Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

[worm761]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

 

[MickeySP]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

First my bolding.

It is probably she is embarassed. She used to be the giver, the helper, the rescuer, it is traumatic to find yourself in the reverse role.

Oh and you are great sister & aunt

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Does she have "Platos Closet" in her area? That is where I take my girls shopping now. Yes the clothes are "used" however you can get good well made jeans and tops for an 1/8 of the cost that are the "in" designer labels.

I would suggest a gift card there if one is near her.

http://www.platoscloset.com/locations#us

 

[mickeysgal]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

Maybe since she's asked before, she doesn't want to ask again and would rather stand on her own two feet.

You're kind to be helping. I'm not saying this to you in particular of course, but so many help then sit back and throw it back in the recipient's face about how much help they've given the other. They never let them forget it. Or then they feel they can judge the other's lifestyle at that point since they've been involved by financally helping out. I get why some people just want to be left alone and deal with their own issues.

 

[auntie]

Maybe because she doesn't want her personal financial situation discussed by strangers on the internet? I'm just sayin'.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I were having financial difficulties, I would find it very difficult to ask for help.

I'd probably just trim my budget down to bare bones and work 90 hours per week.

 

[jen0610]

My older sister is apparently financially strapped. I found out the other day that her 17 year old daughter is wearing clothing that doesn't fit. Her school pants are high waters, no jeans that fit. She didn't buy her any new school clothes. Niece wears a uniform to school.

I just don't get it. If she needed someone to help, why didn't she ask? It isn't like we haven't helped her out before. And this is the sister that took me in when I had nowhere to go when I left my ex. Of all of my siblings, I owe her. We aren't rich or even close to it but we can help if needed.

I Facebooked with Niece and ordered her school pants. She got them last night so now she has school clothes that fit and are in style. High school can be really rough, especially if your are that kid. My other sister is going to buy her some clothing for outside of school.

I talked to my older sister and niece is going to need a new winter coat too. I am very thankful that I thought to ask and that she was honest with me. I plan to buy niece a new winter coat but want to buy her a really good one so it will last a few winters since she is moving off to college next summer. But at least now I can budget for it.

Sorry, vent over.

Pride could be a piece of it.

Ashamed could be a piece of it.

It can be so very hard to ask for the help that you desperately need and KNOW that you need.

Years ago, we had a friend from work going thru a bad divorce. Two of us were friends with her outside of work and knew from being in the house what their pantry looked like. We also knew that if we offered her money, she would have said no.

We didn't give her that option. We went grocery shopping, dropped it off on the porch, knocked on the door (we knew she was home), then ran like the wind to get out of sight. She "knew" who did it, but we still to this day deny knowing what the heck she is talking about.

 

[Hannathy]

It is very hard to ask even or maybe even more so to family, you feel like a failure. It is very nice that you are helping.


Wanted to suggest that for the coat you think about a pea coat. I got my DD one from Lands End in black and she has really worn it, and the quality is there to last years. It fits in at college (most of the kids had them) and she can wear it if she needs to wear it with a dress. It will age well with your niece-good for older teen and young adult.

 

[worm761]

Pride could be a piece of it.

We didn't give her that option. We went grocery shopping, dropped it off on the porch, knocked on the door (we knew she was home), then ran like the wind to get out of sight. She "knew" who did it, but we still to this day deny knowing what the heck she is talking about.

That is basically what I did. She found out that I knew when the pants arrived at her house.

I would never judge her finances or how she chooses to spend what she has left. I have never thrown any help that I have given in her face. I have helped both of my sisters at some point. They have both helped me at some point too. It is what you do for family. I don't ask for anything in return. I just can't see letting your kids go without because you don't want to ask.

 

[worm761]

Does she have "Platos Closet" in her area? That is where I take my girls shopping now. Yes the clothes are "used" however you can get good well made jeans and tops for an 1/8 of the cost that are the "in" designer labels.

I would suggest a gift card there if one is near her.

http://www.platoscloset.com/locations#us

No Plato's Closet in their area that I am aware of. My other sister has a coupon for $20 off $40 at Rue 21 and has a teen girl that can help her get the "cool" stuff. This sister knows how to pinch a penny until it bleeds so she will be getting her those clothes. I also sent her a gift card to get Niece some school supplies so she has what she needs. Then she will send it all up there.

Thinking maybe I should pick up a gift card for some groceries and mail it to her. It would help her out some and maybe relieve some of the stress.

 

[eliza61]

Could also be they know how judgemental people are. Go over to the budget board one time and here how many people talk about relatives on public assistance like dogs.

I find as a whole very general, we are not sympathetic to folks fallen on hard times. They are often portrayed as "lazy, wanting the goverment to take care of them, trying to game the system and if they only cut back they could make it". and this is from supposedly friends and family members.

Would you be quick to open yourself up to ridicule like that?

 

[eliza61]

Does she have "Platos Closet" in her area? That is where I take my girls shopping now. Yes the clothes are "used" however you can get good well made jeans and tops for an 1/8 of the cost that are the "in" designer labels.

I would suggest a gift card there if one is near her.

http://www.platoscloset.com/locations#us

shoot MM, I love thrift shops/consigment shops. Here in my area they do extremely well. Have gorgeous clothes and are always packed to the gills with shoppers.

Probably my only complaint is that I find the larger sizes 10/12/14 fly out of the store quickly.

Not to much stuff for men though.

 

[Andtototoo]

Could also be they know how judgemental people are. Go over to the budget board one time and here how many people talk about relatives on public assistance like dogs.

I find as a whole very general, we are not sympathetic to folks fallen on hard times. They are often portrayed as "lazy, wanting the goverment to take care of them, trying to game the system and if they only cut back they could make it". and this is from supposedly friends and family members.

Would you be quick to open yourself up to ridicule like that?

ITA.

Years ago, my dh and I were both laid off from our jobs shortly after we'd bought a house. There were not only no jobs to be had in our field, we couldn't even get fast food jobs. Even being extremely careful, we ran through our savings and were in financial trouble. When we asked our family for a little bit of help, we didn't get it. Instead, what we got were nasty diatribes about how we must have "done something to deserve being laid off." (The fact that our employers laid off tons of people because the economy was in the toilet was irrelevant, you see. If we'd been "good" employees, we would have "naturally" been kept on. Because only "bad" employees get the pink slip in a lay off.) And if we'd been "smart", we wouldn't have bought our house. Our very modest 1000' house that we'd saved for 7 years and had a 25% downpayment on. Yeah, somehow that little house was an "extravagance that you're now paying for" -- all said by people living in 5000 sq foot homes driving huge SUVs and with boats in the garage and designer purses on their arms. Years later, we are long since recovered financially (with no one's help, mind you) and that time still gets thrown in our face. Believe me, we both wish we'd never swallowed our pride and asked for help.

So I'd have to truly be starving before I'd ever ask for help again.

 

[mefordis]

It was nice of you to help.

Just curious, how is her daughter off to college in fall when the mom can't afford pants?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

I agree, shame, embarrassment, not wanting to be judged, lots of reasons...

But I think if my teen daughter had to go to school in clothes that don't fit, I'd figure something out really quickly.

As others have mentioned, there are ways of getting decent, fashionable clothes cheaply. WalMart has cute clothes which are often on clearance for under $5. Not "designer", but surely better than clothes that don't fit. Thrift and consignment stores are great, too.

It's nice of you to help out, OP.

 

[Robinrs]

First my bolding.

It is probably she is embarassed. She used to be the giver, the helper, the rescuer, it is traumatic to find yourself in the reverse role.

Oh and you are great sister & aunt

Maybe because she doesn't want her personal financial situation discussed by strangers on the internet? I'm just sayin'.

For Christ's sake, how can she identify herself in that post??

 

[mickeysgal]

It was nice of you to help.

Just curious, how is her daughter off to college in fall when the mom can't afford pants?

Totally guessing, but I imagine loans and/or financial aid.

 

[Handbag Lady]

If the niece is going off to college next year, you might want to think also about senior year expenses. Senior photos and Prom alone are pricey.

For Prom, there are a few things you can do to help get a nice dress, and one of those is hitting the after-Christmas party dress sales in January.

 

[auntie]

For Christ's sake, how can she identify herself in that post??

Very often our relatives are aware of what sites we post regulary on. My family knows I'm a Disboard member. While they may not participate in the Disboard forums, I am aware that they do occasionally read the various forums.
The OP has over 5,000 posts, I think it's safe to assume that she may have discussed her participation in a forum with her sister at one point or another. It's something to be mindful of, that's all I'm saying.
Sorry, if that upset you. Just my opinion, and we all know what that's worth.

 

[Robinrs]

Very often our relatives are aware of what sites we post regulary on. My family knows I'm a Disboard member. While they may not participate in the Disboard forums, I am aware that they do occasionally read the various forums.
The OP has over 5,000 posts, I think it's safe to assume that she may have discussed her participation in a forum with her sister at one point or another. It's something to be mindful of, that's all I'm saying.
Sorry, if that upset you. Just my opinion, and we all know what that's worth.

No, you didn't upset me at all but I have heard this before. The Comm Bd is a venting place, and most of us are incognito. No one in my family reads it anymore, my SO and my son USED to but they tired of it. I think the OP came here out of concern, she wasn't just gossiping like some people here do, and I'm glad she at least had a way to help her out.

backatcha!