Would you be upset???**UPDATE POST#51**

[cra-z-4-dizney]

OK how do I tell this story??

OK, I handle all the bills in the house. DH gets an allowence each week, then the rest of the money goes into checking & savings. Well DH hasn't had a raise in like 3-4 years, so I have been on him about telling his boss he needs a raise. Well, his boss...not the owner, but his boss is also his best friend...anyway, he has yet to say anything about a raise. Well the past two days, he has been buying stuff left and right..like he bought a new steering wheel cover for his truck, bought stuff for an oil change, went out this morning bought coffees at wawa, went and got some cleaning stuff at the store, and then came home with flowers for me(he has only bought flowers for me 2 times before, once when we first started dating he was running really really late, then another time for mothers day from the girls. So I am like did you hit the lottery and not tell me...he says something like yeah whatever...Well, he went out tonight to watch the hockey game and in his hat that was sitting on the dresser was a peice of paper, so I open it up, and he got a $150.00 bonus and didn't tell me...would you be upset??? I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me. I am trying to save money for him to go to WDW with his mom next week, and for us to go in Dec, and he gets a bonus and doesn't tell me. Am I wrong to be hurt???

 

[lulugirl]

Maybe he doesn't like that you control the money and this was his opportunity to indulge himself a bit?
I would be mildly annoyed that he didn't share it w/ me.

 

[Goofball]

Unless he was saving it for a surprise or something like that, I would definitely be wondering what was up. And not happily.

 

[MsDisney23]

How about leaving a pillow & blanket next to the door when for when he gets home tonight for starter's! I would be very honest with him and tell him how this made you feel! I would also remind him of the hard work you are doing to save money for both trips, etc. Oh yes i would be PO'd.

You know us woman we can be very verible and we are such wonder creature's, we don't forget anything....

Or you could have some fun with him, act like nothing has happened at all. I would sit this fool up big time! Wait a few days, then tell him that the Travel agent called, etc. and there has been some changes to his upcoming trip with his Mother, Make sure it has to do with money somehow, but do not make it the 150.00 make it some strange amount like 223.00. Tell him some bull that there is a Fuel Surcharge! Oh I would get him!

 

[diznygirl]

Well, he DID buy you flowers!



Seriously, yes I would be angry. And DH would get an earful from me.

 

[Aurora63]

I'd probably be a little upset. But, it sounds like your DH has very little control or say so in how the money in your household is spent. So, given the case you've described, I'm not surprised that he would want to spend his bonus his way and not tell you about it. Maybe he could take a more active role in the finances? Maybe then he would be more apt to tell you about his work bonuses.

 

[LoraJ]

I'd probably be a little upset. But, it sounds like your DH has very little control or say so in how the money in your household is spent. So, given the case you've described, I'm not surprised that he would want to spend his bonus his way and not tell you about it. Maybe he could take a more active role in the finances? Maybe then he would be more apt to tell you about his work bonuses.

I agree with this.
I see way too many guys at work feeling resentment towards their wives who control all of their money. It is sad to hear them beg their wives to be allowed to use some of their hard earned money to buy new tires or something else they need.

 

[cra-z-4-dizney]

Me paying the bills was not my idea it was his, I have tried so many times to try and sit down with him and take care of the bills together, but he never has time...between work, he also plays hockey, and coaches soccer...and I am not mad that he spent it, but he could have told me about it...and said hey I got this bonus, here's 50 to put towards the trip, I want the rest of it, or Hey I got a bonus, but I need a few extra things this week. I really don't care that he wanted to keep it for himself, I am just mad at the fact that he didn't tell me about it.

 

[disneymcgraw]

I don't think that I'd be angry with him, but I'd ask about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, if you are the one paying the bills, then that is the arrangement.

But, other than that... restricting your DH to an 'allowance'!!!
He is an adult!!!

I can sense some real 'control issues' here...

There is a LOT more to this situation than one short post can convey.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I really don't care that he wanted to keep it for himself, I am just mad at the fact that he didn't tell me about it.

Ummm, I think instead of being mad, you should asking WHY he didn't tell you about it.

I think the answer is probably self explanatory.
If he felt that you would be so 'generous' as to let him spend a few bucks without question, then he might not have felt the need to keep it secret.

Telling you, and being able to spend some $$$ without your 'approval' seem kind of mutually-exclusive???

 

[lizanne]

I'm probably in the minority here, but I say give the guy a break. The idea that he is given an "allowance" each week kind of turned me off. I too pay all the bills in our house and my husband was never given an allowance. He kept what ever cash he needed and if he wanted/needed something and didn't have the money he put it on a credit card and then I paid for it out of the bill money when the credit card bill came in. He didn't take advantage of the situation and he never asked me to account for any of the money he gave (and still does give) me. We'll be married 35 years Monday.

It's not like he went out drinking or blew the money at the race track, you say he bought cleaning supplies, oil change for the car, something for his truck, coffee, and FLOWERS FOR YOU. Sounds to me like it felt really good to have some money in his pocket.

Sure, he should have told you but don't be mad, especially if he's a good guy and you have no reason to think that he keeps things from you on a regular basis. Tell him the "bonus" paper fell out of his hat and you were wondering why he didn't tell you.

I'm not being critical of how you feel. I know that it can be difficult to find money in the household budget for vacations, heck, sometimes it's difficult to find money to pay all the bills. Being the one responsible to make those payments is a thankless job and it is a job. Maybe he just needed a break from the routine of handing over the money.

 

[cra-z-4-dizney]

OK, the "allowence" is something that we BOTH agreed on, we are in the process of trying to save for a house, these are not MY "rules" but something that we are at a mutual agreement about, I get an "allowence" too. Didn't really mean it in a kid sense, just was a good word to use...guess I should have said a weekly budget. Like I said, not mad because he wanted to spend the money, or did spend the money, but the fact that he felt he couldn't come to me and tell me about it. There is no control issue here, he wants me to take care of the bills and he has his own credit cards and complete access to the checking and savings accounts.

 

[Sparx]

Its his money. Seems like he doesn't get too much to spend and he wanted to play around with it a little. I wouldn't be mad.

 

[Rella Bella]

You ask "should I be mad?" But really your feelings got hurt.
I would go with that. Give him a chance to fess up by saying something like "It was so nice of you to bring me flowers... especially on your allowance." If that doesn't get him to spill I'd wait a day and then at a time when you're both calm and alone bring up that you found the stub and it hurt you're feelings that he hadn't said anything. If you do it that way you'll make your point without starting a "money-arguement" AND make him feel like he wished he would have told you... instead of thinking 'that's why I didn't want you to know'.

 

[paigevz]

Well, this is why dh and I have always kept our money separate and split bills. That way we each can decide how and when to spend any "extra" money.......or even if we have it. We can pool our money when needed, and bail each other out.

I wouldn't be mad that he didn't tell me about the bonus. I'd be worried that he didn't want to share the news with me, and I'd be thinking perhaps he's not satisfied with the arrangement or his "allowance". Who set the allowance amount? Maybe it should be renegotiated. I think you too should have a talk about it, but I'd approach it from, "I see you got a bonus. That must have been exciting. I am worried that you didn't share the news with me because you thought you couldn't say you wanted to spend it. I want to be a part of any good things that happen to you." And then listen.

 

[lizanne]

I'm sorry if I said anything that offended you.

I just don't think you should be mad, or confrontational about it. Just ask him and see what he has to say. You'll know how to respond.

 

[cra-z-4-dizney]

You ask "should I be mad?" But really your feelings got hurt.
I would go with that. Give him a chance to fess up by saying something like "It was so nice of you to bring me flowers... especially on your allowance." If that doesn't get him to spill I'd wait a day and then at a time when you're both calm and alone bring up that you found the stub and it hurt you're feelings that he hadn't said anything. If you do it that way you'll make your point without starting a "money-arguement" AND make him feel like he wished he would have told you... instead of thinking 'that's why I didn't want you to know'.

You are right, I am not mad, but upset, so I changed my title and my wording. The "allowence" thing was something that we both agreed on, it is not something that I said had to happen. And it is just money we both get out of the budget each week to "blow", if there are things that either of us need, WE, not just me have free range of the checking. It is not "for" anything in particular, like clothes, or food, but just if we want to go to the movies, or like I said before he plays hockey and uses some of his money for ref fees. I just don't understand why he didn't tell me.

 

[cra-z-4-dizney]

I'm sorry if I said anything that offended you.

I just don't think you should be mad, or confrontational about it. Just ask him and see what he has to say. You'll know how to respond.

You didn't say anything to offend me, after I reread my original post, I thought it DID sound like I am a control freak over the money, and that is not the case. We are on a tight budget, because we are trying to buy a house, but we also like to take our Disney vacations as you can see. I am just really upset, I thought we could be open to each other about everything, and was taken off guard when I found the paper. I really am NOT mad at him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't understand why he didn't tell me.

Only he can answer that question....
But, an honest answer may only be had with a straitforward non-emotional approach.