Why do parents not like to call their adult children?

[ajk912]

This is something that has always baffled and confused me. Why don't parents like to call their adult children? Luckily, our parents don't guilt trip us for not calling on a regular basis (too much!) but I have read on here a few times where the kids have been guilt tripped for not calling. We call about once a week, usually on the weekends, just to say hi. I know I would love for my parents or ILs to call us once in a while, instead of the responsibility always falling on us all the time to initiate the phone conversations. It would be nice for one of the four parents to call up and say, "Hey, I was thinking of you and wanted to call." Because after 10 years of them not calling..you almost want to think, hey, they can't be bothered to pick up the phone EVER, I guess they don't really want to talk to us that bad. Is that selfish thinking that?

The reason this is bothering me is that next Sunday is Father's Day, but it is also DH's bday. I would be kind of sad for my DH if his parents don't call him and wish him Happy Bday, because they may think that the Father's Day hoopla trumps his bday and they just wait for him to call him. And then it turns into, "Oh yeah, btw, happy bday." Ugh.

 

[Robinrs]

Did you try mentioning it to them? Maybe they don't think about or think they're bothering you?

I couldn't imagine it, I spoke to my parents 5 times a day until they died. Since they were on a limited income I thought that I'd save them money by calling them since it was long distance. Common courtesy sometimes makes the child the initiator and the parent the receiver after certain ages.

They gave up A LOT for me growing up, it's the least I can do for them... and it's not a big deal unless it's that painful for you. Mention it before it becomes an argument, they may not realize that you want that.

 

[ChrizJen]

I agree with you in a way, I think that it's definitely a two-way street. And parents who never call their children have no place to guilt them when they don't call.

I'm in the same situation as you. When a call is made, it's usually from me to them. But my parents never guilt me about it when I don't call. Sometimes, I DO feel guilt, but only because I think about the fact that they gave me life, and raised me, and did so much for me. Do I OWE it to them to call every once in a while and see how they're doing? Probably. But fortunately my parents aren't the type to give me crap when I don't call.

 

[ajk912]

Oh, I have mentioned it. Because I am usually the call initiator, I call my ILs almost every weekend. They'll usually say something like, "Have your DH call us and say hi!" I say, feel free to call him on his cell phone, he'll answer! And they never do. I do tell DH, but you know guys... Like I said, in the 10 years since I moved out/got married I doubt his parents called us more than 4 or 5 times. I just think that's kind of sad. That still means we are the ones calling 99.9% of the time.

 

[bballmom56]

Maybe they feel like they are intruding. DH's parents almost never call here - usually only when it's bad news . But yet, if he doesn't call them for a few weeks, he gets sarcasm as to "gee, nice to hear from you." But that's ok - it's just the way they are and we understand that now, although it still bothers DH. My parents were the opposite which was always fine with us.

 

[Robinrs]

Oh, I have mentioned it. Because I am usually the call initiator, I call my ILs almost every weekend. They'll usually say something like, "Have your DH call us and say hi!" I say, feel free to call him on his cell phone, he'll answer! And they never do. I do tell DH, but you know guys... Like I said, in the 10 years since I moved out/got married I doubt his parents called us more than 4 or 5 times. I just think that's kind of sad. That still means we are the ones calling 99.9% of the time.

Sometimes people need a nudge. Mention that they should call at such and such o'clock because he would really like that or something.

If they do that's great but if they don't... oh well. The one mantra I live off of is "I cannot control what people do, just how I react to them."

Count your blessings. The only way I can speak to my parents is by prayer.

 

[Mom2Nick]

Dh mother NEVER calls, only his father. My father calls every single SUnday plus I talk to him several times during the week.

My one grandmother won't ever pick up the phone to call anybody ever - even on your birthday she expects you to call her to thank her for the card of course...

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My mom would call every so often, and I saw her at least once a week. I used to think my father didn't know how to use the phone. The phone...making and receiving calls...was mom's "job". He called me once and I immediately thought something must be wrong...and it was. Now, dad's gone, and mom is in Assisted Living, a couple of miles from my home, so I see her, for the most part, every day. It makes me crazy tho if I don't go for a couple of days and find out she needed something, and she didn't pick up the phone and call me. She hates to impose, and doesn't GET that my finding out she needed something after the fact does NOT make me feel good.

My MIL is extremely anal, and always called on a schedule. When my kids were little, she'd call at 8:50 PM on Thursday night. It was a bad time, and I'd nicely tell her, but she kept doing it. Every so often, she'd suddenly swith times/days...usually to another bad time. So we just stopped answering the phone. Now she calls DH at work on Friday mornings between 8:18 and 8:22 AM (I guess she's shooting for 8:20). What kills me is she'd almost never call off schedule. I swear, if someone died, she'd wait until Friday morning between 8:18 and 8:22 to call DH. It also made me crazy if someone in our family was sick, she'd check back the following week, at the regularly scheduled time, to see how said person was doing.

 

[famofsix]

My mom would call every so often, and I saw her at least once a week. I used to think my father didn't know how to use the phone. The phone...making and receiving calls...was mom's "job". He called me once and I immediately thought something must be wrong...and it was. Now, dad's gone, and mom is in Assisted Living, a couple of miles from my home, so I see her, for the most part, every day. It makes me crazy tho if I don't go for a couple of days and find out she needed something, and she didn't pick up the phone and call me. She hates to impose, and doesn't GET that my finding out she needed something after the fact does NOT make me feel good.

My MIL is extremely anal, and always called on a schedule. When my kids were little, she'd call at 8:50 PM on Thursday night. It was a bad time, and I'd nicely tell her, but she kept doing it. Every so often, she'd suddenly swith times/days...usually to another bad time. So we just stopped answering the phone. Now she calls DH at work on Friday mornings between 8:18 and 8:22 AM (I guess she's shooting for 8:20). What kills me is she'd almost never call off schedule. I swear, if someone died, she'd wait until Friday morning between 8:18 and 8:22 to call DH. It also made me crazy if someone in our family was sick, she'd check back the following week, at the regularly scheduled time, to see how said person was doing.

I thought I was the only one with a scheduled caller...if my relative calls for anything else I don't even get a greeting just the info and a hang up. Otherwise I have to wait till the scheduled chit-chat call

My brother has this same relative call him every saturday morning when he is at the gym. He always says that's when he goes to the gym so now he turns off the machine and cell phone Saturday mornings

 

[HelenePA]

Up until the day my dad died he called me almost as much or more than I called him. We use to talk 4-5 times a day... I'm sorry your parents dont do the same.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I thought I was the only one with a scheduled caller...if my relative calls for anything else I don't even get a greeting just the info and a hang up. Otherwise I have to wait till the scheduled chit-chat call

My brother has this same relative call him every saturday morning when he is at the gym. He always says that's when he goes to the gym so now he turns off the machine and cell phone Saturday mornings

That's the great thing about scheduled phone calls...you can just not answer. I think that's why she'd change the schedule every so often...to throw us off.

She's so scheduled, it's sick. She once almost didn't go to a relative's funeral because it was on a Saturday morning, and she does food shopping on Saturday morning, and that would screw up her whole day. DH said HE was going, so I guess she felt she should go, even if...OMG...she had to go food shopping in the afternoon. I told DH that if I die, make sure to check his mother's schedule for her availability, because I'd be really embarrassed if my own MIL didn't show up at my funeral.

 

[Jennasis]

My mom calls me ALL THE TIME. I call her just as much. As far as my other two sisters are concerneed, if my parents want to talk to them then my parents have to make the call.

 

[amyhughes]

If I don't call my grandma for a whole day she wonders if I have fallen off the face of the planet! We have always been attached at the hip though. Often her hand will be on the phone to call me, and it will ring from me calling her. We talk 2 or 3 times a day.

My parents though are a different story. They never call, or stop by. Except for birthdays for their grandchildren and Christmas. And if they do call its "Haven't heard from you in a while and wanted to make sure everything was okay." I used to call all the time, and truthfully I tired of being the eternal communicator and never getting a responsive call back or an interest so I stopped.

Sad, but, truthfully I have been more in tune with my grandparents since I was a child, no reason my adult life should be any different. Heck they at least see the kids twice or more a week. My own parents haven't seen them in over a month and a half.

 

[lilyv]

Some parents call their adult children regularly. I do, and they call me, too.

Older parents (and grandparents) may not call because they think of the phone as "expensive" and they feel long distance calls should be few and far between.

Sometimes it's family issues.

I always think it's worth a try to work out a time that is convenient for all.

 

[shirleyb]

My mom calls me if she needs to talk to me, and I call her if I need to talk to her. That means sometimes I'll talk to her 3 times in one day, and sometimes I won't talk to her for a week or more. Both of us are fine with that.

I think the reason some parents don't call, is because the kids are so busy, they don't want to bother them, and figure it's easier to wait for their child to call, because that means they're not in the middle of something.

 

[momto2girls]

I'm a long way from having my kids out of the house, but I don't plan to call them very often once they are married. I won't want to intrude and I never want to be THAT mom or MIL . Most of my friends just roll their eyes when their mother or MIL calls.

But I will be up front with them and let them know my reasons for not calling and that I will always be available for them when they want to call. And I'll never be one of those moms that makes snide remarks about them not calling.

 

[nataliela]

My mom calls me and my sister every other day if she hasn't heard from us. My sister lives in a different city, so she calls and checks up on her...and she usually calls me to take me to lunch!
I get along well with her and talk to her more than any of my friends

My dad never calls! Maybe 6 x a year to ask me something important!

My husband works at the family owned business, so he sees his parents everyday....all day...and I wonder why he doesn't get me to go work over there wouldn't he want to spend all day with the 3 people who love him most

His mother will call me only when she has something to tell or ask me...never just to chit chat

 

[momto2girls]

I think the reason some parents don't call, is because the kids are so busy, they don't want to bother them, and figure it's easier to wait for their child to call, because that means they're not in the middle of something.

 

[AKBAFB]

That's the great thing about scheduled phone calls...you can just not answer. I think that's why she'd change the schedule every so often...to throw us off.

She's so scheduled, it's sick. She once almost didn't go to a relative's funeral because it was on a Saturday morning, and she does food shopping on Saturday morning, and that would screw up her whole day. DH said HE was going, so I guess she felt she should go, even if...OMG...she had to go food shopping in the afternoon. I told DH that if I die, make sure to check his mother's schedule for her availability, because I'd be really embarrassed if my own MIL didn't show up at my funeral.

This reminds me of my coworker. A couple of summers ago, her elderly uncle got Lyme Disease and eventually it became likely that he wasn't going to make it. He was in the hospital, just hanging on for quite awhile, and the whole family was visiting him, his wife was making some of the funeral choices, getting things in order, etc. Well my dear coworker came into the break room one day and proceeded to tell us all that he better hurry up and "go" by the end of this week or this weekend, because if he waited until the next week, the funeral would mess up her plans to get her work stuff done by Wednesday and go for her long weekend of antiquing! The others and I were just disgusted. Who says something like that?

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

This reminds me of my coworker. A couple of summers ago, her elderly uncle got Lyme Disease and eventually it became likely that he wasn't going to make it. He was in the hospital, just hanging on for quite awhile, and the whole family was visiting him, his wife was making some of the funeral choices, getting things in order, etc. Well my dear coworker came into the break room one day and proceeded to tell us all that he better hurry up and "go" by the end of this week or this weekend, because if he waited until the next week, the funeral would mess up her plans to get her work stuff done by Wednesday and go for her long weekend of antiquing! The others and I were just disgusted. Who says something like that?

My MIL left strict instructions NOT to contact her if her mother died while MIL and FIL were on a cruise.

Some people.