would this bug you too? minor vent ahead

[cepmom]

sometimes I just wonder why my mother is the way she is

DH's grandfather passed away last year. Grandpa had a house near the beach that was their summer home for many years, and became his year round home after DH's grandmother died about 11 years ago. Dh and his family spent many summers at the house and it holds many special memories for DH. We also have spent a lot of time there going to the beach and really enjoy it as well.

Since Grandpa passed away, the house is owned by my FIL and his brother. They would like to sell the house as nobody ever stays in the house and it is really in bad shape, so it can't really be rented out the way it is. They do not want to bother with renovations etc in order to rent it.

DH would love to keep the house in the family, but none of his sisters are in the financial position to go in on purchasing it with us ~ we can not afford it in addition to our current home.

I told DH if he wanted to keep the house, we could consider selling our home and buy the beach house with the intention of renovating the house or knocking it down and rebuilding.

I was telling my mother this today and she pretty much told me how stupid that was ~ why would you want to live there etc etc. I told her how much DH loves the place and it is special to him, but she continues with her thoughts on how dumb it is. Conversation ends I am left shaking my head, but whatever.

I get home from Easter dinner with MIL and FIL and get an email from DM saying "although you may get a 'bargain' on the house/land, it would cost a fortune to build the house you want" and "I don't want you to go down there(the house is only about 30 minutes from where we are now), but you need to do what's best for you guys" with a "PS ~ I hope it doesn't work out for you"

uhmmmm, okay I guess??? Thanks for the good thoughts
why do I let her get to me???? Anyone else have a mother like this?

 

[manning]

Amazing how some go about it the long way to get their message across which is in this case

"I don't want you to go there".

Is it a distance from her house??

 

[cepmom]

the house is only about 30 minutes from where we are now. My mother lives exactly 1 mile from us now, so it's not like moving to the beach house woudl be that far away. I know she doesn't want us to move far, but it's only 30 minutes away! She could at least pretend to be supportive!

 

[staley7580]

My mom is the same way....you are SO not alone. She is constantly telling me what a mess I am making of my life. When my dh and I decided that it would be best for us if I stayed home to raise the kids I got "What are you thinking?!?!?! I worked so you should work." Or when it comes to having more kids, or the type of car we bought....dont even get me started on our choice of vacation destinations! Oh goodness! The horrors of going to Disneyland!!!! We got to the point of not even telling her things anymore...I was 8 months pg with dd before I even told her.

 

[minkydog]

Is this my sister? "Cuz I think we have the same mother. Your mom probably sees herself as being helping, "guiding" you. I don't know what makes them say these things, but it's purely selfish. Once I finally realized that, i had to stop sharing certain parts of my life with my mom. Sad, isn't it? It was the only way to stop the negativity...

 

[bengalbelle]

My mother is similar...very controlling. She is upset because we're moving 30 minutes away from her (we're about 5 minutes away now) even though it's best for our family. She makes passive aggressive remarks about it all the time to me and my kids.

I think she means well, but she doesn't realize how controlling and critical she is. I'm to the point I don't tell her things unless I have to.

 

[vangger]

Yeah there are similarities with my mom too..... COOL!

 

[MAKmom]

This would bother anyone. Relatives think they can say anything & get away with it. Your better off being treated as a friend.

 

[mitushib]

Looks like we all either have the same mom or our moms went to a mommy school we dont know about. When I got married my mom wanted me to lease the apartment next doors to her and when I leased one 7 miles away she treated it like I was going overseas to stay. Kept remarking about it for nearly a year!!

 

[va32h]

Yeah, I feel your pain. I love my mother - I really, really do. We have always been close. But the older she gets, the crabbier and meaner she gets!

The house we are living in now we chose because she wanted to come and live with me - she can't afford to live on her own. So we found a house with a separate suite area for her. Well after a few months she said she didn't want to live in Texas anymore and packed up and left. Then a few months after that, she came to visit and was upset that I had moved my two daughters into "her" room!

Last month she decided to come and stay with me while my husband is deployed overseas. Well, they recalled his unit, so he isn't going, and the first words out of her mouth when I told her were "so I guess that means I can't stay with you this summer?" Gee mom, thanks for being so happy for us!

I think it's an age thing. She didn't use to be like this.

And yes, I would be annoyed in your situation too.

 

[froglady]

Here's someone who is probably your mother's age chiming in.

Although I don't agree with the way she voiced her objections, I agree that you need to do more homework. BUT, she should have realized that you are still in the "what if" stage and aren't going to rush into things. I think that may be her fear. I think both she and I see a huge "money pit" in your idea, and she's just trying to protect you.

I'm sure you're quite capable of thinking it through, and investigating all of the ramifications of your move, both financial and social.

BTW, 30 minutes may not seem very far right now, but when your mother reaches an age where she may become dependent upon you, it can become an eternity to both of you. I know from personal experience that when my parents were ill, a 20 minute drive was taking a huge toll on me, so I had to move them closer.

 

[cepmom]

I'm sorry you all have the same problems with your mothers, but it is nice to know I'm not alone!

Here's someone who is probably your mother's age chiming in.

Although I don't agree with the way she voiced her objections, I agree that you need to do more homework. BUT, she should have realized that you are still in the "what if" stage and aren't going to rush into things. I think that may be her fear. I think both she and I see a huge "money pit" in your idea, and she's just trying to protect you.

I'm sure you're quite capable of thinking it through, and investigating all of the ramifications of your move, both financial and social.

BTW, 30 minutes may not seem very far right now, but when your mother reaches an age where she may become dependent upon you, it can become an eternity to both of you. I know from personal experience that when my parents were ill, a 20 minute drive was taking a huge toll on me, so I had to move them closer.

I know she only wants what's best, but the problem is she only wants what's best if it's what she wants also, ya know?

I am not the type to get myself into a financial situation we can not handle and she knows me well enough to know this. I am still in my little 1500 sq ft house that we bought when we first got married while everyone else I know has upgraded to "dream homes". My point being, I am very cautious with money and would never jump in to this with out thinking it all the way through. I just wish she could at least try to be supportive and bite her tongue once in a while even if she doesn't agree. Thanks for your insight ~ it did help!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I hope you can swing buying the beach house.

 

[cepmom]

I hope you can swing buying the beach house.

thanks! can you be my mom??

 

[mitushib]

But 1 thing crazy as she may be I wont trade my mom for anything in the world!!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

thanks! can you be my mom??

Sure. How old was I when I had you?

 

[DMickey28]

I don't have any thoughts about your mom ....

However, when I was younger my parents were in the same situation. We lived in Sturbridge MA and had my grandparents house on the Cape. They sold our house and we moved to the Cape and added a 2nd floor on the Cape house and gutted the inside and rebuilt it. My parents are still there and it was the best move we could have made.

 

[gris gris]

My mom is sort of the same way so I've learned to pick and choose what I tell her. In this case, I'd just go ahead and make the decision without discussing it further with your mom, then once you've decided what to do let her know you're moving. If that's what you decide. Good luck! I live near the beach and wouldn't trade it for the world. It's a special life

 

[NikiM20]

My Mom AND Grandmother are like this..........We are thinking about selling our house also and my Grandma is asking me how do we think we are going to pay a housenote So I had to explain that we are going to sell our house and we won't have 2 housenotes.

My Mom told me the house next door to her was for sell She lives 45 mins away from us, so it wasnt even an option for us to move. So now shes mad that we wont move there.

But I love them both , however, I can only tolerate them in small doses and NOT together

 

[cepmom]

My Mom AND Grandmother are like this..........We are thinking about selling our house also and my Grandma is asking me how do we think we are going to pay a housenote So I had to explain that we are going to sell our house and we won't have 2 housenotes.

My Mom told me the house next door to her was for sell She lives 45 mins away from us, so it wasnt even an option for us to move. So now shes mad that we wont move there.

But I love them both , however, I can only tolerate them in small doses and NOT together

I can relate!! I haven't even gotten to my Grandmother yet because she's away on vacation!