Will u allow or not allow your child to go away to college?

[Granny square]

I agree. That is some nasty manipulation.

 

[Pigeon]

As the mom of two teens, the cost of college is frightening. I work at a large university. I went away to college and I certainly see the value. On the other hand, room and board at our state universities (where we plan to send our kids) is significantly more expensive than tuition.

Working with students on a daily basis, I see the mountain of debt many of them are accumulating. It's staggering, and it's no way to start adult life.

The OP says the student is studying physical therapy. If she wants to be a physical therapist, that also means a graduate program, typically a PhD program these days, that will also cost a small fortune.

I can understand why a parent would think that living at home and saving about $40,000 for a four year degree might be a smart thing to do if you also are thinking about the cost of grad school on top of everything.

We are encouraging our kids to think about both options and not automatically assume they have to go away. If they stay at home, we'll contribute the price of 4 years of room and board toward any graduate work they want to do. We'll also buy them a car, which we won't do if they go away to college. But ultimately, it's up to them.

 

[chimilady]

I have seen that done as well and I just wanted to say that I think this is low and underhanded and there are better ways of influencing your child's decision. I am all for paying what you can afford and not taking out extra in loans, but what these people do is deliberately undermine their children to maintain control.

I had one of those parents, which is why I moved out and did college the way I did. I have to say though, having manipulative parents really helped me break through and define who I was as an adult. I didn't go where I wanted to go, but I still managed to graduate from an ivy despite my parent's objections.

 

[Ranger111]

I'm a faculty member at a major university on the West Coast. On the board today as I twisted my knee ....

At any rate, I read the first several posts and agree wholeheartedly about sending children away to college. Best thing you can do -- IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT>

BUT -- don't be a "distance helicopter parent." Don't try to Skype daily. Don't call daily, don't text daily.....break the strings.

 

[amylevan]

If there is a perfectly good college, that suits your child's major, within commuting distance, and knowing that their major is going to require an advanced degree, why would you not encourage the child to commute? That is the financially smart choice. I would certainly not forbid my child from going away (they are 18 after all) but I can explain the facts.

Good grief people, living in a college dorm is not a necessity to become an adult. And yes I lived in a dorm more than 2 hrs from home, and yes I enjoyed my time, but I don't think it is the only route.

 

[chimilady]

If there is a perfectly good college, that suits your child's major, within commuting distance, and knowing that their major is going to require an advanced degree, why would you not encourage the child to commute? That is the financially smart choice. I would certainly not forbid my child from going away (they are 18 after all) but I can explain the facts.

I don't think anything is wrong with commuting. I didn't live in a dorm and I did fine. HOWEVER, I would only encourage them to stay local if the local college was a well respected college. Because despite what people say, it matters where you did your undergrad if you plan on going to grad school. People like to think it doesn't matter, but it does. I also work in higher ed. Goign to a community college to save money, to transfer to a state school to finish is not going to get you into a good med or vet school, and certainly not a good law school. If you're talking PhD, what matters is the department of the undergrad. So I wouldn't encourage her to go to an average local school if they had dreams of becoming a doctor or lawyer. I would encourage them to try to get into the best school she can afford and then go from there.

 

[mercydisney]

That is why, as your children get older, you ease into giving them more freedom while they are still home, so they can handle it when they get to college (or on their own).

You don't keep your children in a bubble and then one day, throw them out into the world, completely unprepared.

This is exactly what I believe. My friends daughter went away to college this year her daughter never wrote a check, never went to Dr. on her own, never pumped her own gas and the list goes on and on.

 

[Granny square]

I would say that community college to state or a good private will get you into most post grad programs. Because if you are able to complete the upper level classes then you are prepared for the post grad work. An "a" in organic chemistry shadows concerns of substandard preparation. Yes, I teach at a tier one liberal arts college that takes students from the county community college and has a good relationship with two med schools and One vet. We also have our own pa program.

Eta: preparing your kids for real life is vital and has nothing to do with where they attend college. It makes me crazy to receive emails from parents!

 

[chimilady]

I would say that community college to state or a good private will get you into most post grad programs. Because if you are able to complete the upper level classes then you are prepared for the post grad work. An "a" in organic chemistry shadows concerns of substandard preparation. Yes, I teach at a tier one liberal arts college that takes students from the county community college and has a good relationship with two med schools and I e vet. We also have our own pa program.

Well, having worked at a top tier med school and now at a top tier college, any community college on your record won't have you considered at a top tier med school. Maybe one in the carribean or overseas... The top tier med schools are crazy competitive, the state med schools are also crazy competitive because of the lower price. An "A" in Organic chemistry from a top tier school counts way more than an "A" in Organic chemistry from a community college. It's not all equal. Working in higher ed, you should know this, even though we like to convince kids (and their parents) it doesn't matter. It does. As for law school a good friend of mine graduated 4.0 from a community college and then from a well respected undergrad, and could not get into a top tier law school. This is with a ton of community service and other academic awards. He did eventually get into a law school, but the better the law school, the greater access to the high paying jobs, and after graduation he was without work for a while. If you are talking professional grad schools (Med, Vet, JD, MBAs though less so as they're being given out like candy these days) then where you choose an an undergrad matter.

 

[Granny square]

Lol, it must just be the trash med schools!

Really they let anyone into MBA and law school, too.

 

[disykat]

This is exactly what I believe. My friends daughter went away to college this year her daughter never wrote a check, never went to Dr. on her own, never pumped her own gas and the list goes on and on.

I agree it's good for kids to have some independent living skills before they go off to school, but your examples seem REALLY strange to me!

While my son has pumped gas before - are there very many teens who HAVE written checks or gone to the Dr. on their own? Even the pumping gas thing - it would be weird if you sent them off with a car and they didn't know how to pump gas, but how many freshman have cars? Why would they need to know if they don't? I grew up in a state where you couldn't pump your own gas and went to school in a state where you could - but not having a car, it was never an issue for me! Once I got a car, I figured it out.

My son (senior in high school) uses a debit card. He hasn't been sick in the last year or so, but the last time he went to the Dr. I went with him and waited in the waiting room in case he and the dr. needed to consult me regarding his medication.

My older son is in college and left home without doing those two things as well.

 

[lvillotta1]

My kids are still young,but they both have college accounts. I have chosen to send them to a public school K-12. My focus will be on their college education and having the means to pay for it. I am going to encourage them to go to a 2 year program do be a dental hygienist or something where they will haven debt,but a job that will pay well,excellent benefits etc. If they want to live out of my home then they will have to pay for that.

I will never understand why college kids are allowed to take out $50,000-150,000 in loans and will be financially trapped for the rest of their lives. Trying to buy a house,start a family and stay above water and not live paycheck to paycheck will be impossible. No way would I ever want my child in that position. For my children I want to be debt free coming out of college so they can provide for themselves,have a nice home and the basics of life and get on a budget from day 1. Most college grads can not find a job put of college. For those who do their salaries are so low they default on their loans or pay their loans,but have nothing left over.

Looking at the big picture is what parents need to be doing. I would never expect my kids to pay for all of their own college. Life is much different today than it was 30years ago.

 

[Granny square]

Everyone needs to do the best they can in their own situation. A kid who wants a philosophy degree, while gaining in education might not be wise to take out $50000 in loans. Not unusual in our school.

I think that people really need to give their kids the information they need to make sound financial decisions based on their own ability to pay off any loans they take out, careers they are considering, etc. in the end they have a lifetime to live with their choices.

 

[imsayin]

(heck, if she wins a scholarship she can even commute to an ivy league school in less than 15 minutes, so its not like she doesn't have good local choices...but that Ivy would require a BIG scholarship lol), but I'm not paying $8000 for her to live on campus when she can live at home for free. If she gets a full ride scholarship out of state...see ya! have fun.

FYI - the Ivy's do not give any scholarships. They do have great financial aid if you qualify.

 

[Granny square]

My kids are still young,but they both have college accounts. I have chosen to send them to a public school K-12. My focus will be on their college education and having the means to pay for it. I am going to encourage them to go to a 2 year program do be a dental hygienist or something where they will haven debt,but a job that will pay well,excellent benefits etc. If they want to live out of my home then they will have to pay for that.

I will never understand why college kids are allowed to take out $50,000-150,000 in loans and will be financially trapped for the rest of their lives. Trying to buy a house,start a family and stay above water and not live paycheck to paycheck will be impossible. No way would I ever want my child in that position. For my children I want to be debt free coming out of college so they can provide for themselves,have a nice home and the basics of life and get on a budget from day 1. Most college grads can not find a job put of college. For those who do their salaries are so low they default on their loans or pay their loans,but have nothing left over.

Looking at the big picture is what parents need to be doing. I would never expect my kids to pay for all of their own college. Life is much different today than it was 30years ago.

Where do you get your statistics? "Most" college grads do find jobs, many straight from internships or coops, college grads make more per capita, and pay their student loans. You couldn't buy a house on a hygienist salary in our state and housing costs here are lower than most.

Getting a good education can be done with planning. I can't imagine wanting so little for my kids. :/

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

There's some truth here. While the old saying about the guy who graduated last in his med school class still holds true, it DOES matter which school handed out that MD. Or JD. Just look at the clerkships for Supreme Court Justices and see where those students attend. Once you have a high-level federal clerkship under your belt and a JD from a first tier law school you'll have a job with a starting salary of about $175k and 15% raises each year thereafter for 7 years, until the time you make partner. Plus bonuses. Granted, you'll be working 60-80 hours a week for a few years but you can fund an IRA and set yourself up for life.

Getting a 4.0 at an Ivy, an upper echelon private, or your state's flagship public university will always place you in serious consideration for the graduate school program of your choice. However, if you can't afford these options, a 4 year degree from a commuter school is still a better option than not attending school at all. Unless you're pursuing a trade, in which case I urge you to run to your local community college or trade union and apply to be an apprentice.

Now... to answer the OP's question: I urged my children to go away to the best schools to which they were admitted. I had them tour college campuses all over the country. Had either of them decided to attend college locally, I would have insisted they live on campus. I valued the experience in my own life so much that I prioritized planning and saving for the costs before either of them were born.

Well, having worked at a top tier med school and now at a top tier college, any community college on your record won't have you considered at a top tier med school. Maybe one in the carribean or overseas... The top tier med schools are crazy competitive, the state med schools are also crazy competitive because of the lower price. An "A" in Organic chemistry from a top tier school counts way more than an "A" in Organic chemistry from a community college. It's not all equal. Working in higher ed, you should know this, even though we like to convince kids (and their parents) it doesn't matter. It does. As for law school a good friend of mine graduated 4.0 from a community college and then from a well respected undergrad, and could not get into a top tier law school. This is with a ton of community service and other academic awards. He did eventually get into a law school, but the better the law school, the greater access to the high paying jobs, and after graduation he was without work for a while. If you are talking professional grad schools (Med, Vet, JD, MBAs though less so as they're being given out like candy these days) then where you choose an an undergrad matter.

 

[eliza61]

My kids are still young,but they both have college accounts. I have chosen to send them to a public school K-12. My focus will be on their college education and having the means to pay for it. I am going to encourage them to go to a 2 year program do be a dental hygienist or something where they will haven debt,but a job that will pay well,excellent benefits etc. If they want to live out of my home then they will have to pay for that.

I will never understand why college kids are allowed to take out $50,000-150,000 in loans and will be financially trapped for the rest of their lives. Trying to buy a house,start a family and stay above water and not live paycheck to paycheck will be impossible. No way would I ever want my child in that position. For my children I want to be debt free coming out of college so they can provide for themselves,have a nice home and the basics of life and get on a budget from day 1. Most college grads can not find a job put of college. For those who do their salaries are so low they default on their loans or pay their loans,but have nothing left over.

Looking at the big picture is what parents need to be doing. I would never expect my kids to pay for all of their own college. Life is much different today than it was 30years ago.

LOL, talk about making assumptions.

As with every thing in life, there is no one size fits all. My neice just graduated from American University in Washington with a degree in Accounting. She has a very nice job in NYC working with a financial firm, yes she has debt about 35K but she is very much supporting herself, paying her bills and she's single so she's busy living her "Sex in the city" lifestyle so I doubt she's worrying about starting a family. LOL.

My cousin is finishing up at North Carolina A&T with an engineering degree, also has an entry level job lined up thanks to internship. He too will have about 28K in debt but he feels it was worth it.

Yes, life is different than 30 years but some things still hold. Talk to your kids, talk to them about their aspirations, give them an honest view of the financial situation and then decide together what their options could be.

 

[ctl]

Everyone has differing financial situations and differing child/parent relationships. If we take care of our own kids and stop interfering with other families choices then maybe the world would be a better place.

 

[BubMunkeyBles]

I would prefer for my children to move out and go to college. We will provide financially for them to do so. I think kids do better when choosing their own colleges.

No one is right or wrong in their feelings though. Everyone is different. My Dad had $100,000 in student loans for his MD. He paid them off in 5 years and makes a lot more than most people. Loans should be based on the income you can make with that degree in my opinion.

 

[MrsPete]

Couple observations, unconnected to one another:


- From a purely financial standpoint, commuting to a college minutes from home makes perfect sense; however, college is more than finances. My brother is fond of saying, Even communism looks good on paper.


- Yes, although an 18-year old is technically an adult (I say "technically" because the average 18-year old exhibits actual adult characteristics sporatically; it's more truthful to say that they're just embarking on adulthood), a parent CAN prevent him from going away to college. Unless the kid has more resources than the average student, he's going to need his parents' help. Even if he's looking at loans, he probably cannot borrow enough to go out of state to an expensive school without them as co-signers.

As such, speaking only for myself, if my daughter and I disagreed about whether College A or College B was the best fit for her, I would absolutely listen to WHY she wanted this or that . . . but I would not allow her, at a tender young age with no real adult experience, to make a mistake that could haunt her for decades to come. To put it more bluntly, I would not allow her to go head-over-heels in debt for "the dream school" if a lower-priced alternative existed.

I teach seniors, and at least half of them choose colleges for rather trivial reasons: A location near the beach, a Cookout restaurant within walking distance of the university, whether they allow freshmen to have cars on campus, to be able to room with a best friend /to attend school with a boyfriend. The worst I've ever heard was a kid who was literally going into debt to attend a certain school because they had great pool tables in the dorms. A friend of my daughter's was dead-set on attending a certain college because they had a "check-out desk" at which you could borrow an iPad or a video game system any time you wanted -- but when her mother sat her down and forced her to look at the numbers, she realized that for the price difference between that school and her second-choice school, she could buy 42 iPads . . . every semester. That opened her eyes, and she's now happily attending her second-choice school (and will be able to graduate debt-free). I know LOTS of students who choose colleges based upon reputations and ideas rather than cold, hard facts; in my experience, parents are more realistic about the actual pros and cons of various colleges.

The college decision must be made by the student AND the parents together. Both are going to be involved in the finances and the outcome, and failing to work together is the worst thing you can do for your child.


- Having said that, we did let our daughter go away to college. It was the college she wanted, and we could easily afford it without loans. I do believe that this is the ideal route for her (and for most students). She's immersed in her academics 24/7, and it shows: She's already excelling.

Several people have pointed out that "it's possible" to do well while communting, or whatever. Yeah, sure. It's also possible for an abused child to grow up to be a perfectly well-adjusted citizen. But I'm not trying to do what's possible for my child -- I'm trying to give her the best possible start in life, and I'm sure that the choices we've made together ARE the best start for her.


- The fearmongering about "kids who live in dorms do nothing but party -- better to keep them home" is misplaced. You know your kid. You know whether he's inclined to go wild or not. Be sure you're being truthful with yourself, and make the decision based upon the last 18 years' experience, not on fear.


- Finally, as for the mother in question. We don't know all of her reasons for saying that her daughter "can't" go away. It may be that finances are a logical, solid reason to say no, and she's spouting that rather than telling what else is going on. It may be that her daughter has given her cause to doubt that she's ready to go away. She may have a medical reason to keep her home. Or it may be something less reasonable: She may not want to face the empty house. You and I don't know.