Would it be awful....

[homeschoolmomof4]

if I left my two ADD/OCD kids at home next year with daddy while I take our other two children to Disney? I feel like an awful mommy for even suggesting it, but we just got back from Disney and I'm completely saddened by the fact that our two kids with "issues" seem to have sucked the the joy out of the trip for my other two kids. We thought we had the issues under control with the help of meds for especially the OCD behavior. But alas it wasn't so. For 2years running my other two have had to be at the mercy of the two with issues when we've gone to Disney. We also homeschool and have to deal with OT's, speech therapists, psychologists on a weekly basis. I feel like my other two are missing out because the two with issues demand so much of our time and attention. So would it be awful for me to plan a trip for just the three of us? I guess the fact that I'm even asking shows the level of mommy guilt I'm experiencing just thinking about it... Aww heck I'm just getting choked up writing about it. Anyone else ever feel like this?

 

[pugluver31902]

I can understand that you probably feel frustrated, and Im sure that it would be difficult to see your kids missing out on things because of thier siblings, but I personally think that taking only part of your family to Disney would be a bad bad idea. Growing up, I was the add/ocd kid that threw tantrums and basically disrupted my whole family's life. My mom took my brothers to special things bc quite honestly, yes, I would have probably disrupted them. But the emotional damage that has done to me I cannot even describe. When you are a child, you don't understand that you are a difficult child. But when my mom would take my brothers places that I didn't get to go, I felt less loved. I felt as if I was the "damaged" child. That hurt me to the core and still does to this day, even though I am now 24. Over the years my problems were worked out and the symptoms subsided, especially after going on a gluten free diet, but the pain of seeing my brothers favored has never left me. I understand why my mom did what she did, but it doesnt make it hurt any less. My best advice would be to see if you could work something out with your husband where all of you go, and then split the kids between you and trade off. Such as one day you take the more difficult children and your husband takes the others. Then the next day you switch. Everyone gets to go, the ADD kids don't feel left out, and the other kids get some time away from the problems and have uninteruppted time with mom or dad. You never have to tell the kids why you did that. You can simply say that by splitting up everyone gets the chance to do what they want. Schedule a few family activities throughout the trip that may be lower stress such as pool time at the hotel. Whatever you choose, best of luck!

 

[toocherie]

Sorry--I disagree with the previous poster. While he/she may have had issues because they thought their sibling got "special" time with Mom or Dad (and therefore they were less loved), they have no clue how the child without the medical condition feels. Mom and Dad are probably spending 80% of their time and energy dealing with the child with medical/emotional issues and it can be just as damaging to the self-esteem of the other child. By scheduling "me alone" time it in some small way makes up for the lack of attention the child normally doesn't get.

I think you should take the two non-ocd kids to Disney by themselves. Perhaps your spouse can schedule something special with the "stay-at-home" kids for the same time so the hurt feelings--if any--aren't quite as bad. Probably best of all would be to have special "one-on-one" time with each of them to round things out.

 

[pugluver31902]

I don't think any scheduled time at home would compare to the fun of going to Disney world. I do understand that it would be difficult for the 'normal' kids to be around the add/ocd kids all the time, which is why I suggested everyone going but spending time apart.

 

[livndisney]

To present the "other" side of the coin:

I grew up in a house with a special need sister. EVERYTHING was always about her. EVERYTHING. I often felt "invisible". There were so many things I could not do, because my sister could not do it. (And my parents did not want her feeling "bad"). I grew up knowing my feelings/needs did not matter. A LOT of "extra" work fell to me. And as much as I love my sister, I did resent her. I would have LOVED it if just once I could have done something that was important to me. If I could have spent some quality time with my Mom doing things together-just the two of us.
To this day my Mom and I are not close. She really doesn't know me.

I am now a parent of a special needs child and when my second child comes along I will make sure I make time to make sure the 2nd childs needs are met and that she does not feel "neglected". I will make sure she knows she is valued as well as her sister.

Personally if you made the choice to spend one on one time with your children I don't think that is a bad thing. MANY parents travel without all their children. Some parents travel WITHOUT their children at all.

 

[Selket]

I like the idea of everyone going but splitting up - maybe even for the whole day (dawn to dusk) - you can spend some quality time with each pair of kids and so can dad. We have different issues (my younger has several different issues and my older has ADD but isn't disruptive). We do spend a lot of time with the younger one and I do feel like I don't get the "quality" time with the older one. At WDW I've found that it works well for us to split up - as the older one and I do the thrill rides, etc. It is nice just to spend some time with just him. And my husband and I do trade off.

I think only *you* know if that will work for your family though. I'm sorry the last trip was so difficult.

 

[Mrsjvb]

I was the 'problem child" and let me tell you, my brother suffered MIGHTILY because of all my issues and needs.

he missed out on much of his childhood because of MY needing to be in the hospital so much and all the time and energy the 'rents spent on my needs.

I think you SHOULD take your 'normal' kids alone to Disney. let them ENJOY being a kid, without having to miss out on stuff due to their sibling's behavior or needs.

You can always choose to take them on their own special outing where their issues won't be one.

 

[freckles and boo]

Instead of staying in a deluxe, can you do two cheaper, shorter trips? One for the kids whose needs slow you down, and one for the kids who don't have special needs? That way each kid gets to go to WDW and nobody is frustrated. We are doing a family trip in April, but I hope to take my daughters individually in the future on shorter "Mommy and Me" trips.

 

[disneyobessed]

I am a mother of a special needs child and 2 non special needs children. My son is 8 and has cp.. and my middle son is 6 and our duagher is 8 mos... We do everything in our power to make our middle son feel just as important.. by doing things alone with him as well.. with having a speical needs brother and a new baby sister.. he is somtimes lacking the attention... I think taking the two kids alone to disney world is fine. My 2 sons get along very well... and if I took the middle one with out the older one he'd be bored.. but its so important to do quality things with the other kids as well.. which im sure you know.. and somtimes its "ok" to give yourself a break and not have to worry about the issues.. as guilty as you may feel....

 

[Schmeck]

Would it be possible to go on a trip with each child individually? Set a certain age, and say that 'when you are # yrs old, you get to go with mommy to WDW, just the two of us". I've done that with both of my girls, (not WDW, but a special trip) but I know it would be much harder with four children.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Certainly not being in your shoes the only thing that came to mind that would be "fair" for everyone is that everyone goes and certain times on certain days you separate for a bit of time.
Do you have anyone that can travel with you to help when one child is having a very tough time that day and maybe can go back to the resort for some quiet time with a movie or a walk around the resort?
I'm sure people will share some great thoughts & ideas with you. Best to you...

 

[KirstenB]

Have you tried shorter, closer trips with the two "normal" kids? We have a 9 yr old, and a 2 1/2 yr old. The younger one is our "special" kiddo. Often either dh or I will take our older dd on a day trip to Busch Gardens, movie/shopping etc. In June, when our youngest was not quite 2, dh wound up with a 4 day bonus trip to WDW through his work. My parents babysat our youngest and it was great. Our older dd is SO good to her little sister, it was fun just to spoil her for a few days.

We have friends who have a child with ADD/sensory issues. We had her stay with us while they took their other child camping one weekend. The mom confided in me that the "normal" kid kept saying all weekend how relaxing it was, and how much fun. It had been years since the 3 of them had done something together. I think as parents we don't always step back and see how it is to be a sibling of a "special" kiddo. I know I don't. Usually, I'm just trying to survive.

Who would watch your "special" kids? Your husband? It sounds like the trip to WDW might have been really hard on them too. So, maybe if they got to do their favorite things with dad at home that would be a cool break for them too.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

As I do not have children at home I cannot comment.

However, over a year ago there was a similar thread. I have looked back over a year in this forum and from inception on the disABILITIES Community Board and cannot find it.

If I recall the consensus was that the children without problems need a vacation where they can be children and not have to be second to the one(s) with disabilities. They should also be aware that there is a strong possibility that the other child(ren) may go on a vacation without them.

Personally, I do not believe that taking the whole family on a vacation and then splitting up at the vacation spot is a good idea. But that is only my opinion and I do not have factual (or experience) basis for it.

 

[KirstenB]

Okay, I just re-read your post, proving I can't read the first time! I see where you said your dh would watch them.

 

[HopperFan]

As long as your entire family is taking a vacation together each year, I see no reason why you can not travel with one or two without the others as well. My oldest is my special child so his two younger siblings have never known a time when he didn't impact their lives. They have given up alot of our attention at times. They are wonderful siblings and treat him like a king.......and I have no guilt in allowing them special trips with one of us or with other family members or with school, and they have. One rough year Dad took them on a trip for week while I stayed home with my special son because he simply would have changed the entire type of trip it was. They deserved that trip, and my son & I did some fun things at home. Now that he is out of school (and they are not) he has gotten a few trips to WDW, just he and I. So it is their time to understand he is going without them.

From your description it almost sounds like your two special children had been doing fairly well, but at WDW they had setbacks. Could it be possible that WDW was simply too overwhelming for them and they really did not enjoy the experience. Staying home may be more enjoyable for them at this time in their lives. I also agree that all of you going, and then splitting up is potentially more harmful than not taking them.

I say you plan the trip, and also plan some special activities them with Dad while you are gone so they have that to look forward to. Nice for them to not share him with everyone. May turn out to be a great time for them. Time when they are not trying to be "typical" but just being themselves.

 

[SilverMickey]

Wow! I had never thought of this. I can't imagine going on a vacation without my DH or either of my boys. My youngest has Autism. The oldest is his best friend and does a world of good for him. We make sure that mom's taxi takes the oldest to dances, karate, golf, basketball ect. The big whoop for the youngest is our family outings. I try to pay attention so that the oldest doesn't get special needs over-load. I guess I need a haert to heart with him to make sure I'm not over-looking "stuff".

I hope you find a solution that works for all of you!

 

[mechurchlady]

Have a family meeting and explain your plans. Mom goes on a short trip with the two nondisabled kids to WDW in order to plan the family's WDW next year. Make the two nondisabled kids helpers and trip planners. This way they will not hear "Wait here while I do this for the other two kids" but instead they get to put they input into the matter. You could while on the trip be seeing what would work and what would not work. You got many resources online but in person you will know for sure what will not work.

While in line for a ride or show you can watch the disabled loading area and see what you might need to avoid meltdowns. Are there things your family avoid like spiders or snakes because of phobia? You could stop at the Guest Relations and get the disabled info to take home and let your disabled kids plan the family vacation with the 6 of you. The two kids with you could have fun on rides while you are planning the next trip. Make sure while on the explatory trip that you have a lot of us time between the three of you.

When you get home you could tell them what you found out and tell them about the fun things they can do.

It is hard when your life is all about one person. My 82 year old mother was slapped around as a kid, cannot ask me for things she wants but suggests, whines or has hissy fits, at times is very antisocial, and now is disabled. For me the greatest thing was my trip to the midwest USA and getting away from her for a short respite. It is draining me and caring for a diabled person can be very drainging.

 

[HopperFan]

Wow! I had never thought of this. I can't imagine going on a vacation without my DH or either of my boys. My youngest has Autism. The oldest is his best friend and does a world of good for him. We make sure that mom's taxi takes the oldest to dances, karate, golf, basketball ect. The big whoop for the youngest is our family outings. I try to pay attention so that the oldest doesn't get special needs over-load. I guess I need a haert to heart with him to make sure I'm not over-looking "stuff".

I hope you find a solution that works for all of you!

I understand what you are saying. Years ago I could NEVER have imagined this scenario. DH and I have never gone on a trip w/out kids (although he has traveled many other countries with work and squeezes in extra tourist time). We even joke when our two "typical" children are grown and gone, it will be us two and our special son taking cruises and traveling the world, as I can't imagine leaving him. When they were younger I could have never imagined going with only some of us. But as my son got older and some issues became more of a problem, and his siblings were becoming more and more patient and tolerant.......you see that sometimes these trips were therapeutic for all. That said we are fortunate to do several vacations a year as a family together ! We were lucky that when he was younger he was easy to travel with. Now travel plans and destinations must always take him into consideration. It sounds like the OP is having to deal with big issues at a much younger age. She has many years to go and so do her other children. Sometimes re-energizing is a good thing for everyone.

 

[alizesmom]

Fair does not always mean treating the same. Your "normal" kids would do well with a break and special mommy time. Then you schedule something for the other 2 as special mommy time. It doesn't have to be WDW but can be something they would enjoy and be able to tolerate. Karen

 

[homeschoolmomof4]

Thank ya'll so much for your warm and caring responses. What an amazing group of people there are here on the Dis.

My oldest DS says he loved the trip, but honestly he whined and complained the entire time and had several "meltdowns". I really don't think he enjoyed it that much. We thought the Zoloft was keeping the OCD behaviors in check, but he got "stuck" several times as well. We also brought his Nintendo DS to keep him busy in lines, but then he refused to bring it with him into the park and didn't want us to take it along for him either. When we try this again, I'm thinking that I might ask his doctor to increase his meds for the week and see how that goes. We also thought that by going at a slow time of year that with shorter lines, he'd get less frustrated. Not so. Even with Fastpasses, he'd get all worked up. The one thing he really enjoyed was pin trading. I was going to go again the week after Thanksgiving this year, but I'm now rethinking this and think I'll schedule the trip for the end of February just in case we all go together. The week after Thanksgiving would be too busy for him.

If we decide that the oldest and the youngest DS's should stay here and not go to Disney, Dad would take the week off and spend time doing things with them like going to the movies, laser tag, dinners out, indoor mini golf etc. If we do decide to go this route, the following year, 2010, we would try to take them all again when everyone was older, a bit more mature and we've had more time to work on some of the issues.

Honestly, I think some of the issues we're having here are a "me" thing. I'm getting a bit burnt out homeschooling 4 children and dealing with the special needs and trying to keep things as normal as possible for the other two. My oldest is on a competition dance team and we have to take her to practice some distance away several times a week, all 3 boys do karate, we have all the specialists appointments and I just don't get enough down time or enough sleep. I really needed a break at Disney and I just didn't get it. Maybe my expectations were just too high. We really thought that the meds had gotten some of the bigger issues under control, but being in the new environment was just too much for my two with issues.

Sheesh! I'm just rambling on here! Thanks so much for listening and taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.