Would You Tell a Manager About This?

[AnaheimGirl]

I'm surprised your dd's reactions haven't clued her in yet. When people do this kind of thing with my kids, the response usually tells them what they're doing and they start saying "yes, you should ask your mom before talking to / taking something from a stranger."

Anyway, if it were me, I'd probably give the cashier one more chance to catch a clue by taking the passive-aggressive route. Next time, I'd audibly praise my dd for her reaction: "Good job, sweetie. That's exactly right. Always yell NO and move away if a stranger wants to touch you or take you home."

If that doesn't clue her in, I'd also talk to her before telling a manager. Or if you feel the front of the store isn't private enough to talk to her, maybe you could write her a note and slip it to her when in her line, telling her "I need to tell you something privately, but since I can't here in the store, I wrote it down."

Then you could give her a nice explanation of how her actions appear to your dd. Tell her you know she's trying to be nice, but in this day and age... blah blah blah...

Then if she still doesn't stop, yes, I'd tell the manager. If it were a male cashier telling women he wanted to take them home, it'd be considered sexual harassment, regardless of his age or intent. If she continues after being told how you feel about it, I'd have no qualms telling her boss.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When you have an insecure dog, you are supposed to step in front of a person making a bee-line to your dog and then stop them.
When you do this you take control and the dog knows it.

I would apply this same philosophy to your dd. Step in front of the woman or put your dd behind you and stop her. Explain in a polite & nice way that your dd is downright scared of her and you are asking her to stop with the touching & comments.

A normal response will be apology from her. She may not understand what is going on.
I would doubt it since your dd is crying. It just doesn't sound right to me.

 

[CajunDixie]

I'd call the manager now, before it happens again. Why terrorize your child by letting the behaviour continue? What is more important? Your child or some strangers feelings? My kids still remember the loony woman at the laundry when they were little. She was a wacko and I never took them back there again if she was there.

If you wait until it happens again and then say something directly to the woman not only is your child going to be upset again but the woman may not take to kindly to you telling her to not talk to your child. Then you'll be avoiding her even when you don't have your child with you. Just look at the responses on this thread to see how she may react. I can't believe anyone here would think it's no big deal that a child feels frightened and angry......who cares how old this woman is?

If the OP had said some 30 year old man was saying stuff like that to her daughter everyone would be screaming for her to contact the manager.

 

[chamonix]

Hmm. when I read this thread I see that every person on this thread "cares"--they told the OP how to stop it either by talking to the cashier or the manager, or by avoiding her. Noone said "make sure your dd cries really loud next time so the manager notices," or anything like that. I think everyone on the thread agrees that the OP is right in shielding her dd from this and putting a stop to it. (am I missing any posts that said "Oh get over it, next time hand her your daughter and tell your dd to stop being such a WUSS"?)

I agree with those that said the OP needs to try to be direct with the cashier first, then go to the manager. Obviously she hasn't "gotten it" from your "tone, body language or expression". As someone upthread said, don't let it happen again, step in between them before it starts (or do it without your child there) and tell her in no uncertain terms not to talk to or touch your daughter. Say, "Please do not talk to my daughter or touch her anymore, you are scaring her, and we have taught her not to talk to strangers." Don't worry about making her uncomfortable or embarrassing her! I am sure she would be more uncomfortable if you report her to her boss! It's not embarrassing to say "My child doesn't like to be touched or talked to, please stop". or say "Please don't say you will steal my child, it's not a joke, stranger danger is an important tool we teach our children these days. Please don't do it anymore. It makes me and my daughter very uncomfortable."

I had to do this at our favorite chinese restaurant. We eat there weekly and have for years and years. They thought they were being really nice to her, but she was terrified of them (the two manager guys). She actually kicked one guy in the butt when he touched her and scared her! (said something "cute" to her, tried to tickle her, then turned to walk away) They had not understood the body language, expression, etc or did not see and recognized how scared she was of them. I had to ask them directly to step back, leave us alone and not to talk to her before they finally understood. They are really nice and meant well and certainly didn't want her to be terrified or anything either! Sometimes, you just have to be direct and protect your children when they can't tell the person themselves. They get it now, but it took my being very direct. (and over a year!)

If the cashier does it again and doesn't take your words seriously, talk to the manager.

 

[va32h]

Sometimes going by some of the threads on this board, "You are damned if you do and damned if you don't."

Well I certainly agree with that. On any number of issues. It's a tough balance these days, kids and strangers.

I want my kids to grow up friendly, outgoing, polite and respectful to adults. But it is so easy for an unscrupulous adult to take the most terrible advantage of those very qualities.

But if I teach my child to be wary, suspicious, and uncooperative with adults, they might be safe, but they will also be rude and disrespectful.

So we try the "good strangers" and "bad strangers" routine, but the reality is that it is hard enough for we adults to sort out the good ones from the bad, without putting that burden on little kids, who have far fewer resources and experiences with which to make those judgements.

Of course I don't really think this woman is going to kidnap my child.

But I do think that adults should respect a child's personal space. My husband used to require our kids to hug and kiss his relatives, whom they hardly ever saw. I had to really put my foot down about that, and point out the ramifications of making kids feel obliged to give affection to any adult who requested it.

Anyway, I've gone off topic. The bottom line is - I don't like being confrontational. I'm embarrassed that my daughter has such a clear dislike for someone who I know is just trying to be nice, and it would be easier for me to tell a manager, and make it his problem, than have an uncomfortable conversation with the cashier directly.

There! I admitted it!

 

[poohandwendy]

Personally, the next time it happens I would nicely tell her that you are not comfortable with her comments or her touching your DD. If she means no harm then she will not do it again and as long as you are nice about it she shouldn't get too defensive.

I would also try to avoid her line--there is a cashier at our local Giant store who I try to avoid because she's always ripping the store and their policies and as a customer I don't need to hear it.

Then if it continues I would go to the manager.

This is exactly what i would do too.

I would not go to the manager until I knew I made myself perfectly clear and she completely disregarded my concerns.

 

[Evil Queen]

So you are going straight to the manager?

 

[Rella Bella]

But, you don't want to get this lady in trouble with her employer either, if it's harmless. Next time you go alone, can you go through her line, and say you would like to speak to her privately? Maybe you two can bag your groceries together or something (for her to get close enough for you to whisper to her), that it is nothing personal but you have taught your daughter how to react to strangers saying those types of comments and with being touched, and for her to refrain from it. You also would not have to make excuses each time your daughter shows dislike. If she continues then go to the manger.

I think this makes tons of sense! She is probably oblivious to what she is doing as it relates to todays society -- I remember adults talking like that all the time when I was a kid -- but now it's really insensitive. If you go the harder road and actually say something it might get her attention and help out the whole neighborhood!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As far as stranger danger--I have never told my kids not to talk to strangers and I never will. First of all, I will be there when they are young to protect them, so that's not a concern. When they are older we talk about not going with strangers, etc, but there have been plenty of studies that show that kids can easily be pursuaded to go with a stranger (I lost my puppy, I'm a police officer, etc) that direct supervision is really the only safeguard until they are old enough to really understand it. And lastly, it would absolutely traumatize my 6yo not to be able to talk with strangers (my other kids would have been fine with it, for the most part).

I started a thread about Jake last week--how he doesn't have a shy bone in his body and loves to talk with people. It would break my heart to tell him that he could never do that and my job to make sure that he does it safely without driving those strangers crazy.

Just my 2 cents concerning that topic.

 

[poohandwendy]

As far as stranger danger--I have never told my kids not to talk to strangers and I never will. First of all, I will be there when they are young to protect them, so that's not a concern. When they are older we talk about not going with strangers, etc, but there have been plenty of studies that show that kids can easily be pursuaded to go with a stranger (I lost my puppy, I'm a police officer, etc) that direct supervision is really the only safeguard until they are old enough to really understand it. And lastly, it would absolutely traumatize my 6yo not to be able to talk with strangers (my other kids would have been fine with it, for the most part).

I started a thread about Jake last week--how he doesn't have a shy bone in his body and loves to talk with people. It would break my heart to tell him that he could never do that and my job to make sure that he does it safely without driving those strangers crazy.

Just my 2 cents concerning that topic.

Again, ITA. The important thing, IMO, is to stress what to do if they are in an uncomfortable situation, stranger or not. If they feel uncomfortable, for any reason, they need to know what to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The bottom line is - I don't like being confrontational. I'm embarrassed that my daughter has such a clear dislike for someone who I know is just trying to be nice, and it would be easier for me to tell a manager, and make it his problem, than have an uncomfortable conversation with the cashier directly.

There! I admitted it!

AH-HA!!!

I know you don't like confrontation but can you think of doing this for your dd, not YOU! Might make it easier for you to do it.
I want you to show your dd that 'mommy' is in charge and will do what it takes to protect her, even if you are uncomfortable.
Try it on for size, just this once.

 

[disykat]

I wouldn't, because some kids probably love it. Many people just don't "get" that not all children react the same. In her experience she just thinks kids like that.

If you have to use her line, keep it simple. Step in front of your daughter and matter of factly say "please don't talk to my daughter, she is frightened".

If she ignores you and does it anyway, THEN I would go to management.

 

[poohandwendy]

AH-HA!!!

I know you don't like confrontation but can you think of doing this for your dd, not YOU! Might make it easier for you to do it.
I want you to show your dd that 'mommy' is in charge and will do what it takes to protect her, even if you are uncomfortable.
Try it on for size, just this once.

LOL, I could not agree more. Honestly, as a parent there will be many, many more situations where there will not be a manager to handle the confrontation.

You are setting an example for your DD and once you face this type of thing once or twice, it will be all the easier to deal with bigger issues that will invariably come up over the years of parenting. It helps your DD to have the tools later, when your example is one of stepping up the plate when necessary.

You can handle this on your own with poise, I know it.

 

[becjlek]

I am another one that doesn't like confrontations but it sounds to me like you have tried to let the cashier know without being rude about it. In this case I think I would go to the manager. I look at it that it is not my job to deal with the cashier about job issues , it is the manager's job. I would make the call.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Did you say that she once almost tried to take the child from your arms?

If she 'touched' your child, then you do have cause to speak to the manager.

I have to say that I totally agree with and understand your feelings!!!! Why do people think that our innocent child is their plaything