Work Shower for Second/Third Marriage?

[bluerendezvous]

My principal (a truly nice man) has decided that we (our teaching group) would hold a wedding shower for the administrative intern/SpEd teacher at our school. We were given the date, time, and what item to bring. All of this without consulting us in any way.

Now some background... The lady the shower is for is not generally well liked. Also, it's her second or third marriage. There was much surprise when we were told that we were "hosting" this shower. After some discussion, our group decided that a card and some cash (from an envelope passed around) would be more appropriate. Well, our principal doesn't seem to like this idea! What should we do? By the way, the money envelope thing is fairly common at our school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How nuts is that?

How dare someone tell you you "have to" give a gift and host a shower.

Frankly if your principal is doing this, he is not a "nice man". Time to take off the rose colored glasses.

If he were a "nice man" your group would tell him that this is inappropriate and he would be shamed and apologize.

 

[MAKmom]

If showers are not common it is very weird. If you do not have tenor I would go & bring my item

 

[wilderness01]

He should throw it if he is so adamant.

 

[emer95]

Holy Moly. I don't even want to tell you what I thought this thread was about from the title.

 

[SpecialK]

Since he's obviously an etiquette dunce, I'd use that to your advantage. Tell him that since showers for second marriages are not common, customary shower gifts would be inappropriate. Since the bride-to-be has already set up house once or twice, cash or a gift card would be the most considerate gift.

 

[C.Ann]

Crazy, yes - but if going against his wishes could cost you your job, I'm afraid you may just have to go along with it..

 

[bluerendezvous]

Crazy, yes - but if going against his wishes could cost you your job, I'm afraid you may just have to go along with it..

No worries there! He really, truly is a good man that means well. He's a new principal and fairly young. It doesn't help that he has to manage all these women. I almost feel sorry for him.

I was just concerned that we were out of line for not being eager to provide a shower for people that have set up house several times.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Have you always thrown coworkers showers in the past? Has she participated in them? Is this the first that you're considering not throwing a shower for?

If the answers to these questions are yes, then I do think it was appropriate for him to have you give her a shower. He may well be aware that she isn't well liked and feels that that is the driving force behind the decision to not have a shower.

 

[bluerendezvous]

Have you always thrown coworkers showers in the past? Has she participated in them? Is this the first that you're considering not throwing a shower for?

The showers have always been for first marriages and babies. She doesn't often participate. We DO believe that her marriage should be recognized by us, just not with the whole presents, fanfare, etc. We are more than willing to pass an envelope for cash and to purchase a nice card to go with it.

 

[cheermom1]

The showers have always been for first marriages and babies. She doesn't often participate. We DO believe that her marriage should be recognized by us, just not with the whole presents, fanfare, etc. We are more than willing to pass an envelope for cash and to purchase a nice card to go with it.

I think that is totally appropriate - when I got marred the second time we didn't have a huge fuss over showers and such, we got a few gifts and some gift cards and we got those at the wedding..

 

[Stacerita]

Unless its someone you really like and really want to host a shower for, I think its fine to just do the gift.

 

[christineann]

This reminds me of a recent baby shower for a co worker (3rd baby). Invitations were sent, and a few days before the shower, the hostess emailed us and asked what food we were planning to bring. I certainly don't mind pot luck get togethers, but I find it odd that it wasn't presented as such until right before the shower.

Awkward.

 

[KirstenB]

You may be sort of stuck. I'd guess the principal already ran the date/time by the guest, so it'd be awkward to not do anything. Buy some cake, punch and snacks and give her the envelope you're thinking of.

I know you don't care for your colleague, but one of the sweetest showers I ever went to was for a second wedding. The bride had 3 kids, and neither she nor the groom had a lot of money. We all chipped in, and one of her close friends booked a bed and breakfast weekend stay for them after the wedding. The bride-to-be burst out crying and said, "I thought Larry and I would just have a honeymoon night at __________(crap hotel we all had heard of off of 95 south). She was so grateful. This was a very close group, many of whom were single moms eaking out a living.

All I'm saying is, don't begrudge a shower for a 2nd wedding, just because it's not her first.

And tell your principal that you all will take care of the showers in the future. You know he has a busy job, etc.

 

[DISUNC]

The Principal seems to be trying to buy a friendship from the one getting married (using other peoples money)?
His he friends with her? Her DH to be?

Sounds like he has a ulterior motive...and being a PEST in doing so.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would buy the gift only to keep peace in the workplace but I would not "host " any shower (I would certainly be "busy" the day of the shower)- especially since I am really against showers for second marriages and second babies- its all just a big greedy gift grab at that point!

 

[tw1nsmom]

You never really answered my previous question. What has been done in the past when it comes to second marriages among staff? Has that even been an issue in the past or is the first teacher who is getting married for the second/third time while being employed there?

Really, it feels as though the principal is trying to keep the cliques from singling out this woman because she isn't liked and they don't approve of her marriage.

That's the vibe I got from the OP and I'm guessing it's the vibe that the principal got from the staff.

I used to substitute in a lot of school district and I currently volunteer extensively in my kids school. No matter how good the teachers are in the classroom, when they get into the faculty lounge/lunchroom there's always an element of high school cliques going on. Sometimes I think some people are drawn to the teaching profession because they really loved the social dynamics of school and want to keep it up (not necessarily the case in the OP).

The districts with the least drama were the ones where the principal would nip this behavior in the bud as soon as possible.

If it's standard practice to give people showers then give one for this woman. If you think it may have gotten back to her that she's being talked about...give her the shower. Act the way you would expect your students to act.

It doesn't have to be an elaborate affair. Call it a bridal luncheon to celebrate her new marriage and hand her the envelope. Do something. If you don't and there's ever a real reason to complain to the principal about her then he'll just assume you're all being catty again.