Workplace "Donation" For A Funeral--What's Appropriate?

[Christine]

I've been working for the same company for many years. Whenever we have a co-worker's family member who passes away, we as a group (about 70 people) will chip in and send flowers. Many times the grieving family will not want flowers and will request a donation be made to a charity in the deceased person's name. No problem with that.

Recently, however, the person who has been spearheading the collections has said that "in lieu of flowers we would like to give the family a gift certificate to a local grocery store." I'm not sure if the co-worker is asking for this or if the head of the cash collecting committee is requesting this. I can understand why someone might want this because often you have many visitors from out of town that stay over, must be fed, etc. But for some reason, this just doesn't "feel" right to me and others in the office have said the same. I can't really give a good reason why it doesn't seem appropriate. Maybe I'm just stuck in the old ways.

Does this hit YOU a funny way?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

it feels ok to me. but I come from a different tradition. Jewish custom frowns on sending flowers -- flowers are for the living, not for the dead. we usually bring food when we pay a condolence call.

 

[Christine]

Briar Rose,
I certainly understand the "bringing of food". That is always a big tradition for us to. If you go to the family's house after the funeral, you usually show up with a casserole or something.

This is going to be more like giving the family several hundred dollars worth of Safeway gift certificates. Most people chip in $5-$10 so it could be anywhere from $300-$700.

 

[caitycaity]

we have done that before in the office, and out of the office. we've also done gift certificates to restaurants. sometimes the family requests stuff like that.

 

[suzannen]

I handle the donations in our office. Since we are a philanthropic organization, we give donations to charities that either the deceased supported or else (at the families' request) to further medical research into the illness causing the loved one's death. The thought is to some way honor the deceased. Giving a gift certificate to a grocery store might help the immediate family, but it does not really "honor" the deceased, so my boss would never approve a request like that (not to mention I don't think it would be a tax deduction either). I guess the question is what is your organization's ultimate goal with these donations - to honor the deceased or to assist the family?

Good luck - these issues can be very tricky!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think suzannen's question is a good one. If your ultimate goal is to help out the family, then the grocery store gift certificate is a good choice. Whether they use it for circumstances surrounding the funeral(such as feeding condolence callers or whatever) or later on, it's a nice gesture.

However, if oyur desire is to honor the deceased, then a donation to a charity is probably better. If the deceased had a favorite charity or casue, donate to that. If they died of a disease that has an "association"..ie-the American Heart Association, the American Diabetes Asscoiation...then a donation to that would be nice. If they were cared for by an especially good nursing home or homecare agency, then a donatin to that would be good.

It's all in what your intention is.

 

[4greatboys]

Funerals are very expensive. Maybe the family could use the extra help. I know when my mom died the funeral home wanted all the money then and there. I wouldnt think badly of giving or receiving that type of gift.

 

[TLinden16]

I'll give you my take on this, as someone who just lost my mom a few months ago. A few of our aunts, and some close friends gave us checks, and said, "Please use this for expenses." We were very greatful for that, and it helped with some of the odds and end expenses we ran into. That being said, it would have been odd if we had received that money from co-workers, or casual friends.

A friend of the family gave me a check for $50 when my mom died, and it really bothered me to get it. I felt like someone was giving me a gift because my mom died. I know she didn't mean it that way, but that is how it made me feel. My family told me to go buy something with the money, but I couldn't bring myself to buy something with it--I felt like I would look at that item and remember getting that money because my mom died. I wound up taking my siblings out to lunch with the money the day we cleaned out my mom's room.

I don't think I would give someone gift cards for a grocery store after a death in the family. I personally think that the donations are nice option. We were very appreciative of all of the people who donated to our church in memory of my mom.

Karen

 

[CEDmom]

I personally find that idea strange. I also don't think the flower route is the best use of the money either. Normally the family orders sufficient flowers so any others are just a waste really. I like the idea of making a donation to a charity, the library, the deceased's church or local first aid squad etc.

 

[aprilgail2]

At work we all chip in as much as we want...anywhere from 5-20 each and we give the person the cash to do with what they want. For my dad I gave the money to his church and they built a bell tower with his name on the plaque.. For my godsons funeral...all his teachers in grade schoool, Jr high and sr high all chipped in and they gave a sizable check, almost everyone who attended brought a check, he was also a junior firefighter so the firehouse gave money. His funeral cost close to 10,000 and was covered mainly by people giving checks.

 

[AdventurerKat]

I think if the family is in a position where they are in need of the money then it is totally appropriate. Funerals are expensive. Many people have no way to pay for them.

I personally hate sending flowers to someone's funeral when I am asked to do so at work. I know it is supposed to be a gesture of support for the family but I agree, flowers are for the living.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I think you have to consider the circumstances of each family in evaluating what should be done. If the family is not so well off, I don't think the food certificates are a bad idea. If the family's needs are being pretty well met a donation to charity could be made.

TC

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

There is no better way to help the family in a time of need than to give the family what they need. I can't imagine anyone requesting grocery store certificates if they did not truly need them. If your goal is to help the family, I would honor their request. If your goal is to honor the deceased, maybe a charitable donation would be in order. Personally, I would hate to have a memorial made in my name if my family was in need.

 

[Christine]

Well, the problem here is this--no one in this company appears to be "in need." No way to really tell. I'm not really against this--like I said, it just kind of hit me funny along with some others. I sort of feel like TLinden (Karen) explained. I'm certainly not hurting for cash but if one of my parents died, I'm sure it would cost me a small fortune. Still, I think I would feel weird if my office handed me a check for a few hundred dollars. I agree that flowers are a huge waste of money and we haven't "done" flowers in awhile. I guess I'm more of a charitable donation person. Of course, I will be donating but I just find the gift certificates weird.

 

[aprilgail2]

Another thing that was done when my godson died was that people sent over food....trays of hot food, platters of cold cuts, trays of cookies and pastrys. In the mornings there would be people delivering bagels and coffees...it was very nice not to have to worry about cooking or anything for the 3 days of his wake and funeral, it was a load off the mind.

 

[Rajah]

We asked for donations to the institutions that do research into diabetes and asthma. Of course, we only had a couple of people participate.

I think it really depends on the situation. If the family asked for the grocery store cards, then definitely do that. If the family needs the money for the food, then do it. But if it's just the coordinator saying "this would be nice", I'd feel kinda strange, too.

I do have to say that the most helpful things people did for us were bringing food trays, primarily sandwiches or sandwich materials. We used all of those and they came in very handy. So IMHO if the family didn't request grocery store gift certificates, I'd go for food instead of just gift certificates.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Giving a gift certificate to a grocery store might help the immediate family, but it does not really "honor" the deceased, so my boss would never approve a request like that

You are honoring the deceased when you help their family. I can't imagine a change in the normal routine without there being some reason. Even the most well off families can get into trouble when a major illness hits. You just never know what is going on in somebody else's home. If it is grocery store gift certs you know they aren't going on vacation with the money. Perhaps something happened and there is no life insurance. Maybe there are young children at home, or some in college. The small donation each person is making here is not going to break anybody and you might be feeding the family for 2 months. Enough time for alternate sources of income to be developed, or life insurance policies to be cashed if they exist.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

Why not take a portion of the money (say65-75%) and donate to a charity or cause and take the remaining (25-35%) and give them the GC or buy food.

I think in those first few days it is so tuff that it would be nice to not have to worry about getting food or making something, most people are not usually up to doing all of that.