Why does it bother me so?

[pilotwife_02]

I get what everyone is saying. And DW and I have had "date" nights here and there.

I guess I'm just hoping there is nothing really sinister underlying their sudden change. Like I said they used to have their kids around, and now, out of the blue, they've had this change where they think their kids should be called Damien!

Maybe it's a midlife crisis in their 30's, or nothing at all. I just don't want to find out that they are suddenly resenting having children or anything.

I can understand that. Perhaps, and not to make assumptions, but maybe they were starting to have problems in their marriage and realized they needed more "couple" time. So they are making their marriage a priority by getting babysitters more and going out on dates more. Just something to think about, there could always be something deeper that others don't realize or see. Might not be sinister, it might be that they are actually working on something but aren't comfortable sharing it with others.

 

[robinb]

Do they have family nearby? Do you? That may actually be the difference between you. I know people who have family nearby and they do more things without their kids because they have built-in baby sitters. I have no family nearby and we do everything with my DD, including international travel at a young age.

 

[Scurvy]

I guess it's just disappointing to me, because they've always talked about "family" this and "family" that, but when push comes to shove, it doesn't seem like they want a family at all.

Holy giant leap, Batman! You're getting this from the fact that they want to have a weekly dinner away from their kids and they want to take an adults-only vacation? What sort of things do they say that make you think they feel the kids are the worst behaved kids in history? Unless they are saying really horrible things, I think you are massively overreacting.

My husband, son and I enjoy spending time together. The vast majority of things we do, we do as a family. The three of us even spend a while almost every evening eating dinner together and then watching television or playing games. But my husband and I also like to do things with other adults, or go places just as a couple. We go on vacations without our son a couple of times a year. (Of course, we go on trips with him several times each year, as well.) The fact that we enjoy doing things as a couple or with other adults doesn't mean we don't want a family. It's normal for parents to spend time away from their kids even when they don't have to, especially when there are grandparents involved who want to spend time with the kids.

As for the sudden change, there could be a very simple explanation for that. Maybe the kids were young enough that they didn't feel as comfortable being away from them before, but now they do. Or maybe the kids were young enough to just go along for the ride before and now they are old enough to have their own preferences, and the parents now find it more enjoyable to focus on the kids some of the time and themselves other times, rather than dragging the kids along to do things they might not really enjoy. Or as others have mentioned, maybe they realized they weren't focusing enough on their marriage and they are trying to rectify that now.

You seem to think less of them because they don't want to spend every minute with their kids. Maybe they think you and your spouse are weird - or aren't a very strong couple - because you don't want to do things without your kids. Or maybe they don't think about it at all. They are doing what works for their family, and you are doing what works for your family. That should be all that matters. If you don't want to be around people who are so different than you then maybe it's time to back away from the friendship. Otherwise, you need to learn to accept them the way they are and only accept their invitations when kids are included if you aren't willing to be away from your kids.

Just because they don't take the kids with them everywhere anymore, doesn't mean they don't want a family "at all". That is your opinion on how YOU think a family should be. Maybe they need time away from the kids right now to reconnect. Couples go through down times and maybe they are in one. Maybe not, maybe they just want to be adults instead of catering to their kids every second of every day too. There's nothing wrong with that either.

 

[eeyoremum]

OP It always upsets me when parents speak ill of their children. My standard answer to how are the kids is AWESOME!

Also, OP I think I am one of the few who will agree with you regarding evenings out and vacations. I can count on one hand the number of times my children have been left with a sitter so we could go out. If we both had to work the similar hours (which rarely happened) they would stay with a grandparent.

We are given the gift of our children for a very short time and I plan to make the most of every minute.

 

[jrmasm]

Why do some people think it's a badge of honor to never leave their children???

People! It's about balance.

 

[Planogirl]

I wish that more people would be willing to leave their kids occasionally around here. It's become impossible to even go to a bar without kids running and playing in the place and I personally don't think that's the place for them.

I agree, it's all about balance.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Why do some people think it's a badge of honor to never leave their children???

People! It's about balance.

I don't think it's a badge of honor. I enjoy my children and want them to experience what I experience. I've also already stated that DW and I do have our "date" nights. They're just not every week.

As I've stated I'm more concerned with the change that has occurred in our friends regarding the way they perceive their children. I'm just wondering if they're just becoming lazy. They are both young enough to do things, but have now even started relying on family members to mow the lawn, garden, paint the house, etc.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think you are reading too much into it.

To be honest, I haven't used sitters all that much--b/c they cost money and they've been a pain to find.

But I've gotten more comfortable with hiring them and yes, often I am glad to hand over my little satan's.

Okay--they are not really Satan....

but seriously, unless you are in their home...it is difficult to judge the behavior of kids.

My kids are like I was when I was younger--mysteriously pretty much well behaved in public....and Damien at home.

I have to say--that some of your comments are a bit disturbing as they seem to be assuming much and your idea of ideal parenting is coming through as very harshly critical.

If they are truly as great of friends as you say they are, and have concern--I'd be asking them about it....not making assumptions.

My DH are young enough to do things--but we don't like mowing the lawn --and I'm allergic to grass anyway.

Perhaps they have come into some money or something--and it has now freed up their time b/c they can hire out for things they had to formerly do on their own.

I don't know you--but it is as though....instead of being jealous of what they can do, you are turning it into a character flaw with them.

I don't know--can't put my finger on it--but something isn't right about your judgement of them. Since they aren't hear to speak for themselves--all we have to go on is what you say. And the way you are painting them--is not putting you in the best light.

(I hope I said that softly enough, I don't intend to offend you.)

 

[Tinkermommy]

Addiing my 2 cents.

I think it is a balance. We tend to do a lot with our two children as a family. We really enjoy spending time with them.

That said, it is nice to get away and be an adult couple and do adult things together. We have taken weekend trips to a cute little Inn we love and have left the kids with my parents. We do this about 3 times a year.

I cannot imagine leaving my two and going on a two week vacation without them! For me, vacations are about family. Long weekends with my hubby are great although half the time we are talking about how great our kids are! I think I would miss them too much on a long trip.

You have observed that this is a change from their past behavior which does lead me to agree with a pp that something has changed for them. I would try not to judge them too harshly.

And I hear you guys on the kids at home syndrome! We get compliments on our kids all the time. My DS is 3 and looks like an angel. And he is about 80% of the time, but that 20% is .

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Perhaps they have come into some money or something--and it has now freed up their time b/c they can hire out for things they had to formerly do on their own.

Respectfully snipped.

See, this is why I love the Dis. Now that you mention it, they actually have been struggling recently. The Mom is basically working 2 jobs, and the Dad is struggling through budget/salary problems with his job.

Now that you bring up the money thing, as well as others bringing up the possible marital problems thing, maybe that is part of it. We all know what financial problems can do as far as straining relationships. So maybe they are trying to ensure things don't get too out of control.

People don't like to talk finances, so it wouldn't surprise me if they haven't been completely open about it. That stress could also leave them a little stressed with their kids, too, making things that seem like a small deal to us, seem like big deal to them.

I love new perspectives, and that's why I was running this by everyone here. Extra brains always help.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Respectfully snipped.

See, this is why I love the Dis. Now that you mention it, they actually have been struggling recently. The Mom is basically working 2 jobs, and the Dad is struggling through budget/salary problems with his job.

Now that you bring up the money thing, as well as others bringing up the possible marital problems thing, maybe that is part of it. We all know what financial problems can do as far as straining relationships. So maybe they are trying to ensure things don't get too out of control.

People don't like to talk finances, so it wouldn't surprise me if they haven't been completely open about it. That stress could also leave them a little stressed with their kids, too, making things that seem like a small deal to us, seem like big deal to them.

I love new perspectives, and that's why I was running this by everyone here. Extra brains always help.

No worries!

Though it presents another puzzle piece. I had presumed they had money to do things and now when I read this post, it seems that they don't. To me that is even weirder than leaving the kids.

But in any case--if they don't have the time or energy to do things, it could explain relying on the help of others quite a bit. As well as the need to escape the kids.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Why do some people think it's a badge of honor to never leave their children???

People! It's about balance.

Badge of honor? Where do you see that?

OP, I'm thinking either they've met another couple whose lifestyle has influenced them or they're trying to work on their marriage.

We do everything with our children. We do go out occassionally, but only when a family member can babysit and that ends up being maybe twice a year.

We wouldn't dream of going on a vacation without the kids. Possibly a weekend, but we would just make it a together time type deal or an adults only type activity (casino?) because I'd hate that my kids would be missing out on something fun.

We can't afford to go on multiple vacations a year. We go on one small one and one larger one, if we're lucky. Some years we don't get one at all. That's a big reason why I wouldn't go on one without the kids.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

No worries!

Though it presents another puzzle piece. I had presumed they had money to do things and now when I read this post, it seems that they don't. To me that is even weirder than leaving the kids.

But in any case--if they don't have the time or energy to do things, it could explain relying on the help of others quite a bit. As well as the need to escape the kids.

They really do overextend themselves in the money department, and they constantly tell us about it, too. "We really shouldn't have bought this, but had to," or, "I was off from work this week and did a little too much internet shopping." The California trip is something they've been saving for, and that is really the only vacation they're taking this year. The trip we normally take with all of us and all the kids has been canceled for this year.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

OP I get what you're saying.

We hardly ever go anywhere without our kids. If we want to go out to dinner,the kids come with us. We want a vacation,we plan one the whole family will enjoy. Friends are doing something at their house and they've invited us,then the kids are coming along and if it isn't kid friendly then we don't go.

We do have date nights but it sure isn't once a week. Our next one is planned for August 2nd because DH is deployed right now but honestly they don't occur with any regularity even when he's home all the time.

The way we see it is---we had the kids--they're ours to take care of. They're not there for us to foist off onto others.

We had a neighbor who had a little girl and that poor kid was hardly ever home. Dad was a soldier and mom stayed at home. She left the end of May, beginning of June to spend the summer with moms parents. She came back the end of August,beginning of September. Then she was shipped off again in November before Thanksgiving and came back after New Years so she could spend time with dads family. The month of March was spent with dads older sister and she took her on vacation with her and her kids when they had Spring break.

So now we're down to less than 6 months of the year spent with her parents but wait cause I'm not done----Now remember when I said the mom stayed at home...well that didn't stop her from enrolling her into daycare full time. So Monday thru Friday this girl went to school at 7am and got picked up at about 5:30pm. Her parents liked to have date nights as well. However they had one on Friday night and again on Saturday night which meant dinner and a movie and dancing.Plus Saturday was their shopping day and it was easier on them not to have to bring her. So their daughter went to a friend of theirs house right after school on Friday so the mom could get ready and they picked her up when they woke up Sunday

They had so little time to give to their daughter that they thought it would be a grand idea to have another kid. She told me they will both be leaving next month to spend the summer with her parents----the little guy just turned one.

I feel guilty if I do something that doesn't involve my kids. I love seeing their faces light up at some new experience. I can't imagine making a conscious decision to do something fun without them.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Why do some people think it's a badge of honor to never leave their children???

People! It's about balance.

Oh gosh no. We just happen to like the kid. She's our little buddy.

We went out a few times over the weekend to test drive some cars and left DD with my mom. Test driving cars with carseats is a major PITA, but we genuinely missed the little bugger.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Maybe the kids are trying to test boundaries and are behaving in a different manner than they had in the past.

I know in the last year my DD has turned into a back-talker and I have taken away privileges such as going out to dinner with us. However I still get compliments about her behavior when she is at another persons house. Every single time I hear "your child is the best behaved little girl I have ever seen." I think to my self, "Really? Are we talking about the same child?"

On a side note:

I have no problem with people who wont go on vacation without their children but I do have a problem with people who think they are better parents because of it. Getting away by myself is good for me and spending time with her grandparents is good for my daughter. It may not be good for you but that does not make you better than me.

 

[mjkacmom]

I personally see it as a disservice to never leave the kids. My parents left us with sitters about twice a week (they were very involved with the community), and we LOVED having a sitter! We knew that when mom and dad left, it was okay. They took at least one adult vacation each year as well.

My kids LOVE having babysitters (well, unless it's dd13 ), and get very excited to stay with their grandparents. All of my kids' friends also love having sitters (teens especially). And it's nice for grownups to have some adult time, especially with other adults (I'm a SAHM with kids in school all day, so not a lot of adult connections going on during the day).

Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page on this (his parents did this as well). I still live in the same town as my parents, we have a very close relationship (as they do, of course, with our children), as does my sister and them as well. DH has a great relationship with his parents.

I see adults leaving the kids behind for a few hours the same as kids going over friends' homes for a few hours. Even adults can use a few playdates!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I personally see it as a disservice to never leave the kids. My parents left us with sitters about twice a week (they were very involved with the community), and we LOVED having a sitter! We knew that when mom and dad left, it was okay. They took at least one adult vacation each year as well.

My kids LOVE having babysitters (well, unless it's dd13 ), and get very excited to stay with their grandparents. All of my kids' friends also love having sitters (teens especially). And it's nice for grownups to have some adult time, especially with other adults (I'm a SAHM with kids in school all day, so not a lot of adult connections going on during the day).

Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page on this (his parents did this as well). I still live in the same town as my parents, we have a very close relationship (as they do, of course, with our children), as does my sister and them as well. DH has a great relationship with his parents.

I see adults leaving the kids behind for a few hours the same as kids going over friends' homes for a few hours. Even adults can use a few playdates!

DH and I are on the same page, too, thank goodness. His mother does live in our town, but she doesn't even like it when my 7 year old comes over with us, so there's no way she's watching him. She thinks my 16 year old hung the moon, but he doesn't need babysitting.

Yes, I do wish we could get out more as a couple and I agree it's needed, but sometimes it's not possible.

 

[jrmasm]

Oh gosh no. We just happen to like the kid. She's our little buddy.

We went out a few times over the weekend to test drive some cars and left DD with my mom. Test driving cars with carseats is a major PITA, but we genuinely missed the little bugger.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Those that leave their children with a babysitter don't like them.

Do whatever you want, just don't judge others for what works for their family.

 

[krcit]

I will be the first to admit. I like getting out without my kids. I like it alot. I also would go away without them if I could afford more then one trip a year but we can't so we don't To each his own I do get the impression sometimes that some people who do everything with their kids think that somehow they love their kids more than those of us who prefer grown-up time do. Oh well.

OP, maybe it's simply that the kids are getting a bit older and are more 'work' when out to dinner so they prefer to have a nice relaxing meal. As far as the CA vacation......I'm jealous. I went to San Francisco with DH for a few days about 10 years ago and it was heavenly but would've been very tough to do all that we did toting 2 toddlers along.