christmas is for the kiddos and decided to send gifts just to them.

I always went to Barnes & Noble AFTER Xmas and picked up children's discounted (50%) Xmas books. Stashed them away until early Dec the next year.

I then sent the books along with McDonalds gift cards. I never received a note ever. Eventually I just stopped completely. That was that.

OP, how about gift cards...just a little something. If you don't hear a word after this Xmas...then I would stop for 2010.

 

[Stitchfans]

Sounds like my brother and his family. His wife is spoiled and comes from a very well to do family who believe if it is broken, or lost no big deal just go buy a new one. Therefore she is raising their 4 like that. To keep peace my brother just goes along with the program.
What I have been doing lately since everything I buy them is destroyed or lost is just buy small things on clearance. DD does get gifts which usually she can't use, but I figure at least they are acknowledging her so I can't stop buying for them. But that is what I do, just don't spend much of anything. Just a token gift. This way it can't come back that you slighted them. JMO. for what its worth.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would stop sending gifts and either open an account for each of them into which you deposit $$ for special occasions to be given to them at a time, probably later in their lives, when they would appreciate it more. But I would stop, in effect, wasting my money buying them things that they don't appreciate now.

For the current time, I would agree that a note or phone call for special occasions is a good way to let them know you love & miss them.

 

[starrzone]

First of all, I'm sorry that these relatives aren't cherishing the gifts you so thoughtfully pick out for them. I'm very much like you; I enjoy giving gifts that I've thought abut and that are tailored to what I believe are the individual's interests.

Have you thought about doing a family gift? Perhaps a family pass to a museum, zoo, or amusement park, or maybe a gift certificate for a night at a nice hotel or something where the girls can use the pool. That way, you are still letting the family know you care about them but your gift (hopefully) isn't going to waste.

Gift giving is tricky; some people say that you should be grateful for what you get, while others say that you should ask people what they want to avoid getting them something that they will just re-gift or throw away. Best of luck to you, and let us know what you decide to do!

p.s.- I saw you're in AB; is your brother and family by any chance in the Maritimes?

 

[C.Ann]

I would stop sending gifts and either open an account for each of them into which you deposit $$ for special occasions to be given to them at a time, probably later in their lives, when they would appreciate it more. But I would stop, in effect, wasting my money buying them things that they don't appreciate now.

For the current time, I would agree that a note or phone call for special occasions is a good way to let them know you love & miss them.

Excellent idea!

 

[EthansMom]

OP, I'm in the same boat as you... lots of distant family (all my side) and many local family that don't reciprocate with gift giving.

We long ago went to giving gifts only to the children for holidays, birthdays, etc.. but, even there, my SILs aren't always good about reciprocating and, certainly, none of my nieces and nephews NEED any more stuff. And the shipping costs for toys cost as much as the toys cost me!!!

Last year, I gave the distant nieces and nephews GCs (Claire's for the older girl and Toys R Us for the younger kids). They loved them! I bought gifts for the local niece and nephews but due to SIL having a big snit and refusing to get together at Christmas (over something really stupid). I just sent the gifts over to Grandma's for them. Well, of course, the niece and nephew ripped through their presents so quickly that they didn't even pay attention to who gave them what.

This year, we'll be giving the distant nieces and nephew modest GCs again. The local niece and nephews will be getting a modest amount of cash. I don't have to stress over what to get for each child, shipping won't break me, and I know they will each use what I give.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am trying to figure out how to get people to stop giving me gifts. I have enough "stuff". I don't need more. I would LOVE to have people take the $$ they would have spent on a gift for me and donate it to one of my favorite charities (or one of theirs, for that matter). However, when I bring this uup it is met with sheer horror , as if I had said "Let's perform a human sacifice on Christmas Day instead of exchanging gifts".

And I am talking about the adult-to-adult exchange. Obviously the kids would always get a gift.

 

[laughinplace199]

I am trying to figure out how to get people to stop giving me gifts. I have enough "stuff". I don't need more. I would LOVE to have people take the $$ they would have spent on a gift for me and donate it to one of my favorite charities (or one of theirs, for that matter). However, when I bring this uup it is met with sheer horror , as if I had said "Let's perform a human sacifice on Christmas Day instead of exchanging gifts".

I love the way you worded that. I wonder if the Tag Fairy is around here today ...

I love the idea of giving to a charity instead of receiving a gift! I'm sorry that your family members don't seem to agree.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe they don't want to exchange gifts? I give gifts to my sister's kids, but not to DH's siblings kids (we don't even send them cards, and they don't send us cards). Some people like to exchange, others don't. And just because they broke the gifts you sent doesn't make them monsters - no reason why your DH has to be ticked off.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I would stop sending gifts and either open an account for each of them into which you deposit $$ for special occasions to be given to them at a time, probably later in their lives, when they would appreciate it more. But I would stop, in effect, wasting my money buying them things that they don't appreciate now.

For the current time, I would agree that a note or phone call for special occasions is a good way to let them know you love & miss them.

This is a fantastic idea. I'm now considering starting this for my godsons this year. Thank you!

 

[suejai]

First of all, I'm sorry that these relatives aren't cherishing the gifts you so thoughtfully pick out for them. I'm very much like you; I enjoy giving gifts that I've thought abut and that are tailored to what I believe are the individual's interests.

Have you thought about doing a family gift? Perhaps a family pass to a museum, zoo, or amusement park, or maybe a gift certificate for a night at a nice hotel or something where the girls can use the pool. That way, you are still letting the family know you care about them but your gift (hopefully) isn't going to waste.

Gift giving is tricky; some people say that you should be grateful for what you get, while others say that you should ask people what they want to avoid getting them something that they will just re-gift or throw away. Best of luck to you, and let us know what you decide to do!

p.s.- I saw you're in AB; is your brother and family by any chance in the Maritimes?

That sounds like a nice idea.

And yes they are in the Maritimes - how did you know?

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I am trying to figure out how to get people to stop giving me gifts. I have enough "stuff". I don't need more. I would LOVE to have people take the $$ they would have spent on a gift for me and donate it to one of my favorite charities (or one of theirs, for that matter). However, when I bring this uup it is met with sheer horror , as if I had said "Let's perform a human sacifice on Christmas Day instead of exchanging gifts".

And I am talking about the adult-to-adult exchange. Obviously the kids would always get a gift.

I am in a similar situation. I am single mom. For some reason every friend and relative we have insists on giving my dd christmas gifts. When I suggest that they spend some time with her, not for babysittying mind but just quality time, instead of giving her these gifts they act like I have committed a horrible crime.

Its crazy!! DD has no need for all this stuff. If dd wants stuff - I can work for the stuff if it is really needed. But no one needs all this stuff. It is the time with other adults that care about her that I cannot "buy" for her.

Now ofcourse if you ask her she enjoys it but to walk in my home to look at her room and our living room you would have no idea that we are on a tight budget.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am in a similar situation. I am single mom. For some reason every friend and relative we have insists on giving my dd christmas gifts. When I suggest that they spend some time with her, not for babysittying mind but just quality time, instead of giving her these gifts they act like I have committed a horrible crime.

Its crazy!! DD has no need for all this stuff. If dd wants stuff - I can work for the stuff if it is really needed. But no one needs all this stuff. It is the time with other adults that care about her that I cannot "buy" for her.

Now ofcourse if you ask her she enjoys it but to walk in my home to look at her room and our living room you would have no idea that we are on a tight budget.

Here is how I got my mom to stop "buying". I would have garage sales and sell the stuff. She would come by horrified that I was selling the STUFF SHE GAVE US.

I would just calmly tell her that they don't play with it, they have too much, etc....

After 3yrs she "got it". She went on vacation and when I talked to her she said, now I am buying stuff for your other family but I am not getting you anything because I know you don't want "clutter".

Success!!!!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Here is how I got my mom to stop "buying". I would have garage sales and sell the stuff. She would come by horrified that I was selling the STUFF SHE GAVE US.

I would just calmly tell her that they don't play with it, they have too much, etc....

After 3yrs she "got it". She went on vacation and when I talked to her she said, now I am buying stuff for your other family but I am not getting you anything because I know you don't want "clutter".

Success!!!!

Good idea!

The problem is that my friends and family seem to think I am unable to provide dd with an exciting christmas. I just want to scream - yes I am a single mom but I am not dead!!! I take care of getting her gifts - the things I know she really wants. But I also try to make christmas an experience not just a bunch of gifts. I want dd to undertand the magic and meaning of it all.

We bake cookies, we make gifts for people, we pick kids from angel trees that are dds age for her to shop for (she picks something she would like or wants that is also on her list), we visit with friends and family, we attend church, and so on.

I would rather these people share an experience with dd. I have finally convinced one of my cousins that an afternoon with dd getting thier nails done and having a girls lunch means so much more than a toy. DD loves her time with this cousin.

My point is I can get my dd a toy if need be but the only thing I cannot do as a single mom is be more than one person. I would rather these people express thier love, interest and concern for her by spending time with her rather than showing it with gifts.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Good idea!

The problem is that my friends and family seem to think I am unable to provide dd with an exciting christmas. I just want to scream - yes I am a single mom but I am not dead!!! I take care of getting her gifts - the things I know she really wants. But I also try to make christmas an experience not just a bunch of gifts. I want dd to undertand the magic and meaning of it all.

We bake cookies, we make gifts for people, we pick kids from angel trees that are dds age for her to shop for (she picks something she would like or wants that is also on her list), we visit with friends and family, we attend church, and so on.

I would rather these people share an experience with dd. I have finally convinced one of my cousins that an afternoon with dd getting thier nails done and having a girls lunch means so much more than a toy. DD loves her time with this cousin.

My point is I can get my dd a toy if need be but the only thing I cannot do as a single mom is be more than one person. I would rather these people express thier love, interest and concern for her by spending time with her rather than showing it with gifts.

Oh I know what you mean. I know you want to believe their story "because you are a single mother".

I am here to tell you that it is not true. They buy because they want to shower your dd with gifts. Nice try on the excusometer though.

 

[suejai]

Maybe they don't want to exchange gifts? I give gifts to my sister's kids, but not to DH's siblings kids (we don't even send them cards, and they don't send us cards). Some people like to exchange, others don't. And just because they broke the gifts you sent doesn't make them monsters - no reason why your DH has to be ticked off.

Where did I say that I thought they were monsters? Maybe I should have clarified that DH is more ticked off at my brother for not teaching his children better manners, and to take better care of their belongings; and really "ticked" is overstating it. He works hard for his money and it is disheartening to see it being shredded with no care or concern.