Why is there often animosity between DILs and MILs?

[DisneyBeagle]

We have all seen threads on the DIS about daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law complaining or commenting about each other. In your experience, what is the reason that there is often animosity between MILs and DILs?

 

[luvmy3]

I think maybe its because sometimes a Mother feels that their ds is so special that nobody is good enough for him, and that is refelected in the way she treats her DIL.
Sometimes you have a controlling wife who doesn't want his dh too close to her mother, and her behavior toward her MIL reflects that. Or the opposite, you have a controling mother who can't handle someone else taking care of her ds.

I am lucky, I adored my MIL (she passed away a few years ago) and I adore my dh's step mom.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

MILs don't like to be replaced and DILs don't like to be second fiddle in their husband's lives.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I wish this was the case in my marriage. My Mom and my wife band together to make sure I keep my butt in gear.

 

[anniemae]

The ultimate power struggle. Both want to be #1 in the man's life.

 

[need2cruise]

Animosty? Is that what it's called? Whew, I'm glad there is some emotion then to what this is called....because for awhile, I was beginning to feel like maybe I was invisible and only dh could see and hear me!

 

[AKL_Megs]

Animosty? Is that what it's called? Whew, I'm glad there is some emotion then to what this is called....because for awhile, I was beginning to feel like maybe I was invisible and only dh could see and hear me!

I second this notion! Do I exist at all? I'm sure I will when grandkids come...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Because people have issues and their personalities clash.

For example.....

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

PLUS

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

EQUALS DISASTER.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078

 

[disney11fan]

mils don't like to be replaced and dils don't like to be second fiddle in their husband's lives.

don't know of any family that has mil or dil problem.
Everyone in my family gets along. Even brothers and sisters and anything else you can think of.

 

[PRmamiDEdos]

I think maybe its because sometimes a Mother feels that their ds is so special that nobody is good enough for him, and that is refelected in the way she treats her DIL.

This

MILs don't like to be replaced and DILs don't like to be second fiddle in their husband's lives.

and this.


I DID NOT like MIL at first. I think once I accepted the fact that he will always ask her opinion even if I've already given mine and she accepted the fact that I'm actually doing a good job of taking care of him and she doesn't need to worry anymore, we got over it and we're actually pretty good friends now! It has to come from both sides, I will say that.

 

[KAMLEM]

I really don't know, I have the sweetest MIL you could ever ask for.

 

[ccgirl]

I second this notion! Do I exist at all? I'm sure I will when grandkids come...

Don't hold your breath on that one. Apparently, I can't take care of my DH correctly after 20+ years and I REALLY can't take care of my children correctly.

I hold no animosity though. I am very used to it though.

I always reminded myself that she was first and although a time may come where I am not his DW (God I hope not)...she will ALWAYS be his mother.

I had my MiL walk down the aisle at my wedding to "The Wedding Song." You know, the one that says a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home. This is the same woman that tried to make my wedding about her because she was the mother of the groom. Even tried to get her hair done before me. Thank God the sylist put her in her place. When it came time to walk, she stood there until they got to a part she liked. Even interrupted the DJ so she and her DH could have a special dance. I chalk it up to the fact that she was so young when she had him and doesn't know what life is like without him. One Christmas, we were decorating our Christmas tree. She called crying because she had to decorate hers alone. She wanted him to stop decorating our tree and go decorate hers right away. Only him. He told her he would be more than happy to come over when he was done but he would bring the entire family as we are his family. I was so happy he said that. She still pulls stunts like that. Luckily, he never falls for them. My BiL does all the time and it really affects their marriage negatively. Sorry...a bit OT there. Vent over.

 

[monorailsilver]

I wish I had a close relationship with my IL's since they live (lived since FIL just died) 10 min from me where as my parents are an hour from me.

I never bonded with my MIL when I was dating my dh. She isn't one to talk & if she ever did, my FIL would always ruin the conversation & a budinsky & his way was the right way attitude.

I remember showing my MIL a picture of my wedding dress. I got a not & a "that is nice." Nothing else.

She is a nice lady but not someone I would say "Let's go out to lunch" with.

 

[KimR]

Don't hold your breath on that one. Apparently, I can't take care of my DH correctly after 20+ years and I REALLY can't take care of my children correctly.

Yup. My MIL was apparently the perfect mother and just because I do things differently that means I am WRONG.

My MIL actually called the minister who married us prior to the wedding to complain about me. I have no idea what she hoped to accomplish by that phone call; did she seriously think she could convince him not to marry us?

Although to her credit, we have both decided to make a committment to get along with one another for the sake of DH and the kids. She has been very gracious despite the fact that it has to be hard for her because I am so NOT the type of woman she wanted for her son.

 

[disney11fan]

Our entire family gets along. Brother and sister on both sides including all the ones that are married . Big family and everyone likes one another.

To get along

just make sure there all yankee fans... That helps

last line was a joke.

 

[dismom2]

My MIL told me I was "taking her favorite son away from her" when I first met her.

I really did not know her very well when I married her son, as we both lived across the country from her when we met and dated. I usually get along well with people's parents, and it bothered me that she didn't like to welcome any newcomers into her little circle. At first, it upset me, but then all the other IL's told me she treats all of them this way, so I knew it wasn't me.

She told all her DIL's and SIL's that her obligation and loyalty is to her children only, since they are her blood. Spouses are 'outsiders' to her. As you can imagine, this has caused problems between her and all her IL's because of the way she treats them as intruders.

I don't understand this, as my parents treat my DH like he is their son. He (and all the spouses of my siblings) are treated as full family members, and they love them and treat them as such.

Some people have wonderful in-law's, but some of us just end up with the ones who have personal issues of some sort. She's a very controlling woman, and I've discovered that she' just not very nice to people who are not related to her.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

This may be a bit OT here but why do so many women refer to it as "taking care" of their husbands. Shouldn't he be able to take care of himself? The way I see it if the MIL did her job right there would be no need for the DIL to take over for her. Right? Problem solved. I am trying to make sure my sons are as self sufficient as possible so any future DIL's don't feel the need to "take care" of them. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[KimR]

This may be a bit OT here but why do so many women refer to it as "taking care" of their husbands. Shouldn't he be able to take care of himself? The way I see it if the MIL did her job right there would be no need for the DIL to take over for her. Right? Problem solved. I am trying to make sure my sons are as self sufficient as possible so any future DIL's don't feel the need to "take care" of them. Just my 2 cents worth.

Because I think that is how many MILs see it. Mine thinks I should be cooking for him, doing his laundry, ironing, keeping the house clean, and making his home a 'little piece of paradise' so he can relax when he comes home from work. Nevermind that I have a fulltime job too.

 

[AKL_Megs]

This may be a bit OT here but why do so many women refer to it as "taking care" of their husbands. Shouldn't he be able to take care of himself? The way I see it if the MIL did her job right there would be no need for the DIL to take over for her. Right? Problem solved. I am trying to make sure my sons are as self sufficient as possible so any future DIL's don't feel the need to "take care" of them. Just my 2 cents worth.

Don't you cook for your husband? Comfort him when he is sick? Take care of other "wifely" duties? ALL of these things SHE did for him as he was growing up.

Of course HE can do them, but usually the WIFE takes over these duties when a man marries. It doesn't sit well with the above mentioned mothers.

 

[Carly_Roach]

We have all seen threads on the DIS about daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law complaining or commenting about each other. In your experience, what is the reason that there is often animosity between MILs and DILs?

It all depends on each woman's tolerance level for drama. My MIL has a low tolerance level for melodrama and I happily share the same page with her. There are things she does that I don't like, and there are things I do that she doesn't like. We simply agree to not discuss those things OR to do them while we're in each other's houses. We established boundaries right away and, so far, it's kept the peace in both of our families.

My DH's SIL, OTOH, that's another story. High-drama, high-maintenance, Persian Cat syndrome. MIL and SIL barely tolerate each other and I prefer to not be around her, either.