Would this bother you?

[cardaway]

This statement says a lot to me. There is obviously much more going on here and maybe your SIL is picking up on your feelings about her. I would NOT ask again to babysit....if she wants you to she will let you know.

Agreed.

Also, how did an offer to help end up being all about you?

I would simply bring up the subject next time we met up.

 

[justhat]

The statement that they want to wait til the house is settled before they discuss daycare leads me to think maybe she doesn't want you to do it and that's why she's not saying anything. Another reason could be that she feels badly that she has to go back to work and doesn't want to and is possibly jealous that you'll be able to stay home with your baby and hers too. Or maybe she's thinking that with the adoption you'll have to go overseas and be gone awhile so who will she get to fill in for you then so maybe it's best to just go with someone else from the beginning.

Now, would it bother me? No, not really. I think I'd feel a little hurt that they didn't want me to watch their kid and couldn't tell me, but other than that (which I'd get over pretty fast cause watching 2 young babies will be very hard anyway) I'd be fine. People have their own thinking when it comes to their kids and sometimes no one else can understand their reasoning so I'd keep that in mind and not be too worried by it.

 

[gshanny]

I'll jump in and throw out another possibility. You said they are struggling financially to buy a house and she would have to go back to work. If she isn't working already they must be getting the loan based off of his income. Maybe she is holding out hope that they will be able to continue to live off of his income so she can stay at home with her baby. She may not want to bring this up just yet with your BIL and so she is keeping quiet for now.
I just know I used to do childcare and we decided we could make it on DH's income so I could spend time with just my kids. We agreed to have me go back to work after the youngest was in school. He is now in 4th and I am going back to work next year. When it came time for me to go back to work I was really involved with the PTO and being at his school all the time(DD was there for part of that time too, wasn't all just for DS) I really worried and hesitated, but eventually I talked to DH about me waiting until they were older before I went back to work and he agreed. I was so nervous though about bringing it up. Maybe your BIL's GF is hoping things turn out in her favor and she too can stay home. She may not want to say anything to anyone else until she has brought it up with him.
Then again I may have read it wrong and she is already working. That would make my point pointless and make me just a rambling idiot once again.

 

[C.Ann]

Could also be she is concerned about being left in a lurch when you have to travel in terms of the adoption you are involved in..

I wouldn't think much of it.. If she wants you, she'll ask..

 

[disykat]

Maybe she wants all her kids to be together and isn't looking for anything that is just for the baby?

 

[lulugirl]

Maybe they decided against it and it's awkward for him to tell you? It was an awfully generous offer though!

I was thinking the same thing, she may feel uncomfortable rejecting your offer.

 

[rt2dz]

i saw this another way.

your bil is not married to her, correct?
she has 2 kids that are not your bil, correct?

i would think she would prefer that you talk to her directly about the childcare you can help with rather than to her boyfriend.

since they are not married, she might be the one that calls the shots on the 2 kids. maybe she makes all the arrangements whenever they are concerned.

all you have to do is talk to her. if you feel uncomfortable in doing so since she is aware you have offered your help, drop her a line in a card.
just tell her you are thinking of her and write you would like to be there for her and help.

sometimes it is best to talk directly to the person you want to help.
things have a way of not being expressed the way you want it to when presented second hand. did bil tell her everything the way expressed it?

I pretty much agree. Maybe she thinks you should have asked her. Maybe she wants all 3 kids together and the offer is only for the baby (whether it is or isn't).

 

[kdibattista]

Agreed.

Also, how did an offer to help end up being all about you?

I would simply bring up the subject next time we met up.

Didn't you get the memo? The world revolves around me

Thanks everyone for the responses. I did tell him that I would not be offended at all but I guess that could be it. We are very close and he knows me well enough that I would never get upset about that but I guess it is a possibility. I honestly think that she is not very excited about the baby and is maybe avoiding any sort of planning... does that make sense? Everytime we bring something up about the baby (the first grandchild/neice/nephew) she changes the subject. We know for a fact this was not an accident (don't ask me how I know ). She is older so we knew she was worried about complications but she is now over 6 months along. My mother in law also has some concerns so I think it might be a really good idea to take her out to lunch and have a good talk.

Also, her 2 children are older and will be in school during the day and was looking into a half hour after school program.

Thanks again!!!

P.S. As for the suggestion for the part time position... I do have the option of picking up a shift or 2 at the spa but I am choosing to have this time with my daughter at home. That's the reason I got into this field was so I could stay at home. If they do choose to not use me, I will certainly pick up a couple shifts before my daughter comes home.

 

[Obi-Wan Pinobi]

Everytime we bring something up about the baby (the first grandchild/neice/nephew) she changes the subject.

Totally out in left field here with this one and I'm not implying anything.. but.. is there a possibility that she could have cheated on your BIL and she isn't sure the baby is even his and that's why she's hesitant? The sentence I quoted above made me think that instantly.

 

[kdibattista]

Totally out in left field here with this one and I'm not implying anything.. but.. is there a possibility that she could have cheated on your BIL and she isn't sure the baby is even his and that's why she's hesitant? The sentence I quoted above made me think that instantly.

Hmmm... not completely out of the realm of possibility although I don't think so. I almost think she has regrets about the pregnancy and that's really hard to swallow.

 

[justhat]

That sentence that Obi-Wan quoted actually made me think of something else. Even though, yes this baby is the 1st grandchild since it's your BIL's first kid, she might feel a bit slighted that her other 2 aren't considered grandkids cause they're not his biologically. Also, I'm guessing that since you said something about other issues making you feel bothered by her lack of response that there is some tension in your relationship. And your MIL having concerns and wanting to get everything out on the table makes me think that even more. I mean, it just seems weird cause I think when people were suggesting taking her out to lunch they meant more in like a "you must be so stressed with being 6 months pregnant and buying a new house and having 2 kids to take care of too" kind of way rather than a "let's get everything straightened out" cause I'm sure that won't really help her feel more comfortable or relaxed.

 

[kdibattista]

That sentence that Obi-Wan quoted actually made me think of something else. Even though, yes this baby is the 1st grandchild since it's your BIL's first kid, she might feel a bit slighted that her other 2 aren't considered grandkids cause they're not his biologically. Also, I'm guessing that since you said something about other issues making you feel bothered by her lack of response that there is some tension in your relationship. And your MIL having concerns and wanting to get everything out on the table makes me think that even more. I mean, it just seems weird cause I think when people were suggesting taking her out to lunch they meant more in like a "you must be so stressed with being 6 months pregnant and buying a new house and having 2 kids to take care of too" kind of way rather than a "let's get everything straightened out" cause I'm sure that won't really help her feel more comfortable or relaxed.

Her 2 children are apart of our family. We love them and they love us. I know what's like coming from a "broken" home, as does my husband (my FIL is his stepfather) so we are very concious that they don't feel slighted in the least.

That's exactly what I meant when we would take her out to lunch... guess I didn't express that clearly. I would never let on to her that this is bothering me (although I can't speak for MIL so maybe it will just be the 2 of us )

 

[justhat]

I just wanted to clarify that I don't think that way, cause I think it's a super generous offer of you so clearly you must care about her and her family, but just a possibility that that's how she feels. I say this cause my uncle's ex-wife would react the same way as your BIL's fiancee and that would have been her reasoning, though totally unfounded. And yeah, I'd probably leave the MIL out cause if you say she has concerns I'd be afraid of it turning into a "okay, let's get this all settled..." type of meal, which I'm sure you want to avoid. Of course, if you can be sure that she won't do that, it might be good to go out with her as sort of a 'family' experience.

 

[tekmom]

Hi again, I don't know if this could be another reason, but many years ago I offered to watch a friend's baby and she very nicely informed me that she wanted someone with experience with babies. I was only 22 and had yet to have a baby and she believed that I didn't have enough experience with an infant. This wasn't her first child. So, I don't know you or your future SIL but maybe she wants someone with more experience. For the record, my friend ended up having her child watched by someone she ended up not liking at all and I was relieved to have not gotten involved.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Hmmm... not completely out of the realm of possibility although I don't think so. I almost think she has regrets about the pregnancy and that's really hard to swallow.

You know, maybe she is a reserved person and keeps her feelings to herself, maybe she is worried about something or maybe she just doesn't like your family.

Whatever it is, I would not want someone watching MY baby who goes on the internet and tells people that I don't WANT my baby and that there is a slight chance I could have cheated on my baby's father. JMHO.

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow, this one went all over the place...possibly not his child? regrets her pregnancy? Unless she has specifically told you that she regrets the pregnancy or there is some evidence that the child may not be your brothers, I think it is sort of cruel to entertain those ideas. (not so much for someone here to ask if that is a possibility, but as the person who knows her IRL the OP should knock that theory away quickly unless she has proof that it could be an issue) It very well could be that she doesn't talk too much about the pregnancy because she is a private person or maybe feels that you might be sensitive to pregnancy talk because you are in the process of adopting? It's hard to tell.

I think most people would be pretty disturbed to think that their soon to be SIL was thinking along those lines at all. Especially one who wanted to 'help' with her baby.

According to BIL (when I wanted to make sure he told her) she wants to "wait until the house is settled first". I took that to mean that she wants to discuss the option when things calm down, which I completely understand. It just bothers me that she hasn't mentioned it at all.

I think you have your answer right there. It sounds like she doesn't want to decide until things settle down. That could include not saying anything about it to you until she has made a decision.

If you completely understand her not wanting to discuss it until things settle down, then why do you want her to discuss it with you before things have settled down and she has made her decision?

 

[Maleficent13]

Well, I'll go out on the limb and say it probably would not have killed the SIL to say to the OP: "DBF told me about your generous offer and I just wanted to thank you. I'll have to let you know, though, once we see about the house and everything."

If I was the SIL, I would feel weird NOT saying anything about the offer...it comes off snooty, no matter how it is intended. If someone offered to save ME a substantial chunk of $225 a week, I'd fall down on my knees to thank them, even if I wasn't sure if I was going to take it or not.

Not even going there with the other suppositions mentioned.

 

[KAMLEM]

I think you have your answer right there. It sounds like she doesn't want to decide until things settle down. That could include not saying anything about it to you until she has made a decision.

If you completely understand her not wanting to discuss it until things settle down, then why do you want her to discuss it with you before things have settled down and she has made her decision?

This sounds like the most logical answer.

This may sound implausible, but the other thing I thought of was that maybe your BIL never even mentioned it to her. Is it possible that he’s the one that doesn’t want you doing it and he doesn’t know how to tell you? Probably unlikely but not as improbable as some of the other suggestions here.

 

[cardaway]

Didn't you get the memo? The world revolves around me

Who needs a memo to see that?

Still a good question though since almost every post reads like it's all about you and your feelings.

 

[kdibattista]

Who needs a memo to see that?

Still a good question though since almost every post reads like it's all about you and your feelings.

Oh yeah... that's me

Hey, here's an idea. If you don't like my posts, how about you stay out of them? For whatever reason, you don't like me and I couldn't give a crap. If you have something contructive to add (whether I agree with it or not) it is appreciated but please keep your snide remarks to yourself... or is that what makes you feel like a "big" man?