work lunches

[maedelken]

Just a quick question. Would anyone feel uncomfortable with your spouse going out to a one hour lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex? I don't mean a older one, one around the same age.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

If it was a rare thing...no...not at all. If it was a daily thing...and they were going alone (not in a group)...yes, I would find that weird.

 

[Disneychix]

Totally depends on who this person is and the type of job/atmosphere of the lunch/workplace of your spouse. I often go to lunch with one of my co-workers because we take lunch at the same time and sit next to eachother so we talk all day anyway. If DH had the same type of co-worker I wouldn't care. If DH went out of his way to make a new female friend and started going to lunch with her I'd have a problem.

 

[maedelken]

They went alone. He said this was the first time. She is married and has a kid but that doesn't mean anything right? I asked him if she was happily married he said yes we talked about our kids most of the time. No mention of talking about spouses. He is also her boss. I feel like I am over reacting but these things can turn into something if it keeps happening. I feel insecure because I just had a baby. I feel hurt and confused.

 

[maedelken]

He is in a new department head of a new department. He said he asked all the men and they were busy so he asked a female employee. He wanted to try to fit in and make new friends. I told him I felt uncomfortable with it and it would be different if it was a group. I am so confused. He doesn't have to worry about me. He has me at home he knows who I am going to lunch with. After the fourth I didn't go back to work. I told him to think how he would feel if I went out to lunch with a male coworker. I am sure he wouldn't like it either.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

They went alone. He said this was the first time. She is married and has a kid but that doesn't mean anything right? I asked him if she was happily married he said yes we talked about our kids most of the time. No mention of talking about spouses. He is also her boss. I feel like I am over reacting but these things can turn into something if it keeps happening. I feel insecure because I just had a baby. I feel hurt and confused.

So sorry you feel that way sweetie. I think the best thing you can do is in a calm manor, let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him how insecure you feel, and that your just not sure how appropriate it is for him to be doing that. Just one question - did they go to a restaurant, or is there an on-site cafeteria?
Hope everything works out for you hun!!

 

[maedelken]

It was at a new restaurant that is at the food court at the school union. So it wasn't quite a restaurant.

 

[Disneychix]

He is in a new department head of a new department. He said he asked all the men and they were busy so he asked a female employee. He wanted to try to fit in and make new friends. I told him I felt uncomfortable with it and it would be different if it was a group. I am so confused. He doesn't have to worry about me. He has me at home he knows who I am going to lunch with. After the fourth I didn't go back to work. I told him to think how he would feel if I went out to lunch with a male coworker. I am sure he wouldn't like it either.

It's totally normal to feel that way since you are at home now! I only work part time and it bothers me to no end when I hear of DH going out to lunch (wouldn't I like to have a nice meal MADE for me!) and I'm home all day. I wouldn't worry too much about it. He is in a new position and he wants to fit in. Unless you really think it's wierd I wouldn't push it too much. And you said the girl is married and has kids of her own so maybe her husband is thinking it's not right too.

 

[trivial]

I'm a guy, and I would have a problem with it (as would my wife). Have you shared how you feel with your husband? Talk is cheap (happily married, etc.), but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. His reaction to how you feel about it would be the most revealing thing IMHO.

 

[brandylouwho]

Well, now that it has already happened, I would maybe share my feelings (which you already did) and ask him not to do it again in the future. If he agrees, then you'll also need to let this one slide, so to speak...don't hold it against him anymore.

Also, in the future, your hubby may want to not do one on one lunches with female co-workers for other/professional reasons too--consider how his actions may be interpreted at work by others. An innocent lunch could be misinterpreted by other employees or even the female in question.

I work in an office of nearly all men (sometimes it has been all men and then me). I have occassionally done lunch one on one with my male boss. It is very occassinally and my husband knows my boss socially. He does not have a problem with it. It is usually a reward for good work of some sort. Or to celebrate an "anniversary" like 5 years on the job or whatnot.

I also had a male co-worker ( a really nice guy) that promised me a lunch for some extra work I had done for him, but one of his own rules was not to do a one on one lunch with a female other than his wife, as it just was not in good taste (form his point of view). It was something he had read somewhere along the way in a book about creating a harmoniuos work environment or some such thing. When he bought me my lunch we invited another coworker to join us--problem solved. If no one could go, we would have done it a different day.

Chances are you have nothing to feel worried or jealous about and your husband's explanation was truthful. You might be feeling more vulnerable than usual right now (new baby, hormones, overtiredness, etc.), but that is not to say that your feelings about the situation are invalid. Just one more piece of the puzlze to consider.

Good luck honey--I hope he agrees that it wasn't the best choice and decides not to do it again in the future.

 

[gibsontrio]

Honestly , It would make me uncomfortable. If I were you I would reassure your husband you trust him but it makes you uncomfortable so he needs to respect that. Going as a group is one thing but just the two of them wouldnt be alright with me. You are totally right to feel the way you do and that right there says because you do feel that way it shouldnt happen again. I'm sure it was harmless but you never know

 

[TiggerandBelleFanMom]

I would be fine with it unless it was some super romantic restaurant.

It's just lunch. Lunch or coffee with a co-worker of either gender and any sexual preference is fine with me. One-on-one in the hot tub at the convention hotel would be a different story!

I've been married for almost 18 years, and I guess I believe in giving a spouse a little latitude. I know I would feel stifled if my spouse wouldn't allow me to have lunch with a male colleague. I've had dinner one-on-one with male colleagues when we were at conventions as well. In none of these cases was it even remotely romantic! It's a lot more fun to go out to a restaurant with a colleague than to eat alone with a book, feeling friendless, kwim?

Congrats on #4, and I wouldn't worry! Maybe you and the baby can join him for lunch sometime soon!

 

[taitai]

Heavens, no. I used to go out to lunch pretty much every day with male co-workers.

Taitai

 

[Renysmom]

I have lunch all the time with male co-workers.. My husband of 8 years thinks nothing of it. He has no reason to think its anything more than lunch and he trusts me... I don't care either if he eats with the women in his office.

 

[scrapquitler]

At the food court of the student union? To me, this doesn't seem like any different than if they were sitting in the break room togeter at a factory or office building.

And he TOLD you, so he's not hiding anything.

 

[NotUrsula]

No. Never would occur to me to think anything of it as long as they were not hiding the activity and were eating in a public place.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think people's reactions are based on their past experience and also what type of office/company they work for. I work for a NYC law firm and it happens all the time here (male/female coworkers lunching together, grabbing coffee, together). It's just the nature of the business and they work very long hours. Also there have been numerous times when male/female coworkers (or partners and female associates) have gone away on business for a case and they dine together. Again, if it's just the two of them in a strange city, I'm sure the female (whether boss or subordinate) would probably feel more comfortable with a male dining partner. Again, this is commonplace in my workplace, so no one thinks anything about it and I can honestly say I've NEVER seen it become anything other than professional.

 

[nessz79]

Honestly , It would make me uncomfortable. If I were you I would reassure your husband you trust him but it makes you uncomfortable so he needs to respect that. Going as a group is one thing but just the two of them wouldnt be alright with me. You are totally right to feel the way you do and that right there says because you do feel that way it shouldnt happen again. I'm sure it was harmless but you never know

Totally agree. Whether his intentions are right or not is not the point in my opinion. It's the fact that it makes you uncomfortable (and it would me, too, by the way) and therefore he should respect that.