Would this bother you?

[KiminChicago]

DS and Boy A have been in Scouts together since Tigers. I was the den leader and Mr. A was my assistant leader, until DD started Girl Scouts and DH took over the den when I became DD's troop leader. The A family live in the same neighborhood, the boys both went to the same schools and now in middle school they are often in the same classes.

In the fall, both boys took EXPLORE exams (a prequel of sorts for the ACT tests they'll take later) and based on that and teacher recommendations, they were placed in their high school classes for next year. When we went to the orientation, DH and I were pleased to learn that DS was recommended for all Honors courses next year. The problem started when we ran into Mr. and Mrs. A. Mrs. A wanted to know what classes DS will be in so I told her. Her reaction: "What was (DS)'s science score on the EXPLORE tests? (Boy A) is in Honors everything except Advance Science." Since I had DS's paperwork in my hands and it had the scores on it, she was able to glance over and see the science score. "(Boy A) got a higher score than (DS), he should be in Honors Science!" And off she went to find the science teachers, Boy A right behind her telling her that he doesn't like science and it's a lot of work for him to get an A..... DH and I just looked at each other and shrugged.

Then, on Saturday, DH had a meeting with a client and I was at the middle school with Mrs. A and some of the other parents, working on costumes for the musical. DS was home with DD. DD is two years younger (6th grade) and she called to ask if she could go to her BFF's house. Mr. A stops by the middle school and lets us (Mrs. A and me) know that a large group of 8th graders were all meeting at a local restaurant and that Boy A had called to ask DS if he was going. DS told Boy A that he had to stay home to watch his sister, which Mr. A informed me he knew wasn't true, since Mr. A had seen my DD with her BFF.

Since Boy A is an only child, I guess it never occurred to them that DD probably left without her house key and DS didn't want to go out and leave her locked out of the house -- either that or DS didn't really want to go and used his DD as a convenient excuse. At any rate, I told Mr. A that DS didn't say anything about it to me. Then Mr. A asks me about tonight's Boy Scout meeting. Boy A and DS are both getting their Life Scout badges tonight and according to Mr. A, he asked DS about his Scoutmaster Conference but DS didn't say much, so Mr. A didn't know if DS was getting his badge or not.

The last straw came yesterday. The Boy Scouts were all meeting at the indoor pool. DS came home and said Mr. A kept talking about the group who went to the restaurant on Saturday and then he'd look at DS and say "but you wouldn't know since you weren't there." At this point I'm kind of annoyed. I feel like we're either in some sort of one-sided competition with them that DS and I aren't allowed to decline to participate in, or they feel that DH and I can't possibly be parenting our DS adequately or something. All this interest in DS and what and where he compares to their son just feels weird to me. Unfortunately, Boy A and DS are good friends, so it looks like we're stuck with these people for at least 4 more years....

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm sure everyone after me will say you're blowing it out of proportion, and you should be pleased that the A family takes such an interest in everything your son does, but I'm going to label this WEIRD and PUSHY behavior.

There's an acronym used on the MIL boards that is very helpful when dealing with pushy, nosy people: JADE

Never...

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

your actions.

I think you need to stop JADEing these people. Never give them a reason for anything, just say "No, DS isn't going." Never give them any information, just say "Oh, I don't know."

 

[kirbsam]

it does seem rather strange that he has so much interest and seems to single your son out so much. if son is ok with it, i would just keep an eye on things from a safe, yet close distance.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DS and Boy A have been in Scouts together since Tigers. I was the den leader and Mr. A was my assistant leader, until DD started Girl Scouts and DH took over the den when I became DD's troop leader. The A family live in the same neighborhood, the boys both went to the same schools and now in middle school they are often in the same classes.

In the fall, both boys took EXPLORE exams (a prequel of sorts for the ACT tests they'll take later) and based on that and teacher recommendations, they were placed in their high school classes for next year. When we went to the orientation, DH and I were pleased to learn that DS was recommended for all Honors courses next year. The problem started when we ran into Mr. and Mrs. A. Mrs. A wanted to know what classes DS will be in so I told her. Her reaction: "What was (DS)'s science score on the EXPLORE tests? (Boy A) is in Honors everything except Advance Science." Since I had DS's paperwork in my hands and it had the scores on it, she was able to glance over and see the science score. "(Boy A) got a higher score than (DS), he should be in Honors Science!" And off she went to find the science teachers, Boy A right behind her telling her that he doesn't like science and it's a lot of work for him to get an A..... DH and I just looked at each other and shrugged.

Then, on Saturday, DH had a meeting with a client and I was at the middle school with Mrs. A and some of the other parents, working on costumes for the musical. DS was home with DD. DD is two years younger (6th grade) and she called to ask if she could go to her BFF's house. Mr. A stops by the middle school and lets us (Mrs. A and me) know that a large group of 8th graders were all meeting at a local restaurant and that Boy A had called to ask DS if he was going. DS told Boy A that he had to stay home to watch his sister, which Mr. A informed me he knew wasn't true, since Mr. A had seen my DD with her BFF.

Since Boy A is an only child, I guess it never occurred to them that DD probably left without her house key and DS didn't want to go out and leave her locked out of the house -- either that or DS didn't really want to go and used his DD as a convenient excuse. At any rate, I told Mr. A that DS didn't say anything about it to me. Then Mr. A asks me about tonight's Boy Scout meeting. Boy A and DS are both getting their Life Scout badges tonight and according to Mr. A, he asked DS about his Scoutmaster Conference but DS didn't say much, so Mr. A didn't know if DS was getting his badge or not.

The last straw came yesterday. The Boy Scouts were all meeting at the indoor pool. DS came home and said Mr. A kept talking about the group who went to the restaurant on Saturday and then he'd look at DS and say "but you wouldn't know since you weren't there." At this point I'm kind of annoyed. I feel like we're either in some sort of one-sided competition with them that DS and I aren't allowed to decline to participate in, or they feel that DH and I can't possibly be parenting our DS adequately or something. All this interest in DS and what and where he compares to their son just feels weird to me. Unfortunately, Boy A and DS are good friends, so it looks like we're stuck with these people for at least 4 more years....

Your son lied to these people. The dad was pissed about it and was snarky to your son.

Frankly while I do not agree with Mr. A's behavior, I do understand being angry that your son lied.

Let it go and teach your son to speak the truth to these people. Have him apologize. Teach your son how to navigate speaking with people he is uncomfortable with.

I suppose use it as a teachable moment instead of getting worked up over this.

 

[tlbwriter]

Your son lied to these people. The dad was pissed about it and was snarky to your son.

Frankly while I do not agree with Mr. A's behavior, I do understand being angry that your son lied.

Let it go and teach your son to speak the truth to these people. Have him apologize. Teach your son how to navigate speaking with people he is uncomfortable with.

I suppose use it as a teachable moment instead of getting worked up over this.

Have her son apologize? I wouldn't think of it. Yes, her son may have lied, but for all we know, he said that before he knew his sister wasn't going to be home. It's NONE of Mr A's BUSINESS. He's being inappropriately nosy. It was a question he had no right to ask, the OP's son may or may not have told a little white lie as an excuse for why he wasn't doing something, and the world keeps going round. It's extremely rude to invite someone to something and then press for a reason if they decline. Mr A does not deserve an apology at all.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can see him getting upset about his ds not getting into honors science, especially if he did well on the test - I'm sure he was upset when he didn't get in.

However, so what if your ds gave him an untrue excuse for not wanting to go to a group activity? Maybe he had a stomach ache, maybe he just didn't feel like going, and didn't want to have to explain why he didn't want to go. I know sometimes my friends will try, over and over, to get me to go out, when I just want to be a couch potato. Sometimes a white lie is much easier.

Heck, once or twice ds12 has asked a friend to do something, that friend said they had to stay home, and I would see that friend out and about 1/2 hour later. I'm certainly not telling ds, or confronting the kid's parent. MMOB.

 

[brockash]

Your son lied to these people. The dad was pissed about it and was snarky to your son.

Frankly while I do not agree with Mr. A's behavior, I do understand being angry that your son lied.

Let it go and teach your son to speak the truth to these people. Have him apologize. Teach your son how to navigate speaking with people he is uncomfortable with.

I suppose use it as a teachable moment instead of getting worked up over this.

I totally disagree with this. It's none of your neighbors/friends business why your DS didn't go. First, as OP stated, he may not have lying anyways. -Maybe he had to be there to let her in, maybe she was going to be back before he would be ect. -DS doesn't need to have a detailed conversation as to why he isn't going. Even if DS was using it as an excuse/lie...as a parent, I'd be totally fine with that. I often used an excuse as a reason for not going places when I was a teen, when I felt that there was a good chance those ppl. may not be the best to hang out with or if I thought it'd put me in a situation I didn't want to be in. -I fully will support my kids as they get older to do the same. I'm not saying that this was exactly the reason why OP's son may/may not have lied to not go. Even if he just used the excuse just because he didn't feel like going, I'd still be 100% fine with it. He's not lying to his parents/teachers. He may/may not be lying to a guy that seems to be overly involved in his life, and someone who isn't acting much like an adult.

Yes, these ppl. seem weird/immature/weirdly competitive with their priorities out of order. I agree with the PP that stated the "JADE" thing. Just go about your business, and try to use these types of ppl. in your childrens lives as a learning experience to the outside world.

 

[Ceila]

Mr. A should be minding his own business. He sounds a lot like someone I know who is always seems to be trying to one-up everyone else. Taken one by one, none of those things would even be a blip on the radar, but in combination it's invasive.

I agree with the PP who said that you need to prepare yourself to not engage Mr. A. Play dumb ("Oh, DS didn't mention it to me."), just don't engage ("Hmm, that's nice.), whatever you can to do to avoid giving this guy much info. You can't avoid it entirely, of course, but you can minimize it and you can find reasons to walk away.

 

[The Pink Cupcake]

Your son lied to these people. The dad was pissed about it and was snarky to your son.

Frankly while I do not agree with Mr. A's behavior, I do understand being angry that your son lied.

I don’t see the lie He was home with his sister. His sister left. Plans change. Why in the world would he ever have to explain anything to Mr. A, let alone apologize for family/personal plans changing?

Also, I would be FURIOUS if someone looked at a paper I was holding (with test scores) and read it. The nerve!

These people would get a neutral smile from me. Nothing more. The boys can still be friends. They are old enough that they don’t need parents to be involved.

Mr. & Mrs. A seem really weird.

I love the JADE idea that was brought up in an earlier post. Follow that. It will baffle people like Mr. & Mrs. A

I suppose use it as a teachable moment instead of getting worked up over this.

The teachable moment is some people are nosey, medaling busybodies. You owe them nothing. Not even an explanation as to why you weren’t at an event

 

[Ceila]

Your son lied to these people. The dad was pissed about it and was snarky to your son.

We don't know whether the OP's son lied or not, since we don't know the timeline of when Boy A called and when the sister went to her friend's house.

And even if he did lie, I believe that sparing someone's feelings by fabricating an excuse to avoid them is better than saying, "no, I don't want to get together with you." Furthermore, if this was the case, the dad should have realized this and been glad that the boy tried to avoid hurting his son's feelings and not be snarky in retaliation. Real adult of him, huh?

 

[ccgirl]

DS and Boy A have been in Scouts together since Tigers. I was the den leader and Mr. A was my assistant leader, until DD started Girl Scouts and DH took over the den when I became DD's troop leader. The A family live in the same neighborhood, the boys both went to the same schools and now in middle school they are often in the same classes.

In the fall, both boys took EXPLORE exams (a prequel of sorts for the ACT tests they'll take later) and based on that and teacher recommendations, they were placed in their high school classes for next year. When we went to the orientation, DH and I were pleased to learn that DS was recommended for all Honors courses next year. The problem started when we ran into Mr. and Mrs. A. Mrs. A wanted to know what classes DS will be in so I told her. Her reaction: "What was (DS)'s science score on the EXPLORE tests? (Boy A) is in Honors everything except Advance Science." Since I had DS's paperwork in my hands and it had the scores on it, she was able to glance over and see the science score. "(Boy A) got a higher score than (DS), he should be in Honors Science!" And off she went to find the science teachers, Boy A right behind her telling her that he doesn't like science and it's a lot of work for him to get an A..... DH and I just looked at each other and shrugged.

Then, on Saturday, DH had a meeting with a client and I was at the middle school with Mrs. A and some of the other parents, working on costumes for the musical. DS was home with DD. DD is two years younger (6th grade) and she called to ask if she could go to her BFF's house. Mr. A stops by the middle school and lets us (Mrs. A and me) know that a large group of 8th graders were all meeting at a local restaurant and that Boy A had called to ask DS if he was going. DS told Boy A that he had to stay home to watch his sister, which Mr. A informed me he knew wasn't true, since Mr. A had seen my DD with her BFF.

Since Boy A is an only child, I guess it never occurred to them that DD probably left without her house key and DS didn't want to go out and leave her locked out of the house -- either that or DS didn't really want to go and used his DD as a convenient excuse. At any rate, I told Mr. A that DS didn't say anything about it to me. Then Mr. A asks me about tonight's Boy Scout meeting. Boy A and DS are both getting their Life Scout badges tonight and according to Mr. A, he asked DS about his Scoutmaster Conference but DS didn't say much, so Mr. A didn't know if DS was getting his badge or not.

The last straw came yesterday. The Boy Scouts were all meeting at the indoor pool. DS came home and said Mr. A kept talking about the group who went to the restaurant on Saturday and then he'd look at DS and say "but you wouldn't know since you weren't there." At this point I'm kind of annoyed. I feel like we're either in some sort of one-sided competition with them that DS and I aren't allowed to decline to participate in, or they feel that DH and I can't possibly be parenting our DS adequately or something. All this interest in DS and what and where he compares to their son just feels weird to me. Unfortunately, Boy A and DS are good friends, so it looks like we're stuck with these people for at least 4 more years....

Have been going thru something like this for 3 years. The other parents are also neighbors. I had to stop play dates (they are still young) it just got to be too much. Luckily, my DD had enough of the competition as well.

Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not saying that the guy is a not a jerk or a weirdo. However clearly he was mad at the perception of being lied to.

So, I would explain to my kid the in's and out's of that and teach them how to "save face" or lie better because the guy is a nosey busy body. I would make an exception of lying to this guy if he is inappropriate.

OP stated she has another 4yrs with the guy. In my book it is time to teach son how to "navigate" this type of person.

Maybe that explains it better. I would rather my kid apologizes for the other day and then let Mr. A have his day and move on.

And then teach son how to be more careful with his words.

What is wrong with that?

 

[Ceila]

I am not saying that the guy is a not a jerk or a weirdo. However clearly he was mad at the perception of being lied to.

So, I would explain to my kid the in's and out's of that and teach them how to "save face" or lie better because the guy is a nosey busy body. I would make an exception of lying to this guy if he is inappropriate.

OP stated she has another 4yrs with the guy. In my book it is time to teach son how to "navigate" this type of person.

Maybe that explains it better. I would rather my kid apologizes for the other day and then let Mr. A have his day and move on.

And then teach son how to be more careful with his words.

What is wrong with that?

I think that makes more sense to me than your first response. Your initial post said to teach her son to be truthful with this person, and honestly there are times when that's not the best course of action.

 

[KiminChicago]

We have actually told DS that if he finds himself in a situation where someone is pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do, he can always use us as an excuse, even if it involves telling a white lie. So it didn't surprise me at all that DS might have used watching his sister as an excuse to avoid going to the restaurant on Saturday if he was worried that it might not be a good situation to get into. And, as I said, since Boy A is an only child, it might never have occurred to them that DS was actually being the responsible one and staying home to make sure that DD would have a way to get back into the house. I certainly don't feel I need to make DS apologize.

Personally, since DS was apparently in communication with Boy A, and not Mr. A, it was really none of Mr. A's business what DS did or didn't say. I just told Mr. A that I knew nothing about any of it, and left it at that. Actually, when he was telling me about it, it came out sounding more like "Boy A is so popular he's at this restaurant with this huge crowd of kids, what's wrong with your son that he didn't want to go?" And then when he brought it up the next day it was more of the same "Boy A is so popular, but you wouldn't know because you weren't there so you must not be as popular." Know what I mean?

Both Mr. and Mrs. A are type A personalities, and they only have the one child, so I get the impression that Boy A had better be the best at everything or there's something wrong.

 

[LuvOrlando]

OP, these people sound kooky and are wrapped up way too tight in their kid's business. Sounds to me like their son and his accomplishments are accessories to them, poor kid, I'd be sympathetic to the kid and let them drain themselves of the venom, it changes nothing for their kid but makes them look vain.

I'm sure everyone after me will say you're blowing it out of proportion, and you should be pleased that the A family takes such an interest in everything your son does, but I'm going to label this WEIRD and PUSHY behavior.

There's an acronym used on the MIL boards that is very helpful when dealing with pushy, nosy people: JADE

Never...

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

your actions.

I think you need to stop JADEing these people. Never give them a reason for anything, just say "No, DS isn't going." Never give them any information, just say "Oh, I don't know."

This couldn't be more perfect! THANK YOU!!!

 

[Tink888]

Yes OP, you and your son are in a one-sided competition with these people and their son. We ran into the same issue when DS15 was in scouts. The boys weren't so much the problem, the Dad was a whole other story. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I'm sure everyone after me will say you're blowing it out of proportion, and you should be pleased that the A family takes such an interest in everything your son does, but I'm going to label this WEIRD and PUSHY behavior.

There's an acronym used on the MIL boards that is very helpful when dealing with pushy, nosy people: JADE

Never...

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

your actions.

I think you need to stop JADEing these people. Never give them a reason for anything, just say "No, DS isn't going." Never give them any information, just say "Oh, I don't know."

This is GREAT advice!!!

 

[tlbwriter]

I am not saying that the guy is a not a jerk or a weirdo. However clearly he was mad at the perception of being lied to.

So, I would explain to my kid the in's and out's of that and teach them how to "save face" or lie better because the guy is a nosey busy body. I would make an exception of lying to this guy if he is inappropriate.

OP stated she has another 4yrs with the guy. In my book it is time to teach son how to "navigate" this type of person.

Maybe that explains it better. I would rather my kid apologizes for the other day and then let Mr. A have his day and move on.

And then teach son how to be more careful with his words.

What is wrong with that?

I understand what you're saying, but I still disagree. Apologizing to Mr A is telling him that he had the right to know your son's reason for not going, and that your son was wrong to withhold that information (if he did, in fact, not tell the truth). And that is not the case. Mr A had no right to ask, and he also might have been wrong in assuming that the OP's son was lying.

 

[FredinFL]

Maybe the kid lied because he didn't want to go and the real reason would have hurt Mr. A's feelings?

Why do we have to justify what we want to do all the time to people? If the kid didn't want to go, he didn't want to go. Sound to me like Mr. A is a pain in the butt and the kid was giving Mr. Nosey the brushoff. The kid doesn't owe this guy any justification as to why he's not going, only the information that he won't be there.

 

[ENSOCK]

Have her son apologize? I wouldn't think of it. Yes, her son may have lied, but for all we know, he said that before he knew his sister wasn't going to be home. It's NONE of Mr A's BUSINESS. He's being inappropriately nosy. It was a question he had no right to ask, the OP's son may or may not have told a little white lie as an excuse for why he wasn't doing something, and the world keeps going round. It's extremely rude to invite someone to something and then press for a reason if they decline. Mr A does not deserve an apology at all.

totally agree! It is none of his business what your son is doing. You just need to start not responding to Mr. A. If he makes a comment on your son, just nod and smile. My DS11 is in a similar problem with a boy in his class. The parents are constantly comparing the two boys.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

It's none of his business why your son didn't want to go. Perhaps the kids were up to no good or he didn't like someone that was going. Seriously with teens there could be so many reasons- a girl he likes was going with her boyfriend and that would just make him feel down. I've always told my dd if she doesn't want to do something for whatever reason, esp. if it's something bad or illegal or even if it's a violent movie she doesn't want to see- blame it on the parents if she can't tell them the truth.