Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

[Bluestars]

My parents never paid for my clothing after I turned 15. I got steady babysitting jobs. Maybe it's possible the niece can get the word out that she is available to babysit. She could probably even do some studying and homework if she gets some late night babysitting jobs.

It's shocking how well babysitters are paid now.

OP, I think it's great that you are helping out. I would do the same thing if one of my family members needed it.

 

[Swan4Me]

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GOODWILL OR SIMILAR RESOURCE. And sometimes people fall on hard times, doesn't mean they are unfit parents.

in my community-which requires uniforms for all schools Private and public-there ARE places where the poor can get uniforms for practically nothing-every city has a shelter,Goodwill, 2nd harvest- SOMTHING!!!

My MIL lives in a poor po-dunk town and her St Joseph's diner has a clothes place similar to Goodwill.....EVERY Friday is Two Buck friday....as many clothes you can fit in a brown grocery bag is $2


OP-I WISH you would come back and tell us what city these folks live in...I bet dollars to donuts there is a low cost clothing option near them

 

[Mouse House Mama]

in my community-which requires uniforms for all schools Private and public-there ARE places where the poor can get uniforms for practically nothing-every city has a shelter,Goodwill, 2nd harvest- SOMTHING!!!

My MIL lives in a poor po-dunk town and her St Joseph's diner has a clothes place similar to Goodwill.....EVERY Friday is Two Buck friday....as many clothes you can fit in a brown grocery bag is $2


OP-I WISH you would come back and tell us what city these folks live in...I bet dollars to donuts there is a low cost clothing option near them

I bolded because I just found it funny. "The poor"- I picture saying that with Muffy and Buffy at the country club.
There may be 200 Goodwills in town but maybe they don't want to shop in a 2nd hand shop. There is nothing wrong with doing so but there are plenty of people who skeeve it. Oh- and before anyone starts saying that she is a terrible Mother because she won't shop used has anyone even considered that maybe she talked about it with her child and they just decided to wait a few weeks to shop? Who knows? So many are acting like this is the crime of the century. The girl is going on to college and seems to have a good relationship with her family. I tend to believe that the Mom is doing a good job.

 

[dogluva]

Obviously, you don't understand the unemployment thing if you insist that you "don't understand" why a 17 year old can't find a job. You simply assume she's not looking.

Around here, a relatively affluent area even in these times, adults who have been laid off can't get fast food jobs, never mind the kids. There is no retail around here. I know 16 and 17 year olds who have been looking for part-time jobs for six months, and there's nothing around that works with their school and extracurricular activities (necessary to compete for merit aid in college). Or they can't get there - the parents work and the kids either don't have licenses or don't have cars.

Babysitting gigs aren't easy to get either (when parents are unemployed or underemployed, they don't get out much), nor can they be counted on for a steady income.

Judgmental much?

I guess if you say so, I must be.

 

[dogluva]

Neither would I.

God forbid. It might traumatize them for life.

 

[dogluva]

Okay, I will jump in here.
I see that some posts on here are getting picky and not going in the best direction!!!! This isn't about young students being put in a position of having to support themselves.

I realize that I have experienced a similar situation.
VERY similar.
I have a sister with 3 kids.
At this point, the situation is pretty darned bad...
The kids (two are now adult 18,20, and one teen) do not have adequate clothing, are not fed healthy, do not have jobs of any kind, at all.... are not being given opportunities to prepare them to become independent responsible adults.
(Just in comparison... which I know I really shouldn't compare... My son, just 14 now, has a sizeable savings account of his own by doing great neighborhood lawn work. Quite a bit of money! Okay, I know, braggin' a bit... but def. not taking the credit or claiming any superiority.)

The hard truth is that in most of these cases, people find themselves in these situations because they choose to keep finding themselves in these situations. They don't want to make the hard decisions necessary to live their lives in a way to insure better. They don't want to take ownership... They also don't want to feel 'judged'. (notice the judgement in the OP's post)

At one point, myself, and other siblings, have wanted to help... But have realized it is to no avail.

In her case, she (and her husband) have not stepped up, and have done without, and have not empowered themselves... AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HER CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED. It is a very well known thing... Learned Helplessness.

Any help that would come with conditions, strings, or judgement/opinion, just would not be accepted. Strict freebie handouts only. (Of course, those would ALWAYS be just a little too welcomed....)

I do not know the backstory in the OP's situation... But, something tells me that there is more than a simple 'hit some hard circumstances' going on???? something tells me that there is more to this than meets the eye. Especially since the OP has not been aware, and is suddenly 'surprised' by what she is seeing.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you... In my case, my neice and nephews are are young adults (one older teen) and I don't feel like there is really anything I would have been able to do to change where they are at. If your sister has not been forthcoming, and has not been trying to help herself, by possibly opening up to you and 'letting' you help her to help herself... there may not be a lot you can do.

I know how the situation feels. ( not good! )
But, you can't let yourself harbor any anger or judgment.
That just will not help.

I agree, one excuse after the other. Does she not have friends she could maybe get clothes from. Oh, wait. Wrong size.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I agree, one excuse after the other. Does she not have friends she could maybe get clothes from. Oh, wait. Wrong size.

They are just short pants! She doesn't have her parts hanging out and they are not ripped all over. They are just short! I think she will survive. They can't even be out of style since she only had the summer off. It's not like the clothes were from 20 years ago. They were from 2 months ago. I cannot even believe all the stuff people are accusing this Mom and child of. It is not the end of the world.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

shoot MM, I love thrift shops/consigment shops. Here in my area they do extremely well. Have gorgeous clothes and are always packed to the gills with shoppers.

Probably my only complaint is that I find the larger sizes 10/12/14 fly out of the store quickly.

Not to much stuff for men though.

Do you have a lot of "vintage" shops that have opened for women? Here they are popping up like mad. It is amazing what you can get. High quality well made clothes for a fraction of the cost.

I plan to do some "fall shopping" at them. Now I know they are "used clothes" however if I can get some things for a fraction of the cost then I can actually look decently dressed and not like a hobo.

I do agree that the Goodwill stores are not that great and frankly I hate to say this.....but they are "overpriced" and I am not joking.

 

[njcarita]

my 2 cents niece is a yr away from adulthood............she should be working...........especially if things are that tight....................but i dont know the whole particulars so they may be a reason why at 17 she chooses to wear tight small clothes instead of babysitting?? working at mcdys....icecream shop etc................... I think u are a wonderful aunt for helping........but i totally understand your sister for not asking for help............i would chew off my right arm before i asked for it myself........so dont get mad at her be proud of your sister for wanting to be responsible for herself and her family.......................

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

She might also already be babysitting, working at McDs etc and contributing that $ to the family.

 

[njcarita]

She might also already be babysitting, working at McDs etc and contributing that $ to the family.

well if thats the case.......kudos to the 17 year old for doing what needs to be done.............

 

[mrsklamc]

every city has a shelter,Goodwill, 2nd harvest- SOMTHING!!!

Not every city.

And contrary to popular belief, McDonald's is not always hiring. And if they are, the first question is whether you can provide your own transportation to work. If she lives in a rural area & mom works too, the answer is probably 'no.' Guess what- the manager doesn't read any farther than that.

It's just lovely how so many people are so sure that everyone's experiences & opportunities matched up with the ones they personally had or what they see in their community.

 

[Wishing on a star]

There are ALWAYS options....
Something seems amiss here.
I am right there with the 'dollars to donuts' comment above.
There have to be avenues and options.
One of which is turning to family, whether one is embarrassed or not.

And, to those who are flaming/judging me and making negative assumptions about me.
Flame away....
I stand by my assessment of the situation.

And, I will repeat, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.
Def. NOT muffy and buffy at the country club.
So, don't bother throwing comments like that my way, and highjacking the thread.

This is not, 'darn, we need to get some longer pants'....
Something is amiss here.
The fact that the sister, who has been quite open in the past, seems to be retreating and hiding something also jumps out at me.
I am quite sure the 'highwaters' comments were just a quick illustration of the basic fact that the girl needs adequate clothing.
She also seems to need a winter coat, etc...

I think that this is what is really bothering the OP...
The sister pulling back and not being as open and forthcoming must feel kind of like rejection.
(Maybe because there is some judgement showing, or maybe not... we don't know.)

I continue to stand by every word in my prev. post.

OP, You can def. help by making gifts of necessary items...
But, really, that is all you can do.
You can NOT expect to really involve yourself in your sister's situation in any way at all.

Your heart really is in the right place!!!

 

[mrsklamc]

There are ALWAYS options....
Something seems amiss here.
I am right there with the 'dollars to donuts' comment above.
There have to be avenues and options.


And, I will repeat, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.
Def. NOT muffy and buffy at the country club.
So, don't bother throwing comments like that my way, and highjacking the thread.

You cannot say you have been there and done that when you have not the first clue where 'there' and 'that' are. Just because there have ALWAYS been options in YOUR experience does not mean that there are always options.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

There are ALWAYS options....
Something seems amiss here.
I am right there with the 'dollars to donuts' comment above.
There have to be avenues and options.
One of which is turning to family, whether one is embarrassed or not.

And, to those who are flaming/judging me and making negative assumptions about me.
Flame away....
I stand by my assessment of the situation.

And, I will repeat, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.
Def. NOT muffy and buffy at the country club.
So, don't bother throwing comments like that my way, and highjacking the thread.

This is not, 'darn, we need to get some longer pants'....
Something is amiss here.
The fact that the sister, who has been quite open in the past, seems to be retreating and hiding something also jumps out at me.
I am quite sure the 'highwaters' comments were just a quick illustration of the basic fact that the girl needs adequate clothing.
She also seems to need a winter coat, etc...

I think that this is what is really bothering the OP...
The sister pulling back and not being as open and forthcoming must feel kind of like rejection.
(Maybe because there is some judgement showing, or maybe not... we don't know.)

I continue to stand by every word in my prev. post.

OP, You can def. help by making gifts of necessary items...
But, really, that is all you can do.
You can NOT expect to really involve yourself in your sister's situation in any way at all.

Your heart really is in the right place!!!

I am really going to try and say this in the kindest way possible. YOU cannot know the answer to this whole situation based on a post on the internet. Nor can ANYBODY. You can stand by your asessment and that is great but again, you have a few paragraphs from a stranger. I realize that your life experiences color your view - as they do for everyone- but just because you had that experience doesn't mean that all things are the same. That is the beauty of this world. We each get our own experiences.

It was nice of the OP to help out. What would have been nicer imo would have been if the OP did help out and then didn't run and post about it on the internet. I don't care that the sister "won't read here" etc. It just screams to me why the sister probably didn't want to ask for help. If it was my relative I would have been very hurt and angry that they posted my business.

Oh- and as far as my country club comment "hijacking" this thread... I don't even see how that makes sense but okay.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You cannot say you have been there and done that when you have not the first clue where 'there' and 'that' are. Just because there have ALWAYS been options in YOUR experience does not mean that there are always options.

EXACTLY!

 

[DisneyDreamingGirl]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

OP, you are a great sister and aunt. Your family seems very close. Most families don't provide all of the help and support that your family has supplied to each other.

Your sister probably hasn't asked for help because she is embarrassed and she probably doesn't want to bother anyone.

I know that a lot of people are going after you for being judgmental, but your not. Your only upset because your sister isn't asking for help, which you will gladly supply...

You sound like a great person and I am glad that there are people like you in the world!

I worked a full time job in high school. I know how it is.

My niece doesn't have a job because she had to babysit the younger kids all summer. She just got her license and is currently looking for a job. They live in the middle of nowhere, closest neighbor is a field or two away. Walking wasn't an option.

For those saying that the mother can always go to a Goodwill or other stores like that, please go through this thread. OP stated that they live in the middle of nowhere, which means there aren't going to be a lot of stores nearby. I know people who just got a Walmart in their town and it is the only big name store nearby....

And it is pretty hard to get jobs nowadays, but it is especially hard for a student. They have all of the school work they have to deal with, and it can be very ridiculous for some people. It's hard to hold a job as a student that has suitable hours... And living in the middle of nowhere doesn't supply people with a lot of options...

And for people saying that the mother isn't a good parent because she can't buy an $10 pair of pants for her daughter, you have to realize that she has more kids than just the 17 year old... Again, read the whole thread...

Everyone will have financial issues at one point or another... OP has great intentions and you are all tearing her family down...
Stop being so rude and judgmental!!!

 

[luvmy3]

Everyone will have financial issues at one point or another... OP has great intentions and you are all tearing her down...
Stop being so rude and judgmental!!!

Tearing her down? Where is that?

 

[DisneyDreamingGirl]

Tearing her down? Where is that?

Sorry I meant to have family there.... I just put it in so no one else will get confused... I guess that's what happens when you don't read stuff over

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Obviously, you don't understand the unemployment thing if you insist that you "don't understand" why a 17 year old can't find a job. You simply assume she's not looking.

Around here, a relatively affluent area even in these times, adults who have been laid off can't get fast food jobs, never mind the kids. There is no retail around here. I know 16 and 17 year olds who have been looking for part-time jobs for six months, and there's nothing around that works with their school and extracurricular activities (necessary to compete for merit aid in college). Or they can't get there - the parents work and the kids either don't have licenses or don't have cars.

Babysitting gigs aren't easy to get either (when parents are unemployed or underemployed, they don't get out much), nor can they be counted on for a steady income.

Judgmental much?

Totally agree.......jobs are HARD to come by around here!!!!

My 19 year old son was home from college and could find NOTHING!!!

He seemed to do all the "right" things. Was home for spring break and picked up and filled out 20+ applications (some on-line as well)

When he came home a month later for Easter weekend, he made follow up personal appearances at the majority of the places.

He was home for good in mid May and his job hunting went into high gear. He again returned to all of the places in person.....made phone calls.....everything he (and we, his parents) could think of.

He still had NO JOB........

Basically he would have had no summer job, something as a college student he desparetly needed! However, my niece, aware of his job search, talked to her boss and got him a job bussing tables on the weekends where she worked. A co-worker of my brothers up and quit on a Thursday morning in mid June. My brother called and asked if my son could be there that afternoon for an interview. He went and started work the very next day. It was a M-F job from 7:00- 3:30. It was awesome!!!! Additionally my Mom hired my son to scrape and paint her house.

EVERY job he got was because of family and some luck. He never did get any offers from all the places he had applied to.

He was very, very lucky the way things worked out. However, if it wasnt for family, his lack of work wasnt from lack of effort, it was from lack of jobs out there.

Not everyone can get a job just because they desire one!!!!!