Why does it bother me so?

[Toad_Passenger]

My DW and I have a set of best friends that we've known for a long time. We both have 2 children.

We take our kids everywhere we go. Dinners, vacations, etc., they are always with us. They are good kids and behave in public. Our friends' kids are exactly the same. They rarely act out and are good when we go out with them. However their parents talk about them like they are the worst behaved children in history! This has gotten to the point where they no longer are taking their children along with them and are now calling us weekly and saying, "Hey, we got a babysitter and we're going to <insert fancy restaurant name> you guys should get one too and come along." In addition, during holidays/time off from work, they are STILL taking the kids to their babysitter.

It really has started to unnerve us quite a bit, but I don't know why.

The reason I'm posting this now is because the past few years we've been doing a vacation together, so the kids can all play. This year they said they couldn't do it because they're finally getting a chance to go to California (almost 2-week trip), something they've wanted to do for a long time. I mentioned to them, "That will be great, the kids are going to love going on such a long trip!" Well you can guess the response, "the kids aren't going, because we just don't think we can handle that." The kids are staying part of the time with 1 set of grandparents, and then the other part with the other set. The one child isn't even 2-years old yet! And, as I said, their kids are wonderful!

Now I know some will say that we're envious of them, but that's not it. DW and I are planning a trip to England and France next year, and I can't wait for my kids to go with us and get that experience!

I don't know why it bothers us so much. Are we weird? Sorry for the long post, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head around what's going on with them.

ETA: Another thing is that they are starting to say things that make us feel uncomfortable. Like, since we are adults, we are SUPPOSED to have all this downtime away from our kids. I can see every once in awhile, but a weekly thing?

 

[jrmasm]

Who cares? Do what works for your family and quit worrying about how others live their lives.

 

[dizluvah]

Hi OP

I am expecting my first; so perhaps am not qualified yet to give my opinion but I'm going to anyway.

I can understand both sides I think - I don't believe it is healthy for parents to never get time out on their own - I mean it is ok to leave your children with a trusted family member or friend and I imagine it is good for the kids to learn that mom and dad may leave but they always come back....Our best friends have a two year old that has never, I mean never, been away from mom - I would offer to watch kiddo so she could go to doctor's appt and she would insist I come along and watch the daughter in the doctor's office waiting room because she simply can't stand the idea of being away from her daughter for the hour it takes to drive to office, have appt and come home. I think that is a little bazaar and I expect I will be taking many opportunities to get a break if/when it is offered.

I think it is nice that your friend's still want to include you in their dinner plans - but it is fine if you prefer to decline on occasions when your children are not invited.

I think it human nature for us to judge others or their actions but I try to remember how boring it would be if we all were the same - if your friends have taken a different parenting role than you and your DH - I don't see why you all can't still get along....in short - I understand why it bothers you but it seems you will either need to drift apart from your friends or accept them and deal with the differences in how you each chose to raise your kids.

I personally don't see a problem with kids getting to visit grandparents and parents getting a solo vacation.

 

[puffkin]

I will probably go against the popular opinion on this board, but I don't think there is anything wrong with what they are doing, provided they are still having quality time with their kids. There is no rule that says they have to take their kids everywhere or plan their lives around their kids like so many parents do nowadays.

I know in our situation, we have relatives that beg us to watch our son. My parents always want him. We don't always take them up on the offers, but we do a lot. It is good for him to form those relationships with my parents, his uncle, etc. and it gives us time to do things on our own. SOmetimes we do fun things like go to the movies or something like that, other times we use the time to clean the house, or do yardwork or something.

Another thing we do is take him to daycare on days off. My son thrives on routine and loves school. Plus, I am paying for it regardless of it he is there or not. For instance, on Good Friday we had off. I took him to daycare in the morning and ran a bunch of errands and did some chores. Then I picked him up right after lunch and we had fun the rest of the afternoon. Win win for all of us.

I always say, it is the quality of time you are spending together, not the amount

 

[mjkacmom]

As much as I think it's strange to never take kids out to dinner, or on vacation, I think it's equally as strange as to never leave them behind to go out to dinner, or go on vacation. Therefore, you are all strange to me!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

What you are not seeing is how the kids may be behaving at home.

While it is unfortunate that they are bleeding and seething with negativity and disdain, they may have decided that enough is enough.

Many people in public think my kids are cute and adorable. But they do give me difficulties on occasion and I feel like I am mom to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde's love children at times.

In any case--if they don't want to hang with their kids--that is up to them. It isn't like they are trying to get you to parent the same way. But if they are going some place kid-free and want to invite you a long--I'd be hunting down a babysitter quick myself.

I have learned that unless another parent is being directly harmful to their children--that how they parent is really none of my business and I can't let it affect me. If I did--it would drive me crazy...not to mention make me wonder about what people thought of me.

 

[*BTMRR*]

What you are not seeing is how the kids may be behaving at home.

While it is unfortunate that they are bleeding and seething with negativity and disdain, they may have decided that enough is enough.

Many people in public think my kids are cute and adorable. But they do give me difficulties on occasion and I feel like I am mom to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde's love children at times.

In any case--if they don't want to hang with their kids--that is up to them. It isn't like they are trying to get you to parent the same way. But if they are going some place kid-free and want to invite you a long--I'd be hunting down a babysitter quick myself.

I have learned that unless another parent is being directly harmful to their children--that how they parent is really none of my business and I can't let it affect me. If I did--it would drive me crazy...not to mention make me wonder about what people thought of me.

 

[Arielle22]

I don't think going out weekly for dinner with friends but without the children is odd. As I have told my sister on many occasions (she is childless) that even if other adults are there to help out I am still the parent and so my primary responsibility would be the children.

Thus I could not really relax or have an adult conversation because I would be watching them out of the corner of my eye. My dds are very well behaved but when younger would be bored in a fancy restaurant for a long meal.

In 2000 DH and I went to Disney (with a group of 5 other adults) for 7 days without our dds who were 7 and 5 at the time, we went again in 2005 for our 20th for 10 days and will go this Nov for 10 days for our 25th. We have taken our dds on other Disney trips in between.

Yes, they complained and I told them that it was important for us to have some alone time. When they continued to complain that it wasn't fair I told them that I was 24 the first time I went to Disney and if they kept it up that is how old they would be before they went again.

OP, while their children are well behaved in public perhaps they are not so well behaved at home and the parents just want a break.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I have learned that unless another parent is being directly harmful to their children--that how they parent is really none of my business and I can't let it affect me. If I did--it would drive me crazy...not to mention make me wonder about what people thought of me.

Respectfully snipped.

Normally I do go by that advice, and just let people be. I guess because we are so close to these friends (best friends long before kids, marriage, etc...) I tend to scrutinize them a bit more.

I also totally get the 2-faces of children type thing. Our 2 do their fair share of testing when others aren't around. But, as I said, we've spent week-long vacations with them without problem!

I guess it's just disappointing to me, because they've always talked about "family" this and "family" that, but when push comes to shove, it doesn't seem like they want a family at all.

 

[Tinker74]

Everyone parents differently...Neither your way nor their way is the right way.
The fact that the one child is under two...he won't even remember not going to California...if he was a child over 5 i might think differently but toddlers would probably prefer staying with the grandparents and getting spoiled anyway!

I'll bet when their kids are older...they try some great family vacations..We waited till our youngest was 3 before we would take her on vacation.
Now that she is 10 I can't imagine ever not taking her....Same with my 17 yr old!

 

[disneystacy]

Having well behaved children takes alot of work. I know, I have 3. Sometimes I like to go to dinner with just my friends and not have to worry what my kids are doing.

My oldest is at a age where I have to watch everything I say. I like to be with my friends and not have to worry about what is being said.


We take our kids everywhere on vacation, but I long for a time when my family can watch them and hubby and I can go away together, just us.
We need alone time too.

Kids 24-7 is alot of work. Its nice to be able to have alone time.

 

[Missy1961]

As I always post on threads like these, I am glad my sisters & BILs like to have down time without the kids once in a while! I'm the single aunt with no kids, so I get to have some fun times with my nieces & nephews while their parents go out to dinner or out of town.

 

[Northstar]

In your subject line you asked "Why does it bother me so?"

I think it bothers you because you see it as calling into question your own parenting style.

But it doesn't, truly. You're not weird. They're not weird. You don't have to prove to them that your way is best, and they are wrong to do something different. They don't have to prove to you that their way is best, and you should change.

Don't feel defensive. Just have confidence in your choices that you made because you feel it's important to have your kids close to you as much as possible... and have confidence that your friends are good parents and good people, and their kids will turn out fine.

 

[ZachnElli]

Respectfully snipped.

Normally I do go by that advice, and just let people be. I guess because we are so close to these friends (best friends long before kids, marriage, etc...) I tend to scrutinize them a bit more.

I also totally get the 2-faces of children type thing. Our 2 do their fair share of testing when others aren't around. But, as I said, we've spent week-long vacations with them without problem!

I guess it's just disappointing to me, because they've always talked about "family" this and "family" that, but when push comes to shove, it doesn't seem like they want a family at all.

Just because they don't take the kids with them everywhere anymore, doesn't mean they don't want a family "at all". That is your opinion on how YOU think a family should be. Maybe they need time away from the kids right now to reconnect. Couples go through down times and maybe they are in one. Maybe not, maybe they just want to be adults instead of catering to their kids every second of every day too. There's nothing wrong with that either.

 

[pilotwife_02]

Having well behaved children takes alot of work. I know, I have 3. Sometimes I like to go to dinner with just my friends and not have to worry what my kids are doing.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. While I have been told I have well behaved children as well (and they are only 2 and 3) when we are out to dinner and have since they were babies (have even been told this by strangers before in restaurants ), it takes a TON of work and usually isn't very enjoyable for me. So we rarely do it. And I usually pick places that are loud, like Red Robin or Outback, so if they do get rowdy we don't look like "that family" with the loud kids (even though they might just be acting like "gasp" kids).

We also like to take a few vacations a year, some with the kids and some WITHOUT them because let's be honest, a vacation with the kids, depending on the age, isn't always a vacation. Our last trip to Disney (again with a 2 and 3 year old) would up be more tiring and work for me then if we had stayed home. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, but I came home exhausted and run down and it took me a good week to recover from it, so I do like to have a "real" vacation once a year and the kids like going to grandma and grandpa's and enjoy getting spoiled like crazy during that time as well, so for us it's a total win-win!!

I get what the OP is saying, but I really hate how everyone always judges what parents do with their kids these days. In my opinion there are so many kids who are truely neglected and abused that unless a child is in that type of situation, I'm not going to judge parents if they don't want to take their child to dinner all the time of take them on every vacation/getaway.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I get what everyone is saying. And DW and I have had "date" nights here and there.

I guess I'm just hoping there is nothing really sinister underlying their sudden change. Like I said they used to have their kids around, and now, out of the blue, they've had this change where they think their kids should be called Damien!

Maybe it's a midlife crisis in their 30's, or nothing at all. I just don't want to find out that they are suddenly resenting having children or anything.

 

[4greatboys]

Pretty sure the OP's point isn't that people use babysitters but that their friends used to not use them and now use them often. They are trying to understand the change in their friends.

 

[4greatboys]

Maybe it's a midlife crisis in their 30's, or nothing at all. I just don't want to find out that they are suddenly resenting having children or anything.

Could be. I have a friend recent start going through this. Like your friends she used to spend a lot of time with her kids and now they have a babysitter several times a week. It's just sad. It's definately okay to have some me time but not when it's the majority of your time.

 

[VAN]

I think it might be time to wean yourself from this couple. It sounds like you are starting to drift apart.

I am with you in that I LIKE to be with my kids. Not everyone is like that and I feel sad for them; HOWEVER, that is their choice.

In any case, I think it might be time to find other friends that DO enjoy spending time with their children.

You've just "grown apart."

Another thought is that maybe their relationship needs some repair, and this is their way to reconnect. At any rate, if it bothers you, then maybe you need to take a break from them for awhile.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I think I can relate to what you're saying. SIL *never* has her son. He's always at her mom's (my MIL) or her MIL's house. I just don't get it.

We've had other friends with children say "Oh let's go out to the bar, can't you get a babysitter?" and we just feel we'd rather be with our kiddo than at the bar. We like her, that's why we had her, that's why we're having another.