Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[gina2000]

I graduated high school in '75 and my husband graduated in '72. I am pretty permissive and my husband is even more so....but on this one, no way.

I do remember getting myself into some rather interesting situations in my time. Maybe that's why I don't see this as an advantageous parenting situation.

I only know one couple who were high school sweethearts who married. They are still married today but I consider that an anomaly.

 

[yoopermom]

Just back from my 25th h.s. reunion (rural farming area), quite a few h.s. sweethearts still married, and a handful of the married someone else/divorced and remarried original sweethearts. DH and I dated in h.s., broke up and dated others for 2 yrs, got back together in college, and have been married for 20, so yes, it can happen.

Terri

 

[MrsPete]

Actually, there is danger either way. You feel, however, that the risks of "yes" are higher than the risk of "no", or that applicable of your personal principles otherwise legitimizes substantially ignoring the risks of "no".

Aside from the child being disappointed, which I can live with, I can't think of a single "danger" that'd come from saying, "No, my dear high school senior, you cannot go away for the weekend with your boyfriend."

What do you see as the danger in saying no?

 

[MrsPete]

I just tried to search for statistics about high school sweethearts but came up empty. It would be interesting to know.

It would be interesting to see some real facts, not just people's personal experiences.

WikiAnswers (hardly a scholarly source, even though in this case they're backing up my opinion) says that the chances of marrying your high school sweetheart and staying together are less than 2%.

enotalone.com (again, doesn't sound scholarly) says the same.

I checked a couple sites, and I found the same 2% over and over, BUT it was never from a reputible source, so take it for what it's worth. I also found loads of "I don't know, but I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 10 years" type of answers. However, even if you accept that the 2% is factual, 2% of the world is a lot of people -- and they'd be eager to tell their happy stories, while the 98% who didn't stay with that first love would be less motivated to tell about being dumped, cheated upon, etc.

FYI: I didn't explain this when I said I know only a few couples who were high school sweethearts -- I thought it was self-explanitory -- but I'm in my 40s, and I was only counting couples who are STILL MARRIED. I do know more high school sweethearts who WERE MARRIED, but who have divorced. I was only counting couples who've stayed together.

 

[MELSMICE]

Aside from the child being disappointed, which I can live with, I can't think of a single "danger" that'd come from saying, "No, my dear high school senior, you cannot go away for the weekend with your boyfriend."

What do you see as the danger in saying no?

I asked the same thing. I was told it was discussed earlier in the thread, but I must have missed it.

I don't see any danger nt saying no either, with the exception of your child being disappointed & angry, but that can happen on any given day for any reason anyway just by looking at them the wrong way!

 

[MrsPete]

I asked the same thing. I was told it was discussed earlier in the thread, but I must have missed it.

I don't see any danger nt saying no either, with the exception of your child being disappointed & angry, but that can happen on any given day for any reason anyway just by looking at them the wrong way!

Yeah, my 16-year old is disappointed and angry right now because I won't allow her to watch a certain movie. Life's tough.

 

[bicker]

What do you see as the danger in saying no?

This was discussed in detail early in the thread.

 

[golfgal]

Yeah, my 16-year old is disappointed and angry right now because I won't allow her to watch a certain movie. Life's tough.

In high school two of my friends and I talked our way into seeing "An Officer and a Gentleman". We weren't quite 17 yet. It was "interesting" to say the least. THEN my parents went and saw the movie after I told them how good it was. I was SO embarrassed

 

[luvmy3]

I asked the same thing. I was told it was discussed earlier in the thread, but I must have missed it.

I don't see any danger nt saying no either, with the exception of your child being disappointed & angry, but that can happen on any given day for any reason anyway just by looking at them the wrong way!

FTR even though I was a "maybe" vote I don't see any danger in saying no either. I think as a parent you need to judge the sitiuation and your child's ability to handle it. If you feel that your child at 17, almost 18 isn't ready for that kind of independence then thats fine. However there are those that age who are, and whose parents feel letting them go poses no danger either (aside from those everyday dangers that are everywhere even home) and only strengthens their ability to become more and more independent, or more responsible at being able to handle more "grown-up" situations as they get older and then be ready for when they have no choice but to handle them themselves. Some may think saying "no" wouldn't prepare them for their very near future.

 

[Hannathy]

Yeah, my 16-year old is disappointed and angry right now because I won't allow her to watch a certain movie. Life's tough.

Not really meaning to go off topic on this thread BUT I can't imagine what movie a 16 yr old couldn't watch other than raw porn? You really police a 16 yr old's movies?

 

[KiminChicago]

In my Junior and Senior years, I ran the hot-line, and I cannot count the number of freshman who were simply overwhelmed by the shock of their first, legitimate on-their-own experience. Their parents clearly did absolutely nothing to prepare them for practicing personal responsibility. They had the book-knowledge, of course - their parents and/or ministers outlined their behavioral expectations pretty-well, for sure - but these freshman had never experienced any short periods of personal recognizance. They went from being in the cradle of their parents' discretion to weeks-upon-weeks of being "unsupervised". It was a disaster for many.
[\QUOTE]

For those who are asking what the danger is in saying no, this was the argument presented. Some folks have suggested that if you don't allow these unsupervised weekends, your child will not be adequately prepared to be independent later.

 

[bethy]

No WAY. Not as long as they are dependent on me (i.e. not even while they are in college.) To me there is a huge difference between my child making their own choices without me knowing and me condoning them living with or travelling with someone they are not married to. Even when they are financially independent I will be resigned that they will make their own choices but I still won't endorse them.

Going away with someone like that is an adult activity. It takes the relationship to a whole new mature adult level. I'm not even talking about sex. I'm talking about giving that much of yourself to another to person - intertwining your lives like that. It's risky and it takes great emotional stability and maturity. And if the relationship doens't work out it causes that much more devastation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I really though when nothing new came yesterday that this thread had finally dies. Silly me

FWIW I was a maybe vote and I do not think it is dangerous to say no on this issue either. I do think it is dangerous to not allow any time alone with a significant other and in other ways totally shelter a kid until they move off to college (one poster did say their older teen was NEVER alone--even out of the house--with his girlfriend).

I still do not buy the argument that going away for the weekend makes the relationship a bigger deal. I think that is pushing full on adult values on to teens. Most high school and college kids I know now (and knew when I was one) would not see taking a trip together as such a monumental thing. At that age you have more free time to travel in so it is not a big issue like it is as an adult. Travelling together generally just means that it will be more fun than alone and you can share costs. It does not mean you want to spend the rest of your life with the person. I REALLY never felt that way and cannot wrap my mind around having that reaction. Did any of you who are saying that actually travel somewhere as a teen with a boyfriend/girlfriend and feel that way--or are you just guessing about that? I am truly curious as to whether my experiences were so different or if there is just a lot of supposition going on here.

In high school two of my friends and I talked our way into seeing "An Officer and a Gentleman". We weren't quite 17 yet. It was "interesting" to say the least. THEN my parents went and saw the movie after I told them how good it was. I was SO embarrassed

Okay, I have not seen that film in YEARS. I know I saw it for the first time at a slumber party in 6th grade. I don't recall anything in it that would possibly shock a 16 year old. What am I forgetting?

 

[golfgal]

I really though when nothing new came yesterday that this thread had finally dies. Silly me

FWIW I was a maybe vote and I do not think it is dangerous to say no on this issue either. I do think it is dangerous to not allow any time alone with a significant other and in other ways totally shelter a kid until they move off to college (one poster did say their older teen was NEVER alone--even out of the house--with his girlfriend).

I still do not buy the argument that going away for the weekend makes the relationship a bigger deal. I think that is pushing full on adult values on to teens. Most high school and college kids I know now (and knew when I was one) would not see taking a trip together as such a monumental thing. At that age you have more free time to travel in so it is not a big issue like it is as an adult. Travelling together generally just means that it will be more fun than alone and you can share costs. It does not mean you want to spend the rest of your life with the person. I REALLY never felt that way and cannot wrap my mind around having that reaction. Did any of you who are saying that actually travel somewhere as a teen with a boyfriend/girlfriend and feel that way--or are you just guessing about that? I am truly curious as to whether my experiences were so different or if there is just a lot of supposition going on here.



Okay, I have not seen that film in YEARS. I know I saw it for the first time at a slumber party in 6th grade. I don't recall anything in it that would possibly shock a 16 year old. What am I forgetting?

Some very graphic sex scenes. I was more embarrassed that I told my parents that this move was good and they SAW those scenes, not so much that they were in the movie.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Some very graphic sex scenes. I was more embarrassed that I told my parents that this move was good and they SAW those scenes, not so much that they were in the movie.

Thanks--I guess I don't remember it all that clearly

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Some very graphic sex scenes. I was more embarrassed that I told my parents that this move was good and they SAW those scenes, not so much that they were in the movie.

You consider those sex scenes graphic? Perhaps I'm looking at it by modern standards, but those scenes are pretty tame.

 

[golfgal]

You consider those sex scenes graphic? Perhaps I'm looking at it by modern standards, but those scenes are pretty tame.

They certainly were back in the early 80's when the movie came out. Remember, this when Star Wars got a PG rating for having the alien's arm cut off in the bar scene...That movie today would have less than a G rating

 

[MrsPete]

This was discussed in detail early in the thread.

Since several of have asked, how about explaining it again? I genuinely can't see any risks in saying NO to a child, especially in a situation that 75% of the parents here have said they would not allow.

Not really meaning to go off topic on this thread BUT I can't imagine what movie a 16 yr old couldn't watch other than raw porn? You really police a 16 yr old's movies?

We started watching Hot Tub Time Machine but decided it had too much sex and foul language in it (her 13-year old sister was in the room too). Yes, I do police what she watches -- not to the extent that I did when she was younger, but I do decide that some things are too mature for her. I'm really not concerned with whether other people agree or disagree with that choice.

 

[luvmy3]

Since several of have asked, how about explaining it again? I genuinely can't see any risks in saying NO to a child, especially in a situation that 75% of the parents here have said they would not allow.

Its pretty much throughout this thread



We started watching Hot Tub Time Machine but decided it had too much sex and foul language in it (her 13-year old sister was in the room too). Yes, I do police what she watches -- not to the extent that I did when she was younger, but I do decide that some things are too mature for her. I'm really not concerned with whether other people agree or disagree with that choice.

I personally wouldn't police what my 16 year old watches but I do for my now 12 year old. She wanted to go see a movie recently with her friend and her mom that I felt was too mature for her. I was definitely the bad guy for not letting her but I didn't care either

 

[NHdisneylover]

You consider those sex scenes graphic? Perhaps I'm looking at it by modern standards, but those scenes are pretty tame.

Thanks for posting this--maybe my memory is not as bad as I was thinking it must be

They certainly were back in the early 80's when the movie came out. Remember, this when Star Wars got a PG rating for having the alien's arm cut off in the bar scene...That movie today would have less than a G rating

AND you have outlined WHY I disregard movie ratings I have much bigger issues with violence (I think PG is appropriate for Star Wars and G is NOT) than with nudity and sexual innuendo--which is pretty much the opposite of how the ratings system works.