why do women stay?

[Amlee]

I was almost 2 the first time I remember my "father" beating my mother. My brother was 4 months old and my mother was feeding him his bottle. My "father" wanted something to eat, and thought he should come before the baby. He grab my brother by the foot and threw him across the room. Then backhanded my mother, and told her to fix him a ^%(&^(^ sandwich! I remember watching my brother sail across the room, hit the wall, slide down the wall and land on the couch beside me.

About 6 or 7 months later the fight started in the kitchen. My brother and I were in the living room. I remember my mother running into the living room, and being pulled down by her hair. He picked her up by her neck and tossed her against the wall and started choking her. I jumped up and started hitting him on his leg. My mother says the last thing she remembers before she blanked out was me screaming for my brother to bite him. She woke up with my brother and I sitting beside her and watching her.

It took that event for her to leave him.

It's going to take some type of event for someone to leave a bad relationship. Sadly there are some who leave to late.

Generally, I agree with other posters about why women stay.

Specific to the OP's experiance, it's hard to tell just from a random encounter what exactly is going on. A few weeks ago I was cleaning the kitchen, and DH walks through the kitchen. I ask him if he would mind taking out the recycling bin as it was quite full.

OMG , did he go off on me! You'd have thought I'd asked him to clean the house from top to bottom while I laid on the couch eating bon-bons and watching tv. Swear words and all.

Turns out his sugar was quite low (he's diabetic). I recognized the combative behavior for what it was and got him some juice. Once he felt better he spent the next hour apologizing. Low blood sugar can do a number on you and cause you behave in very odd ways, for DH being a Grade A Jerk means he needs a cookie! But anyone walking by the house, hearing what he was saying to me through an open window, would have thought I was a poor abused wife and would have shook their head wondering why I didn't leave.

Odds are, what the OP saw was exactly what it seemed, but there is a possibility it was something different.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ok this hits on a very raw nerve!

Just because a person is a diabetic does not give them the right to go off on anyone! This has been the excuse my brother has had for YEARS! He would go into fits of rage if something hit him wrong. Being a big man (almost 7 feet tall and around 400lbs), he could hurt someone. I have seen him put his fist through the wall, when trying to hit me. I have seen him bow up and go after my mother. It's always his sugar!

 

[HoneyBee06]

Maybe it just me but I don't know maybe arguments that are one sided, The Op said that the wife just stood there and let him yell at her. Also how many get to fights and Walmart and let the F word fly

Maybe he was just ranting about something...not actually yelling AT her. I just think it's wrong to assume someone is abusive by hearing a tiny bit of something in an aisle at walmart.

What if the rolls were reversed at a woman was ranting about something and the husband was just standing there? Would everyone assume that she is abusive too?

I guess it just don't make sense to me to jump from one thing to abuse so quickily.

 

[crazy4dabean]

I put up with it for 13 years. For a long time, I stayed for my daughter. I also stayed because I was afraid of being alone and finances. I worked very hard at getting a better job and focusing on my well being until finally I had the courage to say "No More!". He was verbally abusive, an alcoholic and drug abuser. Looking back I can't believe it took me that long to open my eyes. But I did and if things are that bad, she will too. I'm happy to say that my life now is 100 times better without him.

 

[Poohbear123]

I know exactly what you talking about. Been there, experienced it all. I thank God I found my DH. EX husband told me he would rearrange my pretty face so no one else would want me.

Sounds like my EX, and its so true about "finding the one who will treat you better!" I did, and have been happier the last 21 years.

 

[arminnie]

I want to give a slightly different perspective.

A close friend of mine had been happily married for almost 15 years. He was having some health isses that caused problems with his job - very, very stressful. His social drinking escalated to problem drinking to full blown alchoholism.

This relationship was not always abusive. But it became so - the first time he actually hit her (after threatening to do so) she left. No second chance EVER.

You cannot believe the grief she got from friends, relatives, inlaws etc. "He only hit you once". Once was enough for her. It took a LOT for her to resist the pressure from so many people to go back to him.

I really admire her. She did what we all say we would do. Leave after the first punch.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Because we could only control our actions, not the actions of others.

I agree. I also agree that seeing an interaction between a couple for only a few minutes in a store does not constitute an abusive relationship. And even if it did, we have no control over that relationship. We can offer help for the woman to get out of the relationship, but we can't stop her from going back. Only she can do that.

I learned that lesson the hard way when everyone at work was offering to help a co-worker move out of her rented house when her BF kept ripping the back door off every time she changed the locks. She kept turning us down dispite the bruises on her arms and face. It took him attacking someone else at a party and being sent to jail for assault on that person before she finally got shut of him.

 

[Mayl]

Well for the OP story, you only saw a 30 second snapshot of their lives.

You can not judge or make assumptions off of that.

Sorry but maybe there was huge stress in their lives, or maybe the woman is always the one yelling/screaming at him and he finally gave back?

You honestly can not judge anything i that short time frame

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[HoneyBee06]

You know what I don't get, why is it so many people are willing to give the benefit of the doubt to a man they have never ever run across instead of the OP who actually observed the situation?

People's knee jerk response of making an excuse for this sort of thing is as much of a puzzle to me as why the man always gets the ready made excuse... he doesn't even have to come up with one when so many people jump up with one in hand.

Just something to think about.

I don't think anyone was saying the man definitely WASN'T abusive. I think some of us are just pointing out there are other options.

Not all men are evil.

 

[HOGFAN]

Okay, I guess you just would have had to been there. The malice in the guys voice,his body language, the 'given up' look on the ladys face. If she is not being physically abused she sure is emotionally.

 

[HoneyBee06]

Okay, I guess you just would have had to been there. The malice in the guys voice,his body language, the 'given up' look on the ladys face. If she is not being physically abused she sure is emotionally.

I wasn't there so I obviously don't know. But you aren't in their household so you don't know for sure either.

I mean...I get ticked off about stupid stuff while out shopping....stuff completely unrelated to my husband. I'll rant about it in the store and my husband just stands there listening. I suppose if you witnessed that, you'd probably assume I beat my husband. Or maybe since the roles are reversed you wouldn't be so quick to assume someone is a victim.

 

[DevilDuckie]

This brought tears to my eyes

But it has a happy ending. I got out. I got my son to safety and we have been blessed with the most amazing life. We have God's grace, a truly spectacular man who loves us both and a bright future. No day goes by without us knowing how much we are loved and we are healthy, safe and happy.

I have an offer going in on my first home, one more week before I find out if I'm pregnant and a salmon salad sandwich for dinner. No tears for me tonight.

 

[SereneOne]

Because we could only control our actions, not the actions of others.

Police can remove them, the same as they do with other criminals.

I have volunteered with domestic violence shelters, and a survivor myself.

My point was, the automatic thought is, why do they not leave? It is never to do anything to the perpetrator.

 

[mommasita]

I do not think there is one answer for this. It is a variety of different reasons, and many if not all have been posted here...

My mother stayed for 11 years and finally left my father. I just thank my lucky stars she did leave him or I would not be alive today to speak about it. She taught me that a woman can be many things, and most of all a survivor.

Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man, although he is not perfect (who is) , he would NEVER lay a hand on me or my children, and if anybody did they would not see the morning..

Hugs to everyone suffering. You have to live the life to offer any type of understanding. My father had my mother so cornered and dependent on him for EVERYTHING, and it took an outsider to finally teach my mother that she could leave with her children, get a job, and make it....I am so proud of my mother for being a strong woman and saving all our lives..

I am also thankful that my father has seeked help with his addictions, and we have some sort of relationship today...

I have told I should write a book, and it would be a best seller. I think I would rather keep it private, although it would probably help woman and children...
Godbless everyone..

 

[SandraVB79]

..., for DH being a Grade A Jerk means he needs a cookie! ...

While I don't agree that low blood sugar is an excuse to act in such a way (just like being drunk isn't an excuse), I find this sentence very funny!

 

[HoneyBee06]

While I don't agree that low blood sugar is an excuse to act in such a way (just like being drunk isn't an excuse), I find this sentence very funny!

Uh...you can't exactly put being diabetic and having low blood sugar into the same category as being drunk.

 

[Quest4fun]

While I don't agree that low blood sugar is an excuse to act in such a way (just like being drunk isn't an excuse), I find this sentence very funny!

You win the prize! This is bar none the funniest thread I've ever read. Lots of man haters here.

How can the man possibly help being diabetic? Low blood sugar is proven to cause cranky behavior. In people with hypoglycemia, low glucose has been shown to cause very extreme mood swings from bouts of intense happiness to suicide. Look it up. If you don't believe that a chemical imbalance can cause mood swings then you better stop using PMS as an excuse when you yell at your respective husbands.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Uh...you can't exactly put being diabetic and having low blood sugar into the same category as being drunk.

Not exactly, but if he's failing to do the things that prevent these episodes, he's got some culpability and I suspect that's what the PP meant. If he ignores his needs and lets his blood sugar drop through carelessness there is a certain parallel to drinking too much.

 

[HoneyBee06]

Not exactly, but if he's failing to do the things that prevent these episodes, he's got some culpability and I suspect that's what the PP meant. If he ignores his needs and lets his blood sugar drop through carelessness there is a certain parallel to drinking too much.

Why are you so quick to assume someone is careless if their blood sugar drops too low? There are many factors to consider.

It just seems to me like a lot of people here really dislike men, in general.

 

[Quest4fun]

Why are you so quick to assume someone is careless if their blood sugar drops too low? There are many factors to consider.

It just seems to me like a lot of people here really dislike men, in general.

Sometimes you just get tied up and are unable to or have forgotten to bring a snack with you. Strenuous activity can cause drops in glucose which would bring about mood swings, fainting, etc. I'm with you on this one.

Clearly this thread has an agenda and it has nothing to do with anything other than man bashing. Every woman is a victim.

I think it should be shut down.