Would this bother you?

[kdibattista]

My BIL (husband's brother) is expecting a baby. They are struggling financially trying to buy a house so I knew that his fiance would have to go back to work (she also has 2 children from a previous marriage). I'm very fortunate that my schedule allows me to be home 3 days during the week. I talked to DH and we both thought it would be great for all of us if I offered to watch their baby for the 3 days I'm home (for free) so they would only have to pay someone for 2 days. It would work out financially for them (daycare runs $225 per week around here) and it would be good for our soon to be adopted daughter to have a cousin around to help her catch up developmentally.

I called my BIL and offered and he seemed really excited about it. We saw his fiance a few days later and she didn't say anything. I talked to BIL again later that week and asked if he said anything to his fiance. He said he did. We have seen her several times since and she still hasn't said anything.

Believe me, I'm completely ok with whatever they choose and told my BIL that I would not be offended if they wanted to go a different route... so it's not that. I just found it odd that she hasn't acknowledged the fact that I offered. I know they are busy with trying to buy a house and getting ready for the baby but she even had a discussion with the family (me included) over dinner about who was going to watch her older 2 children after school and she still didn't say anything. It just seems odd and I'm not sure why, but it's really irking me.

Would that bother you?

 

[KelNottAt]

Perhaps she's waiting for you to say something to her first?

 

[dg39]

I would agree with kelnottat, she may be waiting for you to mention it to her.

Its also very, very nice of you to offer.

 

[melanie18]

Maybe they decided against it and it's awkward for him to tell you? It was an awfully generous offer though!

 

[MAKmom]

I would drop it. Yes, I would be hurt but she may not know better.

 

[kdibattista]

I guess that could be it but I really don't think so. According to BIL (when I wanted to make sure he told her) she wants to "wait until the house is settled first". I took that to mean that she wants to discuss the option when things calm down, which I completely understand. It just bothers me that she hasn't mentioned it at all.

I should say that I think other things about her are probably making me a little more sensitive then I probably would be... that's why I want to see if this alone would bother anyone else.

Thanks!!!

 

[chris1gill]

How far along is she? If she is in the first trimester or two, I wouldn't be bothered by her silence... honestly, if they are trying to buy a house, have two other children & trying to get things together, daycare is probably the last thing on her mind... I know I didn't honestly think about it til my third trimester! So, I'd mention it to her directly & then not be bothered one way or the other... I think your offer is incredibly generous by the way!

 

[kdibattista]

How far along is she? If she is in the first trimester or two, I wouldn't be bothered by her silence... honestly, if they are trying to buy a house, have two other children & trying to get things together, daycare is probably the last thing on her mind... I know I didn't honestly think about it til my third trimester! So, I'd mention it to her directly & then not be bothered one way or the other... I think your offer is incredibly generous by the way!

She is 6 months along. I actually thought about waiting to offer but I thought it might take some of the stress off. I did tell BIL that I would not be offended at all if they chose someone else. (Well... maybe I would but I wouldn't let on )

 

[Southern4sure]

I agree, she might be waiting for you to talk to her. Maybe going through your BIL is hurtful to her right now with all the hormones and stress of buying a house, she could feel like an outsider. I would take her out to lunch then casual mention it. Tell her you understand the stress and pressure she is under right now but you are there for her. If she decides to take you up on your offer all she needs to do is let you know.

This is a great thing you are offering. If for some reason she does not accept your offer, please do not feel rejected and hurt.

 

[darrose]

Maybe she doesnt want you to babysit and is uncomfortable telling you that. It was a generous offer, but I think I would let it go. Try to not feel hurt she is probably looking at it as IF something ever went wrong that there would be stress in the family and she would rather have good relations than the possiblity
of fights down the road.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Perhaps she's waiting for you to say something to her first?

This is my thought too.

 

[mlg32]

OK I think its strange that she hasn't said anything.Anyone that has 2 kids already knows what a HUGE deal it is to watch a baby, and you are being Extremely generous. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she is offended or embarrassed because they are having financial problems and you are in a way acknowledging that because you offered to sit for free?? I totally think you are being above and beyond nice, just a thought.

 

[VSL]

Definitely a very kind thing for you to do.

I was wondering if maybe she may feel a little 'embarrassed', or feel that you are judging her in some way (although it seems clear that you're not an are more than willing to help out and just want to take some of the stress away from her). Maybe she's feeling a bit sensitive and is having some kind of inferiority complex, in that she wishes she could do what you do?

I agree with others as well who have suggested that maybe you bring it up with her though - maybe she feels uncomfortable bringing it up herself and doesn't want to 'impose'?

Either way, you're doing a wonderful thing in offering

 

[Beth76]

I would let it go. Or perhaps ask her yourself. It could be that she just doesn't want to tell you no and hurt your feelings. I can say that while it is a very generous offer, it's not an ideal situation to move a baby between two daycares.

 

[kilee]

Thats a tough one. I think it could be either way here. Either she's waiting for you to say something, or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and say no.

Possibly give it a bit more time.....see if something comes up again.

 

[tekmom]

I wouldn't let it bother me. You offered and for whatever the reason, they don't want to do it. I know you are trying to raise money for your adoption, so perhaps you could use the 3 days you have to get a parttime job so that you can save more quickly. Some people honestly would rather NOT have a family member watch their kids. It can get sticky.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Hmmm, who knows why she's not even acknowledging your offer. Seems that she would at least mention it and tell you that they're waiting to decide what their plans are until the house settles, or whatever she's waiting for.

I wouldn't have even recommended that you make that offer, especially for free. I've done part time (and fulltime) daycare of babies and not only is it a lot of work at a time that you're going to be wanting to spend it with your newly adopted baby, but if you are doing it for free the temptation is there for you to watch what they do spend the money that they are saving on daycare and make judgements on what they are spending.

I would have volunteered to be the back-up sitter on days that the daycare cancels or for them to be able to go out for dinner, etc. That way you wouldn't be commiting to too much and your child could have some cousin time.

But, you've already offered, so it's too late for all my advice.

I wouldn't say anything about it for awhile and then if it isn't brought back up I would ask them if they've decided what they are going to do for daycare after the baby is born.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I guess that could be it but I really don't think so. According to BIL (when I wanted to make sure he told her) she wants to "wait until the house is settled first". I took that to mean that she wants to discuss the option when things calm down, which I completely understand. It just bothers me that she hasn't mentioned it at all.

I should say that I think other things about her are probably making me a little more sensitive then I probably would be... that's why I want to see if this alone would bother anyone else. Thanks!!!

This statement says a lot to me. There is obviously much more going on here and maybe your SIL is picking up on your feelings about her. I would NOT ask again to babysit....if she wants you to she will let you know.

 

[Evil Genius]

I would discuss it with her directly. It could be that your BIL might not have brought it up to her yet.

 

[macraven]

i saw this another way.

your bil is not married to her, correct?
she has 2 kids that are not your bil, correct?

i would think she would prefer that you talk to her directly about the childcare you can help with rather than to her boyfriend.

since they are not married, she might be the one that calls the shots on the 2 kids. maybe she makes all the arrangements whenever they are concerned.

all you have to do is talk to her. if you feel uncomfortable in doing so since she is aware you have offered your help, drop her a line in a card.
just tell her you are thinking of her and write you would like to be there for her and help.

sometimes it is best to talk directly to the person you want to help.
things have a way of not being expressed the way you want it to when presented second hand. did bil tell her everything the way expressed it?